Welcome to the fallout.

I was just watching Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging for the 1870435th time. Towards the end, it makes me realize that Robbie guy, the hero, resembles someone. He reminds me of someone I thought I could forget, but apparently I couldn't.

Well, that's that.


I just discovered one new thing about me, not a good thing, though.

I hate being in the middle of a crowd.
I feel really exhausted when that happens. I think a lot about this lately. Well, people (read: family members and friends) say I'm a mood maker, I'm such a laugh, funny and all that, but the truth is, I despise it A LOT.
Being funny leads people to not taking you seriously, and that's happening to me now.


No one really asked me whether I'm fine, or not,
because they are used to that smile on my freaking face.
No one really asked how do I feel,
though I look perfectly normal.


People just don't know that I am not okay. I am really not okay. I am depressed. I feel empty.
I feel like half of me is dead, another half is dying. I am not okay.


That's a reason why I stop talking to some people.
I'm running away from them. I am running away from everything.
I'm not blaming people for not giving attention, I just hate being a clown for certain people.

I just hate it to death.

The Couples

My two favorite girls are married.

One is my ultra best friend, Ijat, the one in purple.

Another is Lye, my ultra cousin, the one in yellow.

It is kinda late to post about Ijat's wedding, since it was three months ago, and she's already pregnant at the moment, but still, she's my favorite girl. And Lye's wedding was held last two weeks.

And this makes me ponder about something.

Everyone around me is really settling down.

Though me and Ijat, we don't have enough memories compared to what I have with Lye, we have our own bubble. What I share with Ijat is rather special, I could not let her go no matter what.

And with Lye, I spent half of my childhood with her, and there's a space filled by her in my adulthood. She was really there whenever I'm up or down, and she still is.

Now, they are married.

I am super happy.

More people are getting married, and I am pleased to eat more lauk kenduri.

What happened during my hiatus.

I think I grew up a little bit.

I spent last few months reminiscing old memories, how many years I went through being a piece of trash, how many nights I spent being damned, how I became rebellious due to lack of attention, not from my parents, but from surrounding, and how I was struck back.

However, I don't regret growing up the way I did, because if I was too beautiful, I was too smart, I was too rich, I won't be thinking about this later when I'm supposed to. Because I know myself, I was too fragile, too desperate and too stupid.

Well, I asked Ayah few days ago during iftar,

"When do you think the hardest period of our life as a family, Yah?"

Ayah answered,

"I don't think we have ever gone through any lowest situation. Nope. Never."

I am proud of his answer, he didn't say that because of his pride, it was because he is strong like that.

I never see him whining about any single thing happened to us. Let alone being mad seeing me failed.

And then Min, out of nowhere said,

"The year of 2009."

It was like he can read my mind. And then I realized, that was when I started to change. I started to think as an adult, to consider about things, to think about future.

I admit, I am the best living example of "people can only start to realize when they were knocked out by life". It was the hardest. Of course I feel really grateful those things happened to our family, because if not, I don't know what kind of person I am going to turn out to be.

Start again, every time you fail, every time your hopes were crushed into pieces.

It was built in 1922.

Last weekend, I went to Penang after approximately 13 years hoi I was so freaking excited I got hyper all the way from Sintok to the island.

There's nothing much apart from a visit to Little India, Penang Road, Penang Hill (this one, I'm not gonna get up there, because its too high I cannot stand it) and shopping malls to spend my student 1 Malaysia vouchers.

Well, I didn't get the chance to taste Penang real food for the second time (and after 13 years, of course, its not like there's no Penang food outside of Penang, but you know what I mean, the feel, the feel), but I stayed at my friend's place, and her mother is a Super Cook, seriously her curry made me cry, super tasty I feel like smuggling her mom back to Sintok and let me and my tummy die in happiness.

Okay, till then.

But before that, it sucks not to have Internet connection in my room, and I am too bimbo to blog from my phone, but it seems like I've abandoned this blog for quite a long bit. There's so much more to talk about, but there's no opportunity to do so. Tsk.

