Day 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

So I choose to write to the person who caused me a lot of pain instead of the person I hate the most. I no longer hate this particular person, I mean I used to hate this person because of what had happened, but now we've came clean and all is fine. But still, when we talk about pain, we do know that the scar of it stays. So yes, here are some words for this person.

Dear You,

It was so hard back then, not having you near me.

I remember that I used to cry if I can't see you even in one day.

Let alone to let you go for our own good.

But, looking back at those memories, I believe there are reasons why God didn't want us to stay as super best friends.

However, I do wish that your relationship will last forever.

The only thing that I want you to know, I did love you with all my heart back then, I just never thought you'd choose him over me.

And to prove that bastard was wrong, look at me, I'm still single after 5 years.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Serius ni.

I don't think asking people straight questions like "Eh kau dah pakai tudung ke sekarang?" is really appropriate.

The problem with us people is, we tend to put so much concern on other people's business we need to ask what we've already seen by our own eyes.

If you see a lady wearing hijab, you don't have to ask if she's wearing hijab, because that is pathetically useless.

You just have to assume she's directing herself to a better path, and pray for her best.

I am sorry, but I'm a type of person who gets offended easily, so this thing gets me irritated with just one simple question. Because this is kinda overwhelming. You know, being asked with such questions makes me feel like I need to give people confirmation about me wearing one. And I don't want that.

You know me with my hijab wearing cycle, right? I kinda have this free-hair, covered hair cycle. So that kind of questions bugs me to the core. So if you knew me well enough, you won't be asking the question. Because if you do so, you're actually punishing me, psychologically.

I actually don't know until when will this last. I really hope that it's going to be until my last breath. I need to push myself, because I just realized that there's no such things like "Why should I wear it when I'm not sincere enough about wearing it?" because after all, its my responsibility to do so. Leave your sincerity to Allah, because only He can judge that. I'm no saint or even preacher, but if you think deeper, you'll get what I mean.

Plus, I no longer crying for attention, I don't want people to see me. So I just need to be very invisible.

And it's not like when I'm wearing one, means that I've changed, personality wise. I may need to adjust certain things like you know what, but I'm still the same person. I won't change, as long as you have faith in me.

This is no issue at all for all of you, but it really is for me.

My heart is fragile, I don't want this to affect any of my decisions, as well as it might affect the way I communicate with other people.

Please.

Just don't ask. Because words now, have a capability to kill me.

I couldn't afford to be a perfect 24 yet, anyways.

No mood to write another summer letter, but I feel like writing, so yes, here are some unnecessary things I'm gonna talk about.

1. Still in shock due to Amy Winehouse's death few days ago. Truth is, I cried a little bit. I don't know, of all celebrities, I love her the most. And the fact that we're not gonna listen to her new songs frustrates me so much. She's one in a million.

2. Went to Comadre/Fuji tour in Batu Pahat last two days after years of leaving gigs behind. I went there alone, I met Khrl there but he was busy lepaking with his friends, so practically I was there by myself, which made it more awesome. Probably the best thing happened to me in this year. Awesome, awesome shit.

3. Still haven't received UUM acceptance letter even though I already knew that I've got in. This is very depressing. It makes me feel like I'm on the edge, realizing there would always be a simple error when it comes to management stuff.

4. Ramadhan will arrive in a few days, really can't wait. I feel more blessed and calm. Really hope I can perform well this time around.

5. The act of less talking to people you rarely know is giving me the best lesson ever, because when I don't talk, they will start talking. When they start talking, I will learn something, either to continue getting to know them, or just walk away after the conversation ends.

6. It's almost reaching the third quarter of 2011, I now pronounced that I don't want 2011 to stay in my memory, except for that Comadre awesome fun I had. I was supposed to buy a car for myself earlier this year, but sometimes , a plan just stays a plan only.

7. Ayam Jantan has got himself a new girlfriend, named Syafawani. Bloody ironic, isn't it? Its always like that. Irony is like a curse to me. Since then, I swear to God not to be the first one to fall in love. Let the other party do that job, regardless when will that happen, anyways. This goes to that crush shit thingy, too.

8. I need to fix my sleeping cycle, which is the most difficult thing to do right now. As well as because I need to drive to KL four hours from now.

Life is getting easier, right? I know that.

Astaga, kok keterlaluan?

Here's a funny story.

