2015 and yeah, 2015.

Now it's already 2015.
I'm going to be 28 in 10 months.
Not that I'm anticipating that, but it will come eventually.

So, yeah, 2014 was full of lessons.
But there wasn't any drama.
Oh yeah, except one. But it wasn't really my drama
though I was too, affected because of it.
Fucking selfish people are everywhere.

I think I'll get back to writing, because
no one really stayed long enough to listen
what's really in my mind and my heart.

So these are the lesson I've learned in 2014.

1. Being selfish is going to make people hate you.
Especially when it's going to affect them.

2. Never try to make friends through online sites
if you're ugly and fat even though you're convinced that you
have a big heart. Some shallow bastards can never be stopped, really.

3. People aren't much help with depressions.
Find your way out. Stop talking about it, but don't keep
it lingering in your mind. Run, read, travel, shop, or do
whatever you think will help. It's about willpower.

4. When you reach certain age, you will start to appreciate
things that once were not important, like every cent you gave out
for people, it will come back to you or every single care you give
out to people, it will come back right when you absolutely need it.

5. It's fine to fall in love every time you see
people who are attractive, like in a coffee shop,
or on the bus, but only if you're single. You cannot
hold that love you have so much by yourself.

6. Do everything to please your parents.
That's one of the reasons why you live.

So yeah, that's about it. I didn't really learn anything last year.
2014 was a tough year I'm going to remember
it for the rest of my life.
The year where I worked my ass off to pay for life.
The year where I abandoned everything that makes me
happy just to please people.

I'm not going to expect anything this year,
but yeah, I'll try to be happy once in awhile.


Mungkin senyum aku jarang,
maka kau lupa aku perempuan.

Mungkin sebab dada aku rata,
maka kau lupa aku perempuan.

Mungkin sebab carut aku kasar,
maka kau lupa aku perempuan.

Mungkin sebab ego aku menjulang,
maka kau lupa aku perempuan.

Mungkin, mungkin, mungkin.
Mungkin juga kau sengaja pejam mata.


Maka biar aku simpan -
semua simpuh, semua santun, semua sipu.
Berdiri aku, tahu aku,
perempuannya diriku.
Cukup walaupun kau tak tahu.

Happy New Year

I am a 'good friend' type of a girl.
People see me as someone who they can lean on to, someone who always get their back up whenever they are falling down, and someone who is always be there when there's no one else they could turn to.

I'm fine with it, in fact, I love it.
Because that makes me feel like I'm needed.

But what makes me hate that title is that they always point it out.
Either by actions, or even by words.
It's like they're building a barrier in front of me.
And telling me to the face that I've failed the only chance before I even get to try.

I know, I'm not enough, never will I be enough.
So, just keep that to yourself and don't tell me I'm as good as your good friend only.
Because I'm just a fucking good friend.

Happy New Year.
I'm 27 years old this year.
A hopeless, helpless 27 years old fucking good friend.

Congratulations Mimin & Ebi.

So, last Saturday was the day my then-best-friend and my ex boyfriend got married.
I was invited of course, because now we're friends again,
so I went there with other friends,
and my cousins too since we were that close, before.

The wedding was, dude, it was super grand I bet the bride father spent hundreds thousands on it, it was like a fairytale, it was awesome.

I cried a little when I hugged her. No, not little. I was sobbing the whole way back, I even cried in my sleep.
Not because I'm frustrated or something, but it felt like a burden has been taken off of my shoulder.
It felt like half of me is flying away I don't even have to worry about anything right now.
Not that I have to worry about anything in the first place, but yeah.
I'm glad things turned out like this.

What I actually want to write is about things I couldn't say straight to their face.
I hope she read this, even though in million years, she won't even get to read this.

Dear Mimin,

I was so selfish, I even made you choose between us.
I was so greedy back then, I wanted you all by myself. 
I wonder what will happen if you choose me.
Would we even stay friends until now?

But I'm glad you chose the other party anyway,
because all I realized was that we bounced back to each other.
And you get to have both of us.

I'm glad I am the medium of your love,
that's the least I could do for you.
I am happy you've found your love,
I'm happy you're obviously happy.

I pray a lot for your marriage. InsyaAllah, amin.

