My childhood was really a nightmare.

This is what I looked like when I was a kid. BERSEPAH.

Mati-mati aku ingatkan aku comel.

Senyum dan kiraannya.

Senyum ada banyak jenis.

Ikhlas, satu.

Terpaksa, dua.

Hormat, tiga.

Manis ada makna, empat.

Bahagia juga gembira, lima.

Tanda setuju, enam.

Yang ketujuhnya, senyum sembunyi luka.

Mana satu kamu punya?

Aku?

Tiada di atas.

Semuanya senyum tanpa makna.

Mengapa?

Kosong itu sukar. Benar.

Betina.

Maka masa yang dihabiskan di Batu Pahat selain daripada masuk hospital, FB, dan makan adalah buat album kucing.

Oh ye, dekat rumah ada seekor kucing. Aku pun tak sure kenapa nama dia Betina. Betina je. Simple. Betina. Takde Comel, Lucky, Abigail atau apa lain nama yang standard standard tu kan. Rilek je nama dia Betina. Betina bt Mohamed.

Sekarang dia bergalak nak laki, asal malam je huru hara, asal malam je merengek. Marah aku. Manja tahap mintak lempang. Tanak tidur atas lantai, nak tidur atas katil. Tak minum air masak, minum susu je cibai aku kecik kecik pun tak manja cenggitu.

Suka meleseh, dan buat muka ketat bila orang tak layan. Aku selalu dengki, dia datang aku tolak, datang sekali lagi angkat, julang tinggi tinggi pastu gigit telinga. Oh yes, I am pengotor like that!

Sila nikmati gambar-gambar Betina di bawah. Mungkin kalau ada kucing perempuan lagi lepas ni nama dia Sundal pulak. Siapa tahu?

Cubaan makan kerepek pisang. Gagal. Sebab takde jari dan kerepek pisang keras.

Okay tak dapat dari dalam plastik, rebut dari mulut orang. Cenggini punya kucing pun mak aku sayang lagi. Haih.

Memang ikut muka Puan Shikin betul dia ni. Saling tak tumpah.

Okay, kelas tusyen belajar main judi dari pukul 8.30 malam sampai pukul 11. Boleh dah kalau nak masuk Olimpik acara judi.

Tengok TV cerita Ahmad Durrah. Macam ke paham.

Ah, bukan selalu nak dengki tuan. Makan wayar laptop dia tengok boleh kenyang ke tak.

Bosan kelas judi. Masuk kelas menaip lah pulak.

Girl is ready to fuck things up!

Hoi, jatuh cinta lah aku dengan perut kau.

Tapi tiba part kau panggil aku kakak, rasa nak tempeleng pun ada.

Peace!

As I was chatting with Nora just now, I just realized that one of the reasons why I love blogging is I just love to write, instead of telling people about how I feel.

You know, it's just a waste of time, I am one stubborn bitch, I never want to hear other people's opinion, advice or whatshit. And those opinions, and advices would only cause disagreement, and disputes. Because I am standing on my own the whole time.

I no longer feel that I need people to hear me screaming, or whining about things I can't get. The thing is, I no longer feel that I need people to do anything for me, at all. Because they were never there, actually. And they are not going to be there, ever.

But I do appreciate my family and friends, though. They're the best.

And yes, I thought that would be the best. Life is better when our mouth is shut.

Semak otak lah dengan kau.

Kalau tak suka, kau blah sudah. Kau simpan lagi buat apa? Macam babi.

Tuan Puteri Blackout

So that's my new nickname.

Spending hours in government hospital is worse than fighting with death, I must say. That's the last place on earth I would let myself be at.

So yes, I was in the emergency room, half-conscious, failed to open my eyes. But really, if let say I have energy that time, I could have slapped all the Malay MAs, they're so rude. More dissapointing, only those Malay bastards acted like that. Now I'm being racist to my own race, but the hell I don't care. People pay tax, so they deserve to be treated equally. And that is not anyone's problem if those fucktards receive low salary so they can do their job carelessly or half-heartedly.

