After all, nothing to feel regret about actually.

Should I write about this? No, I shouldn't.

But yes, because I don't have anyone else to talk to about this.

Everyone is little tired of the story of my past.

Today, part of me said that I shouldn't have opened my Facebook.

A little regret, knowing that I myself often get too carried away over unnecessary things.

My then best friend and my only ex-boyfriend got engaged last two days.

The day has arrived.

I kept having this weird feelings when I see the photos. But nope, not negatively.

Maybe because of the history of all this.

Thinking about it, what have I done?

Why did I hate them back then?

What did they do to me, really?

Why did I keep that hatred towards them for years, when all they did was loving each other normally like other people do?

Why can't I let them go and just move on?

These, make me want to knock myself so hard, I should have been more understanding about them dating. I regret myself for being so childish and selfish. And the only people who's losing is me, actually.

If only I could turn back time, I would just endure the pain that eventually will fade away, just like now and keep her as my best friend. It wont be so hard, I guess.

But yes, If I didn't let her go, I won't have the life I have now, I wouldn't have more awesome best friends whom I cannot lose till the day I die. That, somehow is another good side of it that I should not let pass.

And after 4, 5 years, I really hope this is not a useless thing to say. I really hope the day will eventually come and they will live happily as husband and wife.

Congratulations Mimin and Ebi, from the bottom of my heart.

Bad girl being stupid and immature.

Well, one of bad qualities of mine is that I hold...grudge.

From the smallest bit, to the big ones.

I know its not a good thing to have in this life, but in my defense, I treat it as reminder, not to repeat the same mistake again. In a way, it is similar to self-protection, so I don't mind living like that.

That is why reconciliation never exist in my dictionary, though there'll be apologies and making up after every fight or misunderstanding, I found it very hard to let the anger go. I don't move on easily.

On top of that, I can't take the aftermath, which is the awkwardness.

Bad girl.

I'm pregnant with words, but no, its not time yet.

Final assessment, complete.

So now my semester break will be spent with Indonesian (read : The Tarix Jabrix 1, 2, 3 on repeat) and Korean movies, war with kitties, laugh over cekodoks and coffee, and many more.

First of all, life is good.

Yes, its getting better. You know it when you're done with that phase of feeling not enough of everything, you just stopped and boom, all is fine.

I miss Sintok, surprisingly. Weird, but yes, I miss the place. I miss moi sup and my adult friends. Sintok reminds me of something, that I can be all independent without me realizing that I have that capability.

I enjoyed every second I spent in Bandung. Despite bad traffics, I found Bandung's a very peaceful place, and somehow in weird way, calming. Maybe its because of the weather. There's something about it, gonna write it in the next post.

I really hope number 25 will bring me something different this time around. Its hard to believe that I'm reaching that age really but you know, maybe it will change me in certain ways and I'm ready for that.

That's all for today.

Wouldn't it be nice if we can choose what we want, who we want to be in our dream?

Kannnnn?

Yes, because I'm bored like that.

Got this from somewhere somewhere, so let's see.

My personality:

· I’m loud. 

· I’m obnoxious.

· I’m sarcastic.

· I’m cocky.

· I cry easily.

· I have a bad temper.

· For the most part I don’t like people.

· I’m easy to get along with.

· I have more enemies than friends.

· I’ve smoked weed.

· I drink coffee.

· I clean my room daily.

My appearance:

· I wear makeup. 

· I wear a piece of jewelery at all times.

· I wear contacts.

· I wear glasses.

· I change my hair colour often.

· I straighten my hair often.

· I have a piercing.

Relationships:

· I’m in a relationship now.

· I’m forever alone :L

· I have a crush

· I’m always scared of being hurt.

· An ex has physically abused me at least once.

· I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.

· I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

· I’ve been in love more than two times.

· I believe in love at first sight.

· I believe lust is more important than love.

Friendships:

· I have at least five friends.

· I’ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend.

· I’ve beaten up a friend.

· I’ve been in a serious fight with a friend.

· I can trust at least five people with my life.

Experiences:

· I’ve been on a plane.

· I’ve been on a train.

· Someone close to me has died.

· I’ve taken a taxi.