I loved you then, I love you now, and I will always love you.


And yes, to the groom,

Dude, you just rock.

Through all of these years.

I guess, that's the hardest part of letting go my Twitter account. Not that I write about everything on it, but when I wanna write about something, I always contemplate whether it is appropriate enough to let public know how I feel. So that stops me. But when my Twitter is no longer there, I always feel this kind of desperation of letting out what suffocates me inside. I have nowhere to go to. And talking about this to my parents, Lye, or my friends somehow seems like the awkwardest way ever.

I am on the verge of what 26-years-old-hormone-changes can really do to a pathetic woman.

I need a stranger who is willing to listen to me, and then maybe slap my face for being such a whiny ass.


Ada seorang perempuan. Perempuan biasa. Perempuan yang redha.
Perempuan yang sedar mana tempat berdirinya. Perempuan yang simpan semua sakit di balik ketawa. Perempuan yang kata, "Oh, tak mengapa, aku dah biasa". Perempuan yang penat melawan dunia.

Ada seorang perempuan. Perempuan biasa.
Perempuan yang percaya di setiap pengakhiran, pasti baik belaka.

Diari seorang anak. Pehh

Gua rasa bila dah meningkat dewasa, secara automatiknya cita-cita kita pun berubah.
Daripada nak jadi guru besar, doktor, ahli arkeologi, angkasawan dah sebagainya, berubah mengikut kelulusan yang ada. Selalunya memang begitulah.

Tapi sebenarnya, gua lupakan cita-cita gua sejak masuk sekolah menengah.
Sebab gua malas belajar.
"Belajar pun liat, cemana nak jadi ahli arkeologi?" bisik fikiran gua.
Jadi gua redha dengan apa yang gua akan jadi bila gua besar.
Bila gua semakin besar, masuk universiti, dari pada malas buka buku, gua gagahkan diri jugak belajar.

Sekarang umur gua dah hampir baru 26 tahun, dan gua masih lagi belajar.
Tiba-tiba gua ada cita-cita balik.

Mak bapak.

Sebab apa?
Sebab bakti itu wajib.
Sebab bayar hutang peluh dan susu bukan percuma.

Mak bapak mana yang tak akan cakap,
"Kalau kau bahagia, ibu ayah pun sama bahagia."?
Percayalah, mak bapak itu perlu dimanja.
Sebijik waktu kau sikit masa dulu merengek mahukan mainan, macam itulah samanya.

Memang mak bapak tak pernah minta, tak pernah berkira.
Tapi takkan lah kau nak senyum saja bila mak bapak mengeluh pening lenguh,
atau kusut bila duit tak cukup.
Takkan lah.
Bagi aku, itu bukan lagi setakat tanggungjawab, itu syarat.
Syarat untuk kau bernafas.

Buat masa sekarang, mak bapak gua orang paling atas.
Walaupun gua kuat melawan, gua degil, mak bapak gua masih lagi yang terutama.
Andai kata satu hari nanti, bila keadaan dan situasi berubah,
mak bapak gua masih lagi di kedudukan teratas.
Tolong lempang gua kalau gua tak sedar diri.


Pak Long, Mak Long, Ibu and Ayah
Masjid Raya Baiturrahman, Acheh

Back in January, Mak Long asked me to bring her on a trip. I asked her where to, and she said she wanted to go to Acheh. Taking this opportunity, I asked my parents to join us. So, last month, we went to Acheh. There were seven of us, Pak Long, Mak Long, Ayah, Ibu, Lye, her husband Lie and me.

Forget about things we did and places we went, I just want to highlight what I got from this trip. I enjoyed this trip the most, because from the moment I arrived in Acheh, until few minutes before we took off from that land, there's this kind of warm feeling, which I can't explained because I don't know how to.

Even though Acheh now, years after Tsunami, is completely developed, the traces of disaster can't be seen except for the ones they keep for tourism purposes, listening to people's stories, in fact, walking on the ground that was once destroyed was really, really, really something.

