Huru-hara tak menahan.

See, people they don’t understand. No, girlfriends, they can’t understand, your Grandsons, they won’t understand. And me, I ain’t ever going to understand.

Hidup aku penuh dengan ketidaksenonohan.

Few days ago, mahu keluar. Turun dekat carpark, baru perasan kereta park dekat depan kedai kedai orang ramai. Baik, kawal pernafasan, jalan mendada sikit, lirikan mata kena jaga.

Okay, dah rasa cukup cantik, aku jalan pergi dekat kereta. Picit alarm, bunyi. Bukak pintu, tak boleh bukak.

“Ah, kenapa ini?” hati berdetik sayu mengingatkan kalau rosak kereta ni aku nak jadi apa?

Picit alarm sekali lagi, bunyi kereta locked.

Picit lagi, cuba bukak pintu sekali lagi, TAK BOLEH BOLEH JUGAK.

Kimak, kimak, kimak.

Tiba-tiba tergerak hati aku tengok dalam kereta, mana tau apa-apa ke kan.

Bila tengok isi dalam kereta, hati aku berdetik sekali lagi.

“Kenapa dalam kereta ni ada tersangkut tie? Merah hijau pulak tu.”

Aku renung punya renung, sekali salah kereta, kereta yang sebenar berada di selang sebuah dari kereta tempat kejadian. Punah harapan nak perasan cantik.

DIA PUNYA MALU, MACAM KONON KONON NAK BUAT-BUAT MACAM NAK CURI KERETA TU TERUS, UNTUK COVER LINE.

Yang aku hairan, kereta yang disalahertikan tu tak sama langsung dengan kereta yang ingin dinaiki.

Dari jauh aku sudah boleh lihat senyum sumbing orang sekeliling. Kenapa tidak ada langsung ruang untuk aku bersikap senonoh? Kenapa?

Oh, satu lagi, dah takde dengar orang panggil aku Abang, tapi ada pulak yang panggil aku Mak Cik. Jijik nya situasi ni.

Except for Azee, because she's my pet.

So it was a real relief.

Tears somehow mean nothing, unless if people you love die. I was so frustrated yesterday, but am so calm today. I never felt this kind of feelings, where after brainwashed, I usually snapped back, because I have this bitch’s mouth, you see. But this time, people around managed to soothe me, with their convincing words of wisdom.

And one thing I come to understand now, true friendship is actually bullshit, at least for me. Because I might have this problem of elasticity, (I’d rather call it a problem) between my friends, that I believe came from my own self. Maybe, I am the one who possesses the real problem. I cannot get too attached.

I was too attached with my super duper best friend; Yana, she is now 7 feet underground.

I was too attached with my ex-super-best-friend-now-regular-friend; Mimin, she took my ex boyfriend whom I can’t get over with at that moment.

And recently, I was super attached with my former best friends, and things went wrong, there’s no chemistry between us, after couple of years, I bailed. I've never been taught how to worship people.

So I am now on my own, of course I have other friends around me, but I’d rather maintain this momentum and space. I’d rather have distance between us, (except for Azee, because she’s my pet) because I don’t want unwanted things to happen again.

I am happy to say I keep good relationships with these people, I don’t see them much, (except for Azee, because she’s my pet, and Hazeman, because he’s my dinner-cracker, and Monkey at this moment, because he’ll be gone by September, not sure if I’d ever see him again, so spending time with him didn’t get any kind of resistance from my parents.) but yes, friendship still have its value even though you don’t get to see them much.

It doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate them, it’s just they themselves don’t care about this obvious token of appreciation thingy. So we’re good with that.

But post-breakup get together last night was real awesome, when Sheima meets Nadal, you’ll die.

And Riz, I won’t repeat the one-year-abandonment friendship, because I am now FREE. And you stay be my number one boy.

Oh. No worries, I wasn't talking to anyone.

The deep hole in my heart.

Thank you for everything, I have nothing in return, all I can do is pray that God will pay you people back. Countless thanks; I will remember the good part of our long joy.

It is all well said. You people can act like you don’t know anything about me, so you can put all the blame on this shoulder. You people can deny all the vows and oaths, so we don’t have anything related from now on.

I understand. If that is what you people want, I totally understand.

Claim all the double standard shits, I can swallow that.

Do whatever you people want. Compare if you people must. Judge as far as you people can. We’re so damn close yet you people can’t see anything about me. And I believe I no longer can, too.

