Sungguh random.

I am feeling a little bit uninspired lately. But I think that's okay. Life has got its ups and downs.

There's no story to tell. There's no frustration. I am happy happy for no reasons. I just don't know why. If I am not happy, I am okay. There's no space for sadness, at all.

Oh, but I pray to God for Sheima's health. Her condition is worsening, though slowly. Latest, she's been diagnosed with Hepatitis B. How frustrating is that? I hate to see her fall sick. Its killing me inside. Now God, please help her, please help us all, please.

Sending application (in a process of sending it), I've decided to go for UUM, to do Applied Linguistics, may the application will be accepted, InsyaAllah. If there's no complication, and if I am accepted to further there, the next intake will be in June (correction: September actually.).

The best part is, I no longer swear. Like totally free from swearing. Not even a single word. Except for "Bo...doh gilaaa!" or "Bangang ke apa?". I feel guilty every time I was about to swear. Hope this will last. It is good, isn't it? But I kinda miss those bad words, I am.

So yes, that is all. Things are coming, but I want to keep it first. There will be a laugh if its really going to happen.

Kempen "Membaca Itu Sudah Lama Start, Kau Je Yang Lembab!"

I have this hobby right now, which is doing research on things. No, particularly I just read about things. No research, just reading and a lot of 'ohh' and 'hmm' and 'whoa' happened in the process. It is fun.

The thing is, I was so ignorant I refused to read. I just gained things and info about what happened in this world simply by asking. Especially history. It is terrible you know, when you know things from the surface only and have no intention to read further.

Ish, ish, ish.

I always love to read about Sirah Rasulullah S.A.W. Or anything regarding to Islamic history. It fascinates me. I remember I finished reading a book of Kisah Nabi in one night. As well as local myths, awesome ones especially. Such as those Hikayat Puteri Gunung Ledang, or Sultan Mahmud Mangkat Dijulang, or even the story about a Dragon that resides under Muar Bridge. I just don't know why, I am always attracted to this kind of story.

Where can I get more of those Malay hikayats?

p/s: I don't know whether you feel it too, I think this blog looks dull when I stopped swearing. But I can't, I am restraining myself from doing it.

Kau dengan aku sama saja buruknya.

Perihal membuka pekung di dada ni memang setail lah.

Aku sejenis manusia yang sekali melangkah, takde mananya nak toleh belakang dah. Hati aku keras. Degil, Nauzubillah. Mak bapak aku pun mengaku kerasnya hati aku. Bila aku nak, aku nak jugak jugak.

Bila aku tak nak, aku tak suka, aku boleh buat bodoh dengan selamba, apa lagi nak ambil peduli.

Aku selalu buat orang marah, selalu buat orang terasa, tapi bila nak mintak maaf, sekali pun payah.

Ego aku tinggi. Tinggi langit. Aku sombong, aku tak ramah, aku memilih kawan. Aku jaga kelas, walaupun kelas aku sebenarnya di bawah, bukan di atas. Aku selalu tak berkenan dengan orang, selalunya sebelum berkenalan.

Aku pemalas. Kemas rumah, mop lantai, sapu sampah bukan 'scene' aku. Aku tak reti masak. Basuh baju pakai mesin pun aku terkial-kial. Ciri-ciri berkahwin memang tak ada langsung. Apa lagi nak jadi anak solehah.

Aku jarang serius. Semua benda aku ambil lewa. Semua hal aku buat ketawa. Aku gemar bersuka-suka. Berhibur sampai orang naik pelik, tak penat ke?

Jadi itu baru separuh sifat buruk aku.

Kalau keluarkan semua, boleh buat letih nak baca balik.

Malu?

Biasa je sebenarnya.

Orang datang dan pergi disebabkan ini. Tetapi buat masa ini, semua tu tak apa.

Sebab satu asas hidup aku pegang,

"Hidup memang dikelilingi orang. Tapi orang bukan satu, bukan juga sejuta.

