I miss my undergrad life.

I admit that I wasn't really a good student back then, be it in high school, or even during undergraduate studies. I am definitely not smart, nor that I am stupid, and I'm not even really hard working when it comes to studying.

But then, I guess I was really lucky enough to get fine grades, even some good ones.

I was super lazy, still am now. Skipped classes constantly, often got low marks for midterm exams, zero commitments given in doing group assignment, below than average in terms of presentation skills.

I was that low.

But what is my formula to get good grades?

Yes, know your strategies.

Which here means, I know when to concentrate on my revision even if its only hours from the real exam, I know when to get serious in order to absorb the whole semester in. I'm the type of student who can only focus in the last minute, so for me, attending class for the whole semester is a boring thing especially with the boring lecturers.

I did it out of respect towards the teacher, as well as for the sake of attendance system.

But I absolutely enjoyed the class that is full of discussions, instead of full boring lessons. I still remember, there were some classes during my undergraduate studies that I enjoyed so much, even though I hate the subjects. I still love those lecturers.

So yeah, the only time I can absorb is when I played 'teacher' during last discussion with Ain and Raihana.

What I'm saying is, no, I don't have intention to brag or anything, but you have to know your own strength in studying, then you'll ace well. Some may beg to differ, they have their own way, and their way is rather effective, but it really depends on the individual capabilities when it comes to studying. Really.

But yes, I'm still super duper thankful to my lecturers. For the rest of my life.

And I'm fine with people who don't really focus in their study, as long as the outcome of it is something really worth to be proud of, and the effort of getting it is something that should be paid off.

Because I believe studying is an individual skill.

Overly attached me.

I might not have the best things in this world, but I have enough things to make me feel the best.
Including these.

I need a real slap.

I just had a conversation with Jijo one hour ago before she let her first cute snore out.


She said she realized that I've become so passive nowadays, I am not like I was before. She said I no longer hang out with people, I don't make friends, I don't communicate much, I prefer being alone, I am less bubbly, happy, friendly, and so on.

And then, she asked me why.

Well, that snapped my arse out of me. I've changed so much. Not that I have matured, no.

I admit that I kind of distant myself from people around. I stop seeing people, I refuse to go out, I don't really have social life. Other than my close friends and my cousins, I only communicate with people on social networking sites, not in the real world. I'd become so awkward if I see someone I know walking in front of me to the extent I'm going to quickly take out my phone and pretend that I'm on something. I just don't know why.

Perhaps, when I see people around me starting to have other commitments, I kinda back myself off. Not that I'm not okay with that, it is fine, in fact, it is good to move on from certain phase of your life to another but I guess I'm having difficulties trying to adjust myself a little bit in this overwhelming stage.

People have their own life, I have mine too, so I'm trying be part of people's life with suitable 'amount' of involvement, so I don't become a nuisance or burden. I guess that's it.

Or maybe, maybe, the fact that I am afraid people will hurt me contributes a lot to this problem. I'm afraid of expectations, a little bit of commitments, and unpromising certainty.

I know its not healthy to just keep everything to myself and not wanting to open up a space for other people, but I just no longer know how to. And what makes it worse is, my brain and my heart told me, "Don't go back to the old me, the happy, friendly you. Just stay like this."

This is childish, and I'm almost 26. This is hell.