Jangan amalkan sikap, “_____ bukan apa, nak cakap je. Tapi _____ rasa tak elok macamgitu.” (Oh, baca dengan nada paling sinis.)
Hati kau memang tak elok.
Aku tau sebab apa jadi macamgini, sebab aku hidup dari awal memang senang. Sampai satu masa aku susah, aku belajar.
Tapi kau, kau dari awal hidup susah. Orang tolong. Sampai satu masa kau hidup senang. Kau pernah belajar, tapi kau lupa.
Tak semua orang nak kau masuk campur, tak semua orang nak kau bagi pendapat. Aku sikit pun tak masuk campur hal kau, apa lagi kalau nak kacau harta kau.
Jangan. Jangan. Kau darah daging aku. Aku junjung kau dekat atas kepala, jangan bagi aku ungkit satu apa pun.
Jangan. Jangan mula.
Benda-benda macamgini lah kadang-kadang buat aku malas nak bercampur dengan keluarga besar. Aku serba hina. Semua orang lain elok. Orang ini sopan, baik. Orang ini pandai, cerdik.
Aku. Aku ada apa? Aku perempuan tak senonoh macam anak kau. Aku pun tak pandai macam anak kau. Aku tak pernah kisah nak jaga nama mak bapak macam anak-anak kau jaga nama kau. Maka benci lah engkau dengan aku.
Dan maka dengan itu lah, tidak akan ada apa-apa lagi urusan antara kita. Tidak kira lah sekuat manapun pertalian darah, kita kini, tidak ada apa-apa.
Oh, satu lagi. Jangan jadi tukang cucuk, atau batu api. Kau dah tua.
Not that I am celebrating this Thanksgiving things. (What? Now you’re telling me I am being misguided? Douche.) It triggered me to list down things that I am thankful for all this while. It has nothing to do with Thanksgiving, only the word ‘Thank’ in case people are not aware of that.
I am thankful for being given enough air to breath, but yes, these are other things I am thankful for, all this while.
1. Awesome parents, for not buying me those Barbie dolls when I was a kid.
2. Greatest kid brother on earth, he is going to be my official photographer for any occasion.
3. Lovely cousins. For their presence. And the whole non-stop laughs.
4. Best friends who cooked for me on my birthday they are too, awesome like that! And friends that did not cook for me on my birthday, but have always been there.
5. Pecal Ayam Wong Jowo. Score. Oh, mapley Hero. Ah! Ah! Murni’s Discovery. I wonder if those cooks have magical hands.
6. Lame jokes. You know that I know educational and high-class jokes do stop creativity.
7. Being fat. Okay seriously, I lie. But yes, who knows I’ll turn to be the bitchiest slut if I am skinny?
8. The existence of literature minus those stupid plays. I only love poems and short stories.
9. Cats. Perhaps they don’t know how to stop being so cute and adorable.
10. Thrift shops. Apart from “You’re not going to wear that in your grave, anyway even if it’s too expensive”, I learn not to invest on something that won’t last.
Let us be thankful, for what we have today, we might not have it tomorrow.
To get a spot in one of the most successful advertising agencies in Malaysia, or even in the world is the best thing that happened in my life. It wasn’t my dream at first, because being a writer is my last resort, I always wanted to be a kindergarten teacher.
Laugh all you can (some people did), but yes, I even told my parents about this, and they smiled, as a sign of approval. They actually don’t mind, and support my decision whatever I am planning to be, my parents. The best! I am still thinking to open one kindergarten once I am stable enough, but we’ll get to that, later in future posts. Planning now means die now.
So yeah, back to the topic. I had fun working here, and still having it. I never thought that writing ads gives me hell lot fun and misery at the same time. You see, I did write poems, I did blogshit (in case you cannot see the whole crap in the posts), but the power of persuasion wasn’t there, because I wrote that for myself. I even have no basic in advertising, so I don’t really know the techniques, or even terms, they are so complex. So, being a newbie with zero knowledge and experience, working here makes me grow fear. Fear of expectation, mostly. I can say I am the youngest here, though they said it’s the best time to start, I still am afraid they might not get enough from me.
But 5 months here already taught me something, do what the hell you need to do. And shut them up if they complain. Everything has its rationale. I don’t believe in competition among teammates (which means colleagues), because if they don’t think that I am able enough, and possess little creativity (This part is when my best friends helped a little bit. Hell no, a lot actually!), they might not even think to prolong my contract at the first place.
Oh, at first I was a graduate trainee for three months, but the titled has been changed to freelance copywriter after the period. Which I believe is one good thing. I hope they can make me permanent as I already fell in love with this field, with this company. Even if they don’t, the base is there, the name can help me to further in this field. So that comforts me. I think.
