Blergh

The general structures of expectation established in people's mind by the culture they live in have been variously called frames or schemata. (Kramsch, 2010)

The only thing that we, human being cannot get away from.

So what good am I to you?

The girl I am.

Dude, it was 10 years ago, but I'm a girl. I don't forget things easily.

I would never forget the day you told me you wanted to wait till I finish school and then we can be the 'item', and then one day you were caught by JAIS over khalwat with my own freaking friend.

I would never forget the day you came back to me saying all craps like, "I love you, but I love my wife, too," and then you're gone with the wind.

I would never forget the day you came back to me telling me stuff about your divorce and how bad she was for 'snatching' your own daughter and refraining you from seeing her.

And I certainly would never forget the day you came back just to tell me you're getting married with another girl this coming December, which I myself failed to figure out what's the purpose behind it.

Why is that?

Why do you think I am that easy I could swallow all shits you're throwing back to me?

I know you're just a history, but come on, cut me some slack.

I am definitely a girl.

2012 is being unfair, noooo!

Its only March, see what I've missed. And going to miss.

1. Underoath. I feel like slitting my own throat for missing it.

2. TDEP. Again, gonna slit my throat.

3. Toe.

4. Death Cab For Cutie.

5. Radiohead.

6. The Cranberries.

And many more.

But I must not, I repeat, I must not miss these three;

1. August Burns Red & Blessthefall this end of April.

and

2. The Changcuters somewhere in May I heard.

Please make way for me, please?

I love weddings!

Last Sunday, it was the solemnization of my baby girl, Nadal. I didn't manage to go to the ceremony, as I arrived in KL a bit late the night before.

It was beautiful, I almost couldn't believe my baby girl is now someone's wife, she's the earliest among us who got hitched first. Even I almost cried when I read the tweets by other girls who attended her solemnization. I fell in love with her wedding dresses, both for solemnization as well as for reception. She looked really beautiful, she's such a doll.

And photos taken from Wani's and Nana's and Ajie's FB.

Her dress's stunning!

Stunning one more time, and the pelamin is super comel!

Remember us? Me, Nana and Ain and their boyfriends. Yes, the groom is Nana's kid brother. And she and her boyfriend is next in line.

These are my super best friends from left Ajie, Sheima, Nana, Me, Ain and Ijat.

Comel kan Hazeman? Macam nak siku.

Congratulations baby! Though you're someone's wife now, you'll always be my baby. I love you.

Because bitches never shut the hell up, amaraitt?

Seriously, it is hard to earn respect from me.

Even though you're older, you're richer or even smarter than me,

I don't pay that respect easily.

I am a stubborn kid, remember.

When you see me not saying anything or just keep myself in silence, you should know that it is not because of respect, but it is solely because one, I don't create drama. Two, I don't want you to cuss my parents for raising such an arrogant daughter like me. After all, that is what we all do,

"Mak bapak tak ajar..."

I just don't want that and you know nothing about my parents.

So yes, think before you say anything,

I can take that freaking insulting jokes,

I can take all scream and curse,

but you should know the right time to do so.

Don't poke the bear, so they say.

It was built in 1922.

Last weekend, I went to Penang after approximately 13 years hoi I was so freaking excited I got hyper all the way from Sintok to the island.

There's nothing much apart from a visit to Little India, Penang Road, Penang Hill (this one, I'm not gonna get up there, because its too high I cannot stand it) and shopping malls to spend my student 1 Malaysia vouchers.

Well, I didn't get the chance to taste Penang real food for the second time (and after 13 years, of course, its not like there's no Penang food outside of Penang, but you know what I mean, the feel, the feel), but I stayed at my friend's place, and her mother is a Super Cook, seriously her curry made me cry, super tasty I feel like smuggling her mom back to Sintok and let me and my tummy die in happiness.

Okay, till then.

But before that, it sucks not to have Internet connection in my room, and I am too bimbo to blog from my phone, but it seems like I've abandoned this blog for quite a long bit. There's so much more to talk about, but there's no opportunity to do so. Tsk.