Fortunately, the place we were staying in is near Masjid Raya Baiturrahman, one of the mosques which claimed to be 'untouched' when the extreme flood swept away almost everything on the ground. So we just walked to the mosque for Subuh prayer, and the moment I stepped inside the mosque, I cried. I felt so small. It is actually similar to other mosques, like the ones in Malaysia, but I myself don't know why I cried so much the moment I performed my sujud

It was really heartwarming. 

Overall, Acheh is one of the perfect places to go if you want to find your heart. Really. And spending times together with people you love, it left you with precious memories you'll treasure in your life.

Guruku, idolaku.

Hello, assalamualaikum.

I think I should change my own purpose of having a blog. I used to write for people, and now I want to write for myself. I should write things I want to remember, things I treat as lessons I should learn. I think that's the best so when I read my posts later when I'm old, I'll remember the person I used to be, I'll remember things I based my philosophy and thoughts on.

Yes. Okay, first.

I went to a motivation camp for elementary students in Mersing, Johor organized by my mom. As a helper, I've got to spent my time with those lovely but a same time troubled students. They're super naughty, it was really hard controlling them.

It is sad to see 12 years old kids got involved with so many problems. Some of them steal, they hit their friends, they call their friends with names, they don't listen to their teachers, they skip school. They don't want to learn as some of them don't even know how to spell. It may looks simple for us adults, but i ask myself, what will they become in the future if they have that attitude as early as age?

But what makes me feel really sad is that some of their teachers know that this is a real problem, but seems like they think they should put their hands on it. Not all teachers are like this, but some of them perhaps think that teaching equals to paycheck. Nothing more than that.

On the second day, during their sleeping hours, particularly at 2 freaking am, some of them started to play. They threw rubber slippers to their friends who are sleeping and ended up hurting one of them. The boy's ribs area started to swell he cant even move. So as two of their teachers bring that boy to the nearest hospital, we called up the rest of the boys to  line up outside, in the middle of the field, to find out who did it. One male teacher came and started to shout, curse them, called them as a bunch of monkeys and stuff, in front of our eyes. Mom stopped him but he kept on saying stuff.

The thing is, I still cant believe how could a teacher, to his students, said such things. They are not animals. They don't even deserve to be called that names no matter how low they are.


I am not a teacher, I don't know anything about teaching, or handling kids, but as far as i know, teaching is one of the holiest professions in life. And kids learn from their teacher. But these teachers, of course not all teachers, but numbers of them, they mark the troubled kids. They make them feel distant, they keep scolding them they even cuss them.

They don't care what are these kids' problem. They don't know that these kids are having difficulties at their home, they don't even know some of these kids are fatherless.

So, who should take responsibilities to guide them?

Things like this should change. I remember when I was in my schooling days, I went to many schools, from Melaka to Kedah to Johor, I've transferred to both Grade A and Grade C schools. And it was hideous. The environment was different, the way teachers taught and treated me was also different. I was confused then, but seeing this happened in front of my eyes, while I'm old enough to judge, it frustrates me a lot. 

If I ever end up as a teacher one day, I really hope I don't forget to treat my students as my own children, as my amanah. InsyaAllah. 

Happy Belated Teacher's Day anyway.

Colorful day and a cup of tea.

No one can love me more than myself.

To be honest, I feel so content at the moment. Even though I am alone, I am not even lonely. You know at one point you feel its fine not to have what other people have, I've realized life is always like that. It depends on how we perceive it.

I wish I could tell someone that I am really fine now, because when I say things, people often feel sorry for me. They would go, "Oh its okay Syafa, you're a tough girl, you can face the world alone but someone might come along eventually you just need to hold on a little bit longer. But deep inside they would just feel pity for me. I know because even my parents feel the same.

I really dislike that. Not that I don't need that someone I just wish people could see the really okay me.
I just need them to know it is fine for me to think that commitment falls on the second place.

I start to think that I am fine being alone when I no longer get angry when people tease me about marriage. I can simply laugh along without feeling mad about it. I've tasted childish infatuation, I've felt one-sided love, I've faced betrayal and I've got over those phases. I've learned to accept what has been written. Yes things will come naturally but let the time decide. Everyone can be happy with their partner but why can't they feel the same without one? I am receiving so much love from my family and friends, there's a room for more but yes, I have enough not to let me suffer if I don't get any from so-called partner.