So, this year.

Never too late to have new resolutions, I suppose.

This year, I'm gonna start paying my PTPTN loan, be it MYR50 per month, I must pay.

This year, I'm so gonna watch my own language as its getting crappier day by day.

This year, I'm gonna bring that shopping bag I got as a gift from A&A Family Day Committees, wherever I go.

This year, I'm gonna smile more that I did last year. To random people, I mean.

This year, I'm gonna start lowering my hijab, appropriately below my chest, because it does make me feel right. And yes, because it is God's demand, of course.

And this year, I'm gonna finish the whole Quran, all 30 juzu', as I am 25 years old this year and I don't wanna die in humiliation towards God.

InsyaAllah.

Bandung, and a hole in my heart.

A view from inside of the angkot, one of public transportations in Bandung,

in the middle of crazy traffic, of course.

And if you can see me in the rear mirror, trying to seduce pakcik angkot.

So yes, this is a post about Bandung.

Too bad I don't have many photos, because we're busy doing some recordings for Sheima's vlog, so I'll just wait for that.

Forget about what we did there during our vacation (you know us girls, Bandung, what else?), I want to talk about the other side of Bandung. I don't really have the correct suitable word for the place. But there's something different about the place. Despite its bad traffic and quite number of populations, I love Bandung because of its weather, the people there, the food (yes, the food!), and the ambiance.

The weather was so good I don't mind living there, its chilly but yet not too cold, even if its sunny.

The people are so nice, ramah-tamah level 16 Zuma.

And the food, the food, ya Allah. I can't stop thinking about their Teh Botol and Es Campur.

But one thing about Bandung, or maybe Indonesia that makes me wonder, is their youth waste.

I'm not saying this in a negative way, but it was sad to see perfect-healthy-probably-smarter-than-I-am teenagers busking at those traffic lights and road junctions. It was also sad seeing kids selling rocks (for the love of God, rocks), newspapers (one kid approached me and said, "Teh, beli korannya teh, buat nambah uang beli buku.") and stuff like that just to get money. They'd do anything to survive the poverty. My heart aches, until now.

Maybe it is due to overpopulation stuff or whatever, but the differences between one caste to another is really obvious we've never seen it anywhere in Malaysia, I swear to God. I feel bad that I sometimes look down on those immigrants, I've failed to remember there's another set of life lower than theirs back in their country, what they do to survive while I, enjoying my life bit to bit without having to worry about money I spend, about time I waste doing nothing and that saddens me to the freaking core.

So yes, that's one thing I won't forget about Bandung. The impact of seeing what I've just wrote above teaches me whole lot, like super I won't ever get it out of my mind. And I appreciate Bandung for that.

I am so gonna go to Bandung, again. In fact, I've bought tickets to Bandung, this April.

This time around, screw shopping, I'm gonna go get another meaning of life.

Living on quotes, lately.

"On hijab, there are much to learn as well, learning how to dress in a better way, learn to motivate myself and others and learn to raise my faith in Allah, and of course learn to be honest in wearing hijab. This is what I am, I am no longer concerned about self-image, it would only shift and distort the intentions, vision and mission on hijab."

Dhatu Rembulan , Street Hijab.

InsyaAllah.

God knows how far this quote moves me especially the last sentence.

Only God knows.

Right when I need it.

"Berimanlah walaupun kita tahu itu susah terjadi, karena dalam hati kita punya sepotong kecil harapan bahwa suatu hari nanti itu akan terjadi."

Arlanda Ghazali Langitan, one of The Changcuters guitarists

Because I really think that life is based on belief you have in yourself,

as well as faith you have in the Person up there.

"...be brave, funny and creative; to be more than just a shell."

Gabrielle Solis, one of the characters in Desperate Housewives

Because I really think that it is okay if no one notices you,

as long as you realize that it is actually what makes you stand out.

These two quotes came in right when I need it.

One right after I followed him on Twitter.

Another one when I was finishing my subtitle translation.

Right when I'm searching for the real connection to prove that life has two sides.

One that is already inside you.

