Of Oohs And Aahs

I'm pregnant with words, but no, its not time yet.

2012-01-20T00:42:00.004+08:00

Final assessment, complete.

So now my semester break will be spent with Indonesian (read : The Tarix Jabrix 1, 2, 3 on repeat) and Korean movies, war with kitties, laugh over cekodoks and coffee, and many more.

First of all, life is good.

Yes, its getting better. You know it when you're done with that phase of feeling not enough of everything, you just stopped and boom, all is fine.

I miss Sintok, surprisingly. Weird, but yes, I miss the place. I miss moi sup and my adult friends. Sintok reminds me of something, that I can be all independent without me realizing that I have that capability.

I enjoyed every second I spent in Bandung. Despite bad traffics, I found Bandung's a very peaceful place, and somehow in weird way, calming. Maybe its because of the weather. There's something about it, gonna write it in the next post.

I really hope number 25 will bring me something different this time around. Its hard to believe that I'm reaching that age really but you know, maybe it will change me in certain ways and I'm ready for that.

That's all for today.

Wouldn't it be nice if we can choose what we want, who we want to be in our dream?

Kannnnn?

Siapa boleh tolong jawabkan?

2012-01-18T20:09:00.002+08:00

Kemaruk dah naik level lapan Zuma dah ni.

Ikat dan Warnakan.

2012-01-15T16:10:00.003+08:00

I'm a tie-dye girl.

I can go crazy over tie-dye stuff.

One think that can make me happy,

throw me a tie-dye shirt, dress or even pants, and I'll love you forever.

This is so random. Oh.

Persatuan Mak Cik - Mak Cik Saudara dan Ibu Tua.

2012-01-14T02:56:00.003+08:00

That's Arfan Nadiff. Amzar Nufail and Addin Naufal's little brother. On my left is their mother, Kakak. This photo was taken few weeks ago, during Arfan's cukur jambul ceremony.

And that's the first time I was given full confidence to handle a baby. And yes, he was with me the whole time, even the day before. Now please someone say I can be a mother, please? *kibas kibas bulu mata*

Tetunangan.

2012-01-14T02:31:00.004+08:00

Okay lah since my eyes are still wide open, I'm gonna write a post about engagements. Gonna scram all the photos of three engagements of my super duper best friend, my super duper cousin and my super duper brother. Let's start with my super duper best friend,

Ijat & Daus

December 17th, 2011.

It was the simplest engagement ever, but sweet, of course.

Now its only five months before their wedding (June 16th, 2012), I am super excited.

You looked really gorgeous that day, sayang.

After all you've been through, I see the presence of your future husband, si Tunang Udang,

is Allah's pay for your patience and hopes.

Lye & Lie

January 1st, 2012

These are some of the photos of my super duper cousin, Lye.

I really love her hantarans and the dress, of course.

Also, the simplest and easiest engagement procedure, ever.

The wedding will be on November 10th, this year, a month after my brother's.

I pray for Allah to bless your marriage, love.

Abang & Ijat

December 25th, 2011.

And these are the photos of my brother's engagement, a week before Lye's engagement.

I didn't get to join because I was so busy with final assessment and stuff.

But yes, the solemnization will be on October the twelfth, this year. InsyaAllah.

I pray for your jodoh to last till the end of time, Nyet.

One of the best things.

2012-01-13T19:51:00.001+08:00

Another concrete reason to go to Bandung, again.

A headlight.

2011-12-28T02:24:00.003+08:00

Still don't have time to write updates about Ijat's engagement (malas nak upload gambar sebenarnya), but I am feeling so excited I'm going back to KL tomorrow and prepare for my first trip with best friends to Bandung, I need to write about something.

People, do know this.

Not all can accept us no matter how perfect/good/pretty/fine we think we are.

It's just a rule of nature.

And for that, you might want to change anything you think you're lack of.

But for me, I'll just stay the way I am.

I don't get the idea of following people's idea about us, if you know what I mean.

I just don't.

I mean there's no point making people feel good about me when I don't even feel good about myself.

So it's best to let them with their fucking acceptances, just continue rolling.

Someone, 3 days ago, said something to me. It goes something like this,

"Why don't you put on some makeups, and wear something nice, change the way you look and sure you'll get a boyfriend."

Holy mother of crap.

