2014

Benda paling aku benci dalam dunia bila rasa sayu terselit setiap kali bila jawab soalan-soalan sensitif.

Aku bukan hipokrit, tak nak orang tahu aku sedih. Aku nak orang tahu aku terasa, tersentak dalam hati, cuma entah, tak terkeluar perkataan-perkataan dalam hati. Yang meluru cuma yang dalam otak je.

"Lu orang dah cop setiap tahun, rilek la, 2014 tu lama lagi kot."

2014 tu pun kalau cukup semua syaratnya.

Dan kalau lah sempat mak bapak aku masih ada.

Kalau lah aku pun masih bernyawa.

Itu lah benda yang aku lupa nak ingatkan kau. Kalau nak tau, itu bukti bodoh aku untuk hari ini.

Islam vs Muslims

First of all, I am not going to put any references in this post, relating to the topic that I am going to discuss here. Not that I am scared I am going to be smashed back, but I believe it is good not to point my finger to people, which happens to be my topic for today.

I am a God's servant who is full of wrongs myself, arrogant, and ignorant. Therefore, I am not the right person to value the verdict.

This is actually a matter pertaining to Muslims, and their ineffective ways of preaching. I've seen a lot of Muslims, regardless of their level of piousness, failed to preach or counsel other Muslims appropriately, in terms of verbal communication, as well as body language. Especially us Malays.

For example,

"Sesiapa yang memakai _______, sesungguhnya ianya kelihatan sungguh jijik dan hina seperti perempuan ________ . "

And as for body language, almost all of us have once, maybe more, received this one kind of special look from other people, especially from people who dressed well enough to be understood as religious people.

Things like that.

Sure everyone has own stance, and my stance is, I know I commit sins, everyday, but are you sure enough that kind of preach would direct me to the right path, or at least help me to change myself to be a better person? I don't think so.

Why would this kind of people try to offer faith when they failed to portray the faith that they have in other Muslims? Maybe some of you would claim, positive efforts have been done long time before, they just didn't give positive feedbacks, but now the same question again, will this kind of efforts help?

I don't know, I don't see this helping, not even a bit. It would just bring up prejudices, fitnah, as well as false judgments.

Look at this two examples;

I went to the most Islamic University in Malaysia for my undergraduate studies, there are so many rules that are amended based on Islamic rules, such as covering aurah and all that. The ones that were caught breaking the rules, are going to be compounded, worst, expelled.

I have friends who can be considered as "near" to the religion, but never judge me for what I am, yes, they never failed to fulfill their responsibility to preach me, it is their patience and faith that actually counts.

And yes, friends of mine are the ones who have hit me with the bigger impact in changing lanes, not the authoritative rules themselves, in a good way, anyways. Expected? I am only a normal human being.

I don't feel violated as a Muslim, because I admit I myself am vile to my own religion, but it is sad seeing this because it forces me to feel scared of other fellow Muslims, not Allah S.W.T Himself.

However, it is human nature to blame. I myself blame people for things that have affected me. But no, I do blame them with good level of judgment, not stupidity. Yes, God balance us through our deeds and akhlak, but He never forgets to balance us all, regardless our level of iman, no one can escape.

Don't get me wrong here, this has nothing to do with politics. That, is just bullshit.

Social experiment often upsets me.

There are actually two things I am about to say today. Here goes the first one.

____________________________________________________________________

Big talk always comes from a small person. Not physically, but you know what I mean.

Yes, you might say it is how you motivate yourself, but please, don't you think it would annoy people after all? You're so full on the outside, yet failed to hide that you're actually empty on the inside. And that's not good for your health.

Don't forget to look at where you're standing man. Don't forget to do that before you start bragging about yourself. Don't get so comfortable saying things that make you look good where you actually have nothing to offer anyway. Don't be an attention seeker. It is rather sad.

Because people know who you really are. Because people know how big your talk is and how small your penis/vagina is.