Another one is for you to look out.

Both shoes.

You know what's sad?

There are real things out there,

and you're still stuck with yourself,

you're not enjoying anything,

you're basically not moving.

When someone called and told you about things in their life that are constantly changing, about their ongoing plans and dreams that they have, and you went silent like a stone because you have nothing to talk about.

It is hard to stop them especially when you know that they really need someone to channel their excitement and their happiness to and you don't have a heart to tell them that they failed to make you feel it.

But yeah.

There's always God to talk to.

I have one.

and He is the only One.

Because this One listens. He listens hard.

Jadi begini, Tuhan...

Because I don't have a planner, that's why.

07/12 - Ayah's appointment (HBSA, JB)

17/12 - Ijat's Engagement

24/12 - Presentation : Sociolinguistics

Seminar Reading (Language Attitude)

Seminar Design (One week earlier)

25/12 - Abang's Engagement / Shazzy's Engagement

28/12 - Submission : Research Methodology;

Full Proposal

Final Assessment (Article Critic)

Additional Assessment

29/12 - Submission : Sociolinguistics

Final Assessment (Literature Review)

30/12 - Penang

31/12 - KL

1/1 - Lye's Engagement

24/1 - Anna's first daughter

27/1 - Kakak Awai's Wedding

Well, important dates are important dates.

Occasional random facts. Again.

People say they know about themselves, I beg to differ. Because we only realize about ourselves when there are occurrences of particular event or stuff happen, only then we know who we really are. I do know about my own interest, but I just realize about small details about myself when something happen, or something said to me, for example, my mum said the other day, that she's one type of person who's so stubborn, no one can object her decision about marrying my dad, I know that I'm just like her. That stubborn part of course. And many more.

Others usually hate black cats, I am actually obsessed with them.

I don't really fancy desserts, I'm all fine with main course.

You can never see me in sandals. I always opt for sneakers or pumps.

I get turn on easily with guys who just got back from work, wearing formal attire.

And those who wear black leather watch.

And those who have strong jaw.

I hate beards. All kinds of beards if there's any.

I love guys who read/write poems. I think they are hot.

Always moved by Indonesian Literature.

I'd like to have more friends who study abroad.

I am addicted to Facebook. I really have no life. Really.

I do have one regret that I really can't draw.

And dance, now. I used to be a dancer when I was a kid. A Javanese dancer. Alahai.

Yes, that's all for this time. Wait for the next sudden 'self-realization'.

Oh, I'd like to congratulate a dear friend of mine, Puan Wani and her husband, on her beautiful wedding almost a week ago. Even though I wasn't there to celebrate, I already stalked all the photos, and watched the video on her Facebook profile, and I knew it was super magical.

May Allah bless your marriage, love. May your future family reach the state of mawaddah, sakinah and warahmah. InsyaAllah amin.

Still not moving on.

I know life can be so hard at times. Especially when you have to face it all by yourself.

Admit it,

though you have more than enough people having your back,

you still have to face certain things alone.

When it comes to this part, I really hate myself, because all I could think off is how lonely I am at the moment. No matter how big or small the 'issue' related to that, you (at least I myself) still think your own hands are the best to keep your own heart in.

I don't know.

I share stuff with people. But I never let all out.

And the ones that I am keeping are basically the hardest.

And when I'm stuck with the hardest, I tend to feel

"My God, I'm all alone, no one knows how hard it is to face it alone and yada yada..."

Yeah y'all know I have issues with myself.

Its almost 2012, and I still don't know how to control my own feelings.

Stupid dum dum.

Post-related-notes :

I know everyone is getting married by next year, when I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE.

But please, stop asking me questions like when will I get a boyfriend, when is my turn to get married because you know, it won't help. And when I reply with stupid answers, don't go

"Awh, your time will come, you just have to wait patiently or you should stop being picky or you should try internet dating or bla bla..." and whatevershit, because its not funny anymore.

I don't have a choice. Please. Just stop hurting my feelings.

Non-related-notes:

I still think Beto Kusyairi is pretty damn hot with his straight face. Like gila.

