The girl I am.

Dude, it was 10 years ago, but I'm a girl. I don't forget things easily.

I would never forget the day you told me you wanted to wait till I finish school and then we can be the 'item', and then one day you were caught by JAIS over khalwat with my own freaking friend.

I would never forget the day you came back to me saying all craps like, "I love you, but I love my wife, too," and then you're gone with the wind.

I would never forget the day you came back to me telling me stuff about your divorce and how bad she was for 'snatching' your own daughter and refraining you from seeing her.

And I certainly would never forget the day you came back just to tell me you're getting married with another girl this coming December, which I myself failed to figure out what's the purpose behind it.

Why is that?

Why do you think I am that easy I could swallow all shits you're throwing back to me?

I know you're just a history, but come on, cut me some slack.

I am definitely a girl.

Because bitches never shut the hell up, amaraitt?

Seriously, it is hard to earn respect from me.

Even though you're older, you're richer or even smarter than me,

I don't pay that respect easily.

I am a stubborn kid, remember.

When you see me not saying anything or just keep myself in silence, you should know that it is not because of respect, but it is solely because one, I don't create drama. Two, I don't want you to cuss my parents for raising such an arrogant daughter like me. After all, that is what we all do,

"Mak bapak tak ajar..."

I just don't want that and you know nothing about my parents.

So yes, think before you say anything,

I can take that freaking insulting jokes,

I can take all scream and curse,

but you should know the right time to do so.

Don't poke the bear, so they say.

This world is getting older.

Even though I live in this remote place, I do see things on the news (read: through Facebook).

So yes, I am anti-violence. I think every sane human being shares the same belief as mine.

I saw so many violent things on Facebook nowadays, and that, frustrate me to the core.

Countless number of crime, like animal abuse, infant sodomy, what else?

Don't let me start with war and all that.

People are getting creepier day by day, values of morality getting thinner and what is left for the world if things like this happen caused by us?

The sickest thing about this is,

none of us really can predict how sick a human being could be.

It is always surprising, not in a good way of course.

And that scares me to hell.

You are as ugly as how you often joke about that to make us go, "No, you're not!". But yes, no need to joke, you're damn ugly.

This is what I said to my girl earlier today,

"Everyone is allowed to have weaknesses, but to make other people upset, is not one of those. Should be a difference there."

And above is about a guy, who we all thought was a really good man, I mean a really really good man, but as usual, immaturity bites like a little, yes.

So yeah, I believe what I believe is true.

You can be ugly, you can be lack of everything, but don't hurt other people in any possible way you could think of. Because it is not only making you uglier, it makes you hideous.

Especially when it comes to feelings-related stuff. Because that is when heart draws a line, and no one could ever go back and just scrap the shits done. Never.

No one wants to be hurt. Even you. So don't think of hurting other people because shit ain't go nowhere but to be rubbed back in your face.

Because life is always cruel like that.

And girl, when life gives you lemon, share it with others, don't eat it all, alright? And I am always yours.

This is also going to be a note to self. I apologize if I've ever done wrong that might hurt you people. I am truly sorry. Truly sorry.

Orang kita cakap, "Berlagak nak mampus."

"I baru beli kasut ni, dalam 4, 5 ribu jugak la harga dia, parents I macam tak bagi, sebab nak pakai dekat kaki kan? Tapi I nak jugak, I tak kira. I tak kisah pun harga dia mahal, sebab I dah suka sangat kan, I beli je la."

Macam celaka.

Being wealthy is not a crime, I know that. But bragging about stuff you have, brands you know, class you're living in is totally a major turn-off.

No one deserves to brag. That is totally lame, especially the ones who think they are rich, but actually they're not, their parents are. It is sick, you know. No one wants to hear us babbling about stuff we have.

I don't see what is the point of wanting people to know that we're wearing expensive things? Why? I get it, we want people to look at us, we want people to envy us, so okay, leave the things to do it by themselves. Show them to the world, it's between us and our God, He will judge our intentions, not other people, but please, keep our freaking mouth shut.