You go around telling people you have all the confidence in the world that you'd be fine by your own yet you are actually scared to face the world alone. No, it's not a right thing to do. The right thing to do is you do good things to yourself without telling people you're doing so. Or at least you don't go hoping for people to look at you while you're doing those good things. That is called pretending, if you're still clueless with what the hell am I talking here about.

Talk smart, man.

You don't have to impress other people, the only person you have to give good impressions is you.

And one more thing, don't go bitching about your friends, behind their back, especially the ones who have helped to pick up your shits when you have no one else you can turn to. It's pathetically unethical. And irresponsible.

____________________________________________________________________

The awkward moment when you realize your friends no longer want to be your friends,

is the moment where you begin to think about whatever your fault is, and I can't find mine.

Like I said before, I am tired of drama, bitch. I am tired of knowing this without any notifications. So if you want to stop being my friends, don't leave me hanging like a motherfucker, there. Just say it straight to my face, say "You're stupid, I don't want to be your friend, anymore." or maybe "You're not reaching my standards, we shouldn't be friends." Which I believe would be easier for us.

When you leave me there, without knowing what did I do to you, it's going to lead to an unfinished business between us, and I don't want that, I don't want to be burned in hell because of you, if you know what I mean. So, if you have anything against me that stopped you from being my friends, let me know hell details about that.

And after things are settled, it's up to you to live your fucking life without me being in it, I don't give a fuck. Why would I want to be your friend if you don't want me being yours?

Give me credit for having self-love, please. I just want to be fair to myself.

Kemain lagi kawen ni ha.

Nikah

Bersanding

Bertandang

Earlier this month, one of my closest cousins, Ain, got married to the love of 7 years in her life (and still counting), Fadhlee.

I remember their first date, back then when he's not yet her boyfriend, she brought me along, because I lived in Johor Bahru circa 2006, as well as the guy. Funny thing about it, at first, she didn't like him back then, and he's obviously the opposite. That's the only thing I keep repeating whenever I want to tease my cousin.

Not long after that, I was told that they're dating. And until last year, they've decided to get engaged. And the wedding came in the following year, which is this year.

It was beautiful. The ceremonies were really beautiful. It was kind of special. Being in all of the ceremonies gave me kinds of feelings, happy of course, sad at the same time, and of all, stunned. I don't know why. I've been to hundreds of weddings, but this was the once that touched me so much. Maybe because she's among my very closest (you know how close I am to my cousins) relatives. I kept asking questions to her, like how's that feeling, and she said, in summary, "Relieved, and most of all, extraordinarily loved."

Beautiful.

It taught me a lot, because there's a lot that takes two person to love each other, however it makes hardships and obstacles look so easy to be faced. And a lot of other stuff.

Both of Lye and Jijo are getting married next year, I've heard the news already. I can't wait to organize the hen parties! I am so excited, and bewildered too.

It's nice to know that all four of us are growing up according to the plan.

Note : One thing I love about wedding is, not the food, not the colors, but the veil. I just don't know why. I go to wedding just to see the bride's veil. Funny isn't it?

Photo credits to Ain's photographer.

Certain people are very very tiring, you know.

I don't want to be spectacular, I don't want to be bold, I don't want to be awesome,

I just want to be fine. And normal.

Because being fine and normal represents the capability to live this life to the fullest, on your own. And because being fine and normal always beats people's expectation. And not to forget, being fine and normal often tells you that you have nothing to lose.

I believe in that now. I don't expect people to understand the difficult part of me, and I don't put any hopes in them having the courtesy to let me be in their life. I am not saying that I am a humble person, I am absolutely not. But I don't want to be anywhere near the spotlight, if you know what I mean.

I love myself the way I am. I just want to run free. I see a lot in this whole world. I think I want to pause everything else and focus on what I am aiming for now. Which is being fine and normal. It feels nice. At least at this particular moment.

Sedih la.

You know, when we were teenagers, we always thought being bad and irrational is cool. Yes, I can't deny that. It is true, I felt the same way too.

