Eh lah kau ni.

Bodoh, we are bound to make mistakes in this life kot.

But bodoh plus one, we're not supposed to make silly mistakes,

intended mistakes or mistakes that you know you're gonna pay back for later.

You know what's the real meaning of stupid?

People who still make mistake when they clearly know the consequences of it.

I am not holy, but I know, even mistake has its own limit.

Nak kena tampar ke?

Awkward girl and her surrounding.

I need to fuel up my car tank, but I need to post about something now, first.


I've been living in Sintok since two weeks ago. Though I no longer need to attend classes, I need to see my supervisor constantly after she rejected my proposal cis I think I might need to extend one more semester. Though its is fine since its not really affect my study duration, and I can start working right after I've done my proposal defense, but still... and life here, its like hell.

Good God, I desperately need to be less sombong, or unfriendly maybe. I tried to approach people before this, really, but in the end, it become more awkward and I, who can't stand awkwardness will cut any kind of communication on the spot. What's the wrong la this is woi?



Can someone please tell me how to become friendlier, please?

The Couples

My two favorite girls are married.

One is my ultra best friend, Ijat, the one in purple.

Another is Lye, my ultra cousin, the one in yellow.

It is kinda late to post about Ijat's wedding, since it was three months ago, and she's already pregnant at the moment, but still, she's my favorite girl. And Lye's wedding was held last two weeks.

And this makes me ponder about something.

Everyone around me is really settling down.

Though me and Ijat, we don't have enough memories compared to what I have with Lye, we have our own bubble. What I share with Ijat is rather special, I could not let her go no matter what.

And with Lye, I spent half of my childhood with her, and there's a space filled by her in my adulthood. She was really there whenever I'm up or down, and she still is.

Now, they are married.

I am super happy.

More people are getting married, and I am pleased to eat more lauk kenduri.

After all, nothing to feel regret about actually.

Should I write about this? No, I shouldn't.

But yes, because I don't have anyone else to talk to about this.

Everyone is little tired of the story of my past.

Today, part of me said that I shouldn't have opened my Facebook.

A little regret, knowing that I myself often get too carried away over unnecessary things.

My then best friend and my only ex-boyfriend got engaged last two days.

The day has arrived.

I kept having this weird feelings when I see the photos. But nope, not negatively.

Maybe because of the history of all this.

Thinking about it, what have I done?

Why did I hate them back then?

What did they do to me, really?

Why did I keep that hatred towards them for years, when all they did was loving each other normally like other people do?

Why can't I let them go and just move on?

These, make me want to knock myself so hard, I should have been more understanding about them dating. I regret myself for being so childish and selfish. And the only people who's losing is me, actually.

If only I could turn back time, I would just endure the pain that eventually will fade away, just like now and keep her as my best friend. It wont be so hard, I guess.

But yes, If I didn't let her go, I won't have the life I have now, I wouldn't have more awesome best friends whom I cannot lose till the day I die. That, somehow is another good side of it that I should not let pass.

And after 4, 5 years, I really hope this is not a useless thing to say. I really hope the day will eventually come and they will live happily as husband and wife.

Congratulations Mimin and Ebi, from the bottom of my heart.

Bad girl being stupid and immature.

Well, one of bad qualities of mine is that I hold...grudge.

From the smallest bit, to the big ones.

I know its not a good thing to have in this life, but in my defense, I treat it as reminder, not to repeat the same mistake again. In a way, it is similar to self-protection, so I don't mind living like that.

That is why reconciliation never exist in my dictionary, though there'll be apologies and making up after every fight or misunderstanding, I found it very hard to let the anger go. I don't move on easily.

On top of that, I can't take the aftermath, which is the awkwardness.

Bad girl.

What happened during my hiatus.

I think I grew up a little bit.

I spent last few months reminiscing old memories, how many years I went through being a piece of trash, how many nights I spent being damned, how I became rebellious due to lack of attention, not from my parents, but from surrounding, and how I was struck back.

However, I don't regret growing up the way I did, because if I was too beautiful, I was too smart, I was too rich, I won't be thinking about this later when I'm supposed to. Because I know myself, I was too fragile, too desperate and too stupid.

Well, I asked Ayah few days ago during iftar,

"When do you think the hardest period of our life as a family, Yah?"

Ayah answered,

"I don't think we have ever gone through any lowest situation. Nope. Never."