· I’ve taken a city bus.

· I’ve taken a school bus.

· I’ve gone bungee jumping.

· I’ve made a speech.

· I’ve been in some sort of club.

· I’ve won an award.

· I’ve spent 24 hours on the computer straight.

· I’ve been in a physical fight.

Music:

· I listen to R&B.

· I listen to country.

· I listen to pop.

· I listen to techno.

· I listen to rock.

· I’m one of those people who play songs repeatedy until I hate it.

· I hate the radio.

· I love music

· I download music.

· I buy CD’s.

Television:

· I spend at least six hours a day watching television.

· I watch soap operas daily.

· I’m in love with Days Of Our Lives.

· I’ve seen and liked the O.C.

· I’ve seen and liked One Tree Hill.

· I’ve seen and like Americas Next Top Model

· I’ve seen and like Popular.

· I’ve seen and like 24.

· I’ve seen and liked CSI.

· I’ve seen and like Everwood.

Family Life:

· I get along with both of my parents.

· My biological parents are still together.

· I have at least one brother.

· I have at least one sister.

· I have at least one step brother/sister.

· I have at least one half brother/sister.

· I’ve been kicked out of the house.

· I’ve sworn at my parents.

· I’ve made my parents cry.

· I’ve lied to my parents.

· I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.

· I’ve lied to my parents about what I’m doing.

· I’ve lied to my parents so I’d be allowed out.

· I’ve been grounded.

· I’ve walked out while grounded.

Hair:

· I’ve been brown. 

· I’ve had streaks.

· I’ve cut my hair in the past year.

· I’ve dyed my hair in the past year.

· I’ve been blonde.

· I have black.

· I’ve been red.

· I’ve been light brown.

· I’ve been blue/green.

· I’ve gotten my hair thinned.

· I use conditioner.

· I’ve used silk therapy.

· I’ve used hot oil treatments.

· I’ve curled my hair.

· I’ve straightened my hair.

· I’ve ironed my hair.

· I’ve plaited my hair.

School:

· I’ve yelled at a teacher.

· I’ve been suspended.

· I’ve had an in-school suspension.

· I’ve been sent to the principals office.

· I’ve walked out of class.

· I’ve skipped an entire day of school.

· I’ve skipped a whole class for a month.

· I’ve failed a test.

· I’ve cheated on a test.

· I’ve helped someone else cheat on a test.

· I’ve failed Art.

· I’ve failed P.E.

· I’ve failed Math.

· I’ve failed another class.

· A teacher has called my parents.

On distance.

Weh, I miss everything about Kuala Lumpur and Batu Pahat, but I've found peace here in Sintok. Seriously, this is the right place for people like me.

You know, this is the perfect place to care nothing about other people except you yourself. I only know few people here except my classmates, but we don't meet often. That's good, because there's still distance.

It is good to be away from everything sometimes, as long as I keep in touch with important contacts. Not that I'm hiding from anything, but you know at certain times, all you want is space. I know that I'll get bored with this place eventually, but to face 2012, maybe its best if I just stay here and complete my studies. There's too much to face by that time, and I'm not even ready now.

About food, I'll deal with it. There's always something to eat, and to whine, I must stop.

Nah, I don't miss KL actually, I just miss my friends who live there.

Lapar

Nonetheless, I am really really glad that there's always a positive vibe around me. It is good to know that I am somehow at my calmest. (Yes, no?)

The only thing that bugs me right now is, I never get satisfied with my eating here. I am a person who loves to eat. I'd rather eat and look fat, than go on diet and still don't lose weight. And I'd rather spend my money on good food, than buying expensive clothes. Yes, I am that person.

And living in this rural-est area, makes my tummy sad. It is not that hard to find food, but it is hard to find good food. I don't think people would love to stay here, one, because of the place, yes lame, but I don't mind that. Two, because of the food. Unless you're skinny model who doesn't care about food and loves to throw up in a toilet bowl, and plus, does not really care about entertainment, you'll suit here.

I eat proper food twice a week, proper here means rice and all that. Nasi ayam or nasi kerabu. Only those two. I'll buy them at the nearest cafe, and eat it in my room. Except when the girls ask me to join dinner. But most of the time, I'll eat Maggi, or crackers, or bread with tuna, because I just simply can't accept the food here.

