Mesti akan ada orang ingat aku pengkid punya lah lepasni.

Okay, rambut baru. Keputusan secara tiba-tiba sebab aku dah janji nak potong rambut 2013, tetapi akibat serangan rambut gugur yang tidak putus-putus, aku beralah.

Tiada jodoh dengan rambut panjang. Sedih memang sedih namun pasrah saja lah.

Oh, Kuala Terengganu best tetapi makanan sumpah mahal aku rasa dah ramai tokey dekat Terengganu tu naik haji. Seronok sebab jumpa kawan satu universiti, duduk dalam bilik aircond sedap gila rasa tanak keluar, gelakkan adik aku sebab ex girlfriend dia ada sekali secara kebetulan (or mungkin tak kebetulan sangat kot?), terlalu banyak vespa berkeliaran aku naik geram, serta pergi melawat masjid kristal. Cantik.

Gambar nanti lah. Kerana di malam hening ini, internet sungguh bitch.

Okay bai.

And that's why God forbids suicide.

My cousin told me few days ago, her ex-colleague jumped off an apartment and died after she came back from her boyfriend's funeral.

That was scary.

I remember when I was in difficult times, I love to jump in the train, and just sit in there while it brought me from the beginning of the route until the end, and stay in there for few rounds before jump out of the train.

I love to see people, old people, pregnant women, couples and kids and wondering what's inside their head, what are they thinking, like how many suffer they've been through, and what makes them happy.

I failed to do so every time, of course, because I was so busy thinking about myself. But it did helped. It relieves me every time I get to see people's face. I do know that might not work on some of us, but that works on me. At times, I got jealous, you know, looking at moms smiling at their kids, couples holding hands and things like that, because they're so happy based on the looks on their face. But most of the time, I always blame my judgment that I forgot to realize there's always different side of every story.

Like who knows behind every smile, there's pain of failed marriage, or pain of broken family, or pain of losing someone or pain itself literally, from serious disease that the person might have.

And those survival smiles are really beautiful, indeed.

Since then, I learn to change my perception towards certain things. I know not all kind of pain can be avoided. But what is important for us human being is to accept things that frustrate us and turn them into lessons that teach us that this is life.

And this requires time, a lot of time, I agree. But once you're there, you'll taste the sweetest relief in the world. Just hold on to it. Have faith.

And that's another reason why God forbids suicide, because you won't feel the relief once you've done with the pain if you kill yourself before anything.

Make sense, right?

Bliss.

So far but yet so close.

:)

Gulp.

"Sesungguhnya tidaklah aku ingin menikah melainkan karena aku tidak ingin mati dalam keadaan agamaku ini setengah."- Mutiara Ummu Saffiyah

Hamek kau. Jauh tersasar kan niat yang sebenar?

Dah dekat dah ni. Dah dekat dah.

Yang blur tu Tok Kadi yang datang masa Ain nikah hari tu.

Kannnnnnnnnnn?

Kalau tak dapat Tok Imam, Tok Mudim. Tak dapat Tok Mudim, Tok Kadi pun okay.

(pengsan Kak Ikin japgi ni kang)

Abang tukang tangkap gambar ni macam tau tau je tsk tsk tsk.

Satu hari terkedu.

Have you ever been in a fight?

I am in one right now, with myself.

My heart says a thing, my mind says another. They don't really get along, in this particular matter.

It's like there are two parts in me. Part of it is reminding me about things with the simplest reasoning, instincts and feelings towards this.

While another says I've been through this phase before, and I've been seeing everyone doing it, so I got the influence from there, it's not really coming from my heart.

I am not happy with this, man. Really. This is sad, very sad. Really.

Selamat Hari Ayah!

This was during Raya 2009.

Happy Father's Day, Mohamed B. Omar.

No one could win over you in any competitions in my heart.

You are my hero, you are my savior.

I am so glad I am the ONLY daughter you have.

I might kill my sisters if I have any just to stay being your only one.

I don't want to share you with anyone else.

I love you, Ayah.

Okay la, I won't put my crush's name up in the title bar.

I just finished talking to my budak kecik, Alyaa.

And our conversation has risen up a question.

Do you dare to tell your crush that you're so into her/him?

Me?

Don't bother to ask. Chicken is my middle name.

Yes, I am afraid of rejection. It hurts like a little bitch.

And I have a very low self esteem.

You see, us Malays especially, we are so afraid of confrontations. And handling situations. I don't know whether its because of customs, or simply we just love to avoid.