I didn’t show how I appreciate you people to the highest extend. I didn’t remind you people in which part of my heart you people belong to.

Because I thought action speaks louder than words.

But I was wrong. I was totally wrong.

It is okay, I sure will survive, even after nobody is left for me to rely on, because I no longer believe in what we had before. Enough is enough. One is destroyed after one. I can’t bear with another loss.

So long, thank you for everything. Thank you for money you people have spent on me. Thank you for every tears dropped on you people’s hands. Thank you for every scar and bruise I ever caused on you people. You people have been so wonderful but we’re not on the same path like before.

Thank you, again.

But I can't be anyone’s dog.

How to fix it? You don't have to.

At some point, I just don’t care.


Shared some stories with Hazeman aka Mama, my own Mama, (Monkey was there, but I pretended like he wasn’t, because, he’d laugh at almost words that came out from my mouth, that bitch.) yesterday. Stories about me back then, when I was in secondary school. My ‘golden’ age, where so many complications happened, so many foolish mistakes occurred. And Mama went blank, I asked “Why? Kenapa diam?” and he said, “No, aku tengah fikir. Things happened to people randomly.”


The real thing is Mama, now you know I am one unlucky bitch from the day I was born, until now for all my life. But I just don’t care.



Well, those stories are basically about how easy it is to fall in love and being dumped indirectly. One of them is the story about me and this one guy.


Let us call him Y. He and I were good friends. We spent most of our times together, lepak-ing, talking on the phone, sharing ciggies, getting drunk, that kind of activities. Later, you know, a girl like me, of course there would be something ‘weird’ to happen. And it happened. I fell in love with him, and he kind of felt the same way, I think. At least he said so.


So we sort of tied it in a different way, because he said he’s going to wait until I finish school, then we’ll make it official. I was so happy, because he was so gorgeous, sort of model-like (kalau tukar muka HAHA), with figure I could slurrrpppp all night long. Yes. I was that naïve.


Later I moved to Batu Pahat, changed school, and he moved to KL to follow his family. But we managed to keep in touch. I was one happy girl and was in love at that time.


But one day, I received news that totally took my world down. Y was caught (tangkap basah apa entah in English) with one girl that happened to be one of my friends. And they got married after that.


Painful, it was. Imagine, on what sin I’ve made to be punished like that? I was just a kid to be tested like that. But there’s no question to God now, because He knows best.


And now, after 6 or 7 years, I found him on Facebook. And we exchanged numbers. He’s now divorced with one daughter. We are now on our way to continue the long lost friendship. With no extended intentions of course. :P




You see, you may judge me just by looking at me selflessly. “She’s a bitch.” “She’s desperate.” “She’s a slut.” “She’s pathetic.” and all that. But what the hell, be in my shoes for one day and I bet you’ll feel like punching every face that passes in front of you because you surely can’t stand being me.


So yeah, this applies to other people as well, don’t judge people just because you don’t like them. Because your judgment reflects yourself. Your good personality must have lacked in certain parts.

God is fair enough to make this life unfair, just to teach His servants in His own unique way.

But to fuck I don’t actually care about your judgment, you know I’ll live happily based on it.

A message to stream down the tears.

Got a text message from someone I love just now, and I was literally crying in front of PC while reading the text. It came in the right time, it's like she can sense that I am not quite myself. It's like she knew I am not emotionally straight at the moment. It's like she came to offer a shoulder for me to cry on.


In the text, she mentioned that she hopes for Allah will open a new way for her to fix things up. And I can't stop thinking, what things to be fixed up? Have I done anything wrong? Is that why this separation happens? If yes, is our relationship going to be the same like before?


To the person,

I miss you. Like hell. Hell I've been living in these past two weeks.

There are so many to share. About my funny officemates, about my cool bosses, about the car I am planning to buy, about my dream to be a husband-snatcher, about my miserable life, about my little brother being sick, about what's not enough when you're gone, about my repetitious mistakes, and the most importan, about you that I have been missing a lot.

So here we are. Its good to know that we both dont want anything to end, on our part, at least.



So long, my love.
If this really means the end, what else can I say?

Letter for my number one boy.

Weekend was not so productive. I didn't get the chance to see you. We're supposed to meet on Saturday night, but ended up you're stuck at home, so yeah, another dull weekend, it was.