And you should know that I cried after every conversation over the phone with my mum.

One, because I am gedik like that.

Two, because talking to her reminds me about her cooking.

And now, I am gonna cry again.

And my tummy is gonna cry too.

My brother said, "Tu ujian la tu, selama ni Tuhan bagi kau makan sedap sedap, sekarang dia nak tengok pulak kau cemana bila makan tak sedap."

Lady Sk said, "InsyaAllah ada hikmahnya nanti."

And Puan Shikin said, "Makan la, jangan bagi ibu susah hati."

Ya Allah, why of all things, this small issue of food is the hardest?

Help me, Allah.

Sounds ungrateful, aye?

I know.

And no, I don't want to get skinnier. I just want nasik, for God's sake.

Gua dah mula bingai.

Baru dua tiga minggu gua jadi warga UUM, banyak pembaharuan gua nampak. Lu bosan kan gua asyik borak pasal UUM? Gua tau dah. Lantak lu lah, nak baca ke tak.

Yang pertama.

Gua dah pandai berbual I U, I U ni. Bukan main geli gua rasa. Selama hidup gua, paling berhemah pun kata ganti diri yang gua pakai adalah Syafa & ____ (Addressee), itu yang paling sopan sekali dalam dunia ni. Dengan kawan-kawan rapat, jangan harap la nak ber I U, itu memang mengundang lempang. Kecuali dengan kawan-kawan yang memang dari awal ber I U, tu contoh gua nak bergedik je. Tapi kalau dengan Ijat or Sheima or Ajie nak ber I U, gua libas diri sendiri.

Yang kedua.

Semua orang tahu gua tak boleh hidup takde nasik. Nasik tu umpama kekasih gelap gua. Satu hari tak makan nasik, gua boleh marah seminggu genap. Dan semua orang tahu gua kalau makan nasik, mesti kena ada kawan. Gua tak boleh makan tak berteman. Jadi dekat sini, jadual makan nasik gua betul-betul terganggu. Last gua makan nasik, dua hari lepas. Jangan harap la lu nak kawan dengan gua kalau gua dah hot esok nanti ni.

Yang ketiga.

Manusia paling nerd dalam UUM ni gua lah kot. Tak semena-mena gua rajin tak tentu hala. Bayangkan, sebelum kelas, gua baca buku, gua siap buat notes. Ini bukan diri gua yang sebenar sikit masa dulu. Adakah gua telah dirasuk hantu pembelajaran? Itu yang kita kena selidik. Assignment pertama gua, summarize 20 bijik journals. Hoi lah meninggal! Siapa-siapa dekat UUM ni sikit hari lagi boleh la kot tengok sekali sekala gua borak dengan beruk.

Yang keempat.

Gua baru belajar yang dekat sini tak boleh pakai jeans pergi kelas. Gua stress betul. Baju kurung dah la bawak sikit. Memang la kelas sikit je. Tapi gua rasa akak-akak sekelas gua memang boleh perasan baju apa gua pakai. Bukan nak cakap gua paling cantik dalam kelas, tapi kalau dalam kelas ada lima orang je student, tak macam kerja masing masing belek corak baju kawan sebelah kalau boring dengar lecture.

Sebenarnya gua rindu rumah weh. Gua homesick, gua makan megi hari-hari, gua malas nak basuh baju, gua beli cerek elektronik bila dah masak air rasa macam besi. Gua jalan kaki dari bus stop pergi kelas punya lah jauh ya Rabbi. Gua nangis!

Gua tak sabar nak bulan 1 ni, gua nak pergi Indonesia, gua nak cari jodoh. Jodoh pakai baju koko.

Okay so now I miss UIA.

UUM is ... okay I guess.

Apart from the monkeys in the hostel compound, crappy system and confusing lecture buildings.

I haven't try the shuttle service yet, but we'll see how.

I am too tired to even write about it now. You know, travelling from Sintok to Alor Star two days in a row almost killed me. So I've got a room in DPP (College) Bank Rakyat, 5 kilometers outside the campus, the room is okay, the hostel is a bit old and stilly, and I have no roommate yet. I know eventually I'm gonna knock someone's door and ask whether I can sleep with her. The only thing that makes me happy is that I have stack of junk food.

