Random, just random.

1. McCann is prolonging the contract until end of this year so they have another 3 months to evaluate before making me their permanent staff. That's one good thing, I believe.
2. Convocation, this Ahad. Apart from hoping that I don't go tergolek on stage, I don't feel really excited. Half of me, yes, because five years wasted were really worth it. Another half just can't stop wondering how worse could the 'awkwardness' be. A small part of it is still hoping for certain people to fly back to Malaysia just to be there, then it would be really meaningful.
3. Met half of The Crazies just now after 2 days spending time with Puan Shikin. It was a good laugh. And we're planning to travel next year. Koh Samui perhaps. Please, I need to go to new places.
   
4. I've changed my mind already, life is not about making choices. Life is actually about living the hell you're in whether you like it or not. So much talking about skepticism.
5. I am in need to get away from things I am used to. I need to see more new people without abandoning people I already knew. I need to make some little changes, like getting my hair dyed, or my body parts pierced, or taking guitar lessons. Stuff like that.
6. I really hope for certain things to be fixed up.
7. People said, they can't no longer read me these days. People asked, why am I so emotional with my FB statuses now. People claimed, I look so terribly fucked up they even afraid to talk to me. Tell me people, what makes me so damn difficultly different now because I myself don't know why.
8. Inside here, there is a massive mess. Keeping things inside your heart without being able to spit it out is damn frustrating. Knocking your head ten times on your wall is wayyy easier than this. But yes, I can't do anything about it. Things that I am scared of are happening, I must say.
9. I really need a new phone. Mine is like, "Okay, ini boleh jadi penyendal pintu." Been eye-ing on Storm, or iPhone 4. But surely will end up buying phone like 3310 or something like that. No, I ain't no tech-savvy. Pfft.
10. Right now, Rudy is on my keyboard.

23 years old with nothing in hands, sweet.

I am not a girl, neither a woman, not even in between. I am not yet matured, neither childish, not even in between. I am not good-looking, neither an ugly duck, not even in between. I am not straight, neither homosexual, or even in between.

That's the result of 2010. I can't wait for 2011 to come.

Susah, bodo.

You know I'll stay,

because I am too tired to move on, too stressed out to keep in, too scared to let out, too confused to think of, too frustrated to hope for,

but too eager to give up.

What a selfish bitch.

Tick Tock

Got a text message a week ago, from someone, that I adore obviously.

She said something nice, something I wanted to hear from other people (not to say other people don't support me, they somehow know what's best from me, in this case particularly), something I hope for at this moment, and something I dream for quite a long time (months are counted).

Got another text message from her, few days ago, just to make sure I am okay.

She's been with me since we're born. Even if she said good stuff just to make me feel okay, I still value it because that's her job, to comfort me whenever I feel sad, frustrated, angry or even happy.

But Cousin,

This is different, this is super different.

You did count how many of these things that I'd ever succeed with, didn't you?

None.

And this is damn way shittier compared to others.

I am glad it's almost over.

But should you know,

it rewinds.

Of course the perception is now changed.

If only I knew about this earlier, I'd try my very best to not getting into it, at least not to know anything about it. Because I just realized how much I hate it I swear to God I want to smash people's faces.

Such a pussy.

It's difficult, it's difficult.

Like I said,

I actually believe there shouldn't be 'RE' prefix in our life, because we are only allowed to fuck things up once.

And that's what I've been doing so far. A total fucked up sure wouldn't dare to let another fuck-up to happen for the second time. This brought us to another thing.

Waiting for the rain to fall on Sahara is just a total waste. But yes, instead of implementing what I've been planning all this while, I've decided to shut the fuck up. It's not a matter of giving up when impossibilities occur along the way, but yes, I don't want to affect anything because things are good enough for me at the moment.

Stupid decisions will just destroy it all.

Because I can't afford to do all the REs once it's over.

But I have strong feelings this will end up just like what I've planned. And so it hurts like a bitch.

Mungkin Sos Cili Life lebih membahagiakan.

Love-hate drama is so last season, I tell you.

Oh, let's talk about life. Generally about life. Not my life. Not yours. It is about life itself.

I have this simple thought about life. It doesn't have to be too proper, it doesn't have to be too perfect in making way of our life. Because if it is too perfect, you might not see your own weaknesses and advantages beneath you.

You might think otherwise.

In fact, we have different views about life. That is why we're living our life differently, in our own way. Certain people are too positive when it comes to life. Others might think life is a burden so committing suicide is the easiest way to get to another life. There are also some people who really believe their current life is good because they suffered in last previous life, or vice versa.

But one thing for sure, people often compare their life with others'. Because they often have opinions on other people. That is what they're doing all this while. Not in "Hey, look how much do you make for living compared to me. Smirk." way but it is more like "Hey, look at me, look at me, what? You can't even look at me because I am good compared to you?" way.

Do not shit me, we're doing this almost all the time.