But interesting part, I spent my days with Sheima. We had this conversation about life, about what to expect from other people, about what to give to them and yada yada. It was a long talk, and that's what I love most about her, she's a medium for me to learn. If you're there, I'm sure hell it would be really fun. Because knowing you, and us, we love deep conversations.


And at this moment, I am home, with my long time friend, and she's lying next to me, talking on the phone with someone I used to called mine. Who would have thought? And surprisingly, I am cool with that. Guess I was right five years ago.


I'm telling you this, because somehow it got me thinking, do I have to wait another five years to be really okay? With you-know-what?


Isn't life sweet at all?


Tomorrow, no, today is the beginning of a new week. So, starting from now, I have decided to become one social retard. You would definitely know the reason behind that. It is real hard to let it go, my love. It is real hard to deny certain things, I must say.


How I wish you're here to tell me when to stop. How I wish you're here to scream at my bloody face telling me I was wrong. How I wish you're here to slap my face so I can see the real pain for being so dumb.



So this letter is for you, for you to know, how bad I am when it comes to that matter.

Like ol' times, dude!

As I said, I just need to see new faces. Like everyday.

So last night I was at Alam Shah, yeah, that all boys school. Because Hazeman invited me to be one of the trainers, the school got selected to join the inter-school theatre competition in national level.


I was so honored and extremely excited so I said YES I WOULD LOVE TO!


So Hazeman, Sheima, Azee, me and of course my monkey boy (because I have to feed him!) went there to see hows the training went so far.

Have to say, driven by major love in theatre thingy, I had real fun doing this, teaching the boys with every piece about theatre and acting skills I have though it was all by experience, not by proper knowledge, and its good to see them accepting us positively and making improvement even in the first day.



And to know the fact that I actually love working with Hazeman (put aside the stress, we all have that for fucks' sake) makes me fucking more excited and look forward to do this, banyak banyak kali. So thank you Hazeman, for giving me a chance to do this, to do something we both like, eventhough we are not at the very best at the moment. Have fun in Redang anyway, I have to work on Sunday, pfftt.



But the real question from Syapa is,


WHO CAN RESIST FRESH MEAT?

I am no whore. At least not anymore.

People say, life has its cycle. At one time you are on top of everything, the next thing you’d realize you are actually in a deep shit. I say, to hell with that cycle shits or whatever. Both conditions always happened at the same time.



Not to say I am at the highest level of my life, but I have had shits and fucks more than enough. More than you could imagine.



Numb, the right word, it is.



People can take anything from me, can say nasty things about me, can lose their hopes and expectations on me, can laugh their asses off at me, or can even judge me. My pleasure.



And they know I’ll play dumb. Because knowing that I would be good, great and grand on my own fall, is the sweetest revenge.



So, if you think you want to fuck me, literally or non-literally, think twice. You’ll be frustrated because there will be no enjoyment at the end of it.



Seriously.

Bangang it is.

Kau dah gilaaaaa?




Dont start anything that sure will ruin everything, because after all you'll end up crawling on your bed, crying your heart out, and blame yourself for being such a moron.


For fuck's sake, dont start.



Throw it away. Or at least, avoid yourself from it. You know you'll recover, or cure yourself with positivity, but that's not a license for you to start.



So dont start.





Remember, you are no longer you. So fragility is your base.






Truthful is, you need someone to hit your head so hard. This is an unacceptable mistake, if you must know.




Having a shitty life really cant make you think straight, eh?

Aku seorang ABANG.

Isu kekeliruan jantina dan aku umpama isi dan kuku.


Bukan aku tak mahu jadi perempuan yang semenggah. Sopan, manis, berakhlak baik dan berbudi pekerti. Tapi masalahnya aku memang kasar dari kecil. Berkat pengalaman ngeri dan keadaan sekeliling.


Bukan aku tak mahu bertubuh cantik, lemah gemalai meliang liuk. Tapi masalahnya kalau bentuk badan pun straight macam mesin basuh, diet seratus tahun pun orang lain yang kurus, aku tak jugak.


Bukan aku tanak mekap mekap gincu sana eyeliner sini. Biar manis sikit orang kata. Tapi masalahnya berbuku bedak aku tepek dekat muka, cantik tak jugak. Buat semak keadaan je.