Classes, okay so far. I spent 2 hours in a wrong class on the first day. And I have a lecturer, a doppelganger of my auntie who likes to curse a lot. Funneh. Oh yes, I am the youngest in all classes I've registered in. Kesian weh, nak mencarut dengan siapa?

I miss my parents, and my kid brother so much. Can't wait for November to come.

Gonna snap some photos to show you my desk (because there's a photo of Ijat and Aya there), and my windows (because they put some sort of net to avoid monkeys to get in, weird).

Okay update :

So this is my work space. Its nothing much. But yes, look at those two girls. Because I am an awesome sister, like that.

And yes, because I am vain, this is my new matric card. And the face in this gambar looks slimmer than the actual printed one. Gila muka besar tayar bas.

Tu je lah.

*Bad photo quality but like, I, care.

Not serious, so?

The power of stupid jokes.

That is actually a very manipulative headline.

I was brought up not to show anger in front of other people. Except when I am too mad, there'd be certain people whom I'll burst my anger to. I don't go showing it up to random people, let alone making scene in public.

I was also brought up in the environment of giving advice in between jokes. My family, especially my aunts, they have this one weird way of giving advice between jokes and laughs. It is sometimes hurtful like hell, because it often goes straight to your face, but yet, most of the time, it is effective I tell you.

That is why people often see me joking, and not taking things seriously.

Because I believe there's no point showing people your harshness and what will they do, they'll make fun of you behind your back.

I want to be taken seriously, but you know, what's life without playing fool a little bit?

I do joke around and basically say stupid things like all the time, and I pick those who I want to be serious with. I joke because I want to avoid awkwardness, I joke because I don't want people to feel uncomfortable with me. Yeah I know sometimes my jokes do make people feel awkward and uncomfortable, but oh well.

But, being a joker doesn't mean I don't know the limit.

I don't joke with people I think I shouldn't have jokes with, and I don't joke with people I don't think would appreciate that behavior of mine.

Let alone being playful to people who don't like me.

So yes, if you couldn't find a moment of me being serious, you should already know our level of relationship.

Because I don't need to show people my brain, my feelings and my inner side. It is not even worth it.

I'd like to believe this, that I haven't finished proving things to myself, why should I even bother to show things to other people?

It is as simple as that.

This is not part of the topic, but I just realized one thing after almost six years, not having a boyfriend makes your phone a track player only. Only. Sedih to the max.

I couldn't afford to be a perfect 24 yet, anyways.

No mood to write another summer letter, but I feel like writing, so yes, here are some unnecessary things I'm gonna talk about.

1. Still in shock due to Amy Winehouse's death few days ago. Truth is, I cried a little bit. I don't know, of all celebrities, I love her the most. And the fact that we're not gonna listen to her new songs frustrates me so much. She's one in a million.

2. Went to Comadre/Fuji tour in Batu Pahat last two days after years of leaving gigs behind. I went there alone, I met Khrl there but he was busy lepaking with his friends, so practically I was there by myself, which made it more awesome. Probably the best thing happened to me in this year. Awesome, awesome shit.

3. Still haven't received UUM acceptance letter even though I already knew that I've got in. This is very depressing. It makes me feel like I'm on the edge, realizing there would always be a simple error when it comes to management stuff.

4. Ramadhan will arrive in a few days, really can't wait. I feel more blessed and calm. Really hope I can perform well this time around.

5. The act of less talking to people you rarely know is giving me the best lesson ever, because when I don't talk, they will start talking. When they start talking, I will learn something, either to continue getting to know them, or just walk away after the conversation ends.

6. It's almost reaching the third quarter of 2011, I now pronounced that I don't want 2011 to stay in my memory, except for that Comadre awesome fun I had. I was supposed to buy a car for myself earlier this year, but sometimes , a plan just stays a plan only.

7. Ayam Jantan has got himself a new girlfriend, named Syafawani. Bloody ironic, isn't it? Its always like that. Irony is like a curse to me. Since then, I swear to God not to be the first one to fall in love. Let the other party do that job, regardless when will that happen, anyways. This goes to that crush shit thingy, too.