But come on, growing up is certainly scary, but being stuck between your teen angst and teenage curiosity at the age of 24 is not cute. It is time to grow up, no, you should be growing up by now.

Don't ever do stupid things just because you have issues with yourself. Don't ever betray your friends just because you want attention. And don't ever think that no one in this world loves you, hence the stupid actions.

Try to at least speak to yourself. Is this really what you want in life? Have faith in God, bitch.

10 perkara rawak mengenai gua, kalau lu ingin tahu. Gua kata, kalau.

1. Sehingga umur gua dalam pertengahan belasan tahun, baru gua tahu beza gulai dengan kari tu apa. Gua sedih kalau ingat balik perkara tu.

2. Gua seorang manusia yang lu paling susah nak nampak pakai barang kemas. Raya pun belum tentu gua beremas-emas ni. Gua rasa macam joyah kalau pakai gelang emas.

3. Sayur adalah musuh utama gua. Setiap kali makan, PS mesti cakap, "Macamana lah nak besar, tak makan sayur!" Sampai sekarang. Tapi sekarang tu gua rasa dia sindir je tu. Takkan la dia tak perasan gua sebesar apa?

4. Di umur 24 tahun, gua masih tidur bilik mak bapak gua. Tanpa rasa bersalah.

5. Gua sebenarnya sungguh pemalu di mana-mana pertemuan kali pertama dengan lelaki. Selepas beberapa kali bertemu, lelaki pulak yang naik malu dengan gua.

6. Posisi tidur gua dulu kini dan selamanya, adalah meniarap. Gua ingat lagi kawan lelaki gua pernah sound, "Sebab tido tiarap lah, boobs kita jadi macam saggy." Boobs kita, kata dia.

7. Gua selalu tertinggal berita. Selalunya berita hari ini, gua akan dapat tau dalam esok atau lusa.

8. Gua suka tengok perempuan daripada lelaki. Walaupun gua lebih suka lelaki daripada perempuan.

9. Gua memang ada alahan dengan remaja 13-17 tahun.

10. Sampai sekarang gua memang tak pernah baca buku Harry Potter satu pun walaupun gua suka nak gila semua cerita dia. Gua kan hipster.

Teacher Syafa. Boleh tahan gedik bunyi dia.

So okay now I am working as a part-time tutor/language teacher at Cambridge Language Centre here in Batu Pahat while waiting for you-know-what-I'm-not-going-to-repeat-it-for-like-a-thousand-times-here.

First class went really well. Well enough I think, because one of the students requested to call me Teacher Teddy kepala hotak because she said "Teacher cute sangatttttt!" haih la. So I said no.

But the thing is, I, surprisingly, don't hate teaching. At least for now. I don't know, in another few weeks I'll change my mind so we'll see.

So, change of topic. I gained weight like hell weh. Like seriously I now can't fit in PS's kain baju kurung, this is killing me. I don't want to accept the fact that she's getting skinnier than me, but that is it.

Okay next time if YOU want to point out about my weight, please say that I am heavier than the comparison subject, instead of saying bigger than him/her because it won't hurt me that much. Even though you don't know what the hell is my weight measurement. I still can accept that.

Life is not yet boring here in Batu Pahat. Days are filled with CSIs, air sirap, baby kittens, backbitings and stuff. I don't go out much so that is all left for me to do. One thing that bothers me these two three weeks staying here in kampung is that I miss my friends. So. Much.

I miss having teh tarik with them. I miss our stupid jokes and stupid laughs. I can die lah like this. I promise I'll come to KL once in awhile when I have enough money lah kot I can't stand not seeing them.

And basically I miss Mamak Hero, Murni's and Mali's and most of all, Wong Jowo.

But no, I haven't regretted, not even a single bit of moving back to hometown, yet.

Kau ingat aku malaikat nak sabar lebih-lebih?

Aku dah lama hidup tak ada rasa marah dekat orang. Okay tipu, baru dua hari lepas aku marah orang tegur aku gemuk. Celaka.