I believe those guys who don't like me hell because of my appearance, won't change their mind even if I wear makeups like a drag queen. Okay so appearances really matter to some people, but no, I don't want people to like me because the way I dress, because behind the thick layer of my done-face, no one would really see the real me. Cliche, I know. But yeah, cliche is the new rare.

No, just don't change yourself for the sake of the desperation wanting people to see you. It is pathetic. It is fine if people don't like you because the way you look, let alone because of your physical looks, because among them, you'll find people who love you the way you are, you imperfections.

Because nobody is perfect. Like the 'someone' I just mentioned above, sangat cantik, tapi tu lah.

Oh, this is of course not to bad behaviors lah kan. Jangan ingat gua rebel tak menentu hala.

Sneak Peek.

2011-12-19T02:22:00.002+08:00

I just got back from Ipoh.

It was hell of a trip I can't wait to write all about it.

It was like a runaway, awesome runaway.

But now,

I have to finish my 7000 words write-up in 10 days I'm so gonna choke myself up to death.

Congratulations, sayang Ijati Jakuan.

From now on, I'm gonna call you Tunang Kentang because I am bitchy like that.

But yelah, you know I love you.

More photos and update in the next post.

(Suka kan kau ada dua posts pasal kau sorang punya tetunangan kan?)

11 more days to see these girls again! Semangat!

Living on quotes, lately.

2011-12-14T05:00:00.003+08:00

"On hijab, there are much to learn as well, learning how to dress in a better way, learn to motivate myself and others and learn to raise my faith in Allah, and of course learn to be honest in wearing hijab. This is what I am, I am no longer concerned about self-image, it would only shift and distort the intentions, vision and mission on hijab."

Dhatu Rembulan , Street Hijab.

InsyaAllah.

God knows how far this quote moves me especially the last sentence.

Only God knows.

I'm always in need of more casually serious conversations.

2011-12-13T08:42:00.005+08:00

I was chatting with Adik last night early in the morning (how dat, yo?) when suddenly ‘achievement’ popped out in our discussion out of nowhere.

While he said he wants to work hard and save money and enjoy every cent he deserves to spend, I slowly build my own thinking. Well I think everyone thinks like what he is thinking, including me. Who doesn’t want to be rich, you kidding me? But I might want to adjust the word ‘enjoy’ there a little bit.

For me, being rich is one thing, but not everything. I am still fine if I’m not going to be rich for the rest of my life. Not that I am okay with being poor, but you know, I’m fine if I can’t splurge myself with things that are going to cost me fortune. I’m fine with the idea of having enough to live this life just like normal people do. Yes, I just don’t mind not being rich. What I have now, is basically enough.

Of course I get jealous with friends who can get almost everything they want in their life. But no, spending money on something that won’t last a lifetime, that’s just not me. You can ask my friends, I don’t buy expensive things, I don’t eat expensive food, I don’t live a high living standard. Yes, even if I have money to do so.

Clothes that I’m wearing cost me no more than 10 bucks, for heaven’s sake.

I care more about meaning of life. I care more about what I have and others don’t. That sentence sounds really vain, but what I mean is I care about unfortunate people who actually deserve to be happy like me, but they don’t have a chance to feel the same. I care about what is not enough for me, and for them.

Well some people do mock me when I talk about this, but I don’t give a damn because I bet none of them care about simple details in their life while I do acknowledge every tiny little thing happened in my life.

For example, a call for my mother everyday.

Or maybe, an ‘Assalamualaikum’ for a cleaner lady.

Better yet, a smile for everyone I see when I’m on my way to class.

I know not everything matters in our life, but what’s the point living a life if it’s always about us? Being busy looking for something to make a life is important, yes. But why not looking for the sake of doing something to other people around you? And of course, life is not about pleasing others but you’ll get what I mean with the ability to reach self-satisfaction when you do good things for others.

I’m fine with the Adik’s idea just now, don’t get me wrong. But I personally think that I might want to put that idea aside from me myself, and proceed with searching for real meaning of life thing.

I want to do something that is beneficial for me, and also others. I want to give something to people so it can change their life.

I love my life; I want everyone else to feel the same way towards their life, too. And that’s a real achievement. May Allah open a way, InsyaAllah.

Oh yes, I can't wait to go back to KL tomorrow

MY SUPER BEST FRIEND IJATI JAKUAN IS GETTING ENGAGED YEAYYYYYYYYY!

Right when I need it.

