Kan dah terprint screen!

Right after the frustration over Asyraf Muslim's engagement. AHAHA

And this, absolutely made me smile.

Big wide smile. You know I could be miang at all time, aye?

We can be awesome at any age.

It’s not that I’m saying being friends to people younger than me is not good for health. But please, I’m tired of drama. I freaking am an adult. I don’t need drama. Neither do I need that happy ending any sooner. I’m fine with life ups and downs, but no, drama is just for teenagers, who have daddy issues or perhaps, self issues.

I am done with being teenager and clueless, where at one point, I thought it was cool to lay down on the grass and my own puke. I am done with being teenager and emotional, where I locked myself in bathroom, try to cut myself because of my good friends was hooking up with the guy I like.

I gave up all of those because I thought it would be nice if I start to learn how to act like an adult. Okay fine, being an adult may not be as good as it sounds. But you know, the point is, I can’t stand seeing bitchy life which is so nauseating. So people said, certain people might have difficulties in their life, so do I, but it is not a reason for you to affect others for heaven’s sake. If you find life is not promising as you thought it could be, work it that way. Just stop thinking it is going to please you all the way down.

So, if you see me walking away, that’s probably because I don’t want to hear anything about you and your stupid lovers, or you and your stupid life. I am not saying my life is perfect, in fact it is far from that, but you see, the difference between our lives is I don’t go and twist it around to survive.

It is not that cheap, I believe.

I am making my own point, but you perhaps might find it hard to understand, because your mind is thousand years younger than your actual age, which leads to the fact that I don’t think being friends with older people would make me any wiser, looking at certain circumstances.

Some of them just love drama they think they look cute living in one.

And I hate puppy love.

I just realized that I have triangle-shaped lips just as Riz have told me few days ago. And it reads, 'weird'. And not cute.

Okay, so that's random.

I feel like writing. After finishing the whole season 4 of Ugly Betty, again.

You know, I can't remember how does it feel to be in love. Not anymore. I seriously want to experience it again. All I can remember is the butterflies in the stomach and the silly grins. But those apparently are not enough. I forgot about the real feelings of it, the communications, the cute disagreements, the stances, the willingness to consider about another half, and what else I haven't mentioned.

It has been years and I have forgotten almost all about that. When people tell me about their girlfriend or boyfriend, when people update their status about their fiancé or husband or wife, when people celebrating their anniversaries, when people post up their pictures with the loved one, I just sat there, confused. Literally confused for I have failed to remember how good it was to feel that everyday in our life.

It is good to see people around me happy, and a bit jealous because I have yet to feel that, at least not for now. I never blame timing, let alone God, and not even surrounding, but it is certainly overwhelming, and bewildering when people come to me and ask, "Do you have a boyfriend now? No? Girlfriend? No?" It is not yet offensive, but should I be the one to blame for not having a what we called lover?

And this is all happening because something has reminded me about my real age. 24 is no longer an age to act trashy and rebellious. Not really an age to feel okay if you happen to end up being alone. Certainly not an age to feel convinced that one day, there will be a Prince Charming knocking up my door and ask me to marry him.

This is sick. I am not growing up. I instead walking backwards.

I have fallen in love before, but they were all silly crushes and the opposite responses never exist so you know what I mean, it doesn't count. And I feel really stupid for liking certain guys. They got no balls, proven by what they have done.

Merungut tu sama macam kau salahkan Tuhan.

Cepat lambat jodoh kan Tuhan yang tulis. Adatlah kalau nak meminjam dari Tuhan, sabar kena lebih. Makin lambat jodoh kau, makin banyak pahala sabar kau dapat. Rilek sudah.

Ini tak, nak suruh berusaha tu pun susah. Hari hari merungut kau tak ada boyfriend. Setiap kali jumpa kawan, "Weh, carikan aku boyfriend satu!"

Nama kau nak bergerak cari sendiri memang takda.

Memilih dah satu hal lagi. Nak yang handsome, tinggi, badan sasa, bergaya, baik hati, sayang kau lebih dari segalanya bla bla bla.

Tengok diri sendiri dekat cermin sikit pun tak nak.

Susah kalau merungut lagi banyak daripada tindakan.