This issue is quite common when it comes to government hospital and people who work there. I've faced this kind of shit when I was 17, no way I'm not going to get medical treatment at government hospital anymore.

I'd rather die at home.

And don't let me start with UIA's clinical services.

Junko Faruta

I cried while reading this. Literally.

I've put this on my Tumblr, my FB, and putting it on my blog as well.

Reading this are not going to give us normal people pleasure, I must say, I can't stop thinking about this.

Try to imagine you're in her place. Even just for a day.

This is the story of Junko Furuta, a 17 year old girl who was held captive by 4 teenagers.

DAY 1: November 22, 1988:Kidnapped
Kept captive in house, and posed as one of boy’s girlfriend
Raped (over 400 times in total)
Forced to call her parents and tell them she had run away
Starved and malnutritioned
Fed cockroaches to eat and urine to drink
Forced to masturbate
Forced to strip in front of others
Burned with cigarette lighters
Foreign objects inserted into her vagina/anus

DAY 11: December 1, 1988:Severely beat up countless times
Face held against concrete ground and jumped on
Hands tied to ceiling and body used as a punching bag
Nose filled with so much blood that she can only breath through her mouth
Dumbbells dropped onto her stomach
Vomited when tried to drink water (her stomach couldn’t accept it)
Tried to escape and punished by cigarette burning on arms
Flammable liquid poured on her feet and legs, then lit on fire
Bottle inserted into her anus, causing injury

DAY 20: December10, 1989:

Unable to walk properly due to severe leg burns
Beat with bamboo sticks
Fireworks inserted into anus and lit
Hands smashed by weights and fingernails cracked
Beaten with golf club
Cigarettes inserted into vagina
Beaten with iron rods repeatedly
Winter; forced outside to sleep in balcony
Skewers of grilled chicken inserted into her vagina and anus, causing bleeding

DAY 30:Hot wax dripped onto face
Eyelids burned by cigarette lighter
Stabbed with sewing needles in chest area
Left nipple cut and destroyed with pliers
Hot light bulb inserted into her vagina
Heavy bleeding from vagina due to scissors insertion
Unable to urinate properly
Injuries were so severe that it took over an hour for her to crawl downstairs and use the bathroom
Eardrums severely damaged
Extreme reduced brain size

DAY 40:Begged her torturers to “kill her and get it over with”

January 1, 1989:Junko greets the New Years Day alone
Body mutilated
Unable to move from the ground

DAY 44: January 4, 1989:The four boys beat her mutilated body with an iron barbell, using a loss at the game of Mah-jongg as a pretext. She is profusely bleeding from her mouth and nose. They put a candle’s flame to her face and eyes.

Then, lighter fluid was poured onto her legs, arms, face and stomach, and then lit on fire. This final torture lasted for a time of two hours.

Junko Furuta died later that day, in pain and alone. Nothing could compare 44 days of suffering she had to go through.

When her mother heard the news and details of what had happened to her daughter, she fainted. She had to undergo a psychiatric outpatient treatment . Imagine her endless pain.

Her killers are now free men. Justice was never served, not even after 20 years.

And this, is beyond sick. This is fucked up.

Bitch Beat

So okay, some people are really really selfish, the only thing they care about is how to save their own ass. So lets say, when you're trapped in one situation, particularly not a good one, which clearly caused by you,

you, as referring to this kind of people, have the tendency to twist back the stories, just to make sure you are not the one who should be blame. And then, blame other people like it's not their fault. The hell is happening to people nowadays?

I don't know, this must be some kind of desperation.

I don't have time to enjoy this kind of entertainment. Seriously, I am allergic to Drama. Please. If you want to find something you want to play with, please don't choose fire you'll end up burnt. If you are an emotional/disturbed person, please believe they are millions of less-fortunates in this world compared to you. If you think living around me would only cause mess, please get the hell out of here.

I never give a damn about other people who'd never give any damn about me.

Oh please, I envy you... NOT. No I don't want your boyfriend neither I want anything from you.

Menggelabah tetek.

From pride to shame, aye?

Mampos muka kau.

Optimism

Just got back from Genting Highland spending time with friends, and a pair of twins was in the rombongan. They are delicious I wouldn't mind having threesome with them both.

