I miss my undergrad life.

I admit that I wasn't really a good student back then, be it in high school, or even during undergraduate studies. I am definitely not smart, nor that I am stupid, and I'm not even really hard working when it comes to studying.

But then, I guess I was really lucky enough to get fine grades, even some good ones.

I was super lazy, still am now. Skipped classes constantly, often got low marks for midterm exams, zero commitments given in doing group assignment, below than average in terms of presentation skills.

I was that low.

But what is my formula to get good grades?

Yes, know your strategies.

Which here means, I know when to concentrate on my revision even if its only hours from the real exam, I know when to get serious in order to absorb the whole semester in. I'm the type of student who can only focus in the last minute, so for me, attending class for the whole semester is a boring thing especially with the boring lecturers.

I did it out of respect towards the teacher, as well as for the sake of attendance system.

But I absolutely enjoyed the class that is full of discussions, instead of full boring lessons. I still remember, there were some classes during my undergraduate studies that I enjoyed so much, even though I hate the subjects. I still love those lecturers.

So yeah, the only time I can absorb is when I played 'teacher' during last discussion with Ain and Raihana.

What I'm saying is, no, I don't have intention to brag or anything, but you have to know your own strength in studying, then you'll ace well. Some may beg to differ, they have their own way, and their way is rather effective, but it really depends on the individual capabilities when it comes to studying. Really.

But yes, I'm still super duper thankful to my lecturers. For the rest of my life.

And I'm fine with people who don't really focus in their study, as long as the outcome of it is something really worth to be proud of, and the effort of getting it is something that should be paid off.

Because I believe studying is an individual skill.

Overly attached me.

I might not have the best things in this world, but I have enough things to make me feel the best.
Including these.

I need a real slap.

I just had a conversation with Jijo one hour ago before she let her first cute snore out.


She said she realized that I've become so passive nowadays, I am not like I was before. She said I no longer hang out with people, I don't make friends, I don't communicate much, I prefer being alone, I am less bubbly, happy, friendly, and so on.

And then, she asked me why.

Well, that snapped my arse out of me. I've changed so much. Not that I have matured, no.

I admit that I kind of distant myself from people around. I stop seeing people, I refuse to go out, I don't really have social life. Other than my close friends and my cousins, I only communicate with people on social networking sites, not in the real world. I'd become so awkward if I see someone I know walking in front of me to the extent I'm going to quickly take out my phone and pretend that I'm on something. I just don't know why.

Perhaps, when I see people around me starting to have other commitments, I kinda back myself off. Not that I'm not okay with that, it is fine, in fact, it is good to move on from certain phase of your life to another but I guess I'm having difficulties trying to adjust myself a little bit in this overwhelming stage.

People have their own life, I have mine too, so I'm trying be part of people's life with suitable 'amount' of involvement, so I don't become a nuisance or burden. I guess that's it.

Or maybe, maybe, the fact that I am afraid people will hurt me contributes a lot to this problem. I'm afraid of expectations, a little bit of commitments, and unpromising certainty.

I know its not healthy to just keep everything to myself and not wanting to open up a space for other people, but I just no longer know how to. And what makes it worse is, my brain and my heart told me, "Don't go back to the old me, the happy, friendly you. Just stay like this."

This is childish, and I'm almost 26. This is hell.

Definitely a miss.

Let's talk about timing.

In my case, timing is just a super bitch. I've missed out so many opportunities that were meant to change my life, and looking back at it, only like 5% of it can be counted as my own fault.

Maybe it's a curse, maybe I have no luck at all, I don't know. 

I just have no hope left. 

And I am somehow at this point, want to stop believing that better things are gonna come at the end of the road, because reality is, everything sucks.

Things I've learned in 2012.

Yes, 2012 has passed. There's nothing much of it, but I do learned a lot of things last year. Things that I'm sure will help me to get better. Or at least to stop me from making the same mistakes again.


1. Do not let others decide things for you, especially when you're old enough to know what's good and what's bad. Learn to make decision, even if in the end it turns bad, it'll help to mature you.

