Hectic, freaking hectic.

There are so many things to tell, but I don't have time to do so.

Reasons:

Busy not sleeping until early in the morning.

Busy running errands to buy stuff for Family Day.

Busy being job-less, I have, no, must be a punk at least once a year.

Busy travelling to many places in Malaysia.

Busy forgetting life. Life, before.

Busy taking care of my kid brother.

Busy handling emotions, I can't stand not feeling anything, at all.

But most of all,

Busy doing nothing

But sure, I'll get back to you later, Mr I Know Everything About You, Syapa, slash blog.

And dear friends, that is why I don't do random friendships on Facebook.

Seriously, is there any decent guy left?

“Bitch, I am old and mature enough to talk about sex. Not that I like to talk about sex, I can talk about sex I am fucking 23 you dumb whore. It’s just I don’t want to, especially with a random guy like you. Don’t think I am old-fashioned if I think sex should be in the second, third or fourth place.

I think sex is good, sex is something we human being need in our life. Sex can be romantic, or kinky it depends on how we want it to be. Sex can be meaningful, as well as meaningless it depends on the purpose for you to have it in the first place.

But dude, I still believe in my religion. Please. You talked like you’re some sort of person who doesn’t believe God exists. Come on. So what if I don’t want sex to happen before I get married? Is it considered unethical or something? Just because you look at me as if I am the greatest bitch in my era, you see me as one cheap slut you can like drag me to a corner and nail me like a motherfucker?

And I still cannot believe, of all girls, me, with flat boobs and tons of fat? You must be really desperate.

But yes, it’s not saying of mine that you can do that to other girls. That’s not cool. Sex before marriage is not cool, for fuck sake, neither dirty talking to a stranger.

Try masturbation, I heard it’s good.

At least until you found the right one to put a ring on her finger. Lame, I know, but somehow, losing your virginity before you get married, it’s not something you should be proud of.”

Talking scumbag’s loss of self-respect.

I once called you one of them.

S,

You know that stalking is not good. There are always surprises and sometimes, those surprises are too great you can’t even handle it.

You saw something from somewhere, and it made you reminisce all good times you had with people from your past. It’s a lie if you say you don’t miss those good times. But it’s also a lie if you say things that occurred along the way didn’t give you any impact. It is totally a lie.

Should you know; people expect a little something from you, even if you’re not that important to them. They expect you to be what they want you to be. If you believe they’re being ridiculous for expecting things that they themselves cannot give to you, just walk away.

Back to the topic, what would you do if people no longer need you? What will happen when people push you away and you don’t bounce back?

S,

Although you survived, looking at your cruel past, how long would it take to bring you down, again? You’re fragile. Please be able to identify which one of them would stay, and which one would bail out in the middle of the walk.

1432

"Langsung tiada tercatat nawaitu ku untuk mempersoalkan caraMu, suka ragaku, murkanya ZatMu." - OAG

Manusia penuh dengan khilaf, itu aku. Penuh khilaf hingga tak terbilang dengan jari-jemari, bahkan seluruh bintang di langit jauh sedikitpun tak terbanding. Jauh terpesong, lari jauh dari lorong yang patutnya aku berlari mengikut arus.

Tapi aku kira telah Kau ketahui ini, telah sedia Kau maklum bahawa masih wujud Kau dalam hati ini, masih belum ada suatu hari pun buat aku lupa bertuhankanMu, walau sombongnya aku seringkali menolak sujud. Belum ada suatu detik pun terlintas dalam hati untuk berpaling dariMu, walau segala janji yang dibuat sejak belum lagi roh bertemu jasad telah aku langgar beribu kali. Kiranya jika Kau buka sekali lagi hati, supaya mampu aku berpatah kembali, supaya terbit rasa bangga menjadi hambaMu lantas memfitrah segala tanggungjawab, menzahir segala kewajipan hanya untukMu.

Sesungguhnya aku merayu.

Aku harapkan dengan seraut wajah dan dua telapak tangan melekat di lantai bumi semoga tahun baru ini tiba dengan segala rahmat, supaya mampu aku dekatkan diri denganMu. InsyaAllah.

Just live and laugh, will you?

Hello again, S.

Luckily you're over that phase.

Luckily you no longer involved in that.

Luckily you're smart enough you just shut the fuck up.

Because from what I see right now, some disputes, would never end. They're too difficult and too complicated people just cannot find the right way to solve them.