Pesan untuk Khairunnisa.

Khairunnisa,

ada pesan untuk kamu sebelum aku terlupa.

Semoga dengan pesan ini, kamu ingat letak duduk kamu sebagai seorang Khairunnisa.

1. Jangan lakukan kebaikan seumpama untuk kamu lepaskan manfaat ke atas diri sendiri sahaja. Buatlah kebaikan ke jalan Allah, dan juga untuk manfaat manusia-manusia lain. Kebaikan itu tidak pernah terbatas, asal kamu tahu setiap satu nilainya.

2. Jika tiba-tiba kamu menjadi seorang pelupa dan kembali ke kamu yang dulu, maka ingatlah Tuhan sedang turunkan ujian kepada kamu untuk lihat sama ada ikhlas kamu itu benar-benar dari hati atau tidak.

3. Setiap kali dirundung malang atau ketidaksenangan, maka percayalah setiap sabar itu besar manfaatnya. Terlalu banyak yang telah dikurniakan ke atas kamu hinggakan memang tiada ruang untuk kamu memberontak meletakkan salah ke atas suatu yang lain.

4. Percaya kepada setiap takdir yang telah ditentukan untuk kamu. Setiap nafas kamu adalah takdir, setiap gerak hati kamu adalah takdir, setiap langkah kamu adalah takdir. Dari situ, bentuklah setiap takdir itu supaya menjadi sebuah kebaikan kepada diri kamu sendiri.

5. Jaga hubungan sesama manusia. Jangan nilai di atas keburukan mereka apalagi menilai niat mereka. Sesungguhnya kamu sudah pasti tidak mahu diperlakukan yang sama. InsyaAllah kamu sama-sama dapat berkongsi kebaikan yang ada dalam diri mereka.

Jangan sekali-kali zalim dengan diri sendiri, sedangkan Allah pun sayangkan kamu, lalu Dia bukakan mata. InsyaAllah, ingat tu Khairunnisa. Maka bersiap-siaplah kamu daripada sekarang.

Life : Balance, balance, balance

Try to see what you're lack of is actually better for someone else, more than for you yourself.

And then, try to see what you're lack of, is actually what you're never lack of.

If you think what I said above makes every single sense,

then I believe that I am on the right track. InsyaAllah.

But if you don't, correct me.

Thank you for being very understanding.

Entri paling panjang untuk buat mereka-mereka bosan.

Setiap apa yang kurang itu sudah mencukupi sebenarnya.

Dan setiap rasa yang kosong itu sudah memenuhi sebenarnya.

Bendalah ni yang buat aku berfikir panjang dua tiga hari ini.

Benda ni juga lah yang pernah buat hidup aku santak tak lama dulu.

Hati resah asyik meruntun segala apa yang tidak cukup.

Contohnya,

Duit takde nak beli itu ini, orang lain bergaya dengan barang mahal-mahal.

Kekasih pun takde orang keliling berkepit, aku sorang-sorang layan kehidupan sendiri.

Itulah yang selalu aku rungutkan. Betul. Siapa yang baca blog aku dari mula wujudnya, harus dah arif sangat tentang benda ini. Menggelabah gila.

Lantas itulah perkara-perkara yang aku kesali dalam hidup.

Padahal rezeki tak pernah putus, kasih sayang tak pernah tak cukup.

Bak kata orang, manusia, biasalah. Lebih bagaimanapun, mesti ada yang kurang. Hati memang tak pernah nak puas.

Tapi,

Tuhan itu kan adil. Mulanya memang susah nak nampak, tapi perlahan-lahan bila semua usaha, semua benda Tuhan mudahkan, aku terdiam sendiri.

Sikit masa dulu, Ijat pernah tegur aku, aku seorang yang liberal. Tahu setiap satu itu wujud atas nikmat Tuhan, tapi masih nak mencari logik.