It is not gonna bring us anywhere, I tell you.

There's nothing wrong wearing Prada and not telling people about you wearing Prada.

Yes, pronouns 'we' and 'us' are used because I'm saying this to myself too.

And no, I'm not writing this because I'm jealous of someone who wears Prada and bragging about wearing Prada.

I just hate it when people bring brand names in every conversation I am in, or I am witnessing.

Can't afford to wear such expensive clothes and drink expensive coffee in another hundred years, but no, I'm not jealous of people who can.

It's just, come on, you're not gonna get to bring all in your grave, aye?

I know I'm gonna get in my grave with few pieces of fabric only.

And please, don't get me started with people who wear fake shits and claimed they are original. Social desperation is gonna kill you in the end.

Of looks and attraction.

I am finally on it. So I can really blame my hormones if this post is gonna sound a bit harsh, or maybe, too narrow.

I don't mind if people look at superficial traits, rather than looking at inner side of their potential partner. I mean, I used to hate that stereotype, but now, I really don't mind, it is a personal choice.

What I can't believe happening now is, it applies in friendship. What? Really? Come on. That's not supposed to happen. This is no high school.

Its like this, one person wants to befriend with this whole group of people, awesome, pretty, rich people, but then this person was rejected, because this person doesn't possess the same quality that these people have. I mean, what ze hell?

I may be one of these people, I admit. But only if this person turn me off with his/her stupidity during the first meet. And stupidity here in terms of behaviors, people, and that, annoys me so much.

I don't mind having friends who are ugly, poor, and imperfect, as long as they know how to bring themselves, because I do pick friends according to that.

But no, to refuse a friendship because the other party is not pretty, not rich, not popular, not sexy, that is not awesome.

Social standards are just bullshit. We'll be under the same ground kot eventually, why so sombong? And we don't base a friendship on physical looks, but honesty, arse.

By the way, "Hi Kak Long, boleh berkenalan" with some weird tune is not an appropriate way to make friends, alright? That one, no matter how good looking you are, or how rich you are, I won't ever suggest people to start a friendship with you, or person who said that pick-up line, because that's just, you know, rude.

Buttheads can never think properly, I think.

I have this sense that there's gonna be an endless discussion pertaining to this thing. At least here in my blog.

Not to say that I'm a saint or a preacher, but God, please let these humans know that somehow, each and everyone of us should be respected, no matter what.

"Oh, kau dekat mana ni?"

"Dekat atas katil, nak join ke?"

And numbers of conversation just like this.

Seriously, what the fudge?

Please note that both participants share different genders. And you may guess which participants said which sentences.

So yes, I get it, you're joking. But what the hell are you thinking exactly? That ain't no joke, dude. No.

I am not being sexist, but as an individual, I don't appreciate this as much as I don't appreciate sexual abuse. Because it is one kind of it actually, if you notice.

I don't care if you're a friend, or someone that I knew, (no, not relative because that'd be very very sick) but you know there's always a limit when it comes to joking, or teasing. Please try that kind of joke on someone else, I don't know if they can accept it as a joke really, but not me, I am full of dignity, I don't talk shit like that with random people.

Yes, okay, I do joke about dirty things, but only with close friends, but hell no, I don't go beyond the limit, it was for laugh only and never in my awareness someone has changed their perception towards me because I'm full of dirty things. You can go and ask my bitches if you want to.

I am mad. I am very very mad about this stupid perversion.

Please, act like adult. Adults may like dirty things, but real adults don't talk dirty to other people. It may look fun to you, but believe me, not more than you yourself may agree with you thoughts.

Barney Stinson is awesome yes, but no, that's just a fictional character, don't bring it to life. Please. Do not ever think that you'll be as awesome as he is, in reality.

To be continued.

Relatives and their useless presence.

"Grab somebody sexy tell them heyy,"

Yes, that song has been in my head for at least 2 weeks, and I can't get it out of my head. Nothing to do with the post, though.