2011-12-05T02:06:00.004+08:00

"Berimanlah walaupun kita tahu itu susah terjadi, karena dalam hati kita punya sepotong kecil harapan bahwa suatu hari nanti itu akan terjadi."

Arlanda Ghazali Langitan, one of The Changcuters guitarists

Because I really think that life is based on belief you have in yourself,

as well as faith you have in the Person up there.

"...be brave, funny and creative; to be more than just a shell."

Gabrielle Solis, one of the characters in Desperate Housewives

Because I really think that it is okay if no one notices you,

as long as you realize that it is actually what makes you stand out.

These two quotes came in right when I need it.

One right after I followed him on Twitter.

Another one when I was finishing my subtitle translation.

Right when I'm searching for the real connection to prove that life has two sides.

One that is already inside you.

Another one is for you to look out.

Both shoes.

2011-12-04T05:36:00.003+08:00

You know what's sad?

There are real things out there,

and you're still stuck with yourself,

you're not enjoying anything,

you're basically not moving.

When someone called and told you about things in their life that are constantly changing, about their ongoing plans and dreams that they have, and you went silent like a stone because you have nothing to talk about.

It is hard to stop them especially when you know that they really need someone to channel their excitement and their happiness to and you don't have a heart to tell them that they failed to make you feel it.

But yeah.

There's always God to talk to.

I have one.

and He is the only One.

Because this One listens. He listens hard.

Jadi begini, Tuhan...

Because I don't have a planner, that's why.

2011-12-03T01:55:00.003+08:00

07/12 - Ayah's appointment (HBSA, JB)

17/12 - Ijat's Engagement

24/12 - Presentation : Sociolinguistics

Seminar Reading (Language Attitude)

Seminar Design (One week earlier)

25/12 - Abang's Engagement / Shazzy's Engagement

28/12 - Submission : Research Methodology;

Full Proposal

Final Assessment (Article Critic)

Additional Assessment

29/12 - Submission : Sociolinguistics

Final Assessment (Literature Review)

30/12 - Penang

31/12 - KL

1/1 - Lye's Engagement

24/1 - Anna's first daughter

27/1 - Kakak Awai's Wedding

Well, important dates are important dates.

I can hate you like no one else could.

2011-12-01T04:44:00.003+08:00

I really hate it when certain memories come kicking back in.

Especially the ones I always refused to remember.

I know times like this will come around every once in awhile, but you know,

there's really no point.

Because its never gonna change anything.

For you (who shall not be named), I'm fine with you coming back just to check whether I've changed or still like I used to be, a hard headed pathetic young lady. But just so you know, coming back here now means it is you who can't stand not knowing anything about me at all.

So yes, my pleasure.

Through thick and (very) thin.

2011-12-01T04:34:00.001+08:00

Yang ada hanya mimpi.

Keluh.

Yes, because I'm bored like that.

2011-11-29T03:57:00.002+08:00

Got this from somewhere somewhere, so let's see.

My personality:

· I’m loud.

· I’m obnoxious.

· I’m sarcastic.

· I’m cocky.

· I cry easily.

· I have a bad temper.

· For the most part I don’t like people.

· I’m easy to get along with.

· I have more enemies than friends.

· I’ve smoked weed.

· I drink coffee.

· I clean my room daily.

My appearance:

· I wear makeup. 

· I wear a piece of jewelery at all times.

· I wear contacts.

· I wear glasses.

· I change my hair colour often.

· I straighten my hair often.

· I have a piercing.

Relationships:

· I’m in a relationship now.

· I’m forever alone :L

· I have a crush

· I’m always scared of being hurt.

· An ex has physically abused me at least once.

· I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.

· I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

· I’ve been in love more than two times.

· I believe in love at first sight.

· I believe lust is more important than love.

Friendships:

· I have at least five friends.

· I’ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend.

· I’ve beaten up a friend.

· I’ve been in a serious fight with a friend.

· I can trust at least five people with my life.

Experiences:

· I’ve been on a plane.

· I’ve been on a train.

· Someone close to me has died.

· I’ve taken a taxi.

· I’ve taken a city bus.

· I’ve taken a school bus.

· I’ve gone bungee jumping.

· I’ve made a speech.

· I’ve been in some sort of club.

· I’ve won an award.

· I’ve spent 24 hours on the computer straight.

· I’ve been in a physical fight.

Music:

· I listen to R&B.

· I listen to country.

· I listen to pop.

· I listen to techno.

· I listen to rock.