2. End your one-sided love if it is no longer worth it. Having crush is a cute thing, until you realize that you'll end up crushing yourself into pieces.

3. You do need friends. But you do need some space. Take time to be on your own, make friends with non-living things. No, that's not weird, books can everyone's good friend.

4. Do not forget that marriage somehow comes with responsibilities. Get involved with it once you're really prepared.

5. Facebook can sometimes poison you.

6. Never lose weights because you want other people to accept you. I swear to God you'll have to deal with other kinds of depression that come after that.

7. Some beliefs and principles are meant to go against one another. Live with yours, and don't question others'.

8. Some older people tend to become super conservative. Respect their thoughts, but never let them affect yours, when you yourself know how to live your life. They sometimes failed to adjust what's on their mind with current situation.

9. When you reach certain age, you'll learn how to control your feelings. Seriously.

10. The last but the most important lesson I learned last year, your mum and dad are your priority. Well, sometimes you fight with them over silly things, but do know that they're the most understanding people on earth once you let them believe you're ready to rock the world.



Well for this year, I hope I can make certain changes. Whether I succeed or not, we'll talk about it next year.

Alhamdulillah

Don't ever think your life is mundane, there might be surprises coming out of nowhere.

I once heard someone said, "Never stop doing good deeds, even if its just a small help, it will make your entire day."

And this, happened to me today. It was nothing, really. I helped a Thai guy to fuel up his tank since he didn't know whether to choose RON95 or RON97 for his car. It was a very small help. As I was chitchatting with him, the attendant came to help and to my surprise, that Thai guy said to me,

"Alhamdulillah, thank you very much."

That shocked me well, why? Because this guy looks so hmm, Chinese and very modern I almost doubt if he's a Muslim, but not in a racist way. Or maybe he said Alhamdulillah because I am a Muslim. Anyway, you know what I mean. And I know it is very possible to see a Muslim Thai here, but I never thought Alhamdulillah would come out from his mouth when I help him.

Well the point now is, that makes me think, whenever I received any help from other people, especially me, in seldom occasions I would say praise to Allah first (that ungrateful of me) and then thank the person second. I think it's time to change another attitude. Not necessarily do I have to say it in front of the person who helped me, but yeah enough to let God knows I am very grateful to Him to have a person to be there when I'm in need. InsyaAllah.


And that, obviously made my entire day. Really.

The reality behind every perception.

I am not in a position to say this as I myself do the same thing, but...

People talk way too much.
They just love to talk about other people.
Every hurtful and cynical comment that came from their mouth is just, plainly annoying.

I am sick of Twitter, really. Its a place where people whine about other people, and regretfully, I do the same. I think we all should stop doing that. We don't have to criticize every single thing that happened to other people. We don't have to judge people's decisions or actions. That is not an honest opinion, but rather the portrayal of our own stupidity.

If we have one, just keep it to ourselves. If we can't, write it on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle, and keep it. Two years later, read them all back and see how annoying we were for being so nosy.

I hate to see people bashing/condemning other people with or without evidence, especially when things that they talk about have nothing to do with them. Useless critiques really kill, dude.


But yeah, I can't let Twitter go because it is the only medium to talk to my friends and cousins, since I'm not SMS/phone call type of person. I only use phone or SMS to communicate with my mum, dad or kid brother. Or Lye and Ijat, once in awhile.

Welcome to the fallout.

I was just watching Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging for the 1870435th time. Towards the end, it makes me realize that Robbie guy, the hero, resembles someone. He reminds me of someone I thought I could forget, but apparently I couldn't.

Well, that's that.


I just discovered one new thing about me, not a good thing, though.

I hate being in the middle of a crowd.
I feel really exhausted when that happens. I think a lot about this lately. Well, people (read: family members and friends) say I'm a mood maker, I'm such a laugh, funny and all that, but the truth is, I despise it A LOT.
Being funny leads people to not taking you seriously, and that's happening to me now.


No one really asked me whether I'm fine, or not,
because they are used to that smile on my freaking face.
No one really asked how do I feel,
though I look perfectly normal.