Let me tell you a story about how I ended up hating my cousins on my father's side so much and how I prefer spending my lifetime with mine on my mother's side. So okay, let's start with my mother's side. She has 10 siblings, she's the sixth, so imagine how many cousins that I have around my real age? Plenty, but I am close to only four or five of them. We grew up together, we entered university together, we started working together. Catfights were there, we are only human, but we won't go to far from that. You know, when you cross the line and say things that you're not supposed to say. After all, we're good. Until now.

Let's move to my father's side. He's the second last of 14 siblings. He has a younger sister, who is one year younger than him. So relatives from my father's side, they kind of dislike my mother, on certain reasons, I suppose. Because one, my mother is 11 years younger than my father, two, she's from Kuala Lumpur, and I don't know why has that become a problem, first thing first.

So okay, I do have cousins my age, or maybe older and younger few years than me. I don't know, maybe it was their close-mindedness, or maybe because the educational gap between us, or maybe they think there's no use to like me or just simply whatever, caused something like a thin line that limit our relationship to exist. I don't talk much, I don't go out from house, I don't smile often, and I don't say hi to them. So yeah, maybe that's the reason why we don't favor each other.

Anyway, there's a story between me and my aunt's (father's sister) sons.

There are three of them. All are older than me. When we're reaching puberty, entering our teenage life, we stopped talking. I just don't know why. Last time I saw them, was three or four years ago. And nothing came out from our mouth, even though we're standing in front of each other.

What I hate the most is when we no longer talk, they, yes they, started to say things.

I remember when we went back to kampung, when I was like 14 or 15, back then we haven't move to Batu Pahat yet, so yes, there they were, as expected because it was Raya time. The first thing I heard came out from the eldest mouth was "Macam bohsia." in front of my mum as we shook hands. I may consider his rudeness if it was only me who had to listen to it, but in front of my mother? I don't share blood relationship with an asshole. So from that moment, they are the ones that are prohibited in my life. If ever anything happened that might involve family as a matter of fact, I don't think they have my sincere invitation to step into my life, or even my house.

They are simply not my relative anymore.

Last two weeks, they came back and stayed at my another aunt's house, which I didn't get to see them. But knowing that they were there, I told myself one thing, do not ever let go the opportunity to smash one's face whenever you get the chance to do it.

But yes, to punch them faces now is kinda irrational. So I'll just wait till next time.

So yes, having difficulties with your relatives is not something you look forward to in life, but I don't know, life happens like what it is supposed to be. If it meant to be for me not being closer to my father's relative, then its okay, at least I still survive not depending on them.

Sounds selfish, but yes, its what my heart saying.

Social experiment often upsets me.

There are actually two things I am about to say today. Here goes the first one.

____________________________________________________________________

Big talk always comes from a small person. Not physically, but you know what I mean.

Yes, you might say it is how you motivate yourself, but please, don't you think it would annoy people after all? You're so full on the outside, yet failed to hide that you're actually empty on the inside. And that's not good for your health.

Don't forget to look at where you're standing man. Don't forget to do that before you start bragging about yourself. Don't get so comfortable saying things that make you look good where you actually have nothing to offer anyway. Don't be an attention seeker. It is rather sad.

Because people know who you really are. Because people know how big your talk is and how small your penis/vagina is.

You go around telling people you have all the confidence in the world that you'd be fine by your own yet you are actually scared to face the world alone. No, it's not a right thing to do. The right thing to do is you do good things to yourself without telling people you're doing so. Or at least you don't go hoping for people to look at you while you're doing those good things. That is called pretending, if you're still clueless with what the hell am I talking here about.

Talk smart, man.

You don't have to impress other people, the only person you have to give good impressions is you.

And one more thing, don't go bitching about your friends, behind their back, especially the ones who have helped to pick up your shits when you have no one else you can turn to. It's pathetically unethical. And irresponsible.

____________________________________________________________________

The awkward moment when you realize your friends no longer want to be your friends,

is the moment where you begin to think about whatever your fault is, and I can't find mine.