Bukan aku tanak berhias pakai baju cantik cantik macam perempuan sekarang pakai. Tapi masalahnya tubuh badan memerlukan udara yang bersih. Tapi masalahnya kalau aku pakai baju longgar longgar kau cakap aku macam sebaya dengan Mak Long kau.


Semua aku dah buat nak bagi jadi perempuan. Sampai macam perempuan gila pun ada kalau sekali pandang.



TAPI MELAMPAU AH KALAU RAMBUT AKU PANJANG SAMPAI TALI BRA DAH BOLEH BUAT SANGGUL MAK JAH PUN KAU BOLEH PANGGIL AKU ABANG.


Nak pergi Siam ah buat surgery tambah apa yang patut. Dah nak suruh aku jadi lelaki sangat kan?

tak guna punya bestfriend.

Mangsa: "Ajie, bila kau nak kahwin weh?"

Azee: "Ish, lambat lagi la Pa, kau pun takde boyfriend lagi."










Kukimek. Kalau dia cakap dalam gelak-gelak aku okay lagi. Ni cakap dengan lemah-lembut, dan separuh serius. Boleh kasi darah masyarakat setempat naik.


Kalau sikit hari kau nampak aku dating dengan Awal Ashaari, baru kau sibuk nak menikah time tu jugak.

Gatal tak bertempat susah, gatal setempat pun susah. Cemana tu?

Gila tak best dah takde masa nak update blog.


Okay, tempat kerja gua best gila. Masuk sukahati, dapat pergi jalan-jalan, dapat tengok artis shooting iklan (walaupun Harith Iskander je tapi sumpah dia awesome), dapat join projek besar besar (siap lah lepas ni gua dengan Nora Danish bestfriend) dan pelbagai lagi.

Hari first gua jadi kuli, hari second gua dah macam CEO main sain-sain iklan. Haa, bos tak bos la kan gua.


Tapi bukan tu yang gua nak highlightkan. Yang penting sekarang, OFFICEMATES gua semua hot tak patut, tak kira bangsa. Hari first kenal-kenal gua terketar-ketar salam semua orang. Ye ah, bukan senang nak salam orang handsome, ye dak?


Jadi gua fikir hari hari balik pukul 9 malam pun gua tak kisah sebab lelaki hot lalu lalang (gua bukan terdesak bai, gua banyak kerja).


Lepas tu, gua ada lah usya satu orang ni, graphic designer wah memang hot teruk, nerdy sikit, citarasa gua sejak dari first akil baligh orang orang macamgini ni. Dari sehari gua stalk je dia. Bila dia khusyuk design iklan, gua kasi jenguk sikit, "ah ni rajin ni, memang pilihan orang tua". Pehhh, gua dah start geram.

Tadi gua balik rumah baru gua cari dia dekat FB (takkan nak stalk FB officemate dekat office ye dak? Nanti orang ingat gua pesalah seksual).


Klik klik sikit, jumpa nama, gua dah mula rasa sangsi, gua klik page dia.


Sekali besar depan bijik mata gua, gambar dia dengan anak bini dia.


Tahniah Syapa, laki orang, dah ada anak yang masih bayi.



Lahanet.



Ni kalau Apis Jamal gelak, memang gua terajang.

Yestersays: of gay club and the gay code.

So yesterday's yesterday was my first visit to a gay club. HAHAHA. I know, rightttt.

But I had really really fun! One of my friends invited me to join him and his friends to have fun there. So me along with my gay boys and couple of females went there, and the first thing I noticed was- OMG SO MANY HOT LADS! And I bet hot people no longer go to the straight club these days, because there were so many of them in that club! And later I even had this chance to dance with this one super duper hot bloke whose name was Hafiz or whatever, if I am not mistaken. But yeah, of course he's gay.



So the act of boy to boy kissing was kind of weird to watch in real life, but I can say no more, we are in the free country.



But I can say, it was a total blast. You know, seeing so many hot gays without having any sexual desire on them, it feels good.





Hell no, I'm lying.



I am starting to have weird fantasies that include gays in them. With figures like those, cute faces, and the full buts,



ALAHMAK HAIH.



And yes, one of my graduation wishlist, done!
That's the point, exactly.

Trying your luck.

I was browsing the collection of The Strokes' songs, and found this.
Of old stories and not-so-sweet memories,
I am ready for everything.



But that's another story.





There's an ending that I couldn't write, because life ain't chess.