· I’m one of those people who play songs repeatedy until I hate it.

· I hate the radio.

· I love music

· I download music.

· I buy CD’s.

Television:

· I spend at least six hours a day watching television.

· I watch soap operas daily.

· I’m in love with Days Of Our Lives.

· I’ve seen and liked the O.C.

· I’ve seen and liked One Tree Hill.

· I’ve seen and like Americas Next Top Model

· I’ve seen and like Popular.

· I’ve seen and like 24.

· I’ve seen and liked CSI.

· I’ve seen and like Everwood.

Family Life:

· I get along with both of my parents.

· My biological parents are still together.

· I have at least one brother.

· I have at least one sister.

· I have at least one step brother/sister.

· I have at least one half brother/sister.

· I’ve been kicked out of the house.

· I’ve sworn at my parents.

· I’ve made my parents cry.

· I’ve lied to my parents.

· I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.

· I’ve lied to my parents about what I’m doing.

· I’ve lied to my parents so I’d be allowed out.

· I’ve been grounded.

· I’ve walked out while grounded.

Hair:

· I’ve been brown.

· I’ve had streaks.

· I’ve cut my hair in the past year.

· I’ve dyed my hair in the past year.

· I’ve been blonde.

· I have black.

· I’ve been red.

· I’ve been light brown.

· I’ve been blue/green.

· I’ve gotten my hair thinned.

· I use conditioner.

· I’ve used silk therapy.

· I’ve used hot oil treatments.

· I’ve curled my hair.

· I’ve straightened my hair.

· I’ve ironed my hair.

· I’ve plaited my hair.

School:

· I’ve yelled at a teacher.

· I’ve been suspended.

· I’ve had an in-school suspension.

· I’ve been sent to the principals office.

· I’ve walked out of class.

· I’ve skipped an entire day of school.

· I’ve skipped a whole class for a month.

· I’ve failed a test.

· I’ve cheated on a test.

· I’ve helped someone else cheat on a test.

· I’ve failed Art.

· I’ve failed P.E.

· I’ve failed Math.

· I’ve failed another class.

· A teacher has called my parents.

Pecel Ayam menangis.

2011-11-26T01:37:00.005+08:00

By the way,

God knows how much I miss Wong Jowo right now.

And how I miss,

"Hoi, pedas gilaaaa."

"Mana ada pedas weh, tak pedas langsung."

and,

"Nak makan mana hari ni, semalam dah makan Wong Jowo."

"Kita makan Wong Jowo lah, nak?"

Well, seems like I'm bored already with those walking machines.

2011-11-25T23:06:00.003+08:00

I secretly don't believe in matchmaking.

Yes, that just came out of nowhere.

But I don't want to talk about that today.

Or maybe I don't want to talk about that anymore. We'll see how.

The idea of waiting for love to come is just a crap now.

I'm sick of repeating the same thing, to the same people that I disgust myself to the core.

So yes, today's rambling is about comfort circle.

You know that sometimes when you see someone, let's say someone you know,

is doing fine, still able to laugh, looks happy enough,

you feel happy too you tend to overdo it,

ended up you making it as medium to feel good about yourself.

And the stupidest thing about that is,

we never realize.

Seriously, never.

Oh ya, congratulations to Kak Faiz and Abang Hairi on their engagement last Sunday. A step to beautiful marriage with bless. InsyaAllah. Amin.

Lagi apaan? Lagi mengDipa.

2011-11-21T16:08:00.002+08:00

Like I said, people only feel it is desperately necessary to pick up what’s left right after they realized how stupid they were for letting things torn apart. I mean, come on, don’t you think it is useless? I know people make mistakes, but it is a matter of you knowing what you’re doing, or you simply don’t. Then it is appropriate to label you stupid. You should know that.

I’m not criticizing anyone, but really, gila talak is so irritating. This happened so many times in front of my eyes, obviously didn’t happen to me, but yes, I’ve been witnessing this kind of thing for a long time.

If you’ve decided to leave someone, coming back is just a waste of time. Because when it happens for the second, third, fourth time, it is no longer special, and it’s gonna leave a huge scar to both of you, if you know what I mean.

I have not yet lost my faith in relationship, no. But you know; only short-minded people think breaking up and getting back like it is normal, normal. If you think you’re gonna break up with your partner eventually, don’t start. Don’t play with your own feelings, because it’s going to numb eventually.