Like I said before, I am tired of drama, bitch. I am tired of knowing this without any notifications. So if you want to stop being my friends, don't leave me hanging like a motherfucker, there. Just say it straight to my face, say "You're stupid, I don't want to be your friend, anymore." or maybe "You're not reaching my standards, we shouldn't be friends." Which I believe would be easier for us.

When you leave me there, without knowing what did I do to you, it's going to lead to an unfinished business between us, and I don't want that, I don't want to be burned in hell because of you, if you know what I mean. So, if you have anything against me that stopped you from being my friends, let me know hell details about that.

And after things are settled, it's up to you to live your fucking life without me being in it, I don't give a fuck. Why would I want to be your friend if you don't want me being yours?

Give me credit for having self-love, please. I just want to be fair to myself.

Kau ingat aku malaikat nak sabar lebih-lebih?

Aku dah lama hidup tak ada rasa marah dekat orang. Okay tipu, baru dua hari lepas aku marah orang tegur aku gemuk. Celaka.

Tapi maksud aku di sini, aku dah lama tak marah, geram sampai terbawak-bawak mengigau, bangun tidur sambung geram sampai menangis terajang dinding.

Jangan nak mula.

Ibu baru pesan dekat aku,

"Sebab mencarut tu lah hidup jadi tak berkat, rezeki susah nak datang."

Kau jangan nak mula.

We can be awesome at any age.

It’s not that I’m saying being friends to people younger than me is not good for health. But please, I’m tired of drama. I freaking am an adult. I don’t need drama. Neither do I need that happy ending any sooner. I’m fine with life ups and downs, but no, drama is just for teenagers, who have daddy issues or perhaps, self issues.

I am done with being teenager and clueless, where at one point, I thought it was cool to lay down on the grass and my own puke. I am done with being teenager and emotional, where I locked myself in bathroom, try to cut myself because of my good friends was hooking up with the guy I like.

I gave up all of those because I thought it would be nice if I start to learn how to act like an adult. Okay fine, being an adult may not be as good as it sounds. But you know, the point is, I can’t stand seeing bitchy life which is so nauseating. So people said, certain people might have difficulties in their life, so do I, but it is not a reason for you to affect others for heaven’s sake. If you find life is not promising as you thought it could be, work it that way. Just stop thinking it is going to please you all the way down.

So, if you see me walking away, that’s probably because I don’t want to hear anything about you and your stupid lovers, or you and your stupid life. I am not saying my life is perfect, in fact it is far from that, but you see, the difference between our lives is I don’t go and twist it around to survive.

It is not that cheap, I believe.

I am making my own point, but you perhaps might find it hard to understand, because your mind is thousand years younger than your actual age, which leads to the fact that I don’t think being friends with older people would make me any wiser, looking at certain circumstances.

Some of them just love drama they think they look cute living in one.

A story of a sociopath.

Hey, there are several things to say.

1. The closer I get to the date I'm going back to my hometown, the happier I get to be. Seriously.

2. Yes, we evolve. But things or people don't really stay. And that's rather sad.

3. I am seriously in need of cash. Boy, I failed as a daughter.

4. Look, I thought I love Twitter. But I actually don't. I no longer know the real function of it.

5. My shitty life is not moving. Everyone else's does. That is the shitty part of it.

6. Bitching is a new way to make friends. Try that, especially if you're a girl who has self issues.

7. Getting older is not funny anymore. Able to do practically everything is scary, dude.

8. I regret moving in together with my cousin. I should have not done that.

9. I am gonna get a cat, a fat cat, in May, for heaven's sake.

10. No, nothing about boys this time. Talking about men all the time makes me feel like a little whore.

Pictures, later. When I am in the mood.

Oh, pretending like things are okay when you know they aren't, sucks, big time. You don't have to be my anything if you don't want to. I am a grown woman, I can stand on my own. I don't need coward bastards to fake a smile, to ask me whether I'm okay or not just to feel good about themselves.

Because you've hurt me, not so long ago, remember?

