I need a real slap.

I just had a conversation with Jijo one hour ago before she let her first cute snore out.


She said she realized that I've become so passive nowadays, I am not like I was before. She said I no longer hang out with people, I don't make friends, I don't communicate much, I prefer being alone, I am less bubbly, happy, friendly, and so on.

And then, she asked me why.

Well, that snapped my arse out of me. I've changed so much. Not that I have matured, no.

I admit that I kind of distant myself from people around. I stop seeing people, I refuse to go out, I don't really have social life. Other than my close friends and my cousins, I only communicate with people on social networking sites, not in the real world. I'd become so awkward if I see someone I know walking in front of me to the extent I'm going to quickly take out my phone and pretend that I'm on something. I just don't know why.

Perhaps, when I see people around me starting to have other commitments, I kinda back myself off. Not that I'm not okay with that, it is fine, in fact, it is good to move on from certain phase of your life to another but I guess I'm having difficulties trying to adjust myself a little bit in this overwhelming stage.

People have their own life, I have mine too, so I'm trying be part of people's life with suitable 'amount' of involvement, so I don't become a nuisance or burden. I guess that's it.

Or maybe, maybe, the fact that I am afraid people will hurt me contributes a lot to this problem. I'm afraid of expectations, a little bit of commitments, and unpromising certainty.

I know its not healthy to just keep everything to myself and not wanting to open up a space for other people, but I just no longer know how to. And what makes it worse is, my brain and my heart told me, "Don't go back to the old me, the happy, friendly you. Just stay like this."

This is childish, and I'm almost 26. This is hell.

Blergh

The general structures of expectation established in people's mind by the culture they live in have been variously called frames or schemata. (Kramsch, 2010)

The only thing that we, human being cannot get away from.

So what good am I to you?

The girl I am.

Dude, it was 10 years ago, but I'm a girl. I don't forget things easily.

I would never forget the day you told me you wanted to wait till I finish school and then we can be the 'item', and then one day you were caught by JAIS over khalwat with my own freaking friend.

I would never forget the day you came back to me saying all craps like, "I love you, but I love my wife, too," and then you're gone with the wind.

I would never forget the day you came back to me telling me stuff about your divorce and how bad she was for 'snatching' your own daughter and refraining you from seeing her.

And I certainly would never forget the day you came back just to tell me you're getting married with another girl this coming December, which I myself failed to figure out what's the purpose behind it.

Why is that?

Why do you think I am that easy I could swallow all shits you're throwing back to me?

I know you're just a history, but come on, cut me some slack.

I am definitely a girl.

2012 is being unfair, noooo!

Its only March, see what I've missed. And going to miss.

1. Underoath. I feel like slitting my own throat for missing it.

2. TDEP. Again, gonna slit my throat.

3. Toe.

4. Death Cab For Cutie.

5. Radiohead.

6. The Cranberries.

And many more.

But I must not, I repeat, I must not miss these three;

1. August Burns Red & Blessthefall this end of April.

and

2. The Changcuters somewhere in May I heard.

Please make way for me, please?

Jantan dan Betina.

I saw someone's status on FB, that goes something like this,

"Bla, bla, (Tagged name), bla bla... Aku carikan kau sorang betina... Bla bla bla..."

There is a relationship between Malay language and Malay culture, and how it leads to acceptance of its understanding among Malays themselves.

Let's go straight to the point.

My point of view, there's a BIG difference in the use of 'Jantan' and 'Betina' in our language.

One, obviously they are used to identify the sex of animals.

Two, yes, they are also used as human's identifier in certain conditions.

Some might disagree with me,

but hell I don't care.

Jantan - Man

Betina - Woman

While 'jantan' symbolizes men as a strong figure, 'betina' somehow carries bad, inappropriate meaning that will influence people's judgement towards the sex itself.

I am not being sexist, but it is common in our culture to know that 'betina' is an inappropriate call name since the time of our ancestors. This is different with the opposite. If you curse men by using the word 'jantan', the impact is never as big as you call a woman 'betina', rule back to our culture where it has shaped the acceptance and understanding towards this.

I mean, come on. Don't simply go and call random woman 'betina', it is not appropriate, especially if you're a man. It is like lowering women status where it is already under yours, obviously.