I haven't cried for months. I wonder why did that happen. I kept asking myself and my friends why didn't I cry.

Man, I cry while watching sad movies, I cry whenever I reminisce old good times especially the ones with deceased persons, and I simply cry whenever I saw violence, and some others simple things.

I do admit that I have a fragile heart, I cry sometimes in my sleep. Pathetic, I know.

But these past few months, I haven't shed even a single tear. I don't know why. So the thought of I am getting better in handling emotions and such came into my mind, which leads to the belief that I am getting stronger and bla bla bla. And you know, what else could appear in my heart that time other than riak.

I'm a jerk. You should know that.

Until few weeks back.

I lost my purse in KL, and practically my whole life. I had everything in that purse, cash, IDs, licence, both of my IIUM's matric cards, ATM cards, important notes, and even a check I just collected few days before that.

AND I CRIED LIKE A FREAKING BABY.

Terrific.

All settled already, I paid RM242 for IDs, ATM cards, and licence replacement. That's the price of my own carelessness.

What I want to say here is, God does know what's inside your heart. All He did was give you a little test, to make you realize who you really are.

Being humble in front of everyone else is damn easy, try to be humble to yourself, it is tougher than anything you know. Seriously.

Lesson learned.

Day 11 - A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To

Dear Atuk,

I miss you so much. She misses you so much.

I miss eating nasik lemak with you, I miss your old sweater, I miss learning English with you, and I miss sitting next to you and talk about life.

Atuk,

Nenek came to visit me in my dreams last few weeks. Why didn't you come, Atuk? She didn't say anything, of course, but she seemed like wanting to give me something.

Atuk,

I really miss it when you always have something to say that's gonna soothe my heart. Because you know the words that I'm looking for. You know which words that can stop my heart and move my brain.

Keep living in my heart, Atuk.

I really hope that you come and visit me sometimes.

I really hope to see you this Ramadhan and Syawal. InsyaAllah

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to

Dear ________ (I don't know which name should I put because there are so many of you) .

The are so many reasons why we know each other but we don't talk as much as we're supposed to. Mainly because I worship you. But others are;

1. I can't even get words out of my mouth because you're so cool, and I adore you. And I don't know how to approach someone that I idolize the most. There are numbers of these people.

2. I don't really know how to debate, because you are knowledgeable, and are full of powerful words, I might have no reply for each of that.

3. I am not that friendly with awesome people. I admit this. I am egoistic, I do want to talk to you, but I won't talk to you. Particularly because I envy you.

I know you won't come to me, but it is much more comfortable for me to stay low, I always go below the line, by not saying anything to you. You won't read this either, but I really hope for you to know, not talking to you doesn't mean that I hate you, I just don't talk much with people I respect. :)

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 9 - Someone you wish you could meet

Dear Summayah Binti Khayyath,

I know that it is beyond probability to meet you here in this life, or even in afterlife.

But I want to have your iman, I want to have your bravery, I want to have your patience, I want to have everything you've had in you. And I want to be as lucky as you were, you had faith that as high as the 7th sky, nobility that rarely possessed by other women, including me.

The loyalty you've had in you, towards God, towards your religion, and towards your family was unbreakable. The loyalty that nothing could have beaten, until your last breath.

I wish I could meet you, for I have only one question to ask,

"How sweet would it taste after every suffering you've faced, as you knew the return for it is Jannah?"

Because that's the feeling I am still searching for.

Al Fatihah.

Your syahid puts you in a place where no one else could replace.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Huru Hara Ayam

Okay penulisan surat-surat jiwang akan disambung selepas selesai bab-bab buat IC baru, lesen memandu baru, kad bank baru, dan sebagainya.

Hidup tuan punya blog sumpah huru hara buat masa ini.

Juga aktiviti mengeblog akan disambung selepas beberapa gambar di dalam blog telah dibuang, atas permintaan tuan punya blog.

Day 8 - Your Favorite Internet Friend

Dear My Favorite Internet Friend, Mr Jamy Firdhaus,

It was 2005. It was during my matriculation time. It was thru Myspace.

Since then, you're my favorite internet friend.

Why? Because you're the only friend that I haven't had a face to face conversation even though we've been friends for almost 6 years. I mean I saw you at Rock The World 2007 if I'm not mistaken, but we didn't say hi. We never make any initiative to meet up or something and I don't know why is that happening either.