Kau mandi bunga lah seratus kali pun, kalau setakat duduk tunggu orang meminang, sampai kiamat pun belum tentu ada orang nak. Sedih.

A story of a sociopath.

Hey, there are several things to say.

1. The closer I get to the date I'm going back to my hometown, the happier I get to be. Seriously.

2. Yes, we evolve. But things or people don't really stay. And that's rather sad.

3. I am seriously in need of cash. Boy, I failed as a daughter.

4. Look, I thought I love Twitter. But I actually don't. I no longer know the real function of it.

5. My shitty life is not moving. Everyone else's does. That is the shitty part of it.

6. Bitching is a new way to make friends. Try that, especially if you're a girl who has self issues.

7. Getting older is not funny anymore. Able to do practically everything is scary, dude.

8. I regret moving in together with my cousin. I should have not done that.

9. I am gonna get a cat, a fat cat, in May, for heaven's sake.

10. No, nothing about boys this time. Talking about men all the time makes me feel like a little whore.

Pictures, later. When I am in the mood.

Oh, pretending like things are okay when you know they aren't, sucks, big time. You don't have to be my anything if you don't want to. I am a grown woman, I can stand on my own. I don't need coward bastards to fake a smile, to ask me whether I'm okay or not just to feel good about themselves.

Because you've hurt me, not so long ago, remember?

And trying to make it up to yourself, is cheap. Seriously.

Bukan nak cakap aku ni baik.

Bukan nak cakap aku ni baik.

Tapi kalau tak silap mak bapak aku dah ajar daripada kecik mana yang betul mana yang salah.

Bukan nak cakap aku ni baik.

Tapi bukanlah aku ni bodoh sangat boleh tutup mata sahaja setiap benda yang jadi depan mata.

Bukan nak cakap aku ni baik.

Betul.

Aku memang bukan perempuan baik. Memang sudah sampai tahap langsung tak tau mana nak letak baiknya aku.

Tapi aku tahu bila masa perlu ada rasa hormat, dan bila masa hormat boleh hilang dalam sekelip mata. Tak kisah lah kalau kamu jauh tua, bahkan kalau kamu sepuluh tahun muda dari aku pun, aku tahu bagaimana nak hormat kamu.

Sekian terima kasih. Rasa hormat sudah hilang.

Masuk ni je dah berapa kali hal lu naik dalam blog gua. Kesian kan?

Entah lah, gua rasa pervert dengan desperado macam lebih kurang je function dia.

Okay, housemate gua cantik. Cantik gila masalahnya. Pastu, nama pun housemate, mesti lah saling ada Facebook masing-masing. Satu hari, housemate gua balik kerja,

"Tadi ada kawan kau, dia mesej dekat FB, dia kata macamgini, "Oh, awak kawan Nisa' ke? UIA jugak?" Kawan kau ke?"

Tak pernah ada pun orang yang kenal gua, panggil gua Nisa'. Nisa' pulak tu, kalau Nisa boleh tahan lah lagi. Tak puas hati, gua suruh dia tunjuk siapa. Rupa-rupanya, lelaki ni, jumpa gua baru sekali. Cakap dengan gua pun tak pernah. Lepastu pernah sekali sound gua dekat FB. Patut lah panggil Nisa. Nama gua pun belum tentu dia ingat.

Lepas tu buat-buat nak berkenalan pulak dengan housemate gua.

Buat-buat tanya guna nama gua, macam dah kenal gua dari bersunat lagi.

Cis, terus gua delete lelaki ni.

Gua suspek dia pergi stalk perempuan dekat wall FB gua, pastu jumpa mana berkenan,mesej nak berkenalan.

Sebab gua tengok, dia dengan housemate gua takde mutual friends pun kecuali gua.

Hadoi, nampak murah la situasi begini.

Tak, gua bukan jeles. Gua menyirap. Dulu, dia kutuk gua, tak patut punya padu. Dulu, dia suruh kawan gua kurus dulu kalau nak kapel dengan dia. Dulu, masa gua jumpa dia, gaya dia memang 'Aku lah Hero Malaya tu, korang tak tau ke?'

