1 Syawal

"Selamat Hari Raya Anak, Ibu halalkan makan minum, Ibu maafkan semua salah silap. Biar kekal macam gini sampai bila-bila, Ibu senang hati bila tengok Anak yang sekarang."

Speechless.

Because 'senang hati' are the strangest words,

when it comes to anything about me.

I'm gonna cry in my sleep, because this is the best Syawal ever.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir & Batin.

Ramadhan, come again next year. InsyaAllah.

It is August 29th.

Today is the day where two of my loves were born.

Shout out to Alyaa Zakuan, 19 years old wise lover,

and Nadal Muhtadi, 22 years old bubbly princess.

May Allah shower you with bless and grace.

I love you to bits.

You two stay comel.

Day 17 - Someone from your childhood

Dear cousins, all three cousins of mine, Lye, Ain and Jijo,

Supposed that I write something for my friends from my childhood, but you know how I traveled during those years, right? From Johor to Terengganu, and to Melaka, and to Kedah, and to Johor back, and yes, those years. So I don't really have a good memory with one single kid who lived in the same era as mine.

But, we shared our childhood together, whenever my family and I went back to Kampung Selayang during school holidays, there you guys were.

So yes, this is for all galah panjang, baling selipar, nyorok-nyorok, spider-hunting, Nama Negeri Buah Binatang Benda, visit to Kedai Abas, Arwah Nenek's grave cleaning, Aiskrim Malaysia, and lots more.

I love you guys to the max. Glad we're still close to each other until now.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa.

Not serious, so?

The power of stupid jokes.

That is actually a very manipulative headline.

I was brought up not to show anger in front of other people. Except when I am too mad, there'd be certain people whom I'll burst my anger to. I don't go showing it up to random people, let alone making scene in public.

I was also brought up in the environment of giving advice in between jokes. My family, especially my aunts, they have this one weird way of giving advice between jokes and laughs. It is sometimes hurtful like hell, because it often goes straight to your face, but yet, most of the time, it is effective I tell you.

That is why people often see me joking, and not taking things seriously.

Because I believe there's no point showing people your harshness and what will they do, they'll make fun of you behind your back.

I want to be taken seriously, but you know, what's life without playing fool a little bit?

I do joke around and basically say stupid things like all the time, and I pick those who I want to be serious with. I joke because I want to avoid awkwardness, I joke because I don't want people to feel uncomfortable with me. Yeah I know sometimes my jokes do make people feel awkward and uncomfortable, but oh well.

But, being a joker doesn't mean I don't know the limit.

I don't joke with people I think I shouldn't have jokes with, and I don't joke with people I don't think would appreciate that behavior of mine.

Let alone being playful to people who don't like me.

So yes, if you couldn't find a moment of me being serious, you should already know our level of relationship.

Because I don't need to show people my brain, my feelings and my inner side. It is not even worth it.

I'd like to believe this, that I haven't finished proving things to myself, why should I even bother to show things to other people?

It is as simple as that.

This is not part of the topic, but I just realized one thing after almost six years, not having a boyfriend makes your phone a track player only. Only. Sedih to the max.

Bismillahirahmanirahim.

Terima kasih Tuhan,

Kau ketuk pintu hati untuk aku terus berlari mencariMu,

Kau beri tenang damai dalam hidup setiap nafasku,

Kau hadiahkan kesenangan dalam setiap urusanku,

Kau halakan jiwaku ke arah cahayaMu,

Kau buka mataku untuk cari setiap jahilku.

Terima kasih Tuhan,

Kau kurniakan kesihatan dan sejahtera kepada kedua ibubapaku,

Kau serikan hati mereka dengan setiap syukur buatMu,

Kau tetapkan kesabaran pada mereka untuk terus mencari nikmatMu,

Kau utuhkan kasih sayang mereka terhadapMu.

Terima kasih Tuhan,

sesungguh aku manusia yang hina, langsung tiada malu untuk meminta kepadaMu, namun tiada apa lain yang kuharapkan selain daripada keberkatan hidup dariMu, sesungguhnya lengkapkanlah agamaku sebelum aku menemuiMu, turunkanlah ujian yang bersepadan denganku, dan letakkanlah aku di dalam keadaan yang mencari redhaMu.