So, this year.

Never too late to have new resolutions, I suppose.

This year, I'm gonna start paying my PTPTN loan, be it MYR50 per month, I must pay.

This year, I'm so gonna watch my own language as its getting crappier day by day.

This year, I'm gonna bring that shopping bag I got as a gift from A&A Family Day Committees, wherever I go.

This year, I'm gonna smile more that I did last year. To random people, I mean.

This year, I'm gonna start lowering my hijab, appropriately below my chest, because it does make me feel right. And yes, because it is God's demand, of course.

And this year, I'm gonna finish the whole Quran, all 30 juzu', as I am 25 years old this year and I don't wanna die in humiliation towards God.

InsyaAllah.

Bandung, and a hole in my heart.

A view from inside of the angkot, one of public transportations in Bandung,

in the middle of crazy traffic, of course.

And if you can see me in the rear mirror, trying to seduce pakcik angkot.

So yes, this is a post about Bandung.

Too bad I don't have many photos, because we're busy doing some recordings for Sheima's vlog, so I'll just wait for that.

Forget about what we did there during our vacation (you know us girls, Bandung, what else?), I want to talk about the other side of Bandung. I don't really have the correct suitable word for the place. But there's something different about the place. Despite its bad traffic and quite number of populations, I love Bandung because of its weather, the people there, the food (yes, the food!), and the ambiance.

The weather was so good I don't mind living there, its chilly but yet not too cold, even if its sunny.

The people are so nice, ramah-tamah level 16 Zuma.

And the food, the food, ya Allah. I can't stop thinking about their Teh Botol and Es Campur.

But one thing about Bandung, or maybe Indonesia that makes me wonder, is their youth waste.

I'm not saying this in a negative way, but it was sad to see perfect-healthy-probably-smarter-than-I-am teenagers busking at those traffic lights and road junctions. It was also sad seeing kids selling rocks (for the love of God, rocks), newspapers (one kid approached me and said, "Teh, beli korannya teh, buat nambah uang beli buku.") and stuff like that just to get money. They'd do anything to survive the poverty. My heart aches, until now.

Maybe it is due to overpopulation stuff or whatever, but the differences between one caste to another is really obvious we've never seen it anywhere in Malaysia, I swear to God. I feel bad that I sometimes look down on those immigrants, I've failed to remember there's another set of life lower than theirs back in their country, what they do to survive while I, enjoying my life bit to bit without having to worry about money I spend, about time I waste doing nothing and that saddens me to the freaking core.

So yes, that's one thing I won't forget about Bandung. The impact of seeing what I've just wrote above teaches me whole lot, like super I won't ever get it out of my mind. And I appreciate Bandung for that.

I am so gonna go to Bandung, again. In fact, I've bought tickets to Bandung, this April.

This time around, screw shopping, I'm gonna go get another meaning of life.

Nampak tak...

...kegelojohan di situ?

Jantan dan Betina.

I saw someone's status on FB, that goes something like this,

"Bla, bla, (Tagged name), bla bla... Aku carikan kau sorang betina... Bla bla bla..."

There is a relationship between Malay language and Malay culture, and how it leads to acceptance of its understanding among Malays themselves.

Let's go straight to the point.

My point of view, there's a BIG difference in the use of 'Jantan' and 'Betina' in our language.

One, obviously they are used to identify the sex of animals.

Two, yes, they are also used as human's identifier in certain conditions.

Some might disagree with me,

but hell I don't care.

Jantan - Man

Betina - Woman

While 'jantan' symbolizes men as a strong figure, 'betina' somehow carries bad, inappropriate meaning that will influence people's judgement towards the sex itself.

I am not being sexist, but it is common in our culture to know that 'betina' is an inappropriate call name since the time of our ancestors. This is different with the opposite. If you curse men by using the word 'jantan', the impact is never as big as you call a woman 'betina', rule back to our culture where it has shaped the acceptance and understanding towards this.