A situation, I was really into this one guy, and he didn't know it. So I thought it would be nice if he liked me, too. So I confessed. It turned out the other way, he didn't like me, and has been avoiding me since.

(This is indeed a true story. To that guy; "You son of a bitch.")

Instead of telling me straight to my fugging face, he chose to run away. Very mature of him. But I don't blame him 100% because he might not want to hurt my feelings by saying no, so instead, keeping in silence might be the best way for everyone.

Though I choose to believe he ran away in disgust, told himself he deserved better.

Again. "You son of a bitch."

The thing is, you people should know that avoiding is not a polite right way to say no. Avoiding is like saying stupid things to person who you want to reject such as,

"No, eww, you're so ugly/fat/poor/gross/______ (your own selection of mean words)!"

in silence.

The right thing to do is create a civilized conversations, and tell him/her what you really feel. For example, "It's not that I don't like you, it's just I don't like you the same way you like me, you know." or maybe, "Dude, I have a girlfriend, you'd be better with someone else, not me, because if I two-time, that's not good for any of us, isn't it?" or things like that.

And no, don't give craps like "I don't know, I have to focus on my study." or "I don't think my mum would allow me to have bf/gf." because some excuses are just bullshits.

Reject like an adult, and you'll earn respect from that.

And yes, I'm still terrified of rejection, that horror feelings of people might not like me back just like what I've expected has been in my blood since forever.

I don't tell people that I like them. I'd rather keep it to myself, or to my friends only.

People might say, if I don't tell him that I like him, I might not know if he likes me too.

I don't care, because that, won't happen in 1000 years time.

Takut tak ternampak jalan Tuhan sebenarnya.

Aku lah manusia yang paling cepat hatinya berubah. Paling cepat sekali. Semuanya selalu separuh jalan. Jadi keadaan ini betul betul menimbulkan ketakutan.

Sebab, rasa insaf yang datang selalunya sekejap.

Dan rasa semangat yang datang selalunya tak lama.

Pelik kan?

Rasanya dah beratus kali hidayah datang, tapi sebab tak ikhlas, semua tak menjadi. Seratus kali dah aku cuba tapi hati tak pernah tetap.

Kau takut dengar ini? Aku yang rasa?

Tahu siapa yang ingkar maka neraka tempat menginap, dan siapa yang patuh maka syurga dijanji Tuhan, tapi punya lah susah nak sampai rasa taubat tu selagi tak dipukul, selagi tak diherdik, maka selagi itu aku duduk sedap tak buat apa apa langsung dalam dunia ni.

Tak tahu aku nak buat apa, tak tahu aku nak mula dari mana. Zalim dekat diri sendiri, itu aku tau, tetapi sombongnya aku dengan agama sendiri, Tuhan saja yang tahu.

Selalu cakap pasal kebaikan, pasal Tuhan sentiasa ada masa susah.

Tapi, marahnya Tuhan dekat aku sebab bercakap saja pandai, aku tak mampu nak bayangkan macamana keadaannya.

Seronok tengok kawan-kawan berubah ke arah kebaikan, syukur tak terhingga semua dah berpatah balik, tapi aku? Macam aku cakap, seronok sangat duduk tak berbuat apa di dalam dunia.

Bukan tak takut. Takut sangat-sangat kalau fikirkan, tetapi sebenarnya aku hairan, kenapa langsung tak bergerak anggota badan nak buat segala suruhan. Bukan nak tunggu betul-betul dirotan, tapi aku rasa macam hati aku dah buta.

Sumpah takut.

There's a reason why God invented pain.

"Could it be worse?" - Coldplay, Fix You

This song has never failed to remind me there's always something to hold onto whenever you feel like your life is on the edge. There's always something.

I always believe the theory of letting things go for its own good is actually giving them a chance to come back to us. No matter in what way they might come back. Because in the end, we all get what we deserve. No matter how hard life beats you, no matter how worse your journey ends up, and no matter how difficult people treat you, if you take those as chances to fix your own life, believe me, you have nothing to complain about in the next 20 years.

I know it's easy to say things when you don't feel the pain, but learn to play strong all along, you'll get used to it, sooner or later.

If you believe in qada' and qadar, you'll realize there's always hikmah behind every plan, then redha will become more ikhlas, and God will show you the way, InsyaAllah.

This post is for some of my closest friends, some of them are having a hard time at this particular moment. Should they know, there's always a reward for their patience.