8. I need to fix my sleeping cycle, which is the most difficult thing to do right now. As well as because I need to drive to KL four hours from now.

Life is getting easier, right? I know that.

And that's why God forbids suicide.

My cousin told me few days ago, her ex-colleague jumped off an apartment and died after she came back from her boyfriend's funeral.

That was scary.

I remember when I was in difficult times, I love to jump in the train, and just sit in there while it brought me from the beginning of the route until the end, and stay in there for few rounds before jump out of the train.

I love to see people, old people, pregnant women, couples and kids and wondering what's inside their head, what are they thinking, like how many suffer they've been through, and what makes them happy.

I failed to do so every time, of course, because I was so busy thinking about myself. But it did helped. It relieves me every time I get to see people's face. I do know that might not work on some of us, but that works on me. At times, I got jealous, you know, looking at moms smiling at their kids, couples holding hands and things like that, because they're so happy based on the looks on their face. But most of the time, I always blame my judgment that I forgot to realize there's always different side of every story.

Like who knows behind every smile, there's pain of failed marriage, or pain of broken family, or pain of losing someone or pain itself literally, from serious disease that the person might have.

And those survival smiles are really beautiful, indeed.

Since then, I learn to change my perception towards certain things. I know not all kind of pain can be avoided. But what is important for us human being is to accept things that frustrate us and turn them into lessons that teach us that this is life.

And this requires time, a lot of time, I agree. But once you're there, you'll taste the sweetest relief in the world. Just hold on to it. Have faith.

And that's another reason why God forbids suicide, because you won't feel the relief once you've done with the pain if you kill yourself before anything.

Make sense, right?

Gulp.

"Sesungguhnya tidaklah aku ingin menikah melainkan karena aku tidak ingin mati dalam keadaan agamaku ini setengah."- Mutiara Ummu Saffiyah

Hamek kau. Jauh tersasar kan niat yang sebenar?

Satu hari terkedu.

Have you ever been in a fight?

I am in one right now, with myself.

My heart says a thing, my mind says another. They don't really get along, in this particular matter.

It's like there are two parts in me. Part of it is reminding me about things with the simplest reasoning, instincts and feelings towards this.

While another says I've been through this phase before, and I've been seeing everyone doing it, so I got the influence from there, it's not really coming from my heart.

I am not happy with this, man. Really. This is sad, very sad. Really.

Islam vs Muslims

First of all, I am not going to put any references in this post, relating to the topic that I am going to discuss here. Not that I am scared I am going to be smashed back, but I believe it is good not to point my finger to people, which happens to be my topic for today.

I am a God's servant who is full of wrongs myself, arrogant, and ignorant. Therefore, I am not the right person to value the verdict.

This is actually a matter pertaining to Muslims, and their ineffective ways of preaching. I've seen a lot of Muslims, regardless of their level of piousness, failed to preach or counsel other Muslims appropriately, in terms of verbal communication, as well as body language. Especially us Malays.

For example,

"Sesiapa yang memakai _______, sesungguhnya ianya kelihatan sungguh jijik dan hina seperti perempuan ________ . "

And as for body language, almost all of us have once, maybe more, received this one kind of special look from other people, especially from people who dressed well enough to be understood as religious people.

Things like that.

Sure everyone has own stance, and my stance is, I know I commit sins, everyday, but are you sure enough that kind of preach would direct me to the right path, or at least help me to change myself to be a better person? I don't think so.

Why would this kind of people try to offer faith when they failed to portray the faith that they have in other Muslims? Maybe some of you would claim, positive efforts have been done long time before, they just didn't give positive feedbacks, but now the same question again, will this kind of efforts help?

I don't know, I don't see this helping, not even a bit. It would just bring up prejudices, fitnah, as well as false judgments.

Look at this two examples;

I went to the most Islamic University in Malaysia for my undergraduate studies, there are so many rules that are amended based on Islamic rules, such as covering aurah and all that. The ones that were caught breaking the rules, are going to be compounded, worst, expelled.