To be fair, Malay women also call other women with that name, especially when it involved those anger, rage, boyfriend/husband snatching, backstabbing and stuff like that. I have no point to rebut that, but the important thing here is, this call name thingy has to stop. Because it affects the value of politeness, of fudging course. I did use this call name, when I was angry and stuff, but when I saw people using it in normal situation like that FB status above, I realized that its freaking wrong.

So let us stop that. And the inappropriate use of 'jantan' too, if we must.

Please.

But its okay if you wanna name your pet Betina or Jantan, like mine. I wouldn't mind that, because it is appropriate enough.

I do type 'Tsk' too often these days.

I actually think seahorse is more attractive than unicorn, though these two animals have no connection at all, and this sentence make no sense at certain point and why am I still writing, I don't understand myself lately, I need someone to explain to me why people keep saying that I am actually fragile on the inside, they obviously don't know me well. See, I'm making no point here.

February and no improvement.

Well, there are so many wants, they even make me forget about my needs.

Life is hard at the moment.

Why?

Because I've been fighting with myself lately.

I want this, I want that, I want it to be like this, I want that to be like what I want.

And when it failed to turn out like what I want,

I become so frustrated I tend to lose hopes, and even my senses.

I forgot that certain things work their own way, not according to how I want it to be.

Why?

Because mommy looks so happy chilling in her own bubble, she doesn't realize it will pop eventually.

Now I know that reality isn't a bitch, I am the real bitch who is trying to cheat the reality.

I need someone to slap me in the face real hard.

One more chance to fix this. One more.

Tsk, I just remembered that I promised this blog a post about Bandung. Gonna do that, soon.

A headlight.

Still don't have time to write updates about Ijat's engagement (malas nak upload gambar sebenarnya), but I am feeling so excited I'm going back to KL tomorrow and prepare for my first trip with best friends to Bandung, I need to write about something.

People, do know this.

Not all can accept us no matter how perfect/good/pretty/fine we think we are.

It's just a rule of nature.

And for that, you might want to change anything you think you're lack of.

But for me, I'll just stay the way I am.

I don't get the idea of following people's idea about us, if you know what I mean.

I just don't.

I mean there's no point making people feel good about me when I don't even feel good about myself.

So it's best to let them with their fucking acceptances, just continue rolling.

Someone, 3 days ago, said something to me. It goes something like this,

"Why don't you put on some makeups, and wear something nice, change the way you look and sure you'll get a boyfriend."

Holy mother of crap.

I believe those guys who don't like me hell because of my appearance, won't change their mind even if I wear makeups like a drag queen. Okay so appearances really matter to some people, but no, I don't want people to like me because the way I dress, because behind the thick layer of my done-face, no one would really see the real me. Cliche, I know. But yeah, cliche is the new rare.

No, just don't change yourself for the sake of the desperation wanting people to see you. It is pathetic. It is fine if people don't like you because the way you look, let alone because of your physical looks, because among them, you'll find people who love you the way you are, you imperfections.

Because nobody is perfect. Like the 'someone' I just mentioned above, sangat cantik, tapi tu lah.

Oh, this is of course not to bad behaviors lah kan. Jangan ingat gua rebel tak menentu hala.

Pecel Ayam menangis.

By the way,

God knows how much I miss Wong Jowo right now.

And how I miss,

"Hoi, pedas gilaaaa."

"Mana ada pedas weh, tak pedas langsung."

and,

"Nak makan mana hari ni, semalam dah makan Wong Jowo."

"Kita makan Wong Jowo lah, nak?"

Well, seems like I'm bored already with those walking machines.

I secretly don't believe in matchmaking.

Yes, that just came out of nowhere.

But I don't want to talk about that today.

Or maybe I don't want to talk about that anymore. We'll see how.

The idea of waiting for love to come is just a crap now.

I'm sick of repeating the same thing, to the same people that I disgust myself to the core.

So yes, today's rambling is about comfort circle.

You know that sometimes when you see someone, let's say someone you know,

is doing fine, still able to laugh, looks happy enough,

you feel happy too you tend to overdo it,

ended up you making it as medium to feel good about yourself.

And the stupidest thing about that is,

we never realize.

Seriously, never.

Oh ya, congratulations to Kak Faiz and Abang Hairi on their engagement last Sunday. A step to beautiful marriage with bless. InsyaAllah. Amin.

Lagi apaan? Lagi mengDipa.

Like I said, people only feel it is desperately necessary to pick up what’s left right after they realized how stupid they were for letting things torn apart. I mean, come on, don’t you think it is useless? I know people make mistakes, but it is a matter of you knowing what you’re doing, or you simply don’t. Then it is appropriate to label you stupid. You should know that.