Persatuan Perempuan Nakal.

I have two favorite siblings in the world. No, not the twins.

The older sister is my best friend, the younger one is the one I'd love to bully, but apparently I am the one who has always been bullied.

This is their picture.

The kakak is on the left, the adik is on the right.

Eating out with them, is awesome.

Bundle-hunting with them, is awesome.

Skype conferencing with them, is awesome.

Crap-talking with them, is super awesome.

Why settle for one best friend when you can make two out of the package?

They are my dolls.

Relatives and their useless presence.

"Grab somebody sexy tell them heyy,"

Yes, that song has been in my head for at least 2 weeks, and I can't get it out of my head. Nothing to do with the post, though.

Let me tell you a story about how I ended up hating my cousins on my father's side so much and how I prefer spending my lifetime with mine on my mother's side. So okay, let's start with my mother's side. She has 10 siblings, she's the sixth, so imagine how many cousins that I have around my real age? Plenty, but I am close to only four or five of them. We grew up together, we entered university together, we started working together. Catfights were there, we are only human, but we won't go to far from that. You know, when you cross the line and say things that you're not supposed to say. After all, we're good. Until now.

Let's move to my father's side. He's the second last of 14 siblings. He has a younger sister, who is one year younger than him. So relatives from my father's side, they kind of dislike my mother, on certain reasons, I suppose. Because one, my mother is 11 years younger than my father, two, she's from Kuala Lumpur, and I don't know why has that become a problem, first thing first.

So okay, I do have cousins my age, or maybe older and younger few years than me. I don't know, maybe it was their close-mindedness, or maybe because the educational gap between us, or maybe they think there's no use to like me or just simply whatever, caused something like a thin line that limit our relationship to exist. I don't talk much, I don't go out from house, I don't smile often, and I don't say hi to them. So yeah, maybe that's the reason why we don't favor each other.

Anyway, there's a story between me and my aunt's (father's sister) sons.

There are three of them. All are older than me. When we're reaching puberty, entering our teenage life, we stopped talking. I just don't know why. Last time I saw them, was three or four years ago. And nothing came out from our mouth, even though we're standing in front of each other.

What I hate the most is when we no longer talk, they, yes they, started to say things.

I remember when we went back to kampung, when I was like 14 or 15, back then we haven't move to Batu Pahat yet, so yes, there they were, as expected because it was Raya time. The first thing I heard came out from the eldest mouth was "Macam bohsia." in front of my mum as we shook hands. I may consider his rudeness if it was only me who had to listen to it, but in front of my mother? I don't share blood relationship with an asshole. So from that moment, they are the ones that are prohibited in my life. If ever anything happened that might involve family as a matter of fact, I don't think they have my sincere invitation to step into my life, or even my house.

They are simply not my relative anymore.

Last two weeks, they came back and stayed at my another aunt's house, which I didn't get to see them. But knowing that they were there, I told myself one thing, do not ever let go the opportunity to smash one's face whenever you get the chance to do it.

But yes, to punch them faces now is kinda irrational. So I'll just wait till next time.

So yes, having difficulties with your relatives is not something you look forward to in life, but I don't know, life happens like what it is supposed to be. If it meant to be for me not being closer to my father's relative, then its okay, at least I still survive not depending on them.

Sounds selfish, but yes, its what my heart saying.

Doing surveys is fun.

Out of 100, see how many random stuff that go around my life.

1. I woke up in the afternoon today.
2. I have at least three picture frames in my room.
3. My trash can is full.
4. I love snow globes, but I’d never buy one.
5. I use my regular phone more than my cell phone.
6. I’m single, but I don’t want to be.
7. My hair is not layered.
8. I hate the term “best friend,” but I use it anyway.
9. I get along with my mum more than my dad.
10. I like making beaded bracelets.
11. I’ve never run for class president/treasurer, etc.
12. Most of my friends are white.
13. I have over 150 CDs in my collection.
14. I would rather listen to the radio than CDs.
15. I own whiteout, but I barely ever use it.
16. I’m very shy until you get to know me.
17. Some take my shyness as being mean/rude.
18. Most people probably don’t understand me.
19. I have a very random sense of humor.
20. I do not consider myself attractive.
21. I feel that I’m more mature than most people my age.
22. But not all the time.
23. I used to pick my nose and wipe it on the wall.
24. I’d rather be cold than hot.
25. I always wait for that one person to sign on.
26. I’m probably online too much for my own good.
27. I am trying to lose weight and it’s not working out very well.
28. I own a LOT of chapstick. A LOT.
29. I love to buy paper… but I barely use it.
30. I write in my paper journal once a day or more.
31. I am an American, yet I find them annoying.
32. I’ve used binoculars the wrong way before.
33. I’m thirsty, but I can’t be bothered to go get something.
34. One of my best friends is that of the opposite sex.
35. Sometimes I feel really, really sorry for myself.