I am proud of his answer, he didn't say that because of his pride, it was because he is strong like that.

I never see him whining about any single thing happened to us. Let alone being mad seeing me failed.

And then Min, out of nowhere said,

"The year of 2009."

It was like he can read my mind. And then I realized, that was when I started to change. I started to think as an adult, to consider about things, to think about future.

I admit, I am the best living example of "people can only start to realize when they were knocked out by life". It was the hardest. Of course I feel really grateful those things happened to our family, because if not, I don't know what kind of person I am going to turn out to be.

Start again, every time you fail, every time your hopes were crushed into pieces.

Why is everyone else getting married and you're not.

One thing I learn about marriage. Or jodoh specifically.
Its all about qada' and qadar.


You can never know that you're going to marry your best friend.
You can never know that you're going to marry your ex-boyfriend four years after the breakup.
You can never know that you're going to marry someone after few months knowing him/her.
You can never know that you're going to marry someone over a one month decision.

But also.

You can never know that your fiance is going to break the engagement a day before ijabkabul.
You can never know that your husband/wife is going to die few days after ijabkabul.
You can never know that how long your marriage is going to last.


No matter how hard you try to keep it up.
And whether you are well-prepared or not.


Its not that I'm giving bad impression, saying getting married is just a waste, but you know, everything is destined, by someone up there. Everything can happen. So there's really no point whining. Whether it's late or early, whether it last or not, only God knows why He set that up for you.

Have a little faith. 



But that also answers the popular question, why everyone else is getting married and you're not?







On the other hand, it's been two months since I last wrote. I've lost my muse, truthfully. Apart from being so busy completing my final (my own version of final) semester, I've lost my muse to write. Though there're so many things happened during the hiatus, I couldn't find the will, the excitement, the urge to write. But yes, since I'm on three four five months holiday, I think I better start writing again. 


So many things happened my fingers are going to bleed till death from typing.

Bandung dan keselesaan yang terbawa.

I just got back from the second visit to Bandung.

It was, beyond awesome.

Awesome because of so many reasons.

One, because I've got to know some new friends.

Two, because 6 days were spent without any regret.

Three, because every money spent brought a smile on my face.

Four, because there are series of shocking new things.

And five, because behind everything that I saw, there's always something to learn about.

I tried living just like them, tried to blend in with the social interaction, I even tried things I never wanted, or even thought I'd be doing it in my life. So I had fun in everything that actually lacks, that I myself would arrogantly avoid to do if I were in my own country.

Guess the thought that people survive no matter what, is true. Freaking true.

This visit actually was for my thesis, because I'm writing on a comparison between them and us Malay in terms of our English. So for that, I've got to learn more about their social culture, of course to relate it with the English language in their country.

Along with that, I met new friends, and what makes it interesting is how they treat us as the outsiders. Not sure whether it is really their culture of welcoming new people inside their circle, but it was really, different. Never in our social circle, I have ever felt that way. It was the first time of my life.

Still, even for the second time, I just cant stop myself from feeling that something in my heart that is losing.

It breaks my heart to see how they face every limitation in order to survive.

It breaks my heart seeing them not being able to enjoy the life like I am in right now.

And for all of it, the thing that really broke my heart is when they said that what really matters is today instead of tomorrow, the opposition of what I've taught myself in this life, which is to chase every tomorrow and leave behind whatever today brings.

And I respect them as they taught me so many things behind every sincere smile and laugh. Allah bless them all.

No photos, as I was busy chasing life.

Blergh

The general structures of expectation established in people's mind by the culture they live in have been variously called frames or schemata. (Kramsch, 2010)

The only thing that we, human being cannot get away from.

So what good am I to you?

The girl I am.

Dude, it was 10 years ago, but I'm a girl. I don't forget things easily.

I would never forget the day you told me you wanted to wait till I finish school and then we can be the 'item', and then one day you were caught by JAIS over khalwat with my own freaking friend.

I would never forget the day you came back to me saying all craps like, "I love you, but I love my wife, too," and then you're gone with the wind.

I would never forget the day you came back to me telling me stuff about your divorce and how bad she was for 'snatching' your own daughter and refraining you from seeing her.

And I certainly would never forget the day you came back just to tell me you're getting married with another girl this coming December, which I myself failed to figure out what's the purpose behind it.

Why is that?

Why do you think I am that easy I could swallow all shits you're throwing back to me?

I know you're just a history, but come on, cut me some slack.