I’m not criticizing anyone, but really, gila talak is so irritating. This happened so many times in front of my eyes, obviously didn’t happen to me, but yes, I’ve been witnessing this kind of thing for a long time.

If you’ve decided to leave someone, coming back is just a waste of time. Because when it happens for the second, third, fourth time, it is no longer special, and it’s gonna leave a huge scar to both of you, if you know what I mean.

I have not yet lost my faith in relationship, no. But you know; only short-minded people think breaking up and getting back like it is normal, normal. If you think you’re gonna break up with your partner eventually, don’t start. Don’t play with your own feelings, because it’s going to numb eventually.

And yes, I’m not being defensive, but if you take a little time just to think about it, you surely will realize leaving your partner and believing you can get back to him/her just like that just make you an arrogant but stupid person. And worthless.

On the other hand, I have a huge crush on Dipa Changcut. Why, because he plays bass, and has a super straight face. Plus point, he wears braces. Hoi lah kiutnyew.

It’s all about looks when you have a crush on celebrity. Never an inner self takes place. Haih la kau cakap orang, kau pun sama je Syapaaaaaa.

Pemikiran yang singkat menjejaskan kualiti. Seriously.

I don't connect with everyone.

It is a fact.

Not because I have my own standard, no.

But because I couldn't stand people who are narrow-minded, who only think about what is best for now instead of the future, and who believe their own kind is superior. Regardless their level of education, because sometimes, the wiser a person is, the stupidest he/she can really be.

Not to say that I am good enough, but at least I don't go argue with people about something that I know is wrong. Because one, it is pathetic and two, it is useless.

Bukan masalah kau bodoh atau pandai, tapi bila bercakap guna otak.

Bila hati orang itu kau yakin mampu jadi hatimu sendiri.

Cuba peluk matahari, kalau mampu kau harung setiap panasnya.

Cuba gapai bulan, kalau mampu kau hulur tangan ke sana.

Bukan mahu aku lumpuh mahumu,

tidak juga mahu aku cantas citamu.

Namun bukankah lebih baik tunduk ke tanah, lihat mana kakimu bertelapak?

Nafas ini tidak seenteng itu.

Bisik hati saja tidak cukup,

apa lagi kerdip mata,

Khairunnisa.

Kau bukan siapa-siapa yang berkehendakkan dewa.

Tidak cukup cermin di bilik, cuba cari gelas besi di dapur.

Tidak cukup juga, cuba cari serpih kaca berselerak.

Pusing, cuba lihat keliling, cuba cari semua yang perlu kau cuba.

Cuba kalau lah ada.

Orang kita cakap, "Berlagak nak mampus."

"I baru beli kasut ni, dalam 4, 5 ribu jugak la harga dia, parents I macam tak bagi, sebab nak pakai dekat kaki kan? Tapi I nak jugak, I tak kira. I tak kisah pun harga dia mahal, sebab I dah suka sangat kan, I beli je la."

Macam celaka.

Being wealthy is not a crime, I know that. But bragging about stuff you have, brands you know, class you're living in is totally a major turn-off.

No one deserves to brag. That is totally lame, especially the ones who think they are rich, but actually they're not, their parents are. It is sick, you know. No one wants to hear us babbling about stuff we have.

I don't see what is the point of wanting people to know that we're wearing expensive things? Why? I get it, we want people to look at us, we want people to envy us, so okay, leave the things to do it by themselves. Show them to the world, it's between us and our God, He will judge our intentions, not other people, but please, keep our freaking mouth shut.

It is not gonna bring us anywhere, I tell you.

There's nothing wrong wearing Prada and not telling people about you wearing Prada.

Yes, pronouns 'we' and 'us' are used because I'm saying this to myself too.

And no, I'm not writing this because I'm jealous of someone who wears Prada and bragging about wearing Prada.

I just hate it when people bring brand names in every conversation I am in, or I am witnessing.

Can't afford to wear such expensive clothes and drink expensive coffee in another hundred years, but no, I'm not jealous of people who can.

It's just, come on, you're not gonna get to bring all in your grave, aye?

I know I'm gonna get in my grave with few pieces of fabric only.

And please, don't get me started with people who wear fake shits and claimed they are original. Social desperation is gonna kill you in the end.

Okay itu tak kelakar.

One thing I don't like about Raya is the way people respond to whatever new information they've gained from you.