And trying to make it up to yourself, is cheap. Seriously.

Masuk ni je dah berapa kali hal lu naik dalam blog gua. Kesian kan?

Entah lah, gua rasa pervert dengan desperado macam lebih kurang je function dia.

Okay, housemate gua cantik. Cantik gila masalahnya. Pastu, nama pun housemate, mesti lah saling ada Facebook masing-masing. Satu hari, housemate gua balik kerja,

"Tadi ada kawan kau, dia mesej dekat FB, dia kata macamgini, "Oh, awak kawan Nisa' ke? UIA jugak?" Kawan kau ke?"

Tak pernah ada pun orang yang kenal gua, panggil gua Nisa'. Nisa' pulak tu, kalau Nisa boleh tahan lah lagi. Tak puas hati, gua suruh dia tunjuk siapa. Rupa-rupanya, lelaki ni, jumpa gua baru sekali. Cakap dengan gua pun tak pernah. Lepastu pernah sekali sound gua dekat FB. Patut lah panggil Nisa. Nama gua pun belum tentu dia ingat.

Lepas tu buat-buat nak berkenalan pulak dengan housemate gua.

Buat-buat tanya guna nama gua, macam dah kenal gua dari bersunat lagi.

Cis, terus gua delete lelaki ni.

Gua suspek dia pergi stalk perempuan dekat wall FB gua, pastu jumpa mana berkenan,mesej nak berkenalan.

Sebab gua tengok, dia dengan housemate gua takde mutual friends pun kecuali gua.

Hadoi, nampak murah la situasi begini.

Tak, gua bukan jeles. Gua menyirap. Dulu, dia kutuk gua, tak patut punya padu. Dulu, dia suruh kawan gua kurus dulu kalau nak kapel dengan dia. Dulu, masa gua jumpa dia, gaya dia memang 'Aku lah Hero Malaya tu, korang tak tau ke?'

Sekali kalau gua dapat terajang tengkuk lu, memang lu kenyang seumur hidup la makan pakai straw.

Buat hal lah kau ni.

I may no longer have the power to curse and swear, but that wouldn't really stop me from smashing some faces, if I want to.

Firstly, you have deleted me from your friends list, virtually as well as in reality. I am fine with that, because I know a coward just can always talk way too much, and later find so many reasons to save his/her own ass. I am used to that.

The act of deleting me from your friend list as if you don't want me to know anything about you, really makes me want to puke. Funny thing is, you're the one here reading things I wrote. Not that I don't allow you to read my blog, I know you've been waiting for a post that specially dedicated to you. But what makes me damn frustrated is that I still don't have the opportunity to slap your face several times, for messing with me, my friends as well as for that big mouth you have.

Seriously, get over yourself. I don't miss you that much. And believe me, I know it's you. I no longer wait for you to say things you're supposed to say. I know you're always like that. A little coward. Go cry your ass off, that is all you could do.

Via acceptance.

Clearly, you've messed with the wrong person here, mate.

I don't give a single fuck about your belief and your perceptions. I am angry, I am sad, but really, I won't say it right to your face, because I know, it would only be a waste of time. I am sorry if I am never good enough for you, I even feel bad about myself, let alone to please your expectations.

All people around the world really waste their time thinking about first impression but shit I don't care because I am not scared of myself. And yes, you are scared of your own shadows. And from there, you just build yourself to become shallow. Just free yourself from insecurities for fuck's sake, that is so 2000 years ago.

I don't expect anything from you, neither do I owe anything from you. But I am sorry, you're just low. And we'll see, how far you can bring yourself from there.

Semak otak lah dengan kau.

Kalau tak suka, kau blah sudah. Kau simpan lagi buat apa? Macam babi.

Tuan Puteri Blackout

So that's my new nickname.

Spending hours in government hospital is worse than fighting with death, I must say. That's the last place on earth I would let myself be at.