Tak faham? Contohnya macam ini,

nak bayar registration fee, kena susah payah kumpul duit, risau duit tak cukup. Tiba-tiba datang durian runtuh yang tak diduga, contohnya deposit sewa rumah dulu-dulu dipulangkan lah, duit ini masuk lah, duit itu masuk lah. Tak payah usaha pun, dapat duit.

Kalau aku, aku fikir logik dulu, duit ni datang mesti ada sebab dia contohnya, sebelum fikir semua tu nikmat Tuhan. Betul. Aku tak tipu. Teruk kan? Perangai aku memang dahsyat.

Tapi, makin lama, makin aku sedar, semua kemudahan yang sampai tanpa perlu usaha itu, datangnya dari mana kalau bukan laluannya Tuhan?

Makanya Tuhan pasti menolong kalau aku percaya setiap usaha yang aku bakal kerjakan itu semua menuju ke arah Dia. Lalu aku adjust sedikit demi sedikit, tukar niat setiap usaha tu. Alhamdulillah, setiap satu usaha aku sekarang ini, semuanya dibantu Tuhan. Jangan kata usaha besar, yang kecil-kecil pun Tuhan tolong.

Macam itu hari contohnya, semua orang tahu jarak hostel aku nak ke kampus agak jauh kena naik bas, jadi dah naik bas kena turun dekat DKG (Dewan Kuliah Gugusan, ye, memang lame nama diorang) kena berjalan jauh lagi. Hari tu cuaca mendungnya minta ampun, aku risau, payung cantik tertinggal dekat rumah Ijat so memang takde payung, tapi setitik pun tak tumpah, padahal jauh berjalan ni, dan sabik sampai kelas hujan turun punyalah lebat, habis kelas, dah tak hujan. Maka senanglah kerja aku.

Ya, setengah orang cakap itu nasib baik, tapi kan nasib baik itu datang dari Allah juga.

Itu ceritanya, tetapi, yang buat aku terfikir, dulu walaupun aku tak pakai tudung, walaupun aku tak sembahyang, tapi hati aku baik (aku yakin), aku tak minum arak, aku tak berzina, tapi kenapa Tuhan tak tolong? Kenapa semuanya susah? Kenapa hati tak tenang? Kenapa orang lain biasa je?

Aku malu nak tanya, sebab memang nampak sangat bodoh kalau aku tak tahu jawapan.

Tetapi sekarang Alhamdulillah Tuhan buka jalan, sekaligus buka mata supaya aku tahu kenapa hidup yang dulu senang tapi hati tak tenang berbanding hari ini, senang atau susah, hati insyaAllah tenang.

Aku tetap bersyukur walaupun bakalan ada orang yang meragui adakah jalan yang dibuka untuk aku itu boleh dikira atau tidak. Lagi-lagi bab tutup aurat ni.

Kalau nak kira sepuluh kali dah aku pakai buka tudung. Dulu aku pakai tudung, lepastu buka, lepastu pakai sekali lagi, lepas itu buka lagi. Jadi aku malu nak pakai tudung lagi, sampai aku cakap,

"Nak pakai tudung lepas kahwin je!"

(Ayahku, maafkan anakmu sebab ada niat yang tidak adil untuk ayahku, sebab anakmu biarkan ayahku tanggung dosa anakmu, tetapi anakmu ini mahu menyimpan dosa itu dari ditanggung sang suami.)

Melampau.

Tetapi sampai masa, aku rasa memang sengaja Tuhan tunjuk. Mula dengan kepergian Ijat ke Makkah. Balik dari umrah, beliau tukar 100%. Alhamdulillah. Perlahan-lahan aku dah terasa sendiri. Kemudian seorang demi seorang pergi ke Makkah dan pulang dengan wajah baru.

Timbul pula niat, "Aku nak pergi Makkah, mesti dekat sana dapat hidayah."

Namun kita kan manusia, mana boleh bohong hati. Hati jadi sayu bila baca kisah penghijrahan orang. Jadi aku kuatkan hati, satu hari, sarung tudung terus, dan Alhamdulillah lekat hingga hari ini.