People just don't know that I am not okay. I am really not okay. I am depressed. I feel empty.
I feel like half of me is dead, another half is dying. I am not okay.


That's a reason why I stop talking to some people.
I'm running away from them. I am running away from everything.
I'm not blaming people for not giving attention, I just hate being a clown for certain people.

I just hate it to death.

Gua punya hangin dengan isu pernikahan ni.

Buat yang tak sabar nak tengok gua kahwin, gua persembahkan gambar gua syok sendiri dengan penuh keayuan di atas jinjang pelamin. Halemek.

Satu.

Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, yang nak nikah tu abang gua, bukan gua! Sepuluh kali jumpa, sepuluh kali lah ulang "Yang ini lah yang nak nikah minggu depan tu ye?". Ingat gua takde kerja lain ke selain daripada ulang yang nak kahwin tu abang gua dengan tunang dia? Sekali tanya memang la gua sudi nak senyum lagi tapi kalau sepuluh kali ulang benda yang sama boleh kencing manis gua. Gua bengang la.

Dua.

Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, bila semua orang sekeliling gua kahwin, abang gua kahwin, best friend gua kahwin, sepupu rapat gua kahwin/tunang, tak semestinya gua pun kena kahwin jugak dalam masa terdekat ni. Jangan jangka benda yang tak mungkin dari gua boleh tak? Tak payah la nak main teka-teka bila tarikh gua patut kahwin, Tuhan tahu kot kerja dia, tak payah susah-susah nak tolong atur. Gua bengang la.

Tiga. 

Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, GUA MUDA LAGI LA WOI! 25 tahun tu masih lagi usia nak berseronok yang mana dah kahwin tu dah jodoh dia tak mungkin lah gua sebagai manusia biasa ni nak menghalang ye tak? Nak gua buat pengumuman ke yang gua tak ada rancangan nak nikah? Bayang teman lelaki pun tak mungkin dapat dilihat nak suruh gua kahwin dengan siapa? Kucing gua? Gua bengang la.

Empat.

Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, terima kasih banyak-banyak tapi tak payah carikan jodoh untuk gua. memang betul jodoh tu kena cari tapi sebagai wanita yang berwawasan, gua rasa gua belum terdesak lagi mungkin bila umur gua dah mencecah 35 tahun dan dah cukup kaya dah boleh lah tolong carikan kalau ada yang mahu tapi buat masa ini gua masih dalam zon bertenang lagi, tolong bertenang sama tak boleh ke? Gua bengang la.

Kahwin itu penting, namun belum jatuh di tempat pertama lagi dalam senarai kepentingan. Bukan sombong dengan Tuhan tapi sedar mana letak duduk diri sendiri. Tak payah susah hati tolong fikirkan.

Eh lah kau ni.

Bodoh, we are bound to make mistakes in this life kot.

But bodoh plus one, we're not supposed to make silly mistakes,

intended mistakes or mistakes that you know you're gonna pay back for later.

You know what's the real meaning of stupid?

People who still make mistake when they clearly know the consequences of it.

I am not holy, but I know, even mistake has its own limit.

Nak kena tampar ke?

Awkward girl and her surrounding.

I need to fuel up my car tank, but I need to post about something now, first.


I've been living in Sintok since two weeks ago. Though I no longer need to attend classes, I need to see my supervisor constantly after she rejected my proposal cis I think I might need to extend one more semester. Though its is fine since its not really affect my study duration, and I can start working right after I've done my proposal defense, but still... and life here, its like hell.

Good God, I desperately need to be less sombong, or unfriendly maybe. I tried to approach people before this, really, but in the end, it become more awkward and I, who can't stand awkwardness will cut any kind of communication on the spot. What's the wrong la this is woi?



Can someone please tell me how to become friendlier, please?

The Couples

My two favorite girls are married.

One is my ultra best friend, Ijat, the one in purple.

Another is Lye, my ultra cousin, the one in yellow.