So yes, I was in the emergency room, half-conscious, failed to open my eyes. But really, if let say I have energy that time, I could have slapped all the Malay MAs, they're so rude. More dissapointing, only those Malay bastards acted like that. Now I'm being racist to my own race, but the hell I don't care. People pay tax, so they deserve to be treated equally. And that is not anyone's problem if those fucktards receive low salary so they can do their job carelessly or half-heartedly.

This issue is quite common when it comes to government hospital and people who work there. I've faced this kind of shit when I was 17, no way I'm not going to get medical treatment at government hospital anymore.

I'd rather die at home.

And don't let me start with UIA's clinical services.

And dear friends, that is why I don't do random friendships on Facebook.

Seriously, is there any decent guy left?

“Bitch, I am old and mature enough to talk about sex. Not that I like to talk about sex, I can talk about sex I am fucking 23 you dumb whore. It’s just I don’t want to, especially with a random guy like you. Don’t think I am old-fashioned if I think sex should be in the second, third or fourth place.

I think sex is good, sex is something we human being need in our life. Sex can be romantic, or kinky it depends on how we want it to be. Sex can be meaningful, as well as meaningless it depends on the purpose for you to have it in the first place.

But dude, I still believe in my religion. Please. You talked like you’re some sort of person who doesn’t believe God exists. Come on. So what if I don’t want sex to happen before I get married? Is it considered unethical or something? Just because you look at me as if I am the greatest bitch in my era, you see me as one cheap slut you can like drag me to a corner and nail me like a motherfucker?

And I still cannot believe, of all girls, me, with flat boobs and tons of fat? You must be really desperate.

But yes, it’s not saying of mine that you can do that to other girls. That’s not cool. Sex before marriage is not cool, for fuck sake, neither dirty talking to a stranger.

Try masturbation, I heard it’s good.

At least until you found the right one to put a ring on her finger. Lame, I know, but somehow, losing your virginity before you get married, it’s not something you should be proud of.”

Talking scumbag’s loss of self-respect.

Pity pity pity lonely men.

And fun fact number one, all are Malay.

Fun fact number two, the first guy is in early teenage desire, the second is probably having middle life crisis, and the third, I've met him, he is a friend of Sheima, 29 years old adult who probably own a stack of porn collection.

Diversity of age in sexual perversion surprises me.

I feel like chopping dicks into tiny little pieces.

Jiwang dan kesannya.

So yesterday, Sunday, I spent my time watching 4 romance movies, straight. And continuously after that, I've been reading random blogs about love, romance, affection and all related. And then, something happened, to me. I had all this lovey-dovey, flowery feelings all day long, even until now. I don't know why, can't blame hormones, because PMS often leaves me with anger, guilt and frustration. Not this.

So yes, I posted things on my friends' wall, saying that I am all jiwang, how I wish I have a boyfriend right now lah, I want to get married by all means, tomorrow if possible lah and shits like that. They just laughed and jokingly said it's all crap lah, I got carried away lah etc. It's such a laugh, yeah I believe so.

So later in the evening, I was chatting with my friend, so I said "Hey come on, find me one good lad, I am all lonely and bla bla." So he said,

"Kid, kau diet la, bagi kurus, baru la ada lelaki yang nak dekat kau."

So yeah, I was hell offended. I cut off the talk, like immediately. Because he's my friend, and I don't want to fire him just because he's been cheap and unreasonable.

So Bro, if you want to be a mean, insensitive prick, at least look at yourself first, try not to lower your standard by saying crappy things like that. Because if that is what you, or other guys see in a girl, a bloody fat girl like me, I fucking swear to God I am better off alone with my own huge ass. I don't have to please people by looking hot, skinny and sexy yet I suffer myself from seeking for true love or whatever shit counts. I am no good inside out I admit, but why do you think you can truly appreciate what is good without accepting what is bad? Come on, you're better than that.

So anyways, good for you to say such things, so now I know you're typical Malay guy who only managed to get lower education you didn't have a chance to learn how to value people. I feel sorry for you, really. What a shame.

So of course I blame myself for being such a stupid asshole. I shouldn't have had that conversation with you, knowing that you're shitty like that.