Sekali kalau gua dapat terajang tengkuk lu, memang lu kenyang seumur hidup la makan pakai straw.

Truth be told.

I look back into our memories and still I cannot find me inside those. I now with open heart, let you go for good. Because the truth is, I no longer think that I can see us heading to the same path. I just realized that I am fine with you not around.

I miss us terribly, but it still can't change anything. I tried to pretend that I don't miss you, and it ruined most of the things in my life.

I wish you all the joy in life. I wish, I really wish.

Kerja paling gila dalam masa 100 tahun aku hidup.

It was fun doing this to a crush.

Even if it's just a dare from 19 years old kid. (Alyaa, you're so gonna pay for this, but thank you, nonetheless, because of you, I've got dick to try this out. Hugs for that.)

Yes it was stupid, because he didn't respond to it, except for clicking 'like' button. However, it has proven to me that I actually have the guts to show, okay not to show, but to settle for a subtle hint to people that I'm really into. Good God, I should have tried this like years ago. Silent crush thingy is so overrated. Serious talk.

But, sad thing about this is, it often ends with a snap, or black out. It already did. It's always like that. So yes. Here comes a long sigh for times I have wasted on falling for people but later end up with nothingness and move ons.

Sarcasm leads to a crack.

Bitch A : I don't know. You know, sarcasm won't make you any wiser. If you please, stop playing like a little bitch, sneaking into people's mind by saying stupid things like that, that might hurt their feelings, I'd be glad for the rest of my life. Cut some slacks, other people are not supposed to feel bad about themselves, they only need to think what is bad for them.

Bitch B : I don't know if there's another way to say things I don't like about other people. It's not that simple. I can't just shut up. I'm doing them a favor, by saying, indirectly, what is bad for them, it brings no good for me at all anyways. It is for them. So I just say things so that they are able to see the clear picture of particular understanding.

Bitch C : Okay, now you two clearly have issues with yourself. Can't you not talk, please? You are both looking for other people's lacks and mistakes, but forget to see what's in you yourself, which I can say, nothing. Grow up. You won't hurt other people in the process. Stop being so nosy about everything that you have to comment on all of it. After all, you're not that good yourself.

Can you really see the cycle?

All in me. Seriously. If you can see these bitches in me, you're on the right track to meet the most stuck up person on earth. I'm okay with that, anyways. I am not perfect. I don't know about you. :)

Ahh, again.

Oh My God.

You see, what I really want is to meet new people and start new things with them. But, seeing someone or something from the past coming back to my life is not something that I wish for.

Perhaps you might say it is good not to leave you past behind, but I'd rather save some space for future than being stuck with things that I don't really appreciate. I don't mind if they are just passing by, but to stop by and say hello, I am not sure about that.

I swear with my own name, I won't take back what I've thrown away, unless I'm not over it. Unless it's worth trying again. But right now, I feel like slapping my own past for being such an ass.

Its good to have you around. But believe me, its better not having you at all.

Di dalam hati terdapat sebuah kebun.

"At the end of the day, no words can actually heal a broken heart. We heal because we're just supposed to." - Diana Rikasari

Brilliant.

But my heart doesn't speak. It doesn't sing. It doesn't cry, let alone laugh. It just stays there. Static. It starts to work whenever I need it to stop working. And it won't stop.

It is numb. To that extent. And I am sorry, too. I am pigheaded.

Kurang aku, lebih kau, lebih lagi orang lain.

Aku bersyukur aku tak cantik.
Aku bersyukur aku gemuk.
Aku bersyukur aku miskin.
Aku bersyukur aku bodoh.
Aku bersyukur.

Sekarang aku tanya kau pulak.

Kau bersyukur kau cantik?
Kau bersyukur kau kurus?
Kau bersyukur kau kaya?
Kau bersyukur kau pandai?
Kau bersyukur?

Tuhan jadikan kurangnya satu manusia itu atas sebanyak-banyak sebab. Dan kekurangan yang Tuhan jadikan itu jika ditilik baik, lebih banyak istimewanya dari kebaikan. Kalau setiap baik itu kau ungkit dan setiap kurang kau sebut, maka sehingga kafan kau menyentuh tanah, belum tentu ikhlas kau dikira Tuhan.