Tapi maksud aku di sini, aku dah lama tak marah, geram sampai terbawak-bawak mengigau, bangun tidur sambung geram sampai menangis terajang dinding.

Jangan nak mula.

Ibu baru pesan dekat aku,

"Sebab mencarut tu lah hidup jadi tak berkat, rezeki susah nak datang."

Kau jangan nak mula.

Hari hari pun Hari Ibu, bukan hari ni aje.

Pasangan Miang Jiwang.

"Terima kasih sebab tak pernah ungkit hutang sakit bersalin, hutang air susu, hutang setiap butir nasi, hutang air mata, dan pelbagai hutang yang lain. Sedikit sayang pun tak akan berkurang, sedikit kasih pun tak akan menipis. Selamat Hari Ibu, Bomoh Tua! Dan juga seluruh mak budak dalam dunia!"

Takkan ada satu manusia pun yang boleh kira berapa banyak syukurnya aku atas masih kewujudan kedua-dua ibu ayah aku. Kalau sekali diuji hilang salah satu, boleh gila aku. Hidup terlalu bergantung kepada keduanya ini sesungguhnya mengundang risau setiap saat. Risau bagaimana nak diteruskan terbang kalau hilang sayap.

Lalu hendak aku khabarkan kepada mereka yang telah hilang seorang, mahupun keduanya sekali, bahawa tidak ada simpati untuk kamu, sebaliknya rasa kagum bila tegap kamu berdiri, sedangkan aku kalau menggalas semua rasa itu, pasti merangkak dari mula sampai ke akhir.

Jadi sempena Hari Ibu, dimana tiada pun apa-apa sambutan tapi cukup buat aku bahagia kerana ini kali pertama selepas 6 tahun jauh jarak kami, Hari Ibu aku lalui dengan setiap saat hadirnya Ibu di sisi. Biar sampai naik rimas, aku tak peduli, kalau boleh aku bergayut di bahunya, aku bergayut.

Seronok.

Oh, Selamat Hari Ibu juga buat Ayah sebab jadikan Ibu seorang ibu, yang penuh kasih sayang, sikit pun tak pernah kurang.

Credits to Hel-looks.

These are what I actually used to look like. In terms of color scheme, mind you. I started getting into bright colors when I was 20. My teenage life was full of blacks, greys, dark greens, and navy blues back then. And I loved it.

I am thinking of going back to that era of mine. Colors bore me nowadays. I am letting go every bright color that I can see in my closet.

The nicest attire I've ever encountered.

Bantu-membantu sesama manusia adalah dituntut agama.

Cewah ayat pancing aku kan. HAHA

http://fatassbigbosom.blogspot.com/

Tolong berbelanja sampai pengsan.

Sesungguhnya paling sedih sekali part nikah la. Sedih siud.

Diorang cakap aku macam perempuan joget masa wedding Ain itu hari. HAHAHA

Sumpah penat, tapi sumpah seronok.

Lama gila tak menggelugut dengan sepupu.

Kali ni memang balas dendam sungguh.

Boleh tahan sedih jugak bila mengenangkan Ain dah kahwin.

Nanti dah tak boleh tido sama-sama dah.

Ye la, takkan nak suruh laki dia tido luar, kitorang tido sekatil macam biasa.

Ain berkali-kali ingatkan, "Jangan lupakan aku."

Lepas ni, tak sure siapa punya turn pulak.

Aku rasa Lye.

Cadangnya hujung tahun dia nak bertunang.

Cis. Aku lagi yang kena tinggal.

Oh, ini gambar syok sendiri.

Nanti aku upload banyak banyak gambar lepas kumpulkan semua.

Kan dah terprint screen!

Right after the frustration over Asyraf Muslim's engagement. AHAHA

And this, absolutely made me smile.

Big wide smile. You know I could be miang at all time, aye?

We can be awesome at any age.

It’s not that I’m saying being friends to people younger than me is not good for health. But please, I’m tired of drama. I freaking am an adult. I don’t need drama. Neither do I need that happy ending any sooner. I’m fine with life ups and downs, but no, drama is just for teenagers, who have daddy issues or perhaps, self issues.

