I need a real slap.

I just had a conversation with Jijo one hour ago before she let her first cute snore out.


She said she realized that I've become so passive nowadays, I am not like I was before. She said I no longer hang out with people, I don't make friends, I don't communicate much, I prefer being alone, I am less bubbly, happy, friendly, and so on.

And then, she asked me why.

Well, that snapped my arse out of me. I've changed so much. Not that I have matured, no.

I admit that I kind of distant myself from people around. I stop seeing people, I refuse to go out, I don't really have social life. Other than my close friends and my cousins, I only communicate with people on social networking sites, not in the real world. I'd become so awkward if I see someone I know walking in front of me to the extent I'm going to quickly take out my phone and pretend that I'm on something. I just don't know why.

Perhaps, when I see people around me starting to have other commitments, I kinda back myself off. Not that I'm not okay with that, it is fine, in fact, it is good to move on from certain phase of your life to another but I guess I'm having difficulties trying to adjust myself a little bit in this overwhelming stage.

People have their own life, I have mine too, so I'm trying be part of people's life with suitable 'amount' of involvement, so I don't become a nuisance or burden. I guess that's it.

Or maybe, maybe, the fact that I am afraid people will hurt me contributes a lot to this problem. I'm afraid of expectations, a little bit of commitments, and unpromising certainty.

I know its not healthy to just keep everything to myself and not wanting to open up a space for other people, but I just no longer know how to. And what makes it worse is, my brain and my heart told me, "Don't go back to the old me, the happy, friendly you. Just stay like this."

This is childish, and I'm almost 26. This is hell.