So yeah, if anyone read this, I just want to tell you that I am really, truly from the bottom of my heart, fine. I am not even lying, I am truly happy. I just don't want to waste another second feeling all blue.

I'm hebbi, you're hebbi, we're hebbi.

Hello, we meet again.

There’s nothing to talk about lately. Apart from how hot Kedah is, I have nothing actually to say. My dissertation stuff is stressing me out. Too little time to finish everything, I totally can die like this.

Oh yes, one thing. I really wish I didn’t grow up. Being a grownup is tiring, really. Responsibilities are clinging onto me. I don’t have anyone to depend on. At the age of almost 26, I can’t depend on my parents, not anymore. I need to settle things up by myself. Yes, I have siblings, but let’s talk about that some other time. Acting like the oldest is yes, tiring too.

                I talked about this to Lye and Lie last two weeks, and they said, “InsyaAllah, Tuhan tunjuk jalan nanti.” So I said to myself, “I need to believe that. I have to believe that.”

                Nevertheless, I’m happy.

I feel happy so many things are going to happen this year. Another loved one is getting married this May. Then I’ll be the only one who wears different colour or pattern whenever we have weddings, because everyone else is married, so they will wear matching clothes.

I feel happy because my young brother is now really an adult; he’s now an independent man. I remember when we’re both in our early years of study period, and we both didn’t have money, so I shared my last ringgit with him, and look at him now, he even paid for everything.

I feel happy I have so many cats back at home. We now have 26 kittens, mummy cats, daddy cats. Mom called me every two days just to update me about them. I can’t wait to squeeze them.

I feel happy strangers even smile at me now. Remember when I said I feel so isolated here, being all alone and so on. Now people even said ‘Hi’ or ‘Bye’ to me spontaneously. It is so weird, but I think it is hilarious.

I feel happy for no reason actually, maybe because I've got over things already.

I miss my undergrad life.

I admit that I wasn't really a good student back then, be it in high school, or even during undergraduate studies. I am definitely not smart, nor that I am stupid, and I'm not even really hard working when it comes to studying.

But then, I guess I was really lucky enough to get fine grades, even some good ones.

I was super lazy, still am now. Skipped classes constantly, often got low marks for midterm exams, zero commitments given in doing group assignment, below than average in terms of presentation skills.

I was that low.

But what is my formula to get good grades?

Yes, know your strategies.

Which here means, I know when to concentrate on my revision even if its only hours from the real exam, I know when to get serious in order to absorb the whole semester in. I'm the type of student who can only focus in the last minute, so for me, attending class for the whole semester is a boring thing especially with the boring lecturers.

I did it out of respect towards the teacher, as well as for the sake of attendance system.

But I absolutely enjoyed the class that is full of discussions, instead of full boring lessons. I still remember, there were some classes during my undergraduate studies that I enjoyed so much, even though I hate the subjects. I still love those lecturers.

So yeah, the only time I can absorb is when I played 'teacher' during last discussion with Ain and Raihana.

What I'm saying is, no, I don't have intention to brag or anything, but you have to know your own strength in studying, then you'll ace well. Some may beg to differ, they have their own way, and their way is rather effective, but it really depends on the individual capabilities when it comes to studying. Really.

But yes, I'm still super duper thankful to my lecturers. For the rest of my life.

And I'm fine with people who don't really focus in their study, as long as the outcome of it is something really worth to be proud of, and the effort of getting it is something that should be paid off.

Because I believe studying is an individual skill.

Overly attached me.

I might not have the best things in this world, but I have enough things to make me feel the best.
Including these.

I need a real slap.

I just had a conversation with Jijo one hour ago before she let her first cute snore out.

She said she realized that I've become so passive nowadays, I am not like I was before. She said I no longer hang out with people, I don't make friends, I don't communicate much, I prefer being alone, I am less bubbly, happy, friendly, and so on.

And then, she asked me why.

Well, that snapped my arse out of me. I've changed so much. Not that I have matured, no.

I admit that I kind of distant myself from people around. I stop seeing people, I refuse to go out, I don't really have social life. Other than my close friends and my cousins, I only communicate with people on social networking sites, not in the real world. I'd become so awkward if I see someone I know walking in front of me to the extent I'm going to quickly take out my phone and pretend that I'm on something. I just don't know why.