I am done with being teenager and clueless, where at one point, I thought it was cool to lay down on the grass and my own puke. I am done with being teenager and emotional, where I locked myself in bathroom, try to cut myself because of my good friends was hooking up with the guy I like.

I gave up all of those because I thought it would be nice if I start to learn how to act like an adult. Okay fine, being an adult may not be as good as it sounds. But you know, the point is, I can’t stand seeing bitchy life which is so nauseating. So people said, certain people might have difficulties in their life, so do I, but it is not a reason for you to affect others for heaven’s sake. If you find life is not promising as you thought it could be, work it that way. Just stop thinking it is going to please you all the way down.

So, if you see me walking away, that’s probably because I don’t want to hear anything about you and your stupid lovers, or you and your stupid life. I am not saying my life is perfect, in fact it is far from that, but you see, the difference between our lives is I don’t go and twist it around to survive.

It is not that cheap, I believe.

I am making my own point, but you perhaps might find it hard to understand, because your mind is thousand years younger than your actual age, which leads to the fact that I don’t think being friends with older people would make me any wiser, looking at certain circumstances.

Some of them just love drama they think they look cute living in one.

And I hate puppy love.

I just realized that I have triangle-shaped lips just as Riz have told me few days ago. And it reads, 'weird'. And not cute.

Okay, so that's random.

I feel like writing. After finishing the whole season 4 of Ugly Betty, again.

You know, I can't remember how does it feel to be in love. Not anymore. I seriously want to experience it again. All I can remember is the butterflies in the stomach and the silly grins. But those apparently are not enough. I forgot about the real feelings of it, the communications, the cute disagreements, the stances, the willingness to consider about another half, and what else I haven't mentioned.

It has been years and I have forgotten almost all about that. When people tell me about their girlfriend or boyfriend, when people update their status about their fiancé or husband or wife, when people celebrating their anniversaries, when people post up their pictures with the loved one, I just sat there, confused. Literally confused for I have failed to remember how good it was to feel that everyday in our life.

It is good to see people around me happy, and a bit jealous because I have yet to feel that, at least not for now. I never blame timing, let alone God, and not even surrounding, but it is certainly overwhelming, and bewildering when people come to me and ask, "Do you have a boyfriend now? No? Girlfriend? No?" It is not yet offensive, but should I be the one to blame for not having a what we called lover?

And this is all happening because something has reminded me about my real age. 24 is no longer an age to act trashy and rebellious. Not really an age to feel okay if you happen to end up being alone. Certainly not an age to feel convinced that one day, there will be a Prince Charming knocking up my door and ask me to marry him.

This is sick. I am not growing up. I instead walking backwards.

I have fallen in love before, but they were all silly crushes and the opposite responses never exist so you know what I mean, it doesn't count. And I feel really stupid for liking certain guys. They got no balls, proven by what they have done.

Merungut tu sama macam kau salahkan Tuhan.

Cepat lambat jodoh kan Tuhan yang tulis. Adatlah kalau nak meminjam dari Tuhan, sabar kena lebih. Makin lambat jodoh kau, makin banyak pahala sabar kau dapat. Rilek sudah.

Ini tak, nak suruh berusaha tu pun susah. Hari hari merungut kau tak ada boyfriend. Setiap kali jumpa kawan, "Weh, carikan aku boyfriend satu!"

Nama kau nak bergerak cari sendiri memang takda.

Memilih dah satu hal lagi. Nak yang handsome, tinggi, badan sasa, bergaya, baik hati, sayang kau lebih dari segalanya bla bla bla.

Tengok diri sendiri dekat cermin sikit pun tak nak.

Susah kalau merungut lagi banyak daripada tindakan.

Kau mandi bunga lah seratus kali pun, kalau setakat duduk tunggu orang meminang, sampai kiamat pun belum tentu ada orang nak. Sedih.

A story of a sociopath.

Hey, there are several things to say.