Ingat tu.

Gat Deng!

Dear Pegawai Kesihatan,

If that transition of crush - love is really true, please don't be so effortlessly cute for another two months. Because by then, it is no longer a crush, it would be love.

And I don't want another heartbreak. Please?

Kau comel la dol. Kau reti ke tak?

Hang dok kalut laki hang oghang kebaih sangat pasaipa?

The purpose of this post is not to downgrade women, I am a woman myself.

But seriously, don't you girls have something else to do?

I know there's plenty of boyfriend snatchers out there who's waiting for the right time to snatch your loved one, but for the love of God, there's no need to feel insecure. No need to feel scared all the time.

Girls do know that they have their own code, which is called Chick Code. Or maybe it is not really a real code, but somehow we do have knowledge about that. You know, the ethics among us girls.

But what makes us girls look stupid, is when we fool ourselves by being overprotective on our boyfriend, (the term 'our' is not really correct actually, I don't have any) and being ridiculously crazy towards other girls.

I mean, seriously, come on.

Well maybe you can say your boyfriend is so hot, all girls would go naked and chase your boyfriend every time they see him. You see, I can't afford to deny that some girls might do that.

But believe me, other girls got class, too.

Has it ever crossed your mind if what you're scared of the most, well, happened, don't you think that it is actually, maybe part of it, or large part of it can really be your boyfriend's fault?

Like I said, try to multitask, bring your boobs around, but don't leave your brain behind.

And one more thing, pointing out people's weaknesses somehow shows to the world that you yourself are full of it. No, that is not how we girls roll. If a girl is being bitchy, others don't follow, they don't even laugh at it too. They leave.

School girl attitude is so 2000 years ago. Please. Bluargh.

Happy Friendship Un-Declaration Day! (Please don't say anything about any error.)

This is an advertisement : Do not manipulate others for your own benefit. Because you know, people do leave when they realized it's no longer worth it.

I don't know. I always have things with friendship. I mean, there are types of friendship if you must let me explain.

First : "Hello, do you still remember me? No? Really?"

Second : "Hey, come on, we're friends, right? Can I borrow your _____ ?"

Third : "I'll always be there, love. But will you be there, too?"

Me? I can be all. Seriously. But it depends. But mostly I am number three. I am depending on my best friends. Emotionally. My best friends are the ones who can deal with my emotion craps.

I don't really care about other things. I don't look at wealth, let alone at looks. I don't look at popularity, let alone coolness.

But anyways, my best friends are all awesome. Why?

Because they are themselves when they're around me. And I am me when I'm around them. I don't have to pretend anything, just to make them happy, neither do they, they don't have to pretend just to make me happy.

I don't mind their crappy jokes about me, because they don't care about me not holding back my words whenever I am talking to them, because we know, the respect is still there.

I'd always be there whenever my best friends need me, because I know they'll be there too when I am in need. Not only with text messages or phone call. They'd actually be there. Sitting next to me.

That's what I called real friends. Thank you very much.

To you, what we have now is not a friendship. We used to have one long time ago, but now, it's just, no, I don't know what to call it anymore. I hope you don't mind. Maybe we're not destined to be a real good friends any longer.

A little help, please?

I am in a serious jiwang mode. Because of nothing. Really. Nothing. And that scares the heck out of me. I am jiwang because of nothing.

Can't really blame Post Menstrual Syndrome. The hormones usually do nothing good on me. I usually feel strangely horny, not this.

Help.

Try blending the sound of your surrounding and your heartbeat.

I've listened to the Under Cover of Darkness already, boy I just love these guys till the day I die. I've been listening to them since I was 15, damn they're brilliant. Yes, you can call me lame because they are so common right now for all I care. Deep down I know you love them too much you can't even stand other people liking them too.

Pagi-pagi dah emo.

So nothing much, anyways. I've been staying in Batu Pahat for one week straight, I just can't wait to get out of here. Not that I hate my own home. It's just I don't have friends here. Not even one. I don't know with whom I want to hang out with, no, not my parents. I need puffs when I am hanging out, man. I can die like this.

Why all of sudden I sounded like freaking Negro here?