But the purpose of writing this is because the company is organizing a bowling tournament next Monday to celebrate the creative team for winning the Kancil Awards and bla bla bla and HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO PLAY? The last time I played was a week ago, with cousins, after like 5 years, and I was the second last loser. (LOL really sucks at bowling, and I less suck than her. HAHA.) And the participation is compulsory. Fun trivia, I am going to be in the same team with my big boss. Did you hear me? MY BIG BOSS! Or in this case, did you read me? This is so MOTHERFUCKING atrocious!
I am crying for help, I am going to die in humiliation, and this point of time, I hate Harry Potter and his magic because it isn't real.
Dear 40 years old me,
I am sorry if your life is still fucked up. Blame that 23 years old bitch who still stuck in you. But it is good to know that you’re still hanging on, there. Perhaps you’ve gained enough experience in life, the sweetness of it is you have something to keep inside for yourself rather than let your life empty without anything good or even bad to remember through the walk.
17 years ago, there’s a blog, and it’s yours. I really hope you can go through it back, to see why you still survive. It’s one of the greatest phases you’ve been in, in this life, I must say.
Yours,
23 years old you.
Dear 16 years old me,
You’re doing fine in study. It’s a right decision to change school because your teacher didn’t allow you to drop certain subjects. Add Math is such a jerk, I know. You probably need it in your future, but this is 23 years old you talking, believe me, you can survive without it. It’s just numbers, come on. You still can have fun without it.
I know you’re into boy stuff, sneakers, t-shirts and so on. But try to put on heels sometimes; it’s to train your posture, to train you to walk elegantly, to help you getting into the ladies mood. Because in the next 10 years, you’ll be walking on earth in flats only, and that would be frustrating, because heels in 10 years to come are going to kill your heart, because they’re so gorgeous, and because you can’t afford to walk in them.
Just because boys pass you because you look like them, (refer to the second paragraph if you don’t get what I mean, and yes, you’re not that pretty) don’t bother to dream about getting a boyfriend when you get older. Yes, as you grow older, you’ll turn a little feminine, and you’ll see, boys will pass you for the same reason. I mean, you'll still look like them, yes, by being feminine, because they do the same.
Keep all piercings you have, don’t ever lose them. Keep all your ripped jeans, (if you believe you can still fit in those), stupid band t-shirts or whatever it is, it satisfies you because people can still see how trashy you are. Because when you get older, 23 years old specifically, you won’t have the same courage to look like a rebel, just like you are now. You’ll dress accordingly, because it’s a demand from everybody else around you. And that ain’t cool.
Quit smoking, please, please, please. Yes, a box of ciggies now is only, how much? RM 3.50? Something like that? The price is getting higher, bitch. I pay 10 bucks in 2010 just to repeat the same mistake you did. You’ll give up other stuff, by the way, so no worries.
Be ready, you’ll lose people you love eventually. And friendships are changing. You’ll meet good people, bad people along the way. Try not to fall for them. And believe this; nobody can be in the same boat with you, because you can only rock and row it alone.
Lastly, try to strengthen your Faith, please. God loves you. Do not ever think Ibu and Ayah hate you (I know you do), you’ll see their pure love just right after you finished reading this. Stop being such an asshole.
Other than that, knowing our own capacity, you’re good, you’re good.
Love,
23 years old you.
As I am much exposed to homosexuality occurs around me, I am learning one new thing. Being gay is an option, but being a human is an obligation.
It’s not that I support homosexuality, which would be against my religion. But my concerns are about how human you can be when it comes to you reacting towards this matter.
And I am a single female. The perspectives may come out differently. Of course it’s a bit frustrating the only gender you’re holding your hope to share kind affection is now turning back to share it among them only. And I believe there’s another group from that gender shares the same thought with me when they see lesbians, which is obviously from my gender, holding hands and whatnot. After all, it’s a choice, there’s nothing much we can do about it.
Okay, back to the topic. I found it very annoyingly interesting when there are two groups of people, particularly hetero, going pro (I believe there are,) and against these homosexuals. Why is that? Why wouldn’t all people go normal without having to love or hate this so-called second gender? They are all human being for fuck sake; they deserve to live no matter what. It’s their choice.
Let them be. They are matured enough to choose what they want to be, they are conditionally good enough to bear with all of the consequences they might face in the future. As what you yourself would claim whenever people point out your wrong, “You don’t get to stay with me in my fucking tomb, so get the fuck out”, stop having opinion. And as long as you don’t go buy condom for them to have it, it’s fine.
You can’t change anything by hating them so much; neither can you do anything by liking them the way they are.
Continue being human, do not care too much. If you do like homosexuality, just shut the hell up, if you don’t, just shut the fuck up. It is what the world taught us to do.
But of course I don’t want my brother to be gay, because I want to hug and play and buy things for my own beloved nephews and nieces, not the adopted ones.
