Truth be told.

I look back into our memories and still I cannot find me inside those. I now with open heart, let you go for good. Because the truth is, I no longer think that I can see us heading to the same path. I just realized that I am fine with you not around.

I miss us terribly, but it still can't change anything. I tried to pretend that I don't miss you, and it ruined most of the things in my life.

I wish you all the joy in life. I wish, I really wish.

Kerja paling gila dalam masa 100 tahun aku hidup.

It was fun doing this to a crush.

Even if it's just a dare from 19 years old kid. (Alyaa, you're so gonna pay for this, but thank you, nonetheless, because of you, I've got dick to try this out. Hugs for that.)

Yes it was stupid, because he didn't respond to it, except for clicking 'like' button. However, it has proven to me that I actually have the guts to show, okay not to show, but to settle for a subtle hint to people that I'm really into. Good God, I should have tried this like years ago. Silent crush thingy is so overrated. Serious talk.

But, sad thing about this is, it often ends with a snap, or black out. It already did. It's always like that. So yes. Here comes a long sigh for times I have wasted on falling for people but later end up with nothingness and move ons.

Sarcasm leads to a crack.

Bitch A : I don't know. You know, sarcasm won't make you any wiser. If you please, stop playing like a little bitch, sneaking into people's mind by saying stupid things like that, that might hurt their feelings, I'd be glad for the rest of my life. Cut some slacks, other people are not supposed to feel bad about themselves, they only need to think what is bad for them.

Bitch B : I don't know if there's another way to say things I don't like about other people. It's not that simple. I can't just shut up. I'm doing them a favor, by saying, indirectly, what is bad for them, it brings no good for me at all anyways. It is for them. So I just say things so that they are able to see the clear picture of particular understanding.

Bitch C : Okay, now you two clearly have issues with yourself. Can't you not talk, please? You are both looking for other people's lacks and mistakes, but forget to see what's in you yourself, which I can say, nothing. Grow up. You won't hurt other people in the process. Stop being so nosy about everything that you have to comment on all of it. After all, you're not that good yourself.

Can you really see the cycle?

All in me. Seriously. If you can see these bitches in me, you're on the right track to meet the most stuck up person on earth. I'm okay with that, anyways. I am not perfect. I don't know about you. :)

Ahh, again.

Oh My God.

You see, what I really want is to meet new people and start new things with them. But, seeing someone or something from the past coming back to my life is not something that I wish for.

Perhaps you might say it is good not to leave you past behind, but I'd rather save some space for future than being stuck with things that I don't really appreciate. I don't mind if they are just passing by, but to stop by and say hello, I am not sure about that.

I swear with my own name, I won't take back what I've thrown away, unless I'm not over it. Unless it's worth trying again. But right now, I feel like slapping my own past for being such an ass.

Its good to have you around. But believe me, its better not having you at all.

Di dalam hati terdapat sebuah kebun.

"At the end of the day, no words can actually heal a broken heart. We heal because we're just supposed to." - Diana Rikasari

Brilliant.

But my heart doesn't speak. It doesn't sing. It doesn't cry, let alone laugh. It just stays there. Static. It starts to work whenever I need it to stop working. And it won't stop.

It is numb. To that extent. And I am sorry, too. I am pigheaded.

Kurang aku, lebih kau, lebih lagi orang lain.

Aku bersyukur aku tak cantik.
Aku bersyukur aku gemuk.
Aku bersyukur aku miskin.
Aku bersyukur aku bodoh.
Aku bersyukur.

Sekarang aku tanya kau pulak.

Kau bersyukur kau cantik?
Kau bersyukur kau kurus?
Kau bersyukur kau kaya?
Kau bersyukur kau pandai?
Kau bersyukur?

Tuhan jadikan kurangnya satu manusia itu atas sebanyak-banyak sebab. Dan kekurangan yang Tuhan jadikan itu jika ditilik baik, lebih banyak istimewanya dari kebaikan. Kalau setiap baik itu kau ungkit dan setiap kurang kau sebut, maka sehingga kafan kau menyentuh tanah, belum tentu ikhlas kau dikira Tuhan.

Ingat tu.

Gat Deng!

Dear Pegawai Kesihatan,

If that transition of crush - love is really true, please don't be so effortlessly cute for another two months. Because by then, it is no longer a crush, it would be love.

And I don't want another heartbreak. Please?

Kau comel la dol. Kau reti ke tak?

Hang dok kalut laki hang oghang kebaih sangat pasaipa?

The purpose of this post is not to downgrade women, I am a woman myself.

But seriously, don't you girls have something else to do?

I know there's plenty of boyfriend snatchers out there who's waiting for the right time to snatch your loved one, but for the love of God, there's no need to feel insecure. No need to feel scared all the time.