I mean, come on. Don't simply go and call random woman 'betina', it is not appropriate, especially if you're a man. It is like lowering women status where it is already under yours, obviously.

To be fair, Malay women also call other women with that name, especially when it involved those anger, rage, boyfriend/husband snatching, backstabbing and stuff like that. I have no point to rebut that, but the important thing here is, this call name thingy has to stop. Because it affects the value of politeness, of fudging course. I did use this call name, when I was angry and stuff, but when I saw people using it in normal situation like that FB status above, I realized that its freaking wrong.

So let us stop that. And the inappropriate use of 'jantan' too, if we must.

Please.

But its okay if you wanna name your pet Betina or Jantan, like mine. I wouldn't mind that, because it is appropriate enough.

I do type 'Tsk' too often these days.

I actually think seahorse is more attractive than unicorn, though these two animals have no connection at all, and this sentence make no sense at certain point and why am I still writing, I don't understand myself lately, I need someone to explain to me why people keep saying that I am actually fragile on the inside, they obviously don't know me well. See, I'm making no point here.

February and no improvement.

Well, there are so many wants, they even make me forget about my needs.

Life is hard at the moment.

Why?

Because I've been fighting with myself lately.

I want this, I want that, I want it to be like this, I want that to be like what I want.

And when it failed to turn out like what I want,

I become so frustrated I tend to lose hopes, and even my senses.

I forgot that certain things work their own way, not according to how I want it to be.

Why?

Because mommy looks so happy chilling in her own bubble, she doesn't realize it will pop eventually.

Now I know that reality isn't a bitch, I am the real bitch who is trying to cheat the reality.

I need someone to slap me in the face real hard.

One more chance to fix this. One more.

Tsk, I just remembered that I promised this blog a post about Bandung. Gonna do that, soon.

I actually smirk whenever I smile, no? Tsk.

Photos from Awai's and Nana's FB.

Hi.

Too lazy to write during holidays, what I did was sleeping, eating, non-stop Indonesian channels on Astro as well as online streams, more eating, like that.

So last week I went to Johor Bharu for Awai's wedding, she looked so pretty in her dress I felt like munching her. I spent one day before at Sheima's house so went to the kenduri together.

The good thing is, I got to see my two best friends, Ain and Nana at the kenduri, it was good to sit down as a whole though it was only few hours. I have this instinct that 2012 is gonna be very awesome because Ain is in UKM for her Master, Nana's already working in Ampang, and I'm gonna stay in KL to finish my thesis insyaAllah. Cool, innit?

New semester is right in the corner, got an unpleasant news about my result that is coming out next week. Think I'm definitely gonna flunk a paper or two. And I am shitless scared at the mo.

Told my mom about it, this is what she said,

Me: "Kalau ada fail, adik nak berhenti belajar."

Mom: "Rilek la, baru fail sekali. Selagi tak kena buang..."

Oh yes, I think these two Indonesian movies, Di Bawah Lindungan Kaabah and Hafalan Shalat Delisa are worth watching. Because both have three important elements, God & Religion, Society and where do we stand in between these two.

Now I know being fat is actually not that bad. You become so bold everyone wants to say something about you, be it good things or bad things.

I'm pregnant with words, but no, its not time yet.

Final assessment, complete.

So now my semester break will be spent with Indonesian (read : The Tarix Jabrix 1, 2, 3 on repeat) and Korean movies, war with kitties, laugh over cekodoks and coffee, and many more.

First of all, life is good.

Yes, its getting better. You know it when you're done with that phase of feeling not enough of everything, you just stopped and boom, all is fine.

I miss Sintok, surprisingly. Weird, but yes, I miss the place. I miss moi sup and my adult friends. Sintok reminds me of something, that I can be all independent without me realizing that I have that capability.

I enjoyed every second I spent in Bandung. Despite bad traffics, I found Bandung's a very peaceful place, and somehow in weird way, calming. Maybe its because of the weather. There's something about it, gonna write it in the next post.