36. My stomach hurts a little bit right now.

37. Other times I feel really, really lucky.

38. I have a friend (or more) who creeps me out.
39. I have more than one shelf up in my room.
40. It’s sunny out today.
41. I don’t have a car.
42. I’m very picky with food.
43. I have a hard time with directions.
44. I am a little bit obsessive compulsive.
45. I talk to myself in the mirror sometimes.
46. I don’t have that many DVDs yet.
48. I feel very sick if a movie is gory.
49. I have a lot in common with my best friend.
50. I believe in the theory that opposites attract.
51. I’ve liked someone who is at least four years older than me.
52. I’ve started a fire/explosion in the microwave oven before.
53. I’m worried that one of my pets will die soon.
55. Never been THAT drunk, but it might be kinda fun.
56. Sometimes I act drunk even when I’m not.
57. It annoys me when people chew loudly.
58. And breathe loudly.
59. And click their pens like crazy.
60. I enjoy bold surveys, mostly ‘cause I have no life.
61. I’d rather have a popsicle than popcorn.
62. I’d rather do laundry than the dishes.
63. Someday, I will go to England.
64. I’d rather be in a dark room than a bright one.
65. My alarm clock annoys me very, very much.
66. When I was younger, I went to summer school for fun.
67. I was made fun of in middle school.
68. I’ve never eaten sushi and never will.
69. I remember where I was when I first learned to whistle.
70. If Barney is on TV, I will still sit there and watch.
71. MySpace is annoying, but I’m pretty much addicted to it.
72. I hAtE iT wHeN pPl TyPe LyK dIs!!!
73. When I talk to my crush, I get too excited.
74. People have told me that I’m sexy before.
75. I never believe it when they do.
76. I love to write, but whenever I start something new I can’t finish it.
77. I love to read.
78. If I lay down and watch TV, I end up falling asleep.
79. I absolutely LOVE riding my bike.
80. I love to play badminton, but I don’t play often.
81. I have never been on a sports team before.
82. I’m in at least one advanced placement class.
83. I’m in the class of 2013.
84. Jacuzzis and hot tubs are very relaxing.
85. I have stood up and done something else during this survey.
86. I space out a lot.
87. I’ve made a shelf in a store collapse before.
88. I’m a big crybaby, and I know it.
89. I wouldn’t mind having a ferret for a pet.
90. I love to watch home videos.
91. I miss my childhood and wish I could go back.
92. I’d rather brush my teeth normally than use an electric toothbrush.
93. Dippin’ Dots are good.
94. I feel like I’m more confident than I used to be.
95. My friends come to me for advice often.
96. I’ve had over five significant others in my lifetime.
97. I have cheated on one or more of them before.
98. Last year’s math class was completely useless.
99. I hate the fact that I’m growing up. I don’t want to.
100. I miss a lot of my old friends, but not all of them

32 out of 100. Guess I am not that random anyway. Have a nice day. :D

2014

Benda paling aku benci dalam dunia bila rasa sayu terselit setiap kali bila jawab soalan-soalan sensitif.

Aku bukan hipokrit, tak nak orang tahu aku sedih. Aku nak orang tahu aku terasa, tersentak dalam hati, cuma entah, tak terkeluar perkataan-perkataan dalam hati. Yang meluru cuma yang dalam otak je.

"Lu orang dah cop setiap tahun, rilek la, 2014 tu lama lagi kot."

2014 tu pun kalau cukup semua syaratnya.

Dan kalau lah sempat mak bapak aku masih ada.

Kalau lah aku pun masih bernyawa.

Itu lah benda yang aku lupa nak ingatkan kau. Kalau nak tau, itu bukti bodoh aku untuk hari ini.

Islam vs Muslims

First of all, I am not going to put any references in this post, relating to the topic that I am going to discuss here. Not that I am scared I am going to be smashed back, but I believe it is good not to point my finger to people, which happens to be my topic for today.