Girls do know that they have their own code, which is called Chick Code. Or maybe it is not really a real code, but somehow we do have knowledge about that. You know, the ethics among us girls.

But what makes us girls look stupid, is when we fool ourselves by being overprotective on our boyfriend, (the term 'our' is not really correct actually, I don't have any) and being ridiculously crazy towards other girls.

I mean, seriously, come on.

Well maybe you can say your boyfriend is so hot, all girls would go naked and chase your boyfriend every time they see him. You see, I can't afford to deny that some girls might do that.

But believe me, other girls got class, too.

Has it ever crossed your mind if what you're scared of the most, well, happened, don't you think that it is actually, maybe part of it, or large part of it can really be your boyfriend's fault?

Like I said, try to multitask, bring your boobs around, but don't leave your brain behind.

And one more thing, pointing out people's weaknesses somehow shows to the world that you yourself are full of it. No, that is not how we girls roll. If a girl is being bitchy, others don't follow, they don't even laugh at it too. They leave.

School girl attitude is so 2000 years ago. Please. Bluargh.

Happy Friendship Un-Declaration Day! (Please don't say anything about any error.)

This is an advertisement : Do not manipulate others for your own benefit. Because you know, people do leave when they realized it's no longer worth it.

I don't know. I always have things with friendship. I mean, there are types of friendship if you must let me explain.

First : "Hello, do you still remember me? No? Really?"

Second : "Hey, come on, we're friends, right? Can I borrow your _____ ?"

Third : "I'll always be there, love. But will you be there, too?"

Me? I can be all. Seriously. But it depends. But mostly I am number three. I am depending on my best friends. Emotionally. My best friends are the ones who can deal with my emotion craps.

I don't really care about other things. I don't look at wealth, let alone at looks. I don't look at popularity, let alone coolness.

But anyways, my best friends are all awesome. Why?

Because they are themselves when they're around me. And I am me when I'm around them. I don't have to pretend anything, just to make them happy, neither do they, they don't have to pretend just to make me happy.

I don't mind their crappy jokes about me, because they don't care about me not holding back my words whenever I am talking to them, because we know, the respect is still there.

I'd always be there whenever my best friends need me, because I know they'll be there too when I am in need. Not only with text messages or phone call. They'd actually be there. Sitting next to me.

That's what I called real friends. Thank you very much.

To you, what we have now is not a friendship. We used to have one long time ago, but now, it's just, no, I don't know what to call it anymore. I hope you don't mind. Maybe we're not destined to be a real good friends any longer.

A little help, please?

I am in a serious jiwang mode. Because of nothing. Really. Nothing. And that scares the heck out of me. I am jiwang because of nothing.

Can't really blame Post Menstrual Syndrome. The hormones usually do nothing good on me. I usually feel strangely horny, not this.

Help.

Try blending the sound of your surrounding and your heartbeat.

I've listened to the Under Cover of Darkness already, boy I just love these guys till the day I die. I've been listening to them since I was 15, damn they're brilliant. Yes, you can call me lame because they are so common right now for all I care. Deep down I know you love them too much you can't even stand other people liking them too.

Pagi-pagi dah emo.

So nothing much, anyways. I've been staying in Batu Pahat for one week straight, I just can't wait to get out of here. Not that I hate my own home. It's just I don't have friends here. Not even one. I don't know with whom I want to hang out with, no, not my parents. I need puffs when I am hanging out, man. I can die like this.

Why all of sudden I sounded like freaking Negro here?

Discovered uninvited reader(s) just now. Been kepoh-ing about that on Twitter. Why? Because the reader came from the place that surprised me. Of all places, haih la. Okay, so Alyaa (I really wish this girl to be my sister. Sister-in-law. Or any kind of sister she could be) and I, we've been discussing about who it might be. I don't know, I am just curious. Hek hek. Okay, I should stop typing that hek hek, it is disgusting.

Oh, the purpose I'm writing this post is, looking at several evidences and proofs just now, now I believe, some people are just born lucky. Lucky they don't have to think about how lucky they are. It that really promised to them? How about the rest? Which I am really convinced just left clueless and confused. What about them?

Not that I am questioning anything, I am one lucky girl myself. But who says life ain't fairy tale? It is, for the love of God. Yes, in the middle of the way we might face something, but along the way, do all the hardships really knock ourselves down? I don't think we even realize that. At the end of the day, we'll just find ways to escape. Always like that.

Some of you might not get that, nonetheless, I don't know how to explain it anyways.

Speaking of luck, one of us above is tying the knot at the end of next month. I am having nervous breakdown myself. Life is getting scarier, everyone is settling down, getting married, having babies. And I am horrified. I might run to overseas if I don't get married in five years time.

Description : I wasn't high when this post was written. I was just, floating.

Apart from fulfilling my plan to further my MBA, I would like to start collecting boots.