Aku simpulkan bahawa Tuhan buka jalan melalui orang-orang sekeliling, dan aku tak mahu sombong untuk terus menidakkan hidayah itu. Mungkin bukan bagi orang lain, tetapi sekali lagi, urusan antara kau dengan Tuhan, kau saja yang tahu rasanya bagaimana.

Masih terlalu awal untuk katakan yang aku akan terus berhijab sampai habis nafas. Sebab perkara-perkara ini sudah jadi sebelum ini. Yakin berhijab, tetapi sudahnya aku buka.

Tapi kali ini, lain sungguh rasanya. Susah aku nak cakap. Sebab bukan rasa nak pakai hijab saja yang ada. Banyak yang lain juga. Solat dah pasti salah satu. Kalau dulu, punyalah susah nak bersolat. Asyik salahkan syaitan yang bergayut, nama nak buat, memang tak ada, tapi Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah Ya Allah, senangnya jalan, senangnya hati Tuhan buka untuk ambil wudhu', sarung telekung dan mula sujud padaNya. InsyaAllah, semoga Tuhan bimbing aku dari tergelincir dari landasan yang sepatutnya. Dan kamu kamu juga. Bersama-samalah kita.

Oh ya, dan semoga setiap satu yang kita kerjakan, jadikan tujuan utamanya adalah untuk Tuhan. InsyaAllah barakah itu ada di mana-mana.

Okay, dah cukup panjang.

Niat aku bukan nak berdakwah, jauh sekali memandai-mandai membetulkan salah orang sedangkan aku sendiri pun bersepah. Niat aku cuma mahu kita sama-sama fikirkan, perasaan yang kita ini sebenarnya dimiliki Tuhan itu memang dah ada, cuma kena cari saja. Aku masih lagi berlari-lari mencari, aku harap ada yang sudi berlari sama. InsyaAllah tidak akan rugi apa-apa.

Jangan salah anggap aku sudah jadi perempuan alim tak tentu hala. Aku masih banyak khilaf. Aku masih Syafa yang sama, yang masih lagi gelak kuat-kuat, mencarut pun boleh tahan, rokok pun masih payah nak berhenti, tak lancar mengaji Al-Quran, belum khatam cara menutup aurat yang sebetulnya, dan sebagainya.

Aku masih belajar. Jadi kalau ada salah dimana-mana, aku mungkin sedar, mungkin tidak sedar, maka tolong betulkan.

Sekali lagi, mungkin kebelakangan ini, semuanya berbaur dakwah, percayalah, aku bukan nak memandai-mandai, sekadar beritahu apa yang aku rasa.

Wallahualam.

Rindu semua kawan-kawan di dunia.

Biarlah kawan kau dalam dunia ini boleh dikira dengan jari saja jumlahnya, sebab yang boleh dikira dengan jari itu lah yang nampak semua istimewanya diri kau.

Bagi aku, sahabat sejati adalah sahabat yang mengambil semua baik rakannya, dan menerima serta cuba mengubah buruknya.

Namun ada juga jenis yang nampak sekali buruknya, yang baiknya ditolak juga. Memang ada, tidak aku nafikan, mungkin untuk menjaga diri sendiri, takut terpengaruh atau sebagainya.

Tetapi, jangan lah dipandang hina mereka yang buruk itu, kerana tidaklah bermakna memandang hina suatu keburukan itu akan menambah tingkat kebaikan kita.

Betul ke tidak?

Aku bercakap dari pengalaman, sebab aku dah jumpa bermacam jenis kawan. Tidak, jangan kira ikhlas orang berkawan dengan kita, bukan maksud aku macam itu, tetapi ada satu-satu masa kau mesti boleh lihat mana arah tuju persahabatan kau. Dan mana yang diredhai Tuhan, maka yang itulah yang kekal.

Banyaknya kegagalan persahabatan itu datang dari aku juga. Jangan ada yang melenting cakap aku menuduh tak tentu hala pula.