I am definitely a girl.

2012 is being unfair, noooo!

Its only March, see what I've missed. And going to miss.

1. Underoath. I feel like slitting my own throat for missing it.

2. TDEP. Again, gonna slit my throat.

3. Toe.

4. Death Cab For Cutie.

5. Radiohead.

6. The Cranberries.

And many more.

But I must not, I repeat, I must not miss these three;

1. August Burns Red & Blessthefall this end of April.

and

2. The Changcuters somewhere in May I heard.

Please make way for me, please?

I love weddings!

Last Sunday, it was the solemnization of my baby girl, Nadal. I didn't manage to go to the ceremony, as I arrived in KL a bit late the night before.

It was beautiful, I almost couldn't believe my baby girl is now someone's wife, she's the earliest among us who got hitched first. Even I almost cried when I read the tweets by other girls who attended her solemnization. I fell in love with her wedding dresses, both for solemnization as well as for reception. She looked really beautiful, she's such a doll.

And photos taken from Wani's and Nana's and Ajie's FB.

Her dress's stunning!

Stunning one more time, and the pelamin is super comel!

Remember us? Me, Nana and Ain and their boyfriends. Yes, the groom is Nana's kid brother. And she and her boyfriend is next in line.

These are my super best friends from left Ajie, Sheima, Nana, Me, Ain and Ijat.

Comel kan Hazeman? Macam nak siku.

Congratulations baby! Though you're someone's wife now, you'll always be my baby. I love you.

Because bitches never shut the hell up, amaraitt?

Seriously, it is hard to earn respect from me.

Even though you're older, you're richer or even smarter than me,

I don't pay that respect easily.

I am a stubborn kid, remember.

When you see me not saying anything or just keep myself in silence, you should know that it is not because of respect, but it is solely because one, I don't create drama. Two, I don't want you to cuss my parents for raising such an arrogant daughter like me. After all, that is what we all do,

"Mak bapak tak ajar..."

I just don't want that and you know nothing about my parents.

So yes, think before you say anything,

I can take that freaking insulting jokes,

I can take all scream and curse,

but you should know the right time to do so.

Don't poke the bear, so they say.

It was built in 1922.

Last weekend, I went to Penang after approximately 13 years hoi I was so freaking excited I got hyper all the way from Sintok to the island.

There's nothing much apart from a visit to Little India, Penang Road, Penang Hill (this one, I'm not gonna get up there, because its too high I cannot stand it) and shopping malls to spend my student 1 Malaysia vouchers.

Well, I didn't get the chance to taste Penang real food for the second time (and after 13 years, of course, its not like there's no Penang food outside of Penang, but you know what I mean, the feel, the feel), but I stayed at my friend's place, and her mother is a Super Cook, seriously her curry made me cry, super tasty I feel like smuggling her mom back to Sintok and let me and my tummy die in happiness.

Okay, till then.

But before that, it sucks not to have Internet connection in my room, and I am too bimbo to blog from my phone, but it seems like I've abandoned this blog for quite a long bit. There's so much more to talk about, but there's no opportunity to do so. Tsk.

So, this year.

Never too late to have new resolutions, I suppose.

This year, I'm gonna start paying my PTPTN loan, be it MYR50 per month, I must pay.

This year, I'm so gonna watch my own language as its getting crappier day by day.

This year, I'm gonna bring that shopping bag I got as a gift from A&A Family Day Committees, wherever I go.

This year, I'm gonna smile more that I did last year. To random people, I mean.

This year, I'm gonna start lowering my hijab, appropriately below my chest, because it does make me feel right. And yes, because it is God's demand, of course.

And this year, I'm gonna finish the whole Quran, all 30 juzu', as I am 25 years old this year and I don't wanna die in humiliation towards God.

InsyaAllah.

Bandung, and a hole in my heart.

A view from inside of the angkot, one of public transportations in Bandung,

in the middle of crazy traffic, of course.

And if you can see me in the rear mirror, trying to seduce pakcik angkot.

So yes, this is a post about Bandung.

Too bad I don't have many photos, because we're busy doing some recordings for Sheima's vlog, so I'll just wait for that.

Forget about what we did there during our vacation (you know us girls, Bandung, what else?), I want to talk about the other side of Bandung. I don't really have the correct suitable word for the place. But there's something different about the place. Despite its bad traffic and quite number of populations, I love Bandung because of its weather, the people there, the food (yes, the food!), and the ambiance.