Okay, that's kinda random. No, I don't know what to do. I am clueless, I don't know where to start. I want to continue doing shits in advertising, but we'll talk about that later, after I'm done with Masters.

I want to be an actress. No, I should try direct selling. Part time job seems good, real good but I just can't get my ass off the chair to find one. It's not that I am lazy or anything. And don't tell me I haven't tried. People promised me a job, I just don't know when is it coming really.

Man, I'm annoyed with myself. But I believe, there's always a reason. I might learn something from this unemployment someday.

I changed myself, a bit. And Sheima said she kinda see the changes. I'm done with vulgarities, done with my lame hairdo, done with rebellion, done with cheap slutty style, done with smoking. The last one was just a lie. Though I only puff a stick per day these days. Back to the topic, I am on my way to be a girl. An ordinary girl. Think that would suit me best. Ordinary is kinda rare nowadays. And awesome. Hiks.

Or maybe, I should get a boyfriend. White. Yakin. I am not a romantic type seriously, you see, but I love the gentleness and decency, say if I could try having one. Or maybe that are just TV qualities. Okay, a foreigner, but from the same region. Indonesian perhaps. No? Why not? I am lonely now, no boyfriend, no fling, not even a crush. I am sad little girl, so be nice to me.

And, I voiced this out to Ijat, which was nonsense, but I just want to experience the heartbreak again. Of being dumped, left, or whatever it is that might cause me banging my head to the wall. I just want to feel that again. Hold me back, girlfriends (only), if you ever see me going towards this. And slap me if you must. Oh, wait, this action doesn't involve my he-girlfriend Ratu Kebaya. He got big hands.

I clearly need something to trigger me, to direct me to at least one focus. I am bored and I can't stop minding other people's business. And I had to spell-check the word 'business' right there.

Try to imagine how irritating I can be, by reading this post. I am Captain Crappy, "Hail from the land of crappyness!"

I can't stand doing nothing at all, but I can't stop doing nothing anyway, just so you know.

Oh, oh, I just realized there's a resemblance of Pete Doherty in Pegawai Kesihatan. He's skinnier maybe, but that is just love.

A smile does really make you feel okay, doesn't it?

I know we've gone through that phase. For the love of God, the phase where he took you away from me. I am over that. Really.

But, it really pains me like hell, when the awkward moments occured, like when you're on the phone with him, and I was there. Lying next to you, listening to your conversation. Or whenever you received text messages, I couldn't help but thinking they were from him. Let alone seeing you default photo. Priceless.

To tell you the truth, I am over him, but not you, that's another reason why I allow you to be in my life again. If you think being my friend is ever worth it, I think the same too. But whenever you see me again, try to look deeper, beneath all, you might see the scars.

I am fine, really. It's just I don't know how to let you know about things.

Pasal lelaki, apa lain?

I don't know man, I used to love this kind of boys. Bad boys used to attract me the most. Like these two.

But now, I really dig nerds. I just don't know why.

Bad boys are lame, nerds are just like, cute. And I really want cute in boys.

Sources: Internet yaw.

Susah rupanya jadi manusia ni.

It is my pleasure if you want me to stop caring about you.

Starting from today, you can do what you want, I, with all my life, would prohibit myself from being in any of your decision.

As I stood there thinking about not letting you be in any kind of hardship, you just thought I am a burden, always provoke the negative side of almost anything.

Just so you know, it is for your own good. I did all for you. For you. If you think I'm just being plain menyibuk about all, then I think this is the end.

With that claim, I now declare myself to not care about anything you did, you've been doing as well as you are going to do. This is my word.

Sungguh random.

I am feeling a little bit uninspired lately. But I think that's okay. Life has got its ups and downs.

There's no story to tell. There's no frustration. I am happy happy for no reasons. I just don't know why. If I am not happy, I am okay. There's no space for sadness, at all.

Oh, but I pray to God for Sheima's health. Her condition is worsening, though slowly. Latest, she's been diagnosed with Hepatitis B. How frustrating is that? I hate to see her fall sick. Its killing me inside. Now God, please help her, please help us all, please.

Sending application (in a process of sending it), I've decided to go for UUM, to do Applied Linguistics, may the application will be accepted, InsyaAllah. If there's no complication, and if I am accepted to further there, the next intake will be in June (correction: September actually.).

The best part is, I no longer swear. Like totally free from swearing. Not even a single word. Except for "Bo...doh gilaaa!" or "Bangang ke apa?". I feel guilty every time I was about to swear. Hope this will last. It is good, isn't it? But I kinda miss those bad words, I am.

So yes, that is all. Things are coming, but I want to keep it first. There will be a laugh if its really going to happen.

Kempen "Membaca Itu Sudah Lama Start, Kau Je Yang Lembab!"