And yes, I’m not being defensive, but if you take a little time just to think about it, you surely will realize leaving your partner and believing you can get back to him/her just like that just make you an arrogant but stupid person. And worthless.

On the other hand, I have a huge crush on Dipa Changcut. Why, because he plays bass, and has a super straight face. Plus point, he wears braces. Hoi lah kiutnyew.

It’s all about looks when you have a crush on celebrity. Never an inner self takes place. Haih la kau cakap orang, kau pun sama je Syapaaaaaa.

On distance.

2011-11-19T19:46:00.004+08:00

Weh, I miss everything about Kuala Lumpur and Batu Pahat, but I've found peace here in Sintok. Seriously, this is the right place for people like me.

You know, this is the perfect place to care nothing about other people except you yourself. I only know few people here except my classmates, but we don't meet often. That's good, because there's still distance.

It is good to be away from everything sometimes, as long as I keep in touch with important contacts. Not that I'm hiding from anything, but you know at certain times, all you want is space. I know that I'll get bored with this place eventually, but to face 2012, maybe its best if I just stay here and complete my studies. There's too much to face by that time, and I'm not even ready now.

About food, I'll deal with it. There's always something to eat, and to whine, I must stop.

Nah, I don't miss KL actually, I just miss my friends who live there.

Occasional random facts. Again.

2011-11-14T19:50:00.007+08:00

People say they know about themselves, I beg to differ. Because we only realize about ourselves when there are occurrences of particular event or stuff happen, only then we know who we really are. I do know about my own interest, but I just realize about small details about myself when something happen, or something said to me, for example, my mum said the other day, that she's one type of person who's so stubborn, no one can object her decision about marrying my dad, I know that I'm just like her. That stubborn part of course. And many more.

Others usually hate black cats, I am actually obsessed with them.

I don't really fancy desserts, I'm all fine with main course.

You can never see me in sandals. I always opt for sneakers or pumps.

I get turn on easily with guys who just got back from work, wearing formal attire.

And those who wear black leather watch.

And those who have strong jaw.

I hate beards. All kinds of beards if there's any.

I love guys who read/write poems. I think they are hot.

Always moved by Indonesian Literature.

I'd like to have more friends who study abroad.

I am addicted to Facebook. I really have no life. Really.

I do have one regret that I really can't draw.

And dance, now. I used to be a dancer when I was a kid. A Javanese dancer. Alahai.

Yes, that's all for this time. Wait for the next sudden 'self-realization'.

Oh, I'd like to congratulate a dear friend of mine, Puan Wani and her husband, on her beautiful wedding almost a week ago. Even though I wasn't there to celebrate, I already stalked all the photos, and watched the video on her Facebook profile, and I knew it was super magical.

May Allah bless your marriage, love. May your future family reach the state of mawaddah, sakinah and warahmah. InsyaAllah amin.

The Twitter Series.

2011-11-14T06:46:00.004+08:00

The thing is, I'm getting bored with Twitter. Why? There's just too much unnecessary tweets from those people. I just don't want to cause any misunderstanding, so I don't delete them la because they are my friends nanti cakap "Syapa bajet bagus" pulak.

But truthfully, no one wants to see your tweets every 2 seconds.

I tweet about stupid things too, but no, not every 2 second.

And I do tags reply with friends, but not constantly, and not all can see the tweets.

So last few days Hafidz taught me how to hide those people's tweets without them knowing it. I think its very the very brilliant I don't have to see those tweets particularly about those curahan hati , kutuk mengutuk , and other stupid things. Double bluergh.

You can use Slipstream too if you're facing the same problem like mine. But only if you use web browser. This can't be applied to those smartphone users.

And now, I am in love with Twitter again.

And if you're on Twitter too and following me obviously, you can always Slipstream me if you think I tweet too much. No hard feelings.

More kahwins

2011-11-09T12:50:00.003+08:00

On the bright side, everyone deserves a happy ending.

Everything becomes so clear right now, clear as in everything runs smoothly as far as I am concerned.

Last few days, during Raya Haji celebration, my family and I went to my brother's future fiancee's house for 'merisik' things. Everything went well, Alhamdulillah, they are getting engaged soon.

On the same day, my cousin Lye experienced the same thing too, her future fiance and his family came to her house, also for 'merisik' thingy. And they are getting engaged too, right after my brother's engagement.