The weather was so good I don't mind living there, its chilly but yet not too cold, even if its sunny.

The people are so nice, ramah-tamah level 16 Zuma.

And the food, the food, ya Allah. I can't stop thinking about their Teh Botol and Es Campur.

But one thing about Bandung, or maybe Indonesia that makes me wonder, is their youth waste.

I'm not saying this in a negative way, but it was sad to see perfect-healthy-probably-smarter-than-I-am teenagers busking at those traffic lights and road junctions. It was also sad seeing kids selling rocks (for the love of God, rocks), newspapers (one kid approached me and said, "Teh, beli korannya teh, buat nambah uang beli buku.") and stuff like that just to get money. They'd do anything to survive the poverty. My heart aches, until now.

Maybe it is due to overpopulation stuff or whatever, but the differences between one caste to another is really obvious we've never seen it anywhere in Malaysia, I swear to God. I feel bad that I sometimes look down on those immigrants, I've failed to remember there's another set of life lower than theirs back in their country, what they do to survive while I, enjoying my life bit to bit without having to worry about money I spend, about time I waste doing nothing and that saddens me to the freaking core.

So yes, that's one thing I won't forget about Bandung. The impact of seeing what I've just wrote above teaches me whole lot, like super I won't ever get it out of my mind. And I appreciate Bandung for that.

I am so gonna go to Bandung, again. In fact, I've bought tickets to Bandung, this April.

This time around, screw shopping, I'm gonna go get another meaning of life.

Nampak tak...

...kegelojohan di situ?

Jantan dan Betina.

I saw someone's status on FB, that goes something like this,

"Bla, bla, (Tagged name), bla bla... Aku carikan kau sorang betina... Bla bla bla..."

There is a relationship between Malay language and Malay culture, and how it leads to acceptance of its understanding among Malays themselves.

Let's go straight to the point.

My point of view, there's a BIG difference in the use of 'Jantan' and 'Betina' in our language.

One, obviously they are used to identify the sex of animals.

Two, yes, they are also used as human's identifier in certain conditions.

Some might disagree with me,

but hell I don't care.

Jantan - Man

Betina - Woman

While 'jantan' symbolizes men as a strong figure, 'betina' somehow carries bad, inappropriate meaning that will influence people's judgement towards the sex itself.

I am not being sexist, but it is common in our culture to know that 'betina' is an inappropriate call name since the time of our ancestors. This is different with the opposite. If you curse men by using the word 'jantan', the impact is never as big as you call a woman 'betina', rule back to our culture where it has shaped the acceptance and understanding towards this.

I mean, come on. Don't simply go and call random woman 'betina', it is not appropriate, especially if you're a man. It is like lowering women status where it is already under yours, obviously.

To be fair, Malay women also call other women with that name, especially when it involved those anger, rage, boyfriend/husband snatching, backstabbing and stuff like that. I have no point to rebut that, but the important thing here is, this call name thingy has to stop. Because it affects the value of politeness, of fudging course. I did use this call name, when I was angry and stuff, but when I saw people using it in normal situation like that FB status above, I realized that its freaking wrong.

So let us stop that. And the inappropriate use of 'jantan' too, if we must.

Please.

But its okay if you wanna name your pet Betina or Jantan, like mine. I wouldn't mind that, because it is appropriate enough.

I do type 'Tsk' too often these days.

I actually think seahorse is more attractive than unicorn, though these two animals have no connection at all, and this sentence make no sense at certain point and why am I still writing, I don't understand myself lately, I need someone to explain to me why people keep saying that I am actually fragile on the inside, they obviously don't know me well. See, I'm making no point here.

February and no improvement.

Well, there are so many wants, they even make me forget about my needs.

Life is hard at the moment.

Why?

Because I've been fighting with myself lately.

I want this, I want that, I want it to be like this, I want that to be like what I want.

And when it failed to turn out like what I want,

I become so frustrated I tend to lose hopes, and even my senses.

I forgot that certain things work their own way, not according to how I want it to be.

Why?

Because mommy looks so happy chilling in her own bubble, she doesn't realize it will pop eventually.

Now I know that reality isn't a bitch, I am the real bitch who is trying to cheat the reality.

I need someone to slap me in the face real hard.

One more chance to fix this. One more.

Tsk, I just remembered that I promised this blog a post about Bandung. Gonna do that, soon.