I have friends who can be considered as "near" to the religion, but never judge me for what I am, yes, they never failed to fulfill their responsibility to preach me, it is their patience and faith that actually counts.

And yes, friends of mine are the ones who have hit me with the bigger impact in changing lanes, not the authoritative rules themselves, in a good way, anyways. Expected? I am only a normal human being.

I don't feel violated as a Muslim, because I admit I myself am vile to my own religion, but it is sad seeing this because it forces me to feel scared of other fellow Muslims, not Allah S.W.T Himself.

However, it is human nature to blame. I myself blame people for things that have affected me. But no, I do blame them with good level of judgment, not stupidity. Yes, God balance us through our deeds and akhlak, but He never forgets to balance us all, regardless our level of iman, no one can escape.

Don't get me wrong here, this has nothing to do with politics. That, is just bullshit.

Certain people are very very tiring, you know.

I don't want to be spectacular, I don't want to be bold, I don't want to be awesome,

I just want to be fine. And normal.

Because being fine and normal represents the capability to live this life to the fullest, on your own. And because being fine and normal always beats people's expectation. And not to forget, being fine and normal often tells you that you have nothing to lose.

I believe in that now. I don't expect people to understand the difficult part of me, and I don't put any hopes in them having the courtesy to let me be in their life. I am not saying that I am a humble person, I am absolutely not. But I don't want to be anywhere near the spotlight, if you know what I mean.

I love myself the way I am. I just want to run free. I see a lot in this whole world. I think I want to pause everything else and focus on what I am aiming for now. Which is being fine and normal. It feels nice. At least at this particular moment.

A story of a sociopath.

Hey, there are several things to say.

1. The closer I get to the date I'm going back to my hometown, the happier I get to be. Seriously.

2. Yes, we evolve. But things or people don't really stay. And that's rather sad.

3. I am seriously in need of cash. Boy, I failed as a daughter.

4. Look, I thought I love Twitter. But I actually don't. I no longer know the real function of it.

5. My shitty life is not moving. Everyone else's does. That is the shitty part of it.

6. Bitching is a new way to make friends. Try that, especially if you're a girl who has self issues.

7. Getting older is not funny anymore. Able to do practically everything is scary, dude.

8. I regret moving in together with my cousin. I should have not done that.

9. I am gonna get a cat, a fat cat, in May, for heaven's sake.

10. No, nothing about boys this time. Talking about men all the time makes me feel like a little whore.

Pictures, later. When I am in the mood.

Oh, pretending like things are okay when you know they aren't, sucks, big time. You don't have to be my anything if you don't want to. I am a grown woman, I can stand on my own. I don't need coward bastards to fake a smile, to ask me whether I'm okay or not just to feel good about themselves.

Because you've hurt me, not so long ago, remember?

And trying to make it up to yourself, is cheap. Seriously.

Sungguh random.

I am feeling a little bit uninspired lately. But I think that's okay. Life has got its ups and downs.

There's no story to tell. There's no frustration. I am happy happy for no reasons. I just don't know why. If I am not happy, I am okay. There's no space for sadness, at all.

Oh, but I pray to God for Sheima's health. Her condition is worsening, though slowly. Latest, she's been diagnosed with Hepatitis B. How frustrating is that? I hate to see her fall sick. Its killing me inside. Now God, please help her, please help us all, please.

Sending application (in a process of sending it), I've decided to go for UUM, to do Applied Linguistics, may the application will be accepted, InsyaAllah. If there's no complication, and if I am accepted to further there, the next intake will be in June (correction: September actually.).

The best part is, I no longer swear. Like totally free from swearing. Not even a single word. Except for "Bo...doh gilaaa!" or "Bangang ke apa?". I feel guilty every time I was about to swear. Hope this will last. It is good, isn't it? But I kinda miss those bad words, I am.

So yes, that is all. Things are coming, but I want to keep it first. There will be a laugh if its really going to happen.

Kempen "Membaca Itu Sudah Lama Start, Kau Je Yang Lembab!"

I have this hobby right now, which is doing research on things. No, particularly I just read about things. No research, just reading and a lot of 'ohh' and 'hmm' and 'whoa' happened in the process. It is fun.