Yang penting, jadikan diri sebagai hak diri sendiri, bukan orang lain punya."

p/s: Aku hormat cara hidup kau yang bertentangan dengan cara hidup aku, sila belajar hormat cara hidup aku, yang dah tak perlu ada kau di dalamnya.

Buat hal lah kau ni.

I may no longer have the power to curse and swear, but that wouldn't really stop me from smashing some faces, if I want to.

Firstly, you have deleted me from your friends list, virtually as well as in reality. I am fine with that, because I know a coward just can always talk way too much, and later find so many reasons to save his/her own ass. I am used to that.

The act of deleting me from your friend list as if you don't want me to know anything about you, really makes me want to puke. Funny thing is, you're the one here reading things I wrote. Not that I don't allow you to read my blog, I know you've been waiting for a post that specially dedicated to you. But what makes me damn frustrated is that I still don't have the opportunity to slap your face several times, for messing with me, my friends as well as for that big mouth you have.

Seriously, get over yourself. I don't miss you that much. And believe me, I know it's you. I no longer wait for you to say things you're supposed to say. I know you're always like that. A little coward. Go cry your ass off, that is all you could do.

Right there when you think you're alone.

There are numbers of interpretations when it comes to love. It depends on each and every individual in this world, on how they perceive love itself. As for me, I don't know, at first I thought love can be assimilated with happiness, and all that itsy-bitsy things that you did not care about before, now all are involved. Later came some unfortunate events, I began to believe that love is vulnerable. Bluergh. Of course love is subjective, love to God, parents, friends, and all. But the ultimate association is often the affection towards a person, a soul mate. And I am talking about that. And yes now since I am being all optimist and positive, I now have different view on love.

Easy.

It is a matter of you're actually stupid, or you purposely make a fool of yourself, love changes all. You're fine even when you look like the dumbest person on earth. That is when you're in love.

And yes, it is easy if you make it easy, it is not if you complicate it. Rule of nature, as always.

This is a random post. I feel like talking about love tonight. No, it has nothing to do with Valentine's Day, and I am not even in love right now.

Happy thoughts, happy face.

I am currently happy for no reasons. I feel like laughing all the time. For no reason. Weird, right? I woke up doing nothing and feel bored all the time, still there are flowery feelings inside there. I even smile to random strangers, on the street, at the traffic lights, like wherever. For absolutely no reason.

I just don't know why.

And this is good.

It was two years ago. I was like, 22 years old.

I just found out that someone has been reading my blog and that person found it through Google Search under the search of a person named Suluh Sultan Akhbar.

This is embarrassing.

Hello, whoever you are, whether you are his friend, his lover, or even you are actually Suluh himself. I just want to say I'm sorry. For what? I myself don't know. I just feel like apologizing. Let me know if you want me to delete any post that has mentioned his name.

It was a silly crush. And it was really like long time ago.

Ya Allah. This is embarrassing. Haih.

Nobody's not perfect.

I have learned something today. You think you're nothing, but you are actually perfect for someone else. I learned this from a lyric, not sure who's singing it. Any help?

I asked Sheima,

"Are you happy right now?"

She said,

"No. Obviously."

I said,

"Right? Like life is empty. Why aren't we happy? Why am I not happy?"

It ended with sigh, just like that. I was about to say "Because I am not perfect?" but it just happened to cross my brain, I don't know why can't I put them into utterance.

But yes, I see Sheima as a perfect woman. Of course. There's a lot of things to put into counts if you ask me what makes me consider she's perfect. I just can't explain why. But she will deny this. I know.

The point I am trying to make here is, I see her as perfect, but she doesn't see herself the way I see her. And it happens to everyone else.

I think the phrase "Nobody's perfect" should be abolished. Because everyone is perfect. Their imperfections make them perfect.

Kempen Mencarut Itu Jijik

Aku baru buat satu tabung. Tabung Berhenti Mencarut. Ini termasuk lah mencarut akibat marah, mencarut sebab suka-suka atau mencarut tanpa disedari. Ini untuk melatih kesopanan yang telah lama hilang ditelan zaman.