Semoga rasa syukur ini tetap mengalir tidak berhenti Ya Allah.

Amin.

Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country.

So basically I don't know anyone from other countries, and I don't see any point writing to my friends who are in Malaysia, because I want to save them for other letters. I do have cousins in Cali and Singapore, but we're not that close, so there's no need to write to them.

But, I'd love to write to my future friends in Indonesia, because I'm weird like that.

Dear random Indonesians,

I am hoping that someday, I'll be able to go to your country. I always love Indonesia, the cultures, the languages, the people. There's something about your country that intrigues me so much. Being part Javanese and part Mandailing, it is cool if I can go there and see my ancestors original cultures and see how they live their life.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Dalam sebulan, rasa jiwang tu mesti ada.

"Makanya jangan duduk dekat dengan bunga,

karena bunga itu akan layu."

Kata si jejaka.

"Mengapa begitu?"

Tersentak pula si dara, terfikirkan hodohkah dia.

"Kerana akan kalah indahnya sama kamu."

No title, this time.

1. Its already the 20th day of Ramadhan, look at how fast time flies, I can't get enough of it seriously, to perform it with family after 6,7 years spending it with friends, is bliss. You know, the feeling of reciting prayer before you eat, and the laugh at the table, and things like that, yes, I did the same with friends, but, you know, the feelings are different.

2. So there are 15 or 16 days left, before my depart (Poyo macam nak pergi overseas, aku memang poyo.) So yes, gonna spend the whole time with family basically, and knowing that I'll be so far from home, got the feeling already. And gonna spend every night with some friends on Skype, because it is fun fun fun.

3. I have bought almost all needs, just couple of things left. I am 90% prepared, materially, just gotta check on some books that I have because basically, I'll be studying almost all subjects that I've learned during my degree, that is awesome, except that I have to take Phonetics & Phonology and Semantics which I kinda dislike.

4. This is the first time of Raya, I'll be wearing pants instead of normal Baju Kurung. I am gedik like that.

5. Love life, still hopeless. I wish I could stop it from lingering around my thoughts, but man, I am lonely for the love of God. I want to be a nerd who has a boyfriend. Haih

6. Sometimes, looking at certain things would make you go like, "Ahh, it feels like yesterday." But seriously, I hate it to the core. I am not a type of person who likes to remember my past. It makes me don't want to move forward, instead making me feel like I should go back to those times, know what I mean? Then how to move forward?

7. My study loan has already been approved , Alhamdulillah. I'd love to believe that God has his own ways to give rezeki to us. And I'd love to believe, being able to go through things easily is one of that.

8. I am in love with Noe Letto, because of his words, in all of their songs' lyrics. Like this one,

"Oh, bukanlah cantikmu yang ku cari

Bukanlah itu yang aku nanti
Tetapi ketulusan hati yang abadi
Ku tahu mawar tak seindah dirimu
Awan tak seteduh tatapanmu tetapi
Ku tahu yang ku tunggu hanyalah senyummu."

Like super sweet.

9. Certain things are all pulling off their way from me. I can feel that.

Raya gift from someone special.

This package was sent to my house 1 hour ago, it was from Lye, a Raya card, bangles for me, a necklace for Puan Shikin, and Baju Melayu cuffs for Encik Mat.

And I was , speechless. This is the first time I received Raya gift from someone. This is the first after a really long time not receiving any Raya card, it was sent to me. Not only for me, but for my whole family. Oh, nothing for my kid brother, she said there will be Raya money for him, only after he ask for forgiveness and salam her.

What makes me really happy, and at the same time, a bit touched, is that she bought those things for my parents. Which clearly sends a message that she actually remembers about them. She's the closest niece to my parents, and that is why we're very, super duper close.

A big thanks to this babycake, may God shower her with loads of happiness and bless.

And I shall go and find things for her pulak as a reply.

What should I buy for her eh?

Of looks and attraction.

I am finally on it. So I can really blame my hormones if this post is gonna sound a bit harsh, or maybe, too narrow.