I don't have the real reason why I love being your friend. But I believe this is another definition of friends. Holding on to a friend you know you're not gonna see him/her but you do realize he/she is worth to hold on to. We're not that close any longer, I don't know about you, but I do enjoy being your friend, and I still want to be your friend.

Whatever it is, you'll remain the most interesting internet friend I've ever had. God bless.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 7 - Your Ex-boyfriend

Dear The Only Mr Ex,

I have nothing left to say to you, for everything you've snatched from me.

The whole world knows how much I hate you.

Godspeed.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 6 - A Stranger

Dear Stranger,

I do admit that I'm a kind of snobbish. I don't smile at you, I don't even show any interest in getting to know you, let alone to be the first one to say hi.

That's who I am. Maybe that's a reason why my friends see that as my bad quality, and straightaway calling me choosy.

I don't have enough argument to rebut their saying, I am choosy, only when I see us being friends doesn't really work in the future. You know, I don't do bimbos and I don't do tools, but who does? The thing is, I only need you to know, it's not that I put requirement or standard for someone to be my friend, it's just I look for someone who can accept me for the way I am. Everyone knows that I'm a bit weird.

I can be a very quiet person, to a very loud person.

I can be a very modest-talking woman, to a very sarcastic woman.

I am a smartass.

And not all can accept that.

So yeah, being paranoid as I am, I don't want to have even a scratch on people's impressions towards myself. I am not a perfectionist but who likes being judged anyway?

And that is my excuse. I know it's lame but it's the truth.

But I do believe in the theory of friends are made from strangers. All of my friends were strangers to me at first, until we said hi. That's when I knew we'll get along very well.

And I hope we'll get along very well, too.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 5 - Your Dreams.

Okay now I don't really have the idea of which dreams I am gonna talk about. Should it be in general, or should I specify which one?

I guess I'll do it in whatever way.

Dear dreams,

I don't think I am going to achieve you whenever soon. It's still a long way to go. Even, I myself am not sure whether I have pictured you clear enough. I mean what should I chase first and what comes after that and so on.

Seeing other people leading their life just exactly how they wanted it to be, scares me to death. I am scared, if we're not gonna meet at all.

But one saying has stopped me from thinking that we're drifting apart. It's from my mom. She said something like this,

"In your life, pace is not really a measurement of how successful you are. Because fate doesn't count how fast you could complete your own life, it counts on how you make it to life."

Brilliant, isn't it?

So, no matter how hard it is to reach to you, just be there, because one day, we're celebrating the joy of me getting to you, together.

Oh, p/s: One of my dreams is to perform umrah with my family, that one, please make it come faster. Next year, perhaps? Please?

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 4 - Your Sibling

Munsawar Hapijis Musmin

Dear Munawar Hafizie Mukmin,

You are one hell awesome brother, we are so closed no one can separate us. We do fight and scream at each other's face, annoy each other whenever we can, but 2 second after that, I will hug you and kiss your cheek and babytalk to you.

That really sounds disgusting, but I don't care.

You'll always repeat the story of how I carried you to the edge of the stairs, when you're few days old and I was 3 years old. You said that I actually tried to kill you. But baby, trust me, your life is like a gold to me. Precious. I'll make sure I'm gonna see you make yourself to it. I'll make sure Ibu and Ayah are gonna see you living this life to the fullest.

You are the awesomest person on earth, I do worship your loyalty to our parents, I do worship your patience towards how irritating I am. Those are the most challenging things that I don't think I can do.

I don't mind not having enough love for myself because I am giving all to you. You are my kid brother, I love you so much, no matter how annoying you are, no matter how bersepah your teeth are, no matter how biadap you are sometimes, calling me Gemok, nonetheless, I love you to bits.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 3 - Your Parents

Dear Ibu and Ayah,

This letter is going to be really short, because no word can describe how grateful I am to be your daughter. You'll always stay be my king and queen.

You two have the greatest love of all, not even Romeo and Juliet can beat your love. I hope I can find someone that at least possesses one of qualities that you both have.

You give me air to breath, food to eat, shelter to keep living, and hope so I still can have a faith in myself. And you share your love with me. That's the important thing, after all. If not, I won't be as big as I am today. Literally and figuratively.

I remember when I was little, I used to be closer to Ayah compared to Ibu. I woke up in the morning looking for Ayah, I waited at the door at lunch time waiting for Ayah, I fell sick whenever Ayah went outstation.