I am a God's servant who is full of wrongs myself, arrogant, and ignorant. Therefore, I am not the right person to value the verdict.

This is actually a matter pertaining to Muslims, and their ineffective ways of preaching. I've seen a lot of Muslims, regardless of their level of piousness, failed to preach or counsel other Muslims appropriately, in terms of verbal communication, as well as body language. Especially us Malays.

For example,

"Sesiapa yang memakai _______, sesungguhnya ianya kelihatan sungguh jijik dan hina seperti perempuan ________ . "

And as for body language, almost all of us have once, maybe more, received this one kind of special look from other people, especially from people who dressed well enough to be understood as religious people.

Things like that.

Sure everyone has own stance, and my stance is, I know I commit sins, everyday, but are you sure enough that kind of preach would direct me to the right path, or at least help me to change myself to be a better person? I don't think so.

Why would this kind of people try to offer faith when they failed to portray the faith that they have in other Muslims? Maybe some of you would claim, positive efforts have been done long time before, they just didn't give positive feedbacks, but now the same question again, will this kind of efforts help?

I don't know, I don't see this helping, not even a bit. It would just bring up prejudices, fitnah, as well as false judgments.

Look at this two examples;

I went to the most Islamic University in Malaysia for my undergraduate studies, there are so many rules that are amended based on Islamic rules, such as covering aurah and all that. The ones that were caught breaking the rules, are going to be compounded, worst, expelled.

I have friends who can be considered as "near" to the religion, but never judge me for what I am, yes, they never failed to fulfill their responsibility to preach me, it is their patience and faith that actually counts.

And yes, friends of mine are the ones who have hit me with the bigger impact in changing lanes, not the authoritative rules themselves, in a good way, anyways. Expected? I am only a normal human being.

I don't feel violated as a Muslim, because I admit I myself am vile to my own religion, but it is sad seeing this because it forces me to feel scared of other fellow Muslims, not Allah S.W.T Himself.

However, it is human nature to blame. I myself blame people for things that have affected me. But no, I do blame them with good level of judgment, not stupidity. Yes, God balance us through our deeds and akhlak, but He never forgets to balance us all, regardless our level of iman, no one can escape.

Don't get me wrong here, this has nothing to do with politics. That, is just bullshit.

Social experiment often upsets me.

There are actually two things I am about to say today. Here goes the first one.

____________________________________________________________________

Big talk always comes from a small person. Not physically, but you know what I mean.

Yes, you might say it is how you motivate yourself, but please, don't you think it would annoy people after all? You're so full on the outside, yet failed to hide that you're actually empty on the inside. And that's not good for your health.

Don't forget to look at where you're standing man. Don't forget to do that before you start bragging about yourself. Don't get so comfortable saying things that make you look good where you actually have nothing to offer anyway. Don't be an attention seeker. It is rather sad.

Because people know who you really are. Because people know how big your talk is and how small your penis/vagina is.

You go around telling people you have all the confidence in the world that you'd be fine by your own yet you are actually scared to face the world alone. No, it's not a right thing to do. The right thing to do is you do good things to yourself without telling people you're doing so. Or at least you don't go hoping for people to look at you while you're doing those good things. That is called pretending, if you're still clueless with what the hell am I talking here about.

Talk smart, man.

You don't have to impress other people, the only person you have to give good impressions is you.

And one more thing, don't go bitching about your friends, behind their back, especially the ones who have helped to pick up your shits when you have no one else you can turn to. It's pathetically unethical. And irresponsible.

____________________________________________________________________

The awkward moment when you realize your friends no longer want to be your friends,

is the moment where you begin to think about whatever your fault is, and I can't find mine.

Like I said before, I am tired of drama, bitch. I am tired of knowing this without any notifications. So if you want to stop being my friends, don't leave me hanging like a motherfucker, there. Just say it straight to my face, say "You're stupid, I don't want to be your friend, anymore." or maybe "You're not reaching my standards, we shouldn't be friends." Which I believe would be easier for us.

When you leave me there, without knowing what did I do to you, it's going to lead to an unfinished business between us, and I don't want that, I don't want to be burned in hell because of you, if you know what I mean. So, if you have anything against me that stopped you from being my friends, let me know hell details about that.

And after things are settled, it's up to you to live your fucking life without me being in it, I don't give a fuck. Why would I want to be your friend if you don't want me being yours?

Give me credit for having self-love, please. I just want to be fair to myself.