I don't mind if people look at superficial traits, rather than looking at inner side of their potential partner. I mean, I used to hate that stereotype, but now, I really don't mind, it is a personal choice.

What I can't believe happening now is, it applies in friendship. What? Really? Come on. That's not supposed to happen. This is no high school.

Its like this, one person wants to befriend with this whole group of people, awesome, pretty, rich people, but then this person was rejected, because this person doesn't possess the same quality that these people have. I mean, what ze hell?

I may be one of these people, I admit. But only if this person turn me off with his/her stupidity during the first meet. And stupidity here in terms of behaviors, people, and that, annoys me so much.

I don't mind having friends who are ugly, poor, and imperfect, as long as they know how to bring themselves, because I do pick friends according to that.

But no, to refuse a friendship because the other party is not pretty, not rich, not popular, not sexy, that is not awesome.

Social standards are just bullshit. We'll be under the same ground kot eventually, why so sombong? And we don't base a friendship on physical looks, but honesty, arse.

By the way, "Hi Kak Long, boleh berkenalan" with some weird tune is not an appropriate way to make friends, alright? That one, no matter how good looking you are, or how rich you are, I won't ever suggest people to start a friendship with you, or person who said that pick-up line, because that's just, you know, rude.

Day 15 - The person you miss the most

Dear Eliyana Bt Ismail,

Chacha posted up a photo with you in it like few days ago.

When I saw it, automatically my tears streamed down, it still feels like yesterday, when we bumped into each other in KLCC, and you were like screaming from the top of escalator, and I was like jumping and we hugged, and we cried a little bit, and we kissed each other's cheeks,

it still feels like yesterday.

It was the last time I saw your pretty face. It was the last time I saw your smile.

This Ramadhan, please visit me in my dream, I'll be waiting for your smile.

Rest in peace, my love.

I'll see you in heaven, InsyaAllah.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from

Dear a very good friend of mine,

We are drifting away, probably because we don't talk much, probably because we're far from each other now, and probably because we no longer see each other as often as then.

You see, if one day, we are destined to be a pair of 'hi and bye' friends only, have this in mind; you are one of the most awesomest friend I've ever had.

You're the only friend who has the strongest faith in me, who believe I have the ultimate capability to rule my own world, and who would stand for me whenever things go wrong.

And mostly because you're there giving me your best,

and you're still there when I was at my worst.

I'll see you on September the Fifth.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Buttheads can never think properly, I think.

I have this sense that there's gonna be an endless discussion pertaining to this thing. At least here in my blog.

Not to say that I'm a saint or a preacher, but God, please let these humans know that somehow, each and everyone of us should be respected, no matter what.

"Oh, kau dekat mana ni?"

"Dekat atas katil, nak join ke?"

And numbers of conversation just like this.

Seriously, what the fudge?

Please note that both participants share different genders. And you may guess which participants said which sentences.

So yes, I get it, you're joking. But what the hell are you thinking exactly? That ain't no joke, dude. No.

I am not being sexist, but as an individual, I don't appreciate this as much as I don't appreciate sexual abuse. Because it is one kind of it actually, if you notice.

I don't care if you're a friend, or someone that I knew, (no, not relative because that'd be very very sick) but you know there's always a limit when it comes to joking, or teasing. Please try that kind of joke on someone else, I don't know if they can accept it as a joke really, but not me, I am full of dignity, I don't talk shit like that with random people.

Yes, okay, I do joke about dirty things, but only with close friends, but hell no, I don't go beyond the limit, it was for laugh only and never in my awareness someone has changed their perception towards me because I'm full of dirty things. You can go and ask my bitches if you want to.

I am mad. I am very very mad about this stupid perversion.

Please, act like adult. Adults may like dirty things, but real adults don't talk dirty to other people. It may look fun to you, but believe me, not more than you yourself may agree with you thoughts.

Barney Stinson is awesome yes, but no, that's just a fictional character, don't bring it to life. Please. Do not ever think that you'll be as awesome as he is, in reality.

To be continued.

Tak tenang lah kalau cenggini

Remember when you used to have your eyes on something, you just tell your dad, and he'll buy it for you right away. I don't miss that moment, I just need that moment back so I can say

"Takpe lah, you should keep that money in case we're gonna need it for something else."