Perhaps, when I see people around me starting to have other commitments, I kinda back myself off. Not that I'm not okay with that, it is fine, in fact, it is good to move on from certain phase of your life to another but I guess I'm having difficulties trying to adjust myself a little bit in this overwhelming stage.

People have their own life, I have mine too, so I'm trying be part of people's life with suitable 'amount' of involvement, so I don't become a nuisance or burden. I guess that's it.

Or maybe, maybe, the fact that I am afraid people will hurt me contributes a lot to this problem. I'm afraid of expectations, a little bit of commitments, and unpromising certainty.

I know its not healthy to just keep everything to myself and not wanting to open up a space for other people, but I just no longer know how to. And what makes it worse is, my brain and my heart told me, "Don't go back to the old me, the happy, friendly you. Just stay like this."

This is childish, and I'm almost 26. This is hell.

Definitely a miss.

Let's talk about timing.

In my case, timing is just a super bitch. I've missed out so many opportunities that were meant to change my life, and looking back at it, only like 5% of it can be counted as my own fault.

Maybe it's a curse, maybe I have no luck at all, I don't know. 

I just have no hope left. 
And I am somehow at this point, want to stop believing that better things are gonna come at the end of the road, because reality is, everything sucks.

Things I've learned in 2012.

Yes, 2012 has passed. There's nothing much of it, but I do learned a lot of things last year. Things that I'm sure will help me to get better. Or at least to stop me from making the same mistakes again.

1. Do not let others decide things for you, especially when you're old enough to know what's good and what's bad. Learn to make decision, even if in the end it turns bad, it'll help to mature you.

2. End your one-sided love if it is no longer worth it. Having crush is a cute thing, until you realize that you'll end up crushing yourself into pieces.

3. You do need friends. But you do need some space. Take time to be on your own, make friends with non-living things. No, that's not weird, books can everyone's good friend.

4. Do not forget that marriage somehow comes with responsibilities. Get involved with it once you're really prepared.

5. Facebook can sometimes poison you.

6. Never lose weights because you want other people to accept you. I swear to God you'll have to deal with other kinds of depression that come after that.

7. Some beliefs and principles are meant to go against one another. Live with yours, and don't question others'.

8. Some older people tend to become super conservative. Respect their thoughts, but never let them affect yours, when you yourself know how to live your life. They sometimes failed to adjust what's on their mind with current situation.

9. When you reach certain age, you'll learn how to control your feelings. Seriously.

10. The last but the most important lesson I learned last year, your mum and dad are your priority. Well, sometimes you fight with them over silly things, but do know that they're the most understanding people on earth once you let them believe you're ready to rock the world.

Well for this year, I hope I can make certain changes. Whether I succeed or not, we'll talk about it next year.


Don't ever think your life is mundane, there might be surprises coming out of nowhere.

I once heard someone said, "Never stop doing good deeds, even if its just a small help, it will make your entire day."

And this, happened to me today. It was nothing, really. I helped a Thai guy to fuel up his tank since he didn't know whether to choose RON95 or RON97 for his car. It was a very small help. As I was chitchatting with him, the attendant came to help and to my surprise, that Thai guy said to me,

"Alhamdulillah, thank you very much."

That shocked me well, why? Because this guy looks so hmm, Chinese and very modern I almost doubt if he's a Muslim, but not in a racist way. Or maybe he said Alhamdulillah because I am a Muslim. Anyway, you know what I mean. And I know it is very possible to see a Muslim Thai here, but I never thought Alhamdulillah would come out from his mouth when I help him.

Well the point now is, that makes me think, whenever I received any help from other people, especially me, in seldom occasions I would say praise to Allah first (that ungrateful of me) and then thank the person second. I think it's time to change another attitude. Not necessarily do I have to say it in front of the person who helped me, but yeah enough to let God knows I am very grateful to Him to have a person to be there when I'm in need. InsyaAllah.

And that, obviously made my entire day. Really.

The reality behind every perception.

I am not in a position to say this as I myself do the same thing, but...

People talk way too much.
They just love to talk about other people.
Every hurtful and cynical comment that came from their mouth is just, plainly annoying.