On the same day, my super best friend received a news. A good one obviously, I just can't reveal it now, because its supposed to be a secret, but I wanted to do a little teaser, but yes, gonna reveal it as soon as it is confirmed.

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah ya Allah.

And more marriages coming along this next few days, and next year.

It would be Wani's, Nadal's, Fatin's, Awai's and insyaAllah lots more.

Marriage is a major part of religion, I am glad these people I love are moving towards completing the half part of our religion. May their marriage be blessed, may their future family become sakinah, mawaddah and warahmah. InsyaAllah.

Kahwin itu mengingatkan aku tentang manusia dan keikhlasannya, ikhlasnya melawan zina, ikhlasnya menerima tanggungan, ikhlasnya meneruskan cinta, dan ikhlasnya menjunjung kedewasaan. InsyaAllah.

Still not moving on.

2011-11-07T04:01:00.005+08:00

I know life can be so hard at times. Especially when you have to face it all by yourself.

Admit it,

though you have more than enough people having your back,

you still have to face certain things alone.

When it comes to this part, I really hate myself, because all I could think off is how lonely I am at the moment. No matter how big or small the 'issue' related to that, you (at least I myself) still think your own hands are the best to keep your own heart in.

I don't know.

I share stuff with people. But I never let all out.

And the ones that I am keeping are basically the hardest.

And when I'm stuck with the hardest, I tend to feel

"My God, I'm all alone, no one knows how hard it is to face it alone and yada yada..."

Yeah y'all know I have issues with myself.

Its almost 2012, and I still don't know how to control my own feelings.

Stupid dum dum.

Post-related-notes :

I know everyone is getting married by next year, when I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE.

But please, stop asking me questions like when will I get a boyfriend, when is my turn to get married because you know, it won't help. And when I reply with stupid answers, don't go

"Awh, your time will come, you just have to wait patiently or you should stop being picky or you should try internet dating or bla bla..." and whatevershit, because its not funny anymore.

I don't have a choice. Please. Just stop hurting my feelings.

Non-related-notes:

I still think Beto Kusyairi is pretty damn hot with his straight face. Like gila.

Perfect 24. Perhatikan tudung aku macam Dr Saodah, Lecturer IRK.

2011-10-30T19:03:00.007+08:00

Perfectly content.

Perfect friends.

Perfect birthday gift, ever.

It was a beautiful surprise birthday dinner.

It was really beautiful. I don't have any other words except that.

Because when you have super awesome best friends,

and the only thing they want to do is to make you really happy,

the life at one point seems really enough.

I'm glad I stick to them, because they, in a way, have promised me to stick around.

Thank you very much. I just love you all to death.

Pemikiran yang singkat menjejaskan kualiti. Seriously.

2011-10-25T02:24:00.003+08:00

I don't connect with everyone.

It is a fact.

Not because I have my own standard, no.

But because I couldn't stand people who are narrow-minded, who only think about what is best for now instead of the future, and who believe their own kind is superior. Regardless their level of education, because sometimes, the wiser a person is, the stupidest he/she can really be.

Not to say that I am good enough, but at least I don't go argue with people about something that I know is wrong. Because one, it is pathetic and two, it is useless.

Bukan masalah kau bodoh atau pandai, tapi bila bercakap guna otak.

This world is getting older.

2011-10-17T02:04:00.006+08:00

Even though I live in this remote place, I do see things on the news (read: through Facebook).

So yes, I am anti-violence. I think every sane human being shares the same belief as mine.

I saw so many violent things on Facebook nowadays, and that, frustrate me to the core.

Countless number of crime, like animal abuse, infant sodomy, what else?

Don't let me start with war and all that.

People are getting creepier day by day, values of morality getting thinner and what is left for the world if things like this happen caused by us?

The sickest thing about this is,

none of us really can predict how sick a human being could be.

It is always surprising, not in a good way of course.

And that scares me to hell.

I normally would just back off, kot? Why waste time?

2011-10-15T07:32:00.010+08:00

Some people just never get the hint.

So that's the problem.

We live in a community that base everything in hidden meaning. Good thing about that, we can always save our own ass. Bad thing about that, people often fail to get the hint.

Some people (refer above) need to be told when to realize the real meaning of one's saying, or even action. It is not that hard, really. You're not that dumb to realize when people are not comfortable with you. And note this, there's always a reason. Don't be so frustrated and say, "Oh he/she hates me, I don't know why," or "I don't know, he/she seems not really comfortable with me, I wonder why," and stuff like that because that is so yes, annoying. You're supposed to know why people distant themselves from you. Please. If you still don't have a clue, then ask the fug out. I never respect bimbos, since forever.