Rules and regulations:

1. Sekali mencarut bayar 10 sen. Apa? Murah sangat? Hish, kalau sehari boleh kumpul sampai lima ringgit, hujung tahun dah boleh beli Pulau Jerejak.

2. Semua jenis carutan secara lisan. Carutan yang biasa kita dengar, yang keluar dari mulut anak remaja zaman sekarang. Takkan nak suruh listkan? Haih la.

3. Kalau terkeluar separuh, maka denda pun separuh. Contohnya, "Baaaaaaaab.." Okay tu kena lima sen.

4. Mencarut secara non-verbal dibenarkan. Seperti contoh, dalam blog, atau status di FB. Apahal tak adil pulak? Benda kena kayuh pelan-pelan dol.

5. Bukan aku sorang yang kena bayar. Kawan kawan pun kena. Aku paksa, setuju atau tidak. Peduli hape aku. Kalau tanak ikut, boleh dah pergi main jauh-jauh.

6. Carutan di dalam perbualan yang muncul sebagai iklan dibenarkan. Tetapi frasa "Ni iklan je ehhh!" mesti ada di setiap permulaan ayat. Seperti contoh, "Tak ah, pastu bila dia bengang, dia cakap ah, jap, NI IKLAN JE EHHH! "Babi betul la budak tu."

7. Mencarut dalam keadaan melatah dimaafkan. AHAHAHA

Okay setakat ni tu je. Aku rasa aku boleh kaya. Mari sertai Kempen Mencarut Itu Jijik. Serious, lama-lama aku rasa mencarut tu macam jijik pulak. Tapi masalahnya, stress weh sehari tak dapat mencarut.

Di mana terselitnya Khairunnisa itu?

O Prophet! when believing women come to you giving you a pledge that they will not associate aught with Allah, and will not steal, and will not commit fornication, and will not kill their children, and will not bring a calumny which they have forged of themselves, and will not disobey you in what is good, accept their pledge, and ask forgiveness for them from Allah; surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. 12:60

It's only February and I hate 2011 already. Haih.

Something is missing. You know, like you think you're fine, all is okay, but when you're alone, when everyone else is dreaming, you just sit and realize something is not there.

Do I need to change anything?

The truth is, I do. But I just don't know how to.

Came across Kak Maria's tweet. Said she wants to be a perfect Khairunnisa.

I am Khairunnisa. My name is Syafawati Khairunnisa.

But I am not sure I am Khairunnisa enough for myself. I don't know whether people can see the Khairunnisa in me. I want to be a perfect Khairunnisa too. I can be a Khairunnisa, I suppose. But I just don't know if I am able to do so. At least for now.

The phrase "sebaik-baik perempuan" as Khairunnisa means is really challenging. I've tried to be one, once. No, several times. But truthful is, I am not strong enough. I was demeaned by my own self.

Still, I am ashamed by the name I carry throughout my whole life. For not portraying the meaning of it. Of course.

4 days trip to Kampung. More photos are on their way.

Via acceptance.

Clearly, you've messed with the wrong person here, mate.

I don't give a single fuck about your belief and your perceptions. I am angry, I am sad, but really, I won't say it right to your face, because I know, it would only be a waste of time. I am sorry if I am never good enough for you, I even feel bad about myself, let alone to please your expectations.

All people around the world really waste their time thinking about first impression but shit I don't care because I am not scared of myself. And yes, you are scared of your own shadows. And from there, you just build yourself to become shallow. Just free yourself from insecurities for fuck's sake, that is so 2000 years ago.

I don't expect anything from you, neither do I owe anything from you. But I am sorry, you're just low. And we'll see, how far you can bring yourself from there.

To be a student.

I think I talk too much, think too much and whine just too much everything looks so mundane. I really need to get out of this place.

Well by the way, today is the beginning of February, I already have a plan for this whole year, and maybe for next year too. Due to unemployment I suffer like a little bitch right now, I am planning to do Postgraduate shit this upcoming term. Not because it's just an alternative, it is also for a better future if I want to further in advertising, at least. And furthering in Advertising straight just makes no sense because I don't even have a basic in it at all, so why not I twist the knowledge I have with something related to it.