And now, I am used to asking for my parents' money whenever I want something.

Today for example,

"Ayah, I want air tebu for Iftar, can ah?"

And he gave money to Min to buy air tebu straight away.

And at the age of 24, I still need to beg for my parents' money for my study fees. That's hell of awful shit to hear, kan?

Muka aku tebal gila nak mampus.

UUM and other things, yes. That flirting thing.

Again, with this randomness.

1. I've received UUM's offer letter. So gonna die looking at the digits of amount that I've to pay before September the Seventh. But InsyaAllah, doors of good fortune are everywhere. So I saw sadness in Ayah's face, that I'll be leaving real soon. I don't know whether it's because of money, or it's because he doesn't want to let me go. I hope it is both.

2. Speaking of doors of good fortune, I've received 20 translation jobs that I've to finish by the end of September. Awesome, but it was my mistake that I said I can finish one episode in three days. Like gila banyak. One episode consists 78 pages. What makes it harder is the suitable words that you have to choose. But it's really fun, you know, where you can laugh at your own direct translations.

3. Looking at girlfriends flirting with random boys is a very exciting thing to do. You know that I'm not a kind of person who flirts with guys, but like I said, it's always fun to see your girlfriend mengayat this one guy and tells everything to you. It is always a good laugh. You know how cheesy girls and boys can be, so we can see how younger boys hit on girls, and how matured guys hit on girls, and how Desperates would do just to get the attention and things like that. Very funny.

4. Point number 3 tells you exactly how lame I am. I know. Seriously, tak reti.

5. My cats have gone crazeh, seriously. Like they run around the house my brother had to chase them and show them the hanger, like some sort of warning, for hell lots of times. I don't know why, now in Ramadhan, they sleep during daylight, mengalahkan orang puasa and at night, they're like in a war they had to run from in front of the TV, and suddenly they are on dining table, and later they jumped on Ibu's fake flowers. And they have the tendency to sit in front of you, when you're praying, like on the sejadah. God bless my cats, please.

6. Can someone teach me how to flirt?

So okay, before I start talking crap, I better stop. So yes, that's that.

Toddles.

Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you

I have no idea to whom should I write this, specifically. No, not because I have done nothing wrong to anyone, I did a lot of bad things to people. But it's just that I am ignorant, and egoist like that.

However, I still want to apologize for all of my bad deeds, my wrongdoings, things that I've done that might have hurt you people.

I, with all my heart, am really, truly sorry for all that.

Try to forgive me even though you have no heart to do it, because I was so mean to you, but yes, I need your forgiveness as much as I need to have clean relationships with people who had been in my life, as well as people who have yet to be in it.

I actually cannot imagine leaving this world without your forgiveness.

Thank you, so much.

Day 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

So I choose to write to the person who caused me a lot of pain instead of the person I hate the most. I no longer hate this particular person, I mean I used to hate this person because of what had happened, but now we've came clean and all is fine. But still, when we talk about pain, we do know that the scar of it stays. So yes, here are some words for this person.

Dear You,

It was so hard back then, not having you near me.

I remember that I used to cry if I can't see you even in one day.

Let alone to let you go for our own good.

But, looking back at those memories, I believe there are reasons why God didn't want us to stay as super best friends.

However, I do wish that your relationship will last forever.

The only thing that I want you to know, I did love you with all my heart back then, I just never thought you'd choose him over me.

And to prove that bastard was wrong, look at me, I'm still single after 5 years.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Serius ni.

I don't think asking people straight questions like "Eh kau dah pakai tudung ke sekarang?" is really appropriate.

The problem with us people is, we tend to put so much concern on other people's business we need to ask what we've already seen by our own eyes.

If you see a lady wearing hijab, you don't have to ask if she's wearing hijab, because that is pathetically useless.

You just have to assume she's directing herself to a better path, and pray for her best.

I am sorry, but I'm a type of person who gets offended easily, so this thing gets me irritated with just one simple question. Because this is kinda overwhelming. You know, being asked with such questions makes me feel like I need to give people confirmation about me wearing one. And I don't want that.