Pity.

Pemakanan yang sihat seminggu dari sekarang!

2011-10-13T06:31:00.003+08:00

Gua teruja gila.

Pergi kelas. Buat muka kesian.

"Dr, are we going to have class on Deepavali?

And when is our first quiz?"

Bila soalan tu keluar, gua dah macam, "Berdegup jantungku, mendengarkan namamu, ah ah."

"No, unless you wanna have class since none of us gonna celebrate..."

"Dr, noooooooooooooo..." (Ni gua yang jawab, dengan mata bersinar-sinar.)

"So okay, and you're going to have your first quiz right after mid semester break."

Dengan ini, gua mengisytiharkan cuti panjang yang gua buat sendiri bermula dari 19 Oktober sampai 27 Oktober. Kemudian cuti lagi mid semester break 4 November sampai 11 November. Setim gila cuti banyak cenggini.

Balik KL, gua nak;

1. Makan sampai miskin.

2. Gelak dengan kawan-kawan.

3. Pergi UIA punya library. Belajar Sociolinguistics sebab quiz Dr Chua sayang on the 29th.

4. Main lasertag dengan sepupu sepapat.

5. Pergi konvo adik kecil.

6. Makan lagi.

7. Sebenarnya tujuan gua balik adalah untuk makan puas-puas. So yes, makan lagi.

Sumpah tak sabar nak makan.

Rasa nak kemas baju sekarang.

Of colors and accessories.

2011-10-13T05:49:00.002+08:00

I am super inspired by Indonesian weddings.

Seriously.

Super serious.

Pesan untuk Khairunnisa.

2011-10-12T05:10:00.003+08:00

Khairunnisa,

ada pesan untuk kamu sebelum aku terlupa.

Semoga dengan pesan ini, kamu ingat letak duduk kamu sebagai seorang Khairunnisa.

1. Jangan lakukan kebaikan seumpama untuk kamu lepaskan manfaat ke atas diri sendiri sahaja. Buatlah kebaikan ke jalan Allah, dan juga untuk manfaat manusia-manusia lain. Kebaikan itu tidak pernah terbatas, asal kamu tahu setiap satu nilainya.

2. Jika tiba-tiba kamu menjadi seorang pelupa dan kembali ke kamu yang dulu, maka ingatlah Tuhan sedang turunkan ujian kepada kamu untuk lihat sama ada ikhlas kamu itu benar-benar dari hati atau tidak.

3. Setiap kali dirundung malang atau ketidaksenangan, maka percayalah setiap sabar itu besar manfaatnya. Terlalu banyak yang telah dikurniakan ke atas kamu hinggakan memang tiada ruang untuk kamu memberontak meletakkan salah ke atas suatu yang lain.

4. Percaya kepada setiap takdir yang telah ditentukan untuk kamu. Setiap nafas kamu adalah takdir, setiap gerak hati kamu adalah takdir, setiap langkah kamu adalah takdir. Dari situ, bentuklah setiap takdir itu supaya menjadi sebuah kebaikan kepada diri kamu sendiri.

5. Jaga hubungan sesama manusia. Jangan nilai di atas keburukan mereka apalagi menilai niat mereka. Sesungguhnya kamu sudah pasti tidak mahu diperlakukan yang sama. InsyaAllah kamu sama-sama dapat berkongsi kebaikan yang ada dalam diri mereka.

Jangan sekali-kali zalim dengan diri sendiri, sedangkan Allah pun sayangkan kamu, lalu Dia bukakan mata. InsyaAllah, ingat tu Khairunnisa. Maka bersiap-siaplah kamu daripada sekarang.

Life : Balance, balance, balance

2011-10-07T05:32:00.003+08:00

Try to see what you're lack of is actually better for someone else, more than for you yourself.

And then, try to see what you're lack of, is actually what you're never lack of.

If you think what I said above makes every single sense,

then I believe that I am on the right track. InsyaAllah.

But if you don't, correct me.

Thank you for being very understanding.

Lapar

2011-10-06T00:00:00.003+08:00

Nonetheless, I am really really glad that there's always a positive vibe around me. It is good to know that I am somehow at my calmest. (Yes, no?)

The only thing that bugs me