I really hope number 25 will bring me something different this time around. Its hard to believe that I'm reaching that age really but you know, maybe it will change me in certain ways and I'm ready for that.

That's all for today.

Wouldn't it be nice if we can choose what we want, who we want to be in our dream?

Kannnnn?

Siapa boleh tolong jawabkan?

Kemaruk dah naik level lapan Zuma dah ni.

Ikat dan Warnakan.

I'm a tie-dye girl.

I can go crazy over tie-dye stuff.

One thing that can make me happy,

throw me a tie-dye shirt, dress or even pants, and I'll love you forever.

This is so random. Oh.

Persatuan Mak Cik - Mak Cik Saudara dan Ibu Tua.

That's Arfan Nadiff. Amzar Nufail and Addin Naufal's little brother. On my left is their mother, Kakak. This photo was taken few weeks ago, during Arfan's cukur jambul ceremony.

And that's the first time I was given full confidence to handle a baby. And yes, he was with me the whole time, even the day before. Now please someone say I can be a mother, please? *kibas kibas bulu mata*

Tetunangan.

Okay lah since my eyes are still wide open, I'm gonna write a post about engagements. Gonna scram all the photos of three engagements of my super duper best friend, my super duper cousin and my super duper brother. Let's start with my super duper best friend,

Ijat & Daus

December 17th, 2011.

It was the simplest engagement ever, but sweet, of course.

Now its only five months before their wedding (June 16th, 2012), I am super excited.

You looked really gorgeous that day, sayang.

After all you've been through, I see the presence of your future husband, si Tunang Udang,

is Allah's pay for your patience and hopes.

Lye & Lie

January 1st, 2012

These are some of the photos of my super duper cousin, Lye.

I really love her hantarans and the dress, of course.

Also, the simplest and easiest engagement procedure, ever.

The wedding will be on November 10th, this year, a month after my brother's.

I pray for Allah to bless your marriage, love.

Abang & Ijat

December 25th, 2011.

And these are the photos of my brother's engagement, a week before Lye's engagement.

I didn't get to join because I was so busy with final assessment and stuff.

But yes, the solemnization will be on October the twelfth, this year. InsyaAllah.

I pray for your jodoh to last till the end of time, Nyet.

One of the best things.

Another concrete reason to go to Bandung, again.

A headlight.

Still don't have time to write updates about Ijat's engagement (malas nak upload gambar sebenarnya), but I am feeling so excited I'm going back to KL tomorrow and prepare for my first trip with best friends to Bandung, I need to write about something.

People, do know this.

Not all can accept us no matter how perfect/good/pretty/fine we think we are.

It's just a rule of nature.

And for that, you might want to change anything you think you're lack of.

But for me, I'll just stay the way I am.

I don't get the idea of following people's idea about us, if you know what I mean.

I just don't.

I mean there's no point making people feel good about me when I don't even feel good about myself.

So it's best to let them with their fucking acceptances, just continue rolling.

Someone, 3 days ago, said something to me. It goes something like this,

"Why don't you put on some makeups, and wear something nice, change the way you look and sure you'll get a boyfriend."

Holy mother of crap.

I believe those guys who don't like me hell because of my appearance, won't change their mind even if I wear makeups like a drag queen. Okay so appearances really matter to some people, but no, I don't want people to like me because the way I dress, because behind the thick layer of my done-face, no one would really see the real me. Cliche, I know. But yeah, cliche is the new rare.

No, just don't change yourself for the sake of the desperation wanting people to see you. It is pathetic. It is fine if people don't like you because the way you look, let alone because of your physical looks, because among them, you'll find people who love you the way you are, you imperfections.

Because nobody is perfect. Like the 'someone' I just mentioned above, sangat cantik, tapi tu lah.

Oh, this is of course not to bad behaviors lah kan. Jangan ingat gua rebel tak menentu hala.