The thing is, I was so ignorant I refused to read. I just gained things and info about what happened in this world simply by asking. Especially history. It is terrible you know, when you know things from the surface only and have no intention to read further.

Ish, ish, ish.

I always love to read about Sirah Rasulullah S.A.W. Or anything regarding to Islamic history. It fascinates me. I remember I finished reading a book of Kisah Nabi in one night. As well as local myths, awesome ones especially. Such as those Hikayat Puteri Gunung Ledang, or Sultan Mahmud Mangkat Dijulang, or even the story about a Dragon that resides under Muar Bridge. I just don't know why, I am always attracted to this kind of story.

Where can I get more of those Malay hikayats?

p/s: I don't know whether you feel it too, I think this blog looks dull when I stopped swearing. But I can't, I am restraining myself from doing it.

Kau dengan aku sama saja buruknya.

Perihal membuka pekung di dada ni memang setail lah.

Aku sejenis manusia yang sekali melangkah, takde mananya nak toleh belakang dah. Hati aku keras. Degil, Nauzubillah. Mak bapak aku pun mengaku kerasnya hati aku. Bila aku nak, aku nak jugak jugak.

Bila aku tak nak, aku tak suka, aku boleh buat bodoh dengan selamba, apa lagi nak ambil peduli.

Aku selalu buat orang marah, selalu buat orang terasa, tapi bila nak mintak maaf, sekali pun payah.

Ego aku tinggi. Tinggi langit. Aku sombong, aku tak ramah, aku memilih kawan. Aku jaga kelas, walaupun kelas aku sebenarnya di bawah, bukan di atas. Aku selalu tak berkenan dengan orang, selalunya sebelum berkenalan.

Aku pemalas. Kemas rumah, mop lantai, sapu sampah bukan 'scene' aku. Aku tak reti masak. Basuh baju pakai mesin pun aku terkial-kial. Ciri-ciri berkahwin memang tak ada langsung. Apa lagi nak jadi anak solehah.

Aku jarang serius. Semua benda aku ambil lewa. Semua hal aku buat ketawa. Aku gemar bersuka-suka. Berhibur sampai orang naik pelik, tak penat ke?

Jadi itu baru separuh sifat buruk aku.

Kalau keluarkan semua, boleh buat letih nak baca balik.

Malu?

Biasa je sebenarnya.

Orang datang dan pergi disebabkan ini. Tetapi buat masa ini, semua tu tak apa.

Sebab satu asas hidup aku pegang,

"Hidup memang dikelilingi orang. Tapi orang bukan satu, bukan juga sejuta.

Yang penting, jadikan diri sebagai hak diri sendiri, bukan orang lain punya."

p/s: Aku hormat cara hidup kau yang bertentangan dengan cara hidup aku, sila belajar hormat cara hidup aku, yang dah tak perlu ada kau di dalamnya.

Di mana terselitnya Khairunnisa itu?

O Prophet! when believing women come to you giving you a pledge that they will not associate aught with Allah, and will not steal, and will not commit fornication, and will not kill their children, and will not bring a calumny which they have forged of themselves, and will not disobey you in what is good, accept their pledge, and ask forgiveness for them from Allah; surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. 12:60

It's only February and I hate 2011 already. Haih.

Something is missing. You know, like you think you're fine, all is okay, but when you're alone, when everyone else is dreaming, you just sit and realize something is not there.

Do I need to change anything?

The truth is, I do. But I just don't know how to.

Came across Kak Maria's tweet. Said she wants to be a perfect Khairunnisa.

I am Khairunnisa. My name is Syafawati Khairunnisa.

But I am not sure I am Khairunnisa enough for myself. I don't know whether people can see the Khairunnisa in me. I want to be a perfect Khairunnisa too. I can be a Khairunnisa, I suppose. But I just don't know if I am able to do so. At least for now.

The phrase "sebaik-baik perempuan" as Khairunnisa means is really challenging. I've tried to be one, once. No, several times. But truthful is, I am not strong enough. I was demeaned by my own self.

Still, I am ashamed by the name I carry throughout my whole life. For not portraying the meaning of it. Of course.

4 days trip to Kampung. More photos are on their way.