Jadi, titik pendapat aku di sini, apabila berkawan, kau kena bijak untuk lihat mana satu nilai persahabatan kau dengan kawan kau, yang mana elok kau simpan, yang mana tak elok, perlahan-lahan kau bantu ubah. Tetapi beri masa. Jangan kau paksa. Sebab kita semuanya tak sama.

Aku ada ramai kawan yang bersepah perangainya, tetapi aku simpan juga kerana aku tahu nilai baiknya tetap ada.

Dan aku juga ada ramai kawan yang menyimpan aku atas dasar yang sama.

Jadi begitulah, jangan buang kawan-kawan yang kau lihat sikit buruknya, terus kau tolak ketepi. Tapi jangan lupa juga pesan Puan Shikin, "Berkawan jangan sampai dipijak kepala. Kan bodoh kalau merugikan diri sendiri?"

Oh ya, beri dulu, baru minta.

Berbual dengan dua orang manusia sebentar tadi buat aku fikir satu benda.

Dekat mana lagi nak mintak tolong kalau bukan dekat Allah. Kata lah kita berdikari berpijak atas kaki sendiri macamana pun. Bila diri susah, hati tak tetap letak tenangnya, memang tak ada pendengar yang sudi mendengar selain Tuhan kita.

Bukan aku nak pesongkan fikiran sesiapa, tapi aku contohnya, satu masa dulu (dan mungkin masih lagi sekarang ini) bukanlah tergolong dalam kumpulan manusia yang takut berbuat dosa, malah pernah satu masa aku bangga. Jadi ada cara apa lain lagi, selain dari berbuat dosa dan paksa diri nilai balik apa dosa itu berbaloi untuk aku buat sekali lagi, atau lebih baik patah balik ke awal jalan?

Aku pilih yang kedua, semoga Tuhan terima apa yang aku unjukkan, dan tetapkan hati dalam pilihan yang aku lakukan.

Nah, itu aku. Aku tak sarankan pada siapa-siapa.

Tetapi bila satu kali jatuh, kau diam. Dua kali jatuh, kau bangkit senyum semula seperti tak ada apa-apa. Tiga kali jatuh, kau mula salahkan semua di depan mata.

Nama nak tanya Yang Di Atas Sana, tak ada.

Tak boleh macam itu, manusia. Memang tak akan datang selonggok keuntungan/kegembiraan/kejayaan depan mata kau begitu saja, memang tak akan ada.

Tuhan itu adil, Dia beri, untuk lihat berapa banyak yang kau sudi pulang balik. Dia ambil, untuk lihat berapa banyak ukuran redha kau atas setiap satu susah, setiap satu hampa, setiap satu kecewa.

Memang susah nak cakap, hati kita tak sama. Aku tak boleh kongsi tenang aku atas tikar sejadah yang aku hanya kenal baru-baru ni. Aku tak boleh kongsi rasa bahagia aku bila mak bapak aku sujud syukur selepas tunggu 24 tahun baru aku nak terhegeh-hegeh buat semua.

Tapi kau patut boleh rasa, bila setiap bahagia yang Tuhan nikmatkan dekat kau itu, walaupun sekejap, ada maknanya. Ada maksudnya. Dan kau juga boleh rasa, atas susah yang Tuhan cuitkan pada kau itu, banyak kegunaannya esok lusa.

Apa yang aku nak cakap sebenarnya, adalah belajar meminta. Dan jangan meminta saja, cuba beri sama. Tuhan tak pernah dan tak akan lokek, walaupun sedikit yang kau bagi balik, Dia kata, "tak apa, tak ada masalah, Aku beri lebih."

Contoh? Senang saja, nafas yang kau hirup setiap saat itu kira nikmat besar dari Dia. Nafas yang kau hirup tak payah dibantu dengan apa-apa bantuan. Kalau nak kira, eh memang tak terkira, berapa ramai yang kalau nak bernafas sampai meminta tolong? Ramai.

Jadi itulah. Bukan niat aku nak mengajar. Aku sendiri tak tersusun lagi langkah. Tapi itu perkara paling asas sekali yang perlu kita semat dekat dada. Masakan kita boleh percaya benda yang lain kalau kenyataan yang satu ini pun susah kita nak terima? Kan?