I am sick of Twitter, really. Its a place where people whine about other people, and regretfully, I do the same. I think we all should stop doing that. We don't have to criticize every single thing that happened to other people. We don't have to judge people's decisions or actions. That is not an honest opinion, but rather the portrayal of our own stupidity.

If we have one, just keep it to ourselves. If we can't, write it on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle, and keep it. Two years later, read them all back and see how annoying we were for being so nosy.

I hate to see people bashing/condemning other people with or without evidence, especially when things that they talk about have nothing to do with them. Useless critiques really kill, dude.

But yeah, I can't let Twitter go because it is the only medium to talk to my friends and cousins, since I'm not SMS/phone call type of person. I only use phone or SMS to communicate with my mum, dad or kid brother. Or Lye and Ijat, once in awhile.

Welcome to the fallout.

I was just watching Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging for the 1870435th time. Towards the end, it makes me realize that Robbie guy, the hero, resembles someone. He reminds me of someone I thought I could forget, but apparently I couldn't.

Well, that's that.

I just discovered one new thing about me, not a good thing, though.

I hate being in the middle of a crowd.
I feel really exhausted when that happens. I think a lot about this lately. Well, people (read: family members and friends) say I'm a mood maker, I'm such a laugh, funny and all that, but the truth is, I despise it A LOT.
Being funny leads people to not taking you seriously, and that's happening to me now.

No one really asked me whether I'm fine, or not,
because they are used to that smile on my freaking face.
No one really asked how do I feel,
though I look perfectly normal.

People just don't know that I am not okay. I am really not okay. I am depressed. I feel empty.
I feel like half of me is dead, another half is dying. I am not okay.

That's a reason why I stop talking to some people.
I'm running away from them. I am running away from everything.
I'm not blaming people for not giving attention, I just hate being a clown for certain people.

I just hate it to death.

Gua punya hangin dengan isu pernikahan ni.

Buat yang tak sabar nak tengok gua kahwin, gua persembahkan gambar gua syok sendiri dengan penuh keayuan di atas jinjang pelamin. Halemek.


Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, yang nak nikah tu abang gua, bukan gua! Sepuluh kali jumpa, sepuluh kali lah ulang "Yang ini lah yang nak nikah minggu depan tu ye?". Ingat gua takde kerja lain ke selain daripada ulang yang nak kahwin tu abang gua dengan tunang dia? Sekali tanya memang la gua sudi nak senyum lagi tapi kalau sepuluh kali ulang benda yang sama boleh kencing manis gua. Gua bengang la.


Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, bila semua orang sekeliling gua kahwin, abang gua kahwin, best friend gua kahwin, sepupu rapat gua kahwin/tunang, tak semestinya gua pun kena kahwin jugak dalam masa terdekat ni. Jangan jangka benda yang tak mungkin dari gua boleh tak? Tak payah la nak main teka-teka bila tarikh gua patut kahwin, Tuhan tahu kot kerja dia, tak payah susah-susah nak tolong atur. Gua bengang la.


Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, GUA MUDA LAGI LA WOI! 25 tahun tu masih lagi usia nak berseronok yang mana dah kahwin tu dah jodoh dia tak mungkin lah gua sebagai manusia biasa ni nak menghalang ye tak? Nak gua buat pengumuman ke yang gua tak ada rancangan nak nikah? Bayang teman lelaki pun tak mungkin dapat dilihat nak suruh gua kahwin dengan siapa? Kucing gua? Gua bengang la.


Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, terima kasih banyak-banyak tapi tak payah carikan jodoh untuk gua. memang betul jodoh tu kena cari tapi sebagai wanita yang berwawasan, gua rasa gua belum terdesak lagi mungkin bila umur gua dah mencecah 35 tahun dan dah cukup kaya dah boleh lah tolong carikan kalau ada yang mahu tapi buat masa ini gua masih dalam zon bertenang lagi, tolong bertenang sama tak boleh ke? Gua bengang la.

Kahwin itu penting, namun belum jatuh di tempat pertama lagi dalam senarai kepentingan. Bukan sombong dengan Tuhan tapi sedar mana letak duduk diri sendiri. Tak payah susah hati tolong fikirkan.