Discovered uninvited reader(s) just now. Been kepoh-ing about that on Twitter. Why? Because the reader came from the place that surprised me. Of all places, haih la. Okay, so Alyaa (I really wish this girl to be my sister. Sister-in-law. Or any kind of sister she could be) and I, we've been discussing about who it might be. I don't know, I am just curious. Hek hek. Okay, I should stop typing that hek hek, it is disgusting.

Oh, the purpose I'm writing this post is, looking at several evidences and proofs just now, now I believe, some people are just born lucky. Lucky they don't have to think about how lucky they are. It that really promised to them? How about the rest? Which I am really convinced just left clueless and confused. What about them?

Not that I am questioning anything, I am one lucky girl myself. But who says life ain't fairy tale? It is, for the love of God. Yes, in the middle of the way we might face something, but along the way, do all the hardships really knock ourselves down? I don't think we even realize that. At the end of the day, we'll just find ways to escape. Always like that.

Some of you might not get that, nonetheless, I don't know how to explain it anyways.

Speaking of luck, one of us above is tying the knot at the end of next month. I am having nervous breakdown myself. Life is getting scarier, everyone is settling down, getting married, having babies. And I am horrified. I might run to overseas if I don't get married in five years time.

Description : I wasn't high when this post was written. I was just, floating.

Apart from fulfilling my plan to further my MBA, I would like to start collecting boots.

Okay, that's kinda random. No, I don't know what to do. I am clueless, I don't know where to start. I want to continue doing shits in advertising, but we'll talk about that later, after I'm done with Masters.

I want to be an actress. No, I should try direct selling. Part time job seems good, real good but I just can't get my ass off the chair to find one. It's not that I am lazy or anything. And don't tell me I haven't tried. People promised me a job, I just don't know when is it coming really.

Man, I'm annoyed with myself. But I believe, there's always a reason. I might learn something from this unemployment someday.

I changed myself, a bit. And Sheima said she kinda see the changes. I'm done with vulgarities, done with my lame hairdo, done with rebellion, done with cheap slutty style, done with smoking. The last one was just a lie. Though I only puff a stick per day these days. Back to the topic, I am on my way to be a girl. An ordinary girl. Think that would suit me best. Ordinary is kinda rare nowadays. And awesome. Hiks.

Or maybe, I should get a boyfriend. White. Yakin. I am not a romantic type seriously, you see, but I love the gentleness and decency, say if I could try having one. Or maybe that are just TV qualities. Okay, a foreigner, but from the same region. Indonesian perhaps. No? Why not? I am lonely now, no boyfriend, no fling, not even a crush. I am sad little girl, so be nice to me.

And, I voiced this out to Ijat, which was nonsense, but I just want to experience the heartbreak again. Of being dumped, left, or whatever it is that might cause me banging my head to the wall. I just want to feel that again. Hold me back, girlfriends (only), if you ever see me going towards this. And slap me if you must. Oh, wait, this action doesn't involve my he-girlfriend Ratu Kebaya. He got big hands.

I clearly need something to trigger me, to direct me to at least one focus. I am bored and I can't stop minding other people's business. And I had to spell-check the word 'business' right there.

Try to imagine how irritating I can be, by reading this post. I am Captain Crappy, "Hail from the land of crappyness!"

I can't stand doing nothing at all, but I can't stop doing nothing anyway, just so you know.

Oh, oh, I just realized there's a resemblance of Pete Doherty in Pegawai Kesihatan. He's skinnier maybe, but that is just love.

A smile does really make you feel okay, doesn't it?

I know we've gone through that phase. For the love of God, the phase where he took you away from me. I am over that. Really.

But, it really pains me like hell, when the awkward moments occured, like when you're on the phone with him, and I was there. Lying next to you, listening to your conversation. Or whenever you received text messages, I couldn't help but thinking they were from him. Let alone seeing you default photo. Priceless.

To tell you the truth, I am over him, but not you, that's another reason why I allow you to be in my life again. If you think being my friend is ever worth it, I think the same too. But whenever you see me again, try to look deeper, beneath all, you might see the scars.

I am fine, really. It's just I don't know how to let you know about things.