I have this hobby right now, which is doing research on things. No, particularly I just read about things. No research, just reading and a lot of 'ohh' and 'hmm' and 'whoa' happened in the process. It is fun.

The thing is, I was so ignorant I refused to read. I just gained things and info about what happened in this world simply by asking. Especially history. It is terrible you know, when you know things from the surface only and have no intention to read further.

Ish, ish, ish.

I always love to read about Sirah Rasulullah S.A.W. Or anything regarding to Islamic history. It fascinates me. I remember I finished reading a book of Kisah Nabi in one night. As well as local myths, awesome ones especially. Such as those Hikayat Puteri Gunung Ledang, or Sultan Mahmud Mangkat Dijulang, or even the story about a Dragon that resides under Muar Bridge. I just don't know why, I am always attracted to this kind of story.

Where can I get more of those Malay hikayats?

p/s: I don't know whether you feel it too, I think this blog looks dull when I stopped swearing. But I can't, I am restraining myself from doing it.

Kau dengan aku sama saja buruknya.

Perihal membuka pekung di dada ni memang setail lah.

Aku sejenis manusia yang sekali melangkah, takde mananya nak toleh belakang dah. Hati aku keras. Degil, Nauzubillah. Mak bapak aku pun mengaku kerasnya hati aku. Bila aku nak, aku nak jugak jugak.

Bila aku tak nak, aku tak suka, aku boleh buat bodoh dengan selamba, apa lagi nak ambil peduli.

Aku selalu buat orang marah, selalu buat orang terasa, tapi bila nak mintak maaf, sekali pun payah.

Ego aku tinggi. Tinggi langit. Aku sombong, aku tak ramah, aku memilih kawan. Aku jaga kelas, walaupun kelas aku sebenarnya di bawah, bukan di atas. Aku selalu tak berkenan dengan orang, selalunya sebelum berkenalan.

Aku pemalas. Kemas rumah, mop lantai, sapu sampah bukan 'scene' aku. Aku tak reti masak. Basuh baju pakai mesin pun aku terkial-kial. Ciri-ciri berkahwin memang tak ada langsung. Apa lagi nak jadi anak solehah.

Aku jarang serius. Semua benda aku ambil lewa. Semua hal aku buat ketawa. Aku gemar bersuka-suka. Berhibur sampai orang naik pelik, tak penat ke?

Jadi itu baru separuh sifat buruk aku.

Kalau keluarkan semua, boleh buat letih nak baca balik.

Malu?

Biasa je sebenarnya.

Orang datang dan pergi disebabkan ini. Tetapi buat masa ini, semua tu tak apa.

Sebab satu asas hidup aku pegang,

"Hidup memang dikelilingi orang. Tapi orang bukan satu, bukan juga sejuta.

Yang penting, jadikan diri sebagai hak diri sendiri, bukan orang lain punya."

p/s: Aku hormat cara hidup kau yang bertentangan dengan cara hidup aku, sila belajar hormat cara hidup aku, yang dah tak perlu ada kau di dalamnya.

Buat hal lah kau ni.

I may no longer have the power to curse and swear, but that wouldn't really stop me from smashing some faces, if I want to.

Firstly, you have deleted me from your friends list, virtually as well as in reality. I am fine with that, because I know a coward just can always talk way too much, and later find so many reasons to save his/her own ass. I am used to that.

The act of deleting me from your friend list as if you don't want me to know anything about you, really makes me want to puke. Funny thing is, you're the one here reading things I wrote. Not that I don't allow you to read my blog, I know you've been waiting for a post that specially dedicated to you. But what makes me damn frustrated is that I still don't have the opportunity to slap your face several times, for messing with me, my friends as well as for that big mouth you have.

Seriously, get over yourself. I don't miss you that much. And believe me, I know it's you. I no longer wait for you to say things you're supposed to say. I know you're always like that. A little coward. Go cry your ass off, that is all you could do.

Right there when you think you're alone.

There are numbers of interpretations when it comes to love. It depends on each and every individual in this world, on how they perceive love itself. As for me, I don't know, at first I thought love can be assimilated with happiness, and all that itsy-bitsy things that you did not care about before, now all are involved. Later came some unfortunate events, I began to believe that love is vulnerable. Bluergh. Of course love is subjective, love to God, parents, friends, and all. But the ultimate association is often the affection towards a person, a soul mate. And I am talking about that. And yes now since I am being all optimist and positive, I now have different view on love.

Easy.

It is a matter of you're actually stupid, or you purposely make a fool of yourself, love changes all. You're fine even when you look like the dumbest person on earth. That is when you're in love.

And yes, it is easy if you make it easy, it is not if you complicate it. Rule of nature, as always.

This is a random post. I feel like talking about love tonight. No, it has nothing to do with Valentine's Day, and I am not even in love right now.