When I grew up, I became more closer to Ibu compared to Ayah. Maybe because we share the same gender, Ibu bought my first bra, and she's the first person I told that I had a crush.

And that's how lucky I am, both of you are so close to me. I can talk almost everything to both of you without being judged.

I couldn't find one single person that can replace you. Ever.

And I pray that we can still be with each other when we're about to reach the heaven.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 2 - Your Crush

Dear Mr Crush,

You are my biggest crush for my entire life. You'll always be.

I was so into you, no one else except you. It was you that I wanted. I saw everything in you, I thought you're perfect, and I believe you still are.

I remember why I wanted you so bad, not so long ago, because I can picture you being my parents' favorite. I was so selfish back then, I know. I want you because of me, not you. But you do have something that I've been searching in men for quite long time.

But I didn't make it. At all. Just like what I've thought, earlier than that.

We had nothing, however. Not even a fling. But from my side, it was enough to make me realize to stop chasing things that I don't deserve. It was also enough to stop me from telling people that I like them, for I thought confessing was the brilliant idea. It wasn't.

I've moved on, nonetheless. It was frustrating at first, but now I really have moved on. It was really bittersweet, knowing I was a little too late, or maybe there's not even a small space in your heart for me, or maybe I was mistakenly falling for the wrong guy. It was between those. But yeah, you'll stay be my biggest crush on earth.

After all, I am fine. There's nothing relieving than to know that you're with someone else, someone better, someone you believe you want to spend the rest of your life with. I hope you're happy, you're fine, my prayer will always be with you.

I really wish you well. Both of you.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 1 - Your Best Friends

Dear Best Friends,

There are numbers of you, and each of you have your own unique reasons to be the person I worship other than my family. It always started with "I hate your guts to the core", but we ended up being best friends. It's always like that. Not all people can't stand me because of my attitude, but with you, it has become the least priority in our friendship. I thank you for that.

Most of you have been my best friends for the longest time of my life, and I treasure every second of it. You're there whenever I need a shoulder to cry own, you're there to be another wing to support when one of mine is broken, you're there whenever I am not good with my own self.

Some of you and me might have love-hate relationship, but I do believe that is what makes us grow stronger. I might have hurt your feelings, and you might have done the same, but the reason why we're still holding on is because we have faith in each other, and that counts to the bit.

I always pray that we'll remain best friends forever. The oath that you took to be my best friend through thick and thin is something that I won't trade.

I love you all.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

30 days of summer lah sangat kan.

I found this on someone's blog, and interested in doing this, so starting from today, I'm gonna write a letter each day, to the person listed on the list. Oh, except for Day 23 - The last person you kissed, because it is gross. If let's say we're talking about pop kiss on the cheek, my mom's was the last cheek I planted my kiss on. But I think I'm gonna put her in other category. So yes, let's not do Day 23. Or maybe, I'll change it to The last person I had a big fight with.

And Day 1, I'll change it to Your Best Friends, because I have a lot okay.

So okay, let's begin.

T________________T

If only I have a cloud friend.

taken from Tumblr

Two shoes for dancing.

Sedih.

I don't really care about Malaysian politics system. For me, it's no more than childish games, played by older people. Unfortunately, that never shows their maturity, instead displaying their stupidity.

I am against neither opponent, nor government. I don't have enough sayings to voice out my opinion, but I'd love to think that they all suck.

But, I'd go for party that feeds my family, that pays for me and my family's education, that gives us facilities, that will never let any of us citizen live under a flyover, that wouldn't mind if we citizen opt to choose which one is best for us, that gives us shelter regardless our living standards and our races, that cares about our environment, and most importantly, that gives us freedom.

I would also go for government who will teach me about my religion, who will bring me near to it, not the "Negara Islam kini ditukar kepada Negara Berkebajikan" craps, and not even for the pointing fingers who are busy looking for people to be punished by Hukum Hudud whatsoever, instead finding a solution to prevent things from happening.

Authority has lost my faith, seriously. I've seen games since I was a kid. You know, when corruption takes place. When the only persons we put our trust in, destroyed it all.

We're all human beings, don't ever think to change or to bring brighter future to our nation if we don't do it to ourselves first.

Look at ourselves now.

Oh, satu lagi, ceramah kutuk-mengutuk sesama sendiri amatlah bodoh. Kau dah tua kot. Isk.