So the new intake would be, in September I think due to centralization of terms in education calendar. Shit, that would be, maaaannnnnyyy months to come.

Since Advertising is only offered in UiTM, Shah Alam particularly, and I have no interest doing the program in Kuala Lumpur, so I've searched for places that offer the courses related. One, Communication and Language in UPM. We got Applied Linguistics in UUM, and Linguistics and English Language in USM. The choices really sound nauseating, but I just can't afford to pay to fly overseas, and I am over UIA, really.

What I need to do now is to get parents approval and blessings, go find a temporary job, so I can survive for the mean time, and try to do a survey on scholarships (I know the possibility to get one is very crucial, but I really have to try), and most of all, the struggle of application itself. I don't know how far can I push it, you know, with all the limits as well as the requirements, I don't know, I really hope this will be the best, even good offers might come in between getting into studying again.

So yes, I would like to hear thoughts from people. I really do.

My childhood was really a nightmare.

This is what I looked like when I was a kid. BERSEPAH.

Mati-mati aku ingatkan aku comel.

Senyum dan kiraannya.

Senyum ada banyak jenis.

Ikhlas, satu.

Terpaksa, dua.

Hormat, tiga.

Manis ada makna, empat.

Bahagia juga gembira, lima.

Tanda setuju, enam.

Yang ketujuhnya, senyum sembunyi luka.

Mana satu kamu punya?

Aku?

Tiada di atas.

Semuanya senyum tanpa makna.

Mengapa?

Kosong itu sukar. Benar.

Betina.

Maka masa yang dihabiskan di Batu Pahat selain daripada masuk hospital, FB, dan makan adalah buat album kucing.

Oh ye, dekat rumah ada seekor kucing. Aku pun tak sure kenapa nama dia Betina. Betina je. Simple. Betina. Takde Comel, Lucky, Abigail atau apa lain nama yang standard standard tu kan. Rilek je nama dia Betina. Betina bt Mohamed.

Sekarang dia bergalak nak laki, asal malam je huru hara, asal malam je merengek. Marah aku. Manja tahap mintak lempang. Tanak tidur atas lantai, nak tidur atas katil. Tak minum air masak, minum susu je cibai aku kecik kecik pun tak manja cenggitu.

Suka meleseh, dan buat muka ketat bila orang tak layan. Aku selalu dengki, dia datang aku tolak, datang sekali lagi angkat, julang tinggi tinggi pastu gigit telinga. Oh yes, I am pengotor like that!

Sila nikmati gambar-gambar Betina di bawah. Mungkin kalau ada kucing perempuan lagi lepas ni nama dia Sundal pulak. Siapa tahu?

Cubaan makan kerepek pisang. Gagal. Sebab takde jari dan kerepek pisang keras.

Okay tak dapat dari dalam plastik, rebut dari mulut orang. Cenggini punya kucing pun mak aku sayang lagi. Haih.

Memang ikut muka Puan Shikin betul dia ni. Saling tak tumpah.

Okay, kelas tusyen belajar main judi dari pukul 8.30 malam sampai pukul 11. Boleh dah kalau nak masuk Olimpik acara judi.

Tengok TV cerita Ahmad Durrah. Macam ke paham.

Ah, bukan selalu nak dengki tuan. Makan wayar laptop dia tengok boleh kenyang ke tak.

Bosan kelas judi. Masuk kelas menaip lah pulak.

Girl is ready to fuck things up!

Hoi, jatuh cinta lah aku dengan perut kau.

Tapi tiba part kau panggil aku kakak, rasa nak tempeleng pun ada.

Peace!

As I was chatting with Nora just now, I just realized that one of the reasons why I love blogging is I just love to write, instead of telling people about how I feel.

You know, it's just a waste of time, I am one stubborn bitch, I never want to hear other people's opinion, advice or whatshit. And those opinions, and advices would only cause disagreement, and disputes. Because I am standing on my own the whole time.

I no longer feel that I need people to hear me screaming, or whining about things I can't get. The thing is, I no longer feel that I need people to do anything for me, at all. Because they were never there, actually. And they are not going to be there, ever.