So, there is no such thing as Low-life vs High-life, Unfortunate vs Fortunate, Lower-class vs Upper-class because in the end, people survive. No matter how hard or how easy their life could be.

Harga tanah lot untuk kubur kita pun sama sahaja.

So, chill. :)

Tak cukup.

It is not that I am so ignorant I won't let anything that left me broken get inside my life again.

It is just I don't know how to rebuild the relationship.

You see, I've been through a lot. People who know me, they actually didn't know me that well. All that has been opened is just half of it. They may know my past, but only the incidents that happened in it, but not the whole damn way of facing it. I can't blame them if they simply jump on the conclusion of me on my failure in handling matters. Yes, it's my weakness, but I don't have any option to change it.

Look after me. Please.

Anak sendiri, please.

Amzar Nufail.

Paling riuh di Hari Raya, dan hari-hari biasa.

Pelat. Cik Syapa = Kik Kapa.

Jadi, aku adalah makcik kegemaran dia, buat masa ini.

Setiap kali jumpa, mesti peluk kuat-kuat, tepuk belakang, cium pipi, dahi dengan dagu aku.

Musuh ketat Min. "Kik Min poyo, kike kak kuke!"

Suka tengok aku nak siap mandi, "Eee, bongkot!" (bontot. sighhh.)

Mulut super lajuuuuuu.

Kejadian satu.

Ibu dia: "Amzarrrr, pergi semayangggg!"

Amzar: "Kike tanak kemayang, kike nak jadi anjingggg."

(Lita tak nak sembahyang, kita nak jadi anjing.)

Ibu dia: "Lailahailallah, kau tau ke tak anjing tu apa?"

Amzar: "Kike tak tau."

Kejadian dua.

Atuk dia: "Amzar nak jadi apa nanti bila besar?"

Amzar: "Kike nak jadi anjing."

Atuk dia: (dah tahu, so tak terkejut sangat)"Dari jadi anjing, lebih baik jadi babi."

Amzar:"Eee, tak baik la cakap babi. Akuk mencarut!"

Atuk dia: "Ye laa, babi sama macam anjing, kotor, makan sampah, bla bla. Nak jadi anjing tak?"

Amzar: "Tanakkkk, kike nak jadi kucing lah."

oh, speaking of anak. dah ada anak baru, syafawasseduced.

Amran Hj Mohideen

Aku baru tersedar yang hanya aku dan Min yang banyak ikut kualiti Arwah Atuk, when we're talking about this with Puan Shikin just now.

1. Bahasa Inggeris

2. Teater

3. Kehidupan sosial

Aku ingat lagi, masa kecik-kecik, dia rapat gila dengan Lye, and they're both always happy whenever aku balik Selayang. And he called me "Saba" sebab dia takde gigi. And taught us English every petang. And went to clean up Nenek's grave once in a while.

I remember, I always love to steal a look at his eyes, that grey circle around his iris. So calming.

Rest in peace, Atuk. I'll never forget the look on your face when I told you about my dreams. And here I am, achieving it, just like what you asked me to do. Al-Fatihah.

Me? I don't think so.

If there's someone you've been waited for years suddenly out of nowhere say,
"I want you back."
Will you ever give it a try?


Me?
I don't think so.



If there's someone you've given your heart to suddenly out of nowhere say,
"I am sorry."
Will you ever give him a second chance?


Me?
I don't think so.



If there's someone you like but never dare to voice it out suddenly out of nowhere say,
"Can we just be friends?"
Will you ever give it a space to happen?


Me?
I don't think so.






There's a lot bigger issue to deal, people. It's my heart. It has been broken many times. No drama, no tragedy I can put up with, any longer. So yes, this time, no fun around.






And you, your time is just around the corner. Goodbye, in advance.

I know.

Because every action and word symbolize the thoughts, that's why I'm leaving the idiocy behind.

Berat badan.

Two days ago, went to Celebrity fitness to teman Sheima to do her session. One consultant came to me and talked about craps of getting healthier and fitter by joining their course without having to spend a lot of money on it. And bla bla bla, suddenly he said, "actually Miss, you need to lose weight," and looked at me upside down.


Ooh, nice score man. You've ruined my day.

The thing is, I can lose weight, or even my everything if I want to. You can even ask my friends how I've lost it like sand blew by the wind when I was on diet. 10 fucking kilos in 3 weeks, I bet you can't do that to yourfuckingself, Mister.

No, I don't believe in diet anymore. Or even exercise shits. I am good on my own. You can say anything about health and chance to wear nice clothes skinny people are wearing these days. But, I am so ignorant, and people knew it. I might die because of anything else other than my health problems, and I can walk naked to my office if I don't have anything nice to wear.


I am making my own way to live, Mister. Thank you for your effort.

Tentang apa? Pantat! - Fared Ayam

So much complaining about how it feels to be in my shoes, I actually failed to remember one thing. Silence is golden.


But yes, to keep everything without letting it out is suicidal.

So kiss the hopes goodbye.