I believe you believe that people defend themselves when other people hurt them. They defend themselves when they believe they're on the right side. Nevertheless, we are actually faking ourselves, just to win over some games.

You and I know that.

I don't want to say more on this, because you yourselves did this, and lots of people did the same, too.

We are politicians in our heart. Let's face it.

The Chillest.

Today, you went to recording with one of your colleagues; let’s name him Mr Copy Machine. You had to tag along with him because you didn’t know where the place is.

Noted that you fancy him since the day you saw him. He is super small people at the office called him Justin Bieber. He has nice haircut, pairs of nice shoes and he even wears Spongebob t-shirt to the office. Nothing much, but you just fancy his style.

So today you’re actually in a car with him, riding to Bangsar. It was awkward at first, because you guys don’t talk too much before, just couple of times, like when he randomly sat next to you, with his hands holding his phone, and went “I wonder why people don’t answer their phone these days.”

You like the way he speak, he doesn’t speak, he slurs. You told me you feel like munching his mouth. Slutty you are. He’s like whispering you have to ask for pardon you’re like “Sorry?” “Come again” for so many times, but he continued slurring you found it fascinating and amusing.

So okay, you chatted a bit, about work, where you both stay, which college you’re from and yada yada.

Later came the best part, he asked “What kind of music do you hear?”

I can’t believe he asked you that!

Do answer me, when was the last time you chat with people about music you like? I know, like two thousand years ago. It’s one of your favourite things to talk about, I must say, I’ve known you for so long.

I mean like, music one time, has changed your life. How your favourite bands mostly play the music that represents your life. How you used to use songs to tell people how you feel. How music has got you a boyfriend back then and stuff like that.

And today, you did that again with this guy. To the coolest! You even suggested few bands that suit with his taste. And he even let you pick the songs in his phone to be played in his car mp3 player. Sweet like that!

He has brightened your day. You fancy him even more even though he doesn’t like your favourite band.

I just made this post looks like you’re falling for him, right? No, you’re not, I know that. He’s just an eye candy, right? My bad, my bad.

Glow the bowl in the dark.

I forgot to tell about you this, Syafa.

Last few nights you went to this sort of bowling tournament, because your company has won The Agency of The Year.

Okay, you suck at bowling. You really do.

The first throw,

your boss joked, "One pin, Syafa? That's the hardest part of it, that's the hardest part!"

And fortunately they played it in the dark because Mid Valley got glow-in-the-dark bowling center so they didn't see you're blushing all the time because you really can't play.

That night was such a laugh, and you managed to go strike two times they all went jaw-dropped and there were lots of high fives.

You're so sad because December is going to be your last month, because I bet they won't prolong the contract, and I saw lots of people joining in, as well as lots of people finished their contract already. So I assumed you are going to end it as well.

But it's okay. Six months of rocking the experience is going to teach you a lot. You'll think about this someday, being underpaid for the whole six months can't beat the bright future that awaits.

Bring together the knowledge that you've gained. It's not gonna be wasted.

Well, yeah.

From now on, this blog is going to be a communication between present me and future me. Because basically this blog is now a secret, I mean the content of it only some people know. Or who knows, I might get into accident and might have lost my memory after that. Or maybe, that's not what is going to happen, maybe one day I woke up and suddenly I couldn't remember anything.

But of course I need someone to tell me about this that time.

Ignorance is bliss. I second that.

I am super busy all I can write is about work, right now. I was chatting with one new intern just now at the office. I asked her "Do you have a boyfriend?". With poker face she said, "No." So she asked me back with the same question. So I replied with my hand up in the air, "Give me high five."

I am super busy, I didn't realize my heart is empty. I used to be a dreamer and a hoper. But now, December the Second, I am no longer that. Dreams and hopes burden me. I should be real and accept the fact rather than dreaming about Mr Right, I should be thinking about anything else that doesn't involve feelings. Surprisingly, I am happy like this, not really happy I must say, but I am content.

I once said that all I need is companionship, not a real relationship, just a companion, who set his place above the friendship line. But I don't think I need it now. I don't even need a new normal friend, all I have now is enough.

So,

Dear Mr Future,

I know that you're running as fast as you could to get to me. But the thing is, I don't want to screw anything up. I can't afford to screw anything up. So just in case in the middle of your run, you meet someone else, just stop and see whether she's worth a place in your heart. Because I am not sure whether there is actually something I could offer to you.

So, yeah. Maybe you can start slowing down your pace. Or maybe you want to change your direction?

Yours sincerely,

Syafa.