But I do appreciate my family and friends, though. They're the best.

And yes, I thought that would be the best. Life is better when our mouth is shut.

Semak otak lah dengan kau.

Kalau tak suka, kau blah sudah. Kau simpan lagi buat apa? Macam babi.

Tuan Puteri Blackout

So that's my new nickname.

Spending hours in government hospital is worse than fighting with death, I must say. That's the last place on earth I would let myself be at.

So yes, I was in the emergency room, half-conscious, failed to open my eyes. But really, if let say I have energy that time, I could have slapped all the Malay MAs, they're so rude. More dissapointing, only those Malay bastards acted like that. Now I'm being racist to my own race, but the hell I don't care. People pay tax, so they deserve to be treated equally. And that is not anyone's problem if those fucktards receive low salary so they can do their job carelessly or half-heartedly.

This issue is quite common when it comes to government hospital and people who work there. I've faced this kind of shit when I was 17, no way I'm not going to get medical treatment at government hospital anymore.

I'd rather die at home.

And don't let me start with UIA's clinical services.

Junko Faruta

I cried while reading this. Literally.

I've put this on my Tumblr, my FB, and putting it on my blog as well.

Reading this are not going to give us normal people pleasure, I must say, I can't stop thinking about this.

Try to imagine you're in her place. Even just for a day.

This is the story of Junko Furuta, a 17 year old girl who was held captive by 4 teenagers.

DAY 1: November 22, 1988:Kidnapped
Kept captive in house, and posed as one of boy’s girlfriend
Raped (over 400 times in total)
Forced to call her parents and tell them she had run away
Starved and malnutritioned
Fed cockroaches to eat and urine to drink
Forced to masturbate
Forced to strip in front of others
Burned with cigarette lighters
Foreign objects inserted into her vagina/anus

DAY 11: December 1, 1988:Severely beat up countless times
Face held against concrete ground and jumped on
Hands tied to ceiling and body used as a punching bag
Nose filled with so much blood that she can only breath through her mouth
Dumbbells dropped onto her stomach
Vomited when tried to drink water (her stomach couldn’t accept it)
Tried to escape and punished by cigarette burning on arms
Flammable liquid poured on her feet and legs, then lit on fire
Bottle inserted into her anus, causing injury

DAY 20: December10, 1989:

Unable to walk properly due to severe leg burns
Beat with bamboo sticks
Fireworks inserted into anus and lit
Hands smashed by weights and fingernails cracked
Beaten with golf club
Cigarettes inserted into vagina
Beaten with iron rods repeatedly
Winter; forced outside to sleep in balcony
Skewers of grilled chicken inserted into her vagina and anus, causing bleeding

DAY 30:Hot wax dripped onto face
Eyelids burned by cigarette lighter
Stabbed with sewing needles in chest area
Left nipple cut and destroyed with pliers
Hot light bulb inserted into her vagina
Heavy bleeding from vagina due to scissors insertion
Unable to urinate properly
Injuries were so severe that it took over an hour for her to crawl downstairs and use the bathroom
Eardrums severely damaged
Extreme reduced brain size

DAY 40:Begged her torturers to “kill her and get it over with”

January 1, 1989:Junko greets the New Years Day alone
Body mutilated
Unable to move from the ground

DAY 44: January 4, 1989:The four boys beat her mutilated body with an iron barbell, using a loss at the game of Mah-jongg as a pretext. She is profusely bleeding from her mouth and nose. They put a candle’s flame to her face and eyes.

Then, lighter fluid was poured onto her legs, arms, face and stomach, and then lit on fire. This final torture lasted for a time of two hours.

Junko Furuta died later that day, in pain and alone. Nothing could compare 44 days of suffering she had to go through.

When her mother heard the news and details of what had happened to her daughter, she fainted. She had to undergo a psychiatric outpatient treatment . Imagine her endless pain.

Her killers are now free men. Justice was never served, not even after 20 years.

And this, is beyond sick. This is fucked up.