Mungkin aku tidak akan berpeluang untuk mandi junub.

Hi.

Weekend was so productive.

1. Went to PD to see my parents with The Crazies. We spent one night there.
2. Participated in Poetry Cup with Hazeman as a duo. We won the third prize.



But it's not what I wanted to talk about.

One of my friends told me one thing, the night we're celebrating our winning.

He said, something like this, during our talk about things, particularly about me,


"Pa, based on my observation, the reason why guys never think about making you their special one is probably because they're too comfortable whenever they're with you. You're every-guy's-best-friend; you're the funny guy in the group. So guys don't see you as a girl they want to be with as their partner, but more as their close friend."







I am deadly frustrated. Because I thought guys would go for funniness. Because I thought guys would aware although I love jokes and love to make one, I am not a clown. Because I thought guys would at least know I have feelings too.


I am deadly frustrated. Because he's so fucking right.

Orbituary

Dear Yna,

Hi, it's me, Syfa.

I'm writing to you again. I hope you're somewhere near me, because I have no one I could possibly turn to. Yes, my friends are still there, but you know, somehow, verbal communication might not work best at this moment.


So, last resort, you. I hope you're doing okay up there. I'm so sorry I haven't write you a note for quite long time. It's not that I don't remember you, but been busy with work and social life. I'll try to make some space for you in the future.


Yna,

Remember when we sing 'The Reason' over the phone, and we cried, because it's our song, because the meaning is too deep to dedicate it to someone but we managed to make it our own song? I miss that feelings.

Remember whenever we meet at almost every end of the week, and you hugged me like we haven't seen each other for years, that tight hug I can even feel your heartbeat? I miss that too.


And the best part of all, remember whenever we giggle together when I told you about my crushes, and you went hundred times of 'Awwh, sweeet!' just to make me feel good about it? That's what I miss the most.





If only I can change the fact that I didn't get the chance to kiss your forehead right before you're sent down underground.




AlFatihah.

Whaddefak mang?

Gua dapat rasakan bakal terjadi situasi-situasi yang tak berapa patut dalam masa terdekat ni. Sebelum gua terpuruk rasa ingin mati macam Aizat, baik sesiapa yang berdekatan selamatkan gua.


Karang kalau ranap sekali lagi, kan masalah. Takkan nak jumpa doktor mintak ubat stress lagi.





Penat bodo jadi saiko. Lu orang ingat tak penat ke?

Tak payah nak bangang sangat pun takpe kot. :)

Aku tak pernah pandang rendah pada manusia-manusia yang lain orientasi seksualnya.

Mungkin sebab aku ada kawan-kawan sebegitu.


Tapi kalau kau takde kawan-kawan yang macamgitu pun, takde siapa ajar kau untuk kurang ajar dengan orang lain. Takpe kalau kau memang tak suka. Orang lain pun belum tentu suka kau.


Tapi tu lah, jangan gurau kasar tak bertempat. Terutama sekali kalau orang lain tu kau tak kenal langsung, dari hati budi, ke sifat perangai.



Tak kira lah kau pandai macamana pun, belajar tinggi langit pun, ambil kos-kos hebat gah atau apa jenis kos sekali nenek kau suruh ambil pun,



tapi kalau kau bodoh adab, bengap ilmu komunikasi, bangang tak tahu jaga sensitiviti orang lain, maka sia-sia lah pandai kau tu.




Kurang ajar. Takkan lah pendidikan moral "Jangan buat sampai self-esteem orang lain jatuh merudum" pun nak kena orang ajar. Pernah sekolah ke tak pernah?


Hilang 'lelaki' kau. Benda yang berayun dekat kau tu pun entah ada fungsi ke tak.


Dekat luar, beria-ia lah mengejek sana, menganjing sini. Balik rumah tiba-tiba kau dapat tau ayah kau ke atuk kau ke, gay. Tak meresahkan ke keadaan tu?


Perikemanusiaan tu penting, budak. Tapi kau balik check kamus dulu, in case kau tak tau apa maksud perkataan tu.



Harap sekolah je empat tingkat, bangang selaut. Hish.

Most importantly, it's Ain and Nana that I really miss.

I begin to miss the memories back in college time.

Waking up lazily in the morning, attending the classes half-heartedly, and rating the boys that were passing in front of us -Nana, Ain, me- and tiru-ing during quizzes. Not during real exams or even midterm because I was pile of chicken-shits. I was scared to do so.


But what I really miss are karipaps and teh ais during lectures, lying on Ain's bed, laughing and joking around the night before final exams, manual registration, Ain and Nana's craps about diet and exercising, gathering during lunchbreak, ciggie-time at Sungai Pusu, and assignments' deadline.


Not to forget, stalking Indonesian classmates.