1. The closer I get to the date I'm going back to my hometown, the happier I get to be. Seriously.

2. Yes, we evolve. But things or people don't really stay. And that's rather sad.

3. I am seriously in need of cash. Boy, I failed as a daughter.

4. Look, I thought I love Twitter. But I actually don't. I no longer know the real function of it.

5. My shitty life is not moving. Everyone else's does. That is the shitty part of it.

6. Bitching is a new way to make friends. Try that, especially if you're a girl who has self issues.

7. Getting older is not funny anymore. Able to do practically everything is scary, dude.

8. I regret moving in together with my cousin. I should have not done that.

9. I am gonna get a cat, a fat cat, in May, for heaven's sake.

10. No, nothing about boys this time. Talking about men all the time makes me feel like a little whore.

Pictures, later. When I am in the mood.

Oh, pretending like things are okay when you know they aren't, sucks, big time. You don't have to be my anything if you don't want to. I am a grown woman, I can stand on my own. I don't need coward bastards to fake a smile, to ask me whether I'm okay or not just to feel good about themselves.

Because you've hurt me, not so long ago, remember?

And trying to make it up to yourself, is cheap. Seriously.

Bukan nak cakap aku ni baik.

Bukan nak cakap aku ni baik.

Tapi kalau tak silap mak bapak aku dah ajar daripada kecik mana yang betul mana yang salah.

Bukan nak cakap aku ni baik.

Tapi bukanlah aku ni bodoh sangat boleh tutup mata sahaja setiap benda yang jadi depan mata.

Bukan nak cakap aku ni baik.

Betul.

Aku memang bukan perempuan baik. Memang sudah sampai tahap langsung tak tau mana nak letak baiknya aku.

Tapi aku tahu bila masa perlu ada rasa hormat, dan bila masa hormat boleh hilang dalam sekelip mata. Tak kisah lah kalau kamu jauh tua, bahkan kalau kamu sepuluh tahun muda dari aku pun, aku tahu bagaimana nak hormat kamu.

Sekian terima kasih. Rasa hormat sudah hilang.

Masuk ni je dah berapa kali hal lu naik dalam blog gua. Kesian kan?

Entah lah, gua rasa pervert dengan desperado macam lebih kurang je function dia.

Okay, housemate gua cantik. Cantik gila masalahnya. Pastu, nama pun housemate, mesti lah saling ada Facebook masing-masing. Satu hari, housemate gua balik kerja,

"Tadi ada kawan kau, dia mesej dekat FB, dia kata macamgini, "Oh, awak kawan Nisa' ke? UIA jugak?" Kawan kau ke?"

Tak pernah ada pun orang yang kenal gua, panggil gua Nisa'. Nisa' pulak tu, kalau Nisa boleh tahan lah lagi. Tak puas hati, gua suruh dia tunjuk siapa. Rupa-rupanya, lelaki ni, jumpa gua baru sekali. Cakap dengan gua pun tak pernah. Lepastu pernah sekali sound gua dekat FB. Patut lah panggil Nisa. Nama gua pun belum tentu dia ingat.

Lepas tu buat-buat nak berkenalan pulak dengan housemate gua.

Buat-buat tanya guna nama gua, macam dah kenal gua dari bersunat lagi.

Cis, terus gua delete lelaki ni.

Gua suspek dia pergi stalk perempuan dekat wall FB gua, pastu jumpa mana berkenan,mesej nak berkenalan.

Sebab gua tengok, dia dengan housemate gua takde mutual friends pun kecuali gua.

Hadoi, nampak murah la situasi begini.

Tak, gua bukan jeles. Gua menyirap. Dulu, dia kutuk gua, tak patut punya padu. Dulu, dia suruh kawan gua kurus dulu kalau nak kapel dengan dia. Dulu, masa gua jumpa dia, gaya dia memang 'Aku lah Hero Malaya tu, korang tak tau ke?'

Sekali kalau gua dapat terajang tengkuk lu, memang lu kenyang seumur hidup la makan pakai straw.