Enough bout that. So I haven't slept yet, it's almost 10 am. Weird thing is, I am feeling all optimist, too optimist I can't shut my eyes. I don't know why but I am feeling edgy, and feel like smiling all the time.

Well I asked Ijat, Sheima and Ajie last night, would they still befriend with me if I am not as funny, as bubbly, as easy as I am right now at this moment? What would happen if all-this-while pessimism is portrayed on my face?

But they didn't answer me. I know I am awesome. And 'yakin' is my middle name.

So yes, as I said, hatred somehow won't change a thing. But I do hate people. I hate people because they hate me. When I hate people, I often set a distance from them. Because eventually, you'll see the difference, the awkwardness. And it brought us to the exception of losing people. There is nothing bad for losing people who you think no longer worth any of your attention, or even your love. Because they don't need them.

So yes, positivity kicks crappy emotions' butt.

Gadis semasa tak semasa tak sangat la.

As I smoking SKL that actually tastes like some cheap mint sweets I don't know why I bought it in the first place anyway, I can't help but think when to start flirting again. It's been almost five years without even a single try. Oh, pardon my hormones. It's time, anyways.

I haven't tried anything, something like that, I don't know why. Never a guy came to me, and show his interest in me. That's just that. I am old fashioned, I don't know how to like, "Hey man, you caught my attention, lets be friends and we'll see how its going to be from there." That's just ridiculous.

I don't know, being single all this while, it's not that I don't want relationship, it's just the opportunity is never there. Heard few talks to calm my shit down, like, "Chill lah, there is someone out there, just for you." or "God created human kind in pair, so your turn will come eventually." and many more.

As for right now I may not be ready yet to have, you know, boyfriend, or lover, but what will happen in the future if this will continue for the hell long time? Like my cousin, Lye, she broke up with her boyfriend on the New Year Eve, and she said this to my mum,

"Sekosong-kosong air masak, kosong lagi hati Muni."

Try to feel that, for five years long.

I am confused. I am the only human being who is confused with what she actually wants in a relationship, I think. At one time, I really want it so bad, but in a snap of fingers, I don't want it at all. How la deyy?

Had a conversation with Nora today, we talked about her friend, a special friend. It made me so jealous mak oi. Jeles nak mampos. It has nothing to do with she has that, and I want that, too,

but I am fucking dry.

He, who must not be named.

Hanging out with old crush, ahem?

Yesterday I went to Bukit Jalil, to look for them Skinheads, oh Skinheads are damn sexy, manggg. So yes, I went there for Perhimpunan Skuter Kebangsaan. So with intention of sightseeing, and catching up with friends, so me, Ajie and Nora went there. There were my friends bringing their Vespa(s) from Johor. One of them is my cousin's ex, and one of them is my OLD CRUSH.

Hanging out with this man brings back memories. His girlfriend used to attack me on FB for fuck's sake. I guess I shouldn't randomly tell any occupied guy that I like him next time.

There's something different in this guy. Not like any other lad. Oh, apart from keep forgetting to delete my text messages in his phone and his SUPER OLD girlfriend happened to find out about it, he's darn cool. Not shallow and vain like any other guy, he's down to earth. He's my movie boyfriend, he's there when I need a person to talk to, and he's yeah, he got that super sexy belly I die!

But no, we only meant to be friends.

Even seeing him sends butterflies in my stomach.

Awesome kids, and awesome games.

Life has been quite depressing and uninspirational lately, so I've been looking for entertainment. I moved to Kelana Jaya already, and yesterday I brought Ijat, Ajie and Santos to enjoy the indulgence (wrong use of word? whatever.) of the Olympic-sized swimming pool that can be seen from my 9th floor window. But unfortunately, we swam for like fifteen minutes because we didn't wear the swimming attire, so we were halau-ed by Pak Guard.