Satu lagi,

jangan cakap kita dah puas berdoa, tapi Tuhan belum kurniakan. Tuhan dah kurniakan setiap satunya, cuma kita yang belum jumpa.

1 Syawal

"Selamat Hari Raya Anak, Ibu halalkan makan minum, Ibu maafkan semua salah silap. Biar kekal macam gini sampai bila-bila, Ibu senang hati bila tengok Anak yang sekarang."

Speechless.

Because 'senang hati' are the strangest words,

when it comes to anything about me.

I'm gonna cry in my sleep, because this is the best Syawal ever.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir & Batin.

Ramadhan, come again next year. InsyaAllah.

Bismillahirahmanirahim.

Terima kasih Tuhan,

Kau ketuk pintu hati untuk aku terus berlari mencariMu,

Kau beri tenang damai dalam hidup setiap nafasku,

Kau hadiahkan kesenangan dalam setiap urusanku,

Kau halakan jiwaku ke arah cahayaMu,

Kau buka mataku untuk cari setiap jahilku.

Terima kasih Tuhan,

Kau kurniakan kesihatan dan sejahtera kepada kedua ibubapaku,

Kau serikan hati mereka dengan setiap syukur buatMu,

Kau tetapkan kesabaran pada mereka untuk terus mencari nikmatMu,

Kau utuhkan kasih sayang mereka terhadapMu.

Terima kasih Tuhan,

sesungguh aku manusia yang hina, langsung tiada malu untuk meminta kepadaMu, namun tiada apa lain yang kuharapkan selain daripada keberkatan hidup dariMu, sesungguhnya lengkapkanlah agamaku sebelum aku menemuiMu, turunkanlah ujian yang bersepadan denganku, dan letakkanlah aku di dalam keadaan yang mencari redhaMu.

Semoga rasa syukur ini tetap mengalir tidak berhenti Ya Allah.

Amin.

No title, this time.

1. Its already the 20th day of Ramadhan, look at how fast time flies, I can't get enough of it seriously, to perform it with family after 6,7 years spending it with friends, is bliss. You know, the feeling of reciting prayer before you eat, and the laugh at the table, and things like that, yes, I did the same with friends, but, you know, the feelings are different.

2. So there are 15 or 16 days left, before my depart (Poyo macam nak pergi overseas, aku memang poyo.) So yes, gonna spend the whole time with family basically, and knowing that I'll be so far from home, got the feeling already. And gonna spend every night with some friends on Skype, because it is fun fun fun.

3. I have bought almost all needs, just couple of things left. I am 90% prepared, materially, just gotta check on some books that I have because basically, I'll be studying almost all subjects that I've learned during my degree, that is awesome, except that I have to take Phonetics & Phonology and Semantics which I kinda dislike.

4. This is the first time of Raya, I'll be wearing pants instead of normal Baju Kurung. I am gedik like that.

5. Love life, still hopeless. I wish I could stop it from lingering around my thoughts, but man, I am lonely for the love of God. I want to be a nerd who has a boyfriend. Haih

6. Sometimes, looking at certain things would make you go like, "Ahh, it feels like yesterday." But seriously, I hate it to the core. I am not a type of person who likes to remember my past. It makes me don't want to move forward, instead making me feel like I should go back to those times, know what I mean? Then how to move forward?

7. My study loan has already been approved , Alhamdulillah. I'd love to believe that God has his own ways to give rezeki to us. And I'd love to believe, being able to go through things easily is one of that.

8. I am in love with Noe Letto, because of his words, in all of their songs' lyrics. Like this one,

"Oh, bukanlah cantikmu yang ku cari

Bukanlah itu yang aku nanti
Tetapi ketulusan hati yang abadi
Ku tahu mawar tak seindah dirimu
Awan tak seteduh tatapanmu tetapi
Ku tahu yang ku tunggu hanyalah senyummu."

Like super sweet.

9. Certain things are all pulling off their way from me. I can feel that.