For example,

"Amboi ustazah berjubah-jubah."

For God's sake, jubah is not for ustazah only. Everyone can wear it.

"Takpe, lepas belajar dah boleh cari jodoh pulak."

I feel like smashing Mother's raya cookie jars.

"Kau makin besar."

And the act of ziarah should be abolished by next year.

Things like that.

Not nice, not nice.

Tak tenang lah kalau cenggini

Remember when you used to have your eyes on something, you just tell your dad, and he'll buy it for you right away. I don't miss that moment, I just need that moment back so I can say

"Takpe lah, you should keep that money in case we're gonna need it for something else."

And now, I am used to asking for my parents' money whenever I want something.

Today for example,

"Ayah, I want air tebu for Iftar, can ah?"

And he gave money to Min to buy air tebu straight away.

And at the age of 24, I still need to beg for my parents' money for my study fees. That's hell of awful shit to hear, kan?

Muka aku tebal gila nak mampus.

Serius ni.

I don't think asking people straight questions like "Eh kau dah pakai tudung ke sekarang?" is really appropriate.

The problem with us people is, we tend to put so much concern on other people's business we need to ask what we've already seen by our own eyes.

If you see a lady wearing hijab, you don't have to ask if she's wearing hijab, because that is pathetically useless.

You just have to assume she's directing herself to a better path, and pray for her best.

I am sorry, but I'm a type of person who gets offended easily, so this thing gets me irritated with just one simple question. Because this is kinda overwhelming. You know, being asked with such questions makes me feel like I need to give people confirmation about me wearing one. And I don't want that.

You know me with my hijab wearing cycle, right? I kinda have this free-hair, covered hair cycle. So that kind of questions bugs me to the core. So if you knew me well enough, you won't be asking the question. Because if you do so, you're actually punishing me, psychologically.

I actually don't know until when will this last. I really hope that it's going to be until my last breath. I need to push myself, because I just realized that there's no such things like "Why should I wear it when I'm not sincere enough about wearing it?" because after all, its my responsibility to do so. Leave your sincerity to Allah, because only He can judge that. I'm no saint or even preacher, but if you think deeper, you'll get what I mean.

Plus, I no longer crying for attention, I don't want people to see me. So I just need to be very invisible.

And it's not like when I'm wearing one, means that I've changed, personality wise. I may need to adjust certain things like you know what, but I'm still the same person. I won't change, as long as you have faith in me.

This is no issue at all for all of you, but it really is for me.

My heart is fragile, I don't want this to affect any of my decisions, as well as it might affect the way I communicate with other people.

Please.

Just don't ask. Because words now, have a capability to kill me.

Astaga, kok keterlaluan?

Here's a funny story.

I haven't cried for months. I wonder why did that happen. I kept asking myself and my friends why didn't I cry.

Man, I cry while watching sad movies, I cry whenever I reminisce old good times especially the ones with deceased persons, and I simply cry whenever I saw violence, and some others simple things.

I do admit that I have a fragile heart, I cry sometimes in my sleep. Pathetic, I know.

But these past few months, I haven't shed even a single tear. I don't know why. So the thought of I am getting better in handling emotions and such came into my mind, which leads to the belief that I am getting stronger and bla bla bla. And you know, what else could appear in my heart that time other than riak.

I'm a jerk. You should know that.

Until few weeks back.

I lost my purse in KL, and practically my whole life. I had everything in that purse, cash, IDs, licence, both of my IIUM's matric cards, ATM cards, important notes, and even a check I just collected few days before that.

AND I CRIED LIKE A FREAKING BABY.

Terrific.

All settled already, I paid RM242 for IDs, ATM cards, and licence replacement. That's the price of my own carelessness.

What I want to say here is, God does know what's inside your heart. All He did was give you a little test, to make you realize who you really are.

Being humble in front of everyone else is damn easy, try to be humble to yourself, it is tougher than anything you know. Seriously.

Lesson learned.

Huru Hara Ayam

Okay penulisan surat-surat jiwang akan disambung selepas selesai bab-bab buat IC baru, lesen memandu baru, kad bank baru, dan sebagainya.

Hidup tuan punya blog sumpah huru hara buat masa ini.

Juga aktiviti mengeblog akan disambung selepas beberapa gambar di dalam blog telah dibuang, atas permintaan tuan punya blog.

T________________T

If only I have a cloud friend.

taken from Tumblr