Dying to re-live in this phase.

LY Fucking M

Hello to you, you, you and you. Let me share with you about my own LYM, oh it stands for Lelaki Yang Mustahil. So these are the criteria of LYM;


LYMs are seasonal.

LYMs can be anyone, can be my best friend, can be a total stranger.

LYMs tend to hurt me in the end of the phase; they break my heart without knowing it.

LYMs possess the same characteristic; calm on the surface, but chaos in the inside.

LYMs don't usually consider me as a 'something' in their life, let alone to make me part of it.

LYMs don't have to impress me to make me fall for their charm.

LYMs drive me to madness, by doing nothing.

LYMs are not necessarily good looking; I prefer the one that comes with soul, or at least brain that can function well, or rubbish that makes real sense.


The most important is;

LYMs are deadly impossible. That's why they were given such name.


I have one, at the moment. But I bet it is going to be the same like before. Because miracle never happen, in this context.

But I still believe in myself. If not, I may not be able to survive living boyfriend-less for almost 5 years. Not even a flirt. Pathetic much? You tell me.

Point of sharing: nothing.


Childish infatuation? Perhaps.


Useless dreams and hopes?
Maybe.



And so certain people cannot accept the fact that I am not a robot.


But it is one thing I believe they have forgotten, that I am Alice, in my own Wonderland.

sebenarnya aku terbawa-bawa dengan diri sendiri ni.

Aku baru selesai stalk satu blog,

Aku memang sengaja cari blog ni, sebab memang nak stalk, lepastu gelakkan sepupu aku.

Mari kita cerita tentang sepupu aku, kita namakan dia F. Certain nama khas akan dirahsiakan, bagi mengelak daripada perhatian umum walaupun harus lah F ni tahu tak lama lagi tengok lah mesti aku kena maki.

She’s 18 this year; just finished school and currently doing foundation to further her study. As we’re not that close back when I was still in UIA and she was in her boarding school phase, (whatever ah, banyak sangat tukar sekolah, aku pening entah mana satu nama sekolah dia yang betul) we’re kind of getting closer after that, after she finished school and I’ve completed my degree.

So aku selalu pancing-pancing cerita dari dia, because knowing this girl, she’s a bit secretive. Maybe it is because she has no other sibling, so sharing, is maybe a bit tough for her then. So okay, but we always bullied her, me and Lye especially, sebab dia budak kecik antara kitorang. And all she can do is, tarik rambut kitorang, and jerit. HAHA buruk perangai amoi ni. Okay, berbalik tentang aku pancing-pancing dia ada boyfriend ke tak, dia akan jawab,

“A___ kan gay!” like thousand times. Sekali memang macam kelakar, masuk kali ketiga rasa nak tarik rambut dia pulak jadikan penyapu. Geram doh bila aku tanya tanak jawab. Pastu dia ada cakap lah jugak, her friends macam gossip gossipkan dia dengan kawan dia, which I happened to stalk, through her FB. Ahahaha, naluri stalker aku memang bersepah di mana-mana.

I often post things on her FB wall lah kan, so I saw this boy did the same. SO hari ini aku dengan semangat wajanya, pergi carik, carik, carik, geledah, selongkar, and pura-pura busy di office padahal aku sibuk melakukan usaha pencarian,

AKU JUMPA THIS BOY'S BLOG! AHA!

Makanya aku pun mula lah stalk. Sumpah nak gelak, bukan kelakar, tapi macam innocently comel doh, bila this boy macam head over heels dengan seorang perempuan, which I assume si F ni lah, because he mentioned her name in one (actually many, and I believe that out of his awareness, those are hints) of his posts. So I assume, it is her he’s falling for.

Tapi aku rasa masalahnya si F ni sebenarnya adalah tumbuh-tumbuhan. Macam tak bergerak apa pun. AHAHA. Or maybe, there are things happening out of me knowing, so biarkan ah keadaan itu, I shall brainwash her when I get to see her, this Raya. Tetiba nak jadi Dr Love apahal kan?

So let’s get back to this boy’s blog. Awwh, awwh, awwh. Comel gilaaaa. It’s comel, -I don't want to use cute, macam off sikit ah, and comel, we know the real context :)- when you are screaming your lungs out just to get the girl you want, he was screaming his lungs out, because he can’t do actions, maksudnya macam buat benda-benda sweet nak kasi perempuan ni suka jugak dekat dia, sebab he himself mentioned that he’s a shy person, he can’t afford to confront and tell the person what he feels. So I don’t know if he’s using any other medium as well (text messaging, FB or whatevershit) or the blog alone, to let the girl know.