So okay, later after that, we went for Karaoke nearby, in SS2, but motherfuckingly, the rate is darn expensive, RM30 per head. We went off, not knowing what to do, we later decided to play bowling. With me and my maxi dress, and kapal selam-seized bowling shoes, throw the balls like chicken. To bad for Ajie, she had to squat and rolled the balls, I think it's maybe because they're too heavy she might break her bones. But damn hell kelakar. And yes, I won second place, beat Ijat for like one point difference, so we agreed to repeat the match. And of course Santos won the first, bragged about it of course with model-poses for like a few minutes.

Here comes the best part, we continued with pool, I used to play pool couple of times, with Nana, Ain and Akub. And Ajie and Ijat, both can't play, really can't. And then lots of screaming, and laughing. We even rolled under the pool table laughing our ass off. Freaking hilarious. Both girls really suck at pool. Suck till you can't even stop laughing seeing them play.

And then, we went to Rasta and stayed there until 3am, shared ghost stories, pontianak, langsuir, balan-balan and all that. We're always fascinated with this supernatural things. Nice isn't it. Planning to go ghost hunting later before I start working again. Hik hik. Can't wait.

So they sent me back at almost 4am. Last night was really good, manggg. I love this company. Awesome Ijat, Cheeky Ajie, and Funny Santos. We wasted our time gracefully. And I don't even have to brag about it, about having fun with friends here and there. But yeah, last night was real awesome. Really wish Sheima and Hazeman were there.

To the future me, try to pool as often as you can. It's really fun. If you want, you can make a career out of it. Kidding. Stupid.

Okay, off to sleep already. Tired of doing nothing this whole day, and my English sucks. Later.

Joy of hideous skin, frizzy hair and tons of fat.

Everyone is heartbroken, at this moment.

Is it a trend?

Or am I now, feeling-less?

For he's a jolly good fellow, there's nobody can deny.

two thousand eleven.

2011.

I've made this resolution of not having any resolution whenever new year is approaching. It's good to have one actually, but things always ended up not to be the way they're expected to be. And me myself, resolutions are not strong enough to move me. Which lead to the things mentioned earlier.

Let's go back to few weeks ago, the period of this blog's abandonment. As expected, I finished my contract. It's supposed to end by January, but they didn't want to approve my leave, so I've decided to finish it early. And no I'm jobless, and yes, a punk.

So, right after the contract ended, I went to Langkawi to follow Puan Shikin and her motivational program and so and so, but I just stayed in the hotel room, watching TV with Cik Mat. Nothing much on Langkawi, same old, same old. Bought a carton of SKL for just RM38, that's probably the main reason why should I move there. Oh, Kedah thrift shops are just bad ass, everything is only RM1, I'd rather die in that bunch of clothes.

From Langkawi, we traveled to Cameron Highland, for 2A Family Day, it was awesome, apart from the weather, everything was really nice. And I took no bath for three days straight, what an achievement! We played family games, and karaoke and all that in the daylight, and cousins gathered in girls room to play cards. And as always, lots of screaming, evil laughter, and cursing done. Talking cousins, know what I mean?

And then continued following Puan Shikin program, just to stay in the hotel room, though it was held in KL, just can't let the aircond go. But I was appointed as a nurse, when Lye and Puan Shikin caught in fever.

When all finished, la familia went back to Batu Pahat, and God now I miss my mum terribly. It was so long ago since I spent my time with my Mum and Dad for a good long time. And I now already moved to Kelana Jaya, with Lye and her friends. New apartment got swimming pool, I've been bragging about it for almost two weeks now.

It was a good end and beginning of two years. But yes, I don't really celebrate new year, I think it's all the same. I have nothing to bring forward from last year to this year. It was a good year, not a very good one, though, but I've learned. Stupid feelings and failed relationships taught me a lot. And so I am not really ready with this new year, but I'm sure it will be an okay one. A year is just a year, it is how you bring yourself to the life matters the most. Nonetheless, I really look forward to leave all things behind except for some people who believe I am worth to keep. Because they are the cover of my new book for this new year.

I am sorry for leaving you behind, blog. I've been busy doing nothing, like I said. But now I'm back, still doing nothing. Till then.

Btw, there's a lot of photos, but I don't believe people can read well though images nowadays and I am too lazy to upload them.