You know me with my hijab wearing cycle, right? I kinda have this free-hair, covered hair cycle. So that kind of questions bugs me to the core. So if you knew me well enough, you won't be asking the question. Because if you do so, you're actually punishing me, psychologically.

I actually don't know until when will this last. I really hope that it's going to be until my last breath. I need to push myself, because I just realized that there's no such things like "Why should I wear it when I'm not sincere enough about wearing it?" because after all, its my responsibility to do so. Leave your sincerity to Allah, because only He can judge that. I'm no saint or even preacher, but if you think deeper, you'll get what I mean.

Plus, I no longer crying for attention, I don't want people to see me. So I just need to be very invisible.

And it's not like when I'm wearing one, means that I've changed, personality wise. I may need to adjust certain things like you know what, but I'm still the same person. I won't change, as long as you have faith in me.

This is no issue at all for all of you, but it really is for me.

My heart is fragile, I don't want this to affect any of my decisions, as well as it might affect the way I communicate with other people.

Please.

Just don't ask. Because words now, have a capability to kill me.

I couldn't afford to be a perfect 24 yet, anyways.

No mood to write another summer letter, but I feel like writing, so yes, here are some unnecessary things I'm gonna talk about.

1. Still in shock due to Amy Winehouse's death few days ago. Truth is, I cried a little bit. I don't know, of all celebrities, I love her the most. And the fact that we're not gonna listen to her new songs frustrates me so much. She's one in a million.

2. Went to Comadre/Fuji tour in Batu Pahat last two days after years of leaving gigs behind. I went there alone, I met Khrl there but he was busy lepaking with his friends, so practically I was there by myself, which made it more awesome. Probably the best thing happened to me in this year. Awesome, awesome shit.

3. Still haven't received UUM acceptance letter even though I already knew that I've got in. This is very depressing. It makes me feel like I'm on the edge, realizing there would always be a simple error when it comes to management stuff.

4. Ramadhan will arrive in a few days, really can't wait. I feel more blessed and calm. Really hope I can perform well this time around.

5. The act of less talking to people you rarely know is giving me the best lesson ever, because when I don't talk, they will start talking. When they start talking, I will learn something, either to continue getting to know them, or just walk away after the conversation ends.

6. It's almost reaching the third quarter of 2011, I now pronounced that I don't want 2011 to stay in my memory, except for that Comadre awesome fun I had. I was supposed to buy a car for myself earlier this year, but sometimes , a plan just stays a plan only.

7. Ayam Jantan has got himself a new girlfriend, named Syafawani. Bloody ironic, isn't it? Its always like that. Irony is like a curse to me. Since then, I swear to God not to be the first one to fall in love. Let the other party do that job, regardless when will that happen, anyways. This goes to that crush shit thingy, too.

8. I need to fix my sleeping cycle, which is the most difficult thing to do right now. As well as because I need to drive to KL four hours from now.

Life is getting easier, right? I know that.

Astaga, kok keterlaluan?

Here's a funny story.

I haven't cried for months. I wonder why did that happen. I kept asking myself and my friends why didn't I cry.

Man, I cry while watching sad movies, I cry whenever I reminisce old good times especially the ones with deceased persons, and I simply cry whenever I saw violence, and some others simple things.

I do admit that I have a fragile heart, I cry sometimes in my sleep. Pathetic, I know.

But these past few months, I haven't shed even a single tear. I don't know why. So the thought of I am getting better in handling emotions and such came into my mind, which leads to the belief that I am getting stronger and bla bla bla. And you know, what else could appear in my heart that time other than riak.

I'm a jerk. You should know that.

Until few weeks back.

I lost my purse in KL, and practically my whole life. I had everything in that purse, cash, IDs, licence, both of my IIUM's matric cards, ATM cards, important notes, and even a check I just collected few days before that.

AND I CRIED LIKE A FREAKING BABY.

Terrific.

All settled already, I paid RM242 for IDs, ATM cards, and licence replacement. That's the price of my own carelessness.

What I want to say here is, God does know what's inside your heart. All He did was give you a little test, to make you realize who you really are.

Being humble in front of everyone else is damn easy, try to be humble to yourself, it is tougher than anything you know. Seriously.

Lesson learned.