And implying his stories to another version, or to be specific, to change the characters’ name into sang monyet, sang hamster semua tu, is fucking cute! Sumpah, because he writes innocently, I can’t see anything off about his writing; I admit it’s kind of cheesy, but hell, he has his own way to express feelings, kan? He’s just 18, he may not know a lot about the world, but that is one of the cutest ways to pull a girl towards him. Sweet sangat budak ni.

Comel gilaaaa bodooo! Teringat zaman umur aku 18 tahun, comel jugak. Comel sampai nak gantung diri dekat kipas.

And I shall wait for the feedback from the reader from Penang I am about to get. :P

PostScript: Aku memang suka cerita cinta versi kanak-kanak tapi tak kanak-kanak sangat lah. Kenapa entah.

The depression was killed by the perfect nutters, I am now fineee!

A bunch of 24 hours happy people and shitty life: A perfect balance.

Being depressed somehow introduces you to distortion.

I am difficult, that can’t be denied. But as I talked to my friends last night, I come with one conclusion;

Everyone lacks in very different ways no matter how perfect they think they are.

I talked so much but later got me thinking, our perception towards others somehow blinded by our own reasoning and feelings. The more we question about others, the more we reveal our weaknesses. That’s what I believe so far.

There’s always rationale behind every difficulty faced by people. To live with it, people have no choice other than to accept it as their disadvantage. Hence, we are shaped by our own perspective towards our disadvantages in order to suit our life around people. People play their role, to like or to hate, but in the end it is us who are going to deal with it.

Let’s make my condition as an example,
I am disturbed, I really am. But I don’t go complicate other people’s life, at least out of my awareness. I have issues with myself, so do other people. But to act like a total fucked up and live like that until you terrorize other people’s life is just not my thing. I’d rather pretend to be okay to suit with the situation than sit there quietly and make faces until people get annoyed. But once I am alone, everything gets crappy. So that’s my weakness, and I desperately need other people to understand that’s another life I am living in without having them to judge it.

With the hope that nobody would ever question about it.

That’s what I meant by being an individual unit.

You are allowed to listen to other people’s screw-ups but do not judge. The right is not yours. Because it sucks to actually realize the judgment you make is the punishment you summon to yourself, in its own way. We punish ourselves by being judgmental without even realize we’re doing the same, to ourfuckingselves.

The thing is, I still cannot see any connection in this writing.

Tak heran

Suprisingly, I just dont care. I dont care about almost anything, about your cat, your pervert lecturer, your sexual orientation, your religion, your thoughts about what friendship should be based on, your delicious lunch, your political view, your expensive clothes, your favorite character, or even your pity disturbed childhood.


Tell me I am actually in denial, but fuck you, I just dont care.


One thing I care about now is basically nothing. Zero.

I am no longer a good friend to share everything, no longer a good daughter to follow the orders, no longer a good sister to provide the needs, no longer a good lover, oh that was so long time ago.


Because life at this moment has no point. No point at all. And because of that, hope seems useless. And right now I am thinking about Footnote's point of why bother dreaming when we know it is still unattainable.


Yes, my brain is currently narrowing down. I cant function well. Numbness is taking its part inside here.


My life is miserable, things are incomplete, but yes, laugh all you can, or feel annoyed all you can, or cheer all you can, or even smirk all you can, because that's the only thing people can afford to do.



Surprisingly, I dont care, I am individualistic.

Gelak kadang-kadang bermaksud hati sedang semak. Kau apa tau?

There are things I am dying to tell, but unfortunately, I don't know how to start, where to start.

The words won't come out, not because I am afraid its going to affect anyone or anything, it just won't come out.

Talk to me.

Te tu tu tu tunang!

Si tetunang

Alahlahlah hensyem si shantek ni.

Aku seorang Kak Andam terjun.

Aku cuba jadi haiwan liar, tetapi Lye jadi haiwan liar yang pondan. nak buat cemana tu?

Halahmek gua dengan Jijo dah aim baju kotak-kotak tu, gua aim yang tengah-tengah, Jijo aim yang belah kiri.

Apa-apa je abang photographer ni suruh pose.

Fewwit.

On the way pergi Tanah Melayu, naik bot nak jadi pembantu rumah.

Cubaan Addin Naufal jadi Ju-On.

Jamban Baekk siapa nak kira?

Meriah tak meriah lah kan keadaan tunang ni.

Manis di situ.

Bersama sepupu yang dah sepuluh tahun tak jumpa, Jijo.

Puan Syikin kalau aku tunang dia taknak buat lagi hebat dari ni, memang siap ah dia.

Gambar bersepah aku malas nak susun. Dan ini adalah aktiviti hujung minggu lepas, sebelum kekecewaan dapat dua tiket free Worldstage, tetapi tidak dapat pergi. Kalau tak, aku mesti dah naik atas stage cium Katy Perry.

But yes, who can let the feeling of joy when family is around go?