It is kinda late to post about Ijat's wedding, since it was three months ago, and she's already pregnant at the moment, but still, she's my favorite girl. And Lye's wedding was held last two weeks.

And this makes me ponder about something.

Everyone around me is really settling down.

Though me and Ijat, we don't have enough memories compared to what I have with Lye, we have our own bubble. What I share with Ijat is rather special, I could not let her go no matter what.

And with Lye, I spent half of my childhood with her, and there's a space filled by her in my adulthood. She was really there whenever I'm up or down, and she still is.

Now, they are married.

I am super happy.

More people are getting married, and I am pleased to eat more lauk kenduri.

After all, nothing to feel regret about actually.

Should I write about this? No, I shouldn't.

But yes, because I don't have anyone else to talk to about this.

Everyone is little tired of the story of my past.

Today, part of me said that I shouldn't have opened my Facebook.

A little regret, knowing that I myself often get too carried away over unnecessary things.

My then best friend and my only ex-boyfriend got engaged last two days.

The day has arrived.

I kept having this weird feelings when I see the photos. But nope, not negatively.

Maybe because of the history of all this.

Thinking about it, what have I done?

Why did I hate them back then?

What did they do to me, really?

Why did I keep that hatred towards them for years, when all they did was loving each other normally like other people do?

Why can't I let them go and just move on?

These, make me want to knock myself so hard, I should have been more understanding about them dating. I regret myself for being so childish and selfish. And the only people who's losing is me, actually.

If only I could turn back time, I would just endure the pain that eventually will fade away, just like now and keep her as my best friend. It wont be so hard, I guess.

But yes, If I didn't let her go, I won't have the life I have now, I wouldn't have more awesome best friends whom I cannot lose till the day I die. That, somehow is another good side of it that I should not let pass.

And after 4, 5 years, I really hope this is not a useless thing to say. I really hope the day will eventually come and they will live happily as husband and wife.

Congratulations Mimin and Ebi, from the bottom of my heart.

Bad girl being stupid and immature.

Well, one of bad qualities of mine is that I hold...grudge.

From the smallest bit, to the big ones.

I know its not a good thing to have in this life, but in my defense, I treat it as reminder, not to repeat the same mistake again. In a way, it is similar to self-protection, so I don't mind living like that.

That is why reconciliation never exist in my dictionary, though there'll be apologies and making up after every fight or misunderstanding, I found it very hard to let the anger go. I don't move on easily.

On top of that, I can't take the aftermath, which is the awkwardness.

Bad girl.

What happened during my hiatus.

I think I grew up a little bit.

I spent last few months reminiscing old memories, how many years I went through being a piece of trash, how many nights I spent being damned, how I became rebellious due to lack of attention, not from my parents, but from surrounding, and how I was struck back.

However, I don't regret growing up the way I did, because if I was too beautiful, I was too smart, I was too rich, I won't be thinking about this later when I'm supposed to. Because I know myself, I was too fragile, too desperate and too stupid.

Well, I asked Ayah few days ago during iftar,

"When do you think the hardest period of our life as a family, Yah?"

Ayah answered,

"I don't think we have ever gone through any lowest situation. Nope. Never."

I am proud of his answer, he didn't say that because of his pride, it was because he is strong like that.

I never see him whining about any single thing happened to us. Let alone being mad seeing me failed.

And then Min, out of nowhere said,

"The year of 2009."

It was like he can read my mind. And then I realized, that was when I started to change. I started to think as an adult, to consider about things, to think about future.

I admit, I am the best living example of "people can only start to realize when they were knocked out by life". It was the hardest. Of course I feel really grateful those things happened to our family, because if not, I don't know what kind of person I am going to turn out to be.

Start again, every time you fail, every time your hopes were crushed into pieces.

Why is everyone else getting married and you're not.

One thing I learn about marriage. Or jodoh specifically.
Its all about qada' and qadar.


You can never know that you're going to marry your best friend.
You can never know that you're going to marry your ex-boyfriend four years after the breakup.
You can never know that you're going to marry someone after few months knowing him/her.
You can never know that you're going to marry someone over a one month decision.

But also.

You can never know that your fiance is going to break the engagement a day before ijabkabul.
You can never know that your husband/wife is going to die few days after ijabkabul.
You can never know that how long your marriage is going to last.


No matter how hard you try to keep it up.
And whether you are well-prepared or not.


Its not that I'm giving bad impression, saying getting married is just a waste, but you know, everything is destined, by someone up there. Everything can happen. So there's really no point whining. Whether it's late or early, whether it last or not, only God knows why He set that up for you.

Have a little faith. 



But that also answers the popular question, why everyone else is getting married and you're not?







On the other hand, it's been two months since I last wrote. I've lost my muse, truthfully. Apart from being so busy completing my final (my own version of final) semester, I've lost my muse to write. Though there're so many things happened during the hiatus, I couldn't find the will, the excitement, the urge to write. But yes, since I'm on three four five months holiday, I think I better start writing again. 


So many things happened my fingers are going to bleed till death from typing.

Bandung dan keselesaan yang terbawa.

I just got back from the second visit to Bandung.

It was, beyond awesome.

Awesome because of so many reasons.

One, because I've got to know some new friends.

Two, because 6 days were spent without any regret.

Three, because every money spent brought a smile on my face.

Four, because there are series of shocking new things.

And five, because behind everything that I saw, there's always something to learn about.

I tried living just like them, tried to blend in with the social interaction, I even tried things I never wanted, or even thought I'd be doing it in my life. So I had fun in everything that actually lacks, that I myself would arrogantly avoid to do if I were in my own country.

Guess the thought that people survive no matter what, is true. Freaking true.

This visit actually was for my thesis, because I'm writing on a comparison between them and us Malay in terms of our English. So for that, I've got to learn more about their social culture, of course to relate it with the English language in their country.

Along with that, I met new friends, and what makes it interesting is how they treat us as the outsiders. Not sure whether it is really their culture of welcoming new people inside their circle, but it was really, different. Never in our social circle, I have ever felt that way. It was the first time of my life.

Still, even for the second time, I just cant stop myself from feeling that something in my heart that is losing.

It breaks my heart to see how they face every limitation in order to survive.

It breaks my heart seeing them not being able to enjoy the life like I am in right now.

And for all of it, the thing that really broke my heart is when they said that what really matters is today instead of tomorrow, the opposition of what I've taught myself in this life, which is to chase every tomorrow and leave behind whatever today brings.

And I respect them as they taught me so many things behind every sincere smile and laugh. Allah bless them all.

No photos, as I was busy chasing life.

Blergh

The general structures of expectation established in people's mind by the culture they live in have been variously called frames or schemata. (Kramsch, 2010)

The only thing that we, human being cannot get away from.

So what good am I to you?

The girl I am.

Dude, it was 10 years ago, but I'm a girl. I don't forget things easily.

I would never forget the day you told me you wanted to wait till I finish school and then we can be the 'item', and then one day you were caught by JAIS over khalwat with my own freaking friend.

I would never forget the day you came back to me saying all craps like, "I love you, but I love my wife, too," and then you're gone with the wind.

I would never forget the day you came back to me telling me stuff about your divorce and how bad she was for 'snatching' your own daughter and refraining you from seeing her.

And I certainly would never forget the day you came back just to tell me you're getting married with another girl this coming December, which I myself failed to figure out what's the purpose behind it.

Why is that?

Why do you think I am that easy I could swallow all shits you're throwing back to me?

I know you're just a history, but come on, cut me some slack.

I am definitely a girl.

2012 is being unfair, noooo!

Its only March, see what I've missed. And going to miss.

1. Underoath. I feel like slitting my own throat for missing it.

2. TDEP. Again, gonna slit my throat.

3. Toe.

4. Death Cab For Cutie.

5. Radiohead.

6. The Cranberries.

And many more.

But I must not, I repeat, I must not miss these three;

1. August Burns Red & Blessthefall this end of April.

and

2. The Changcuters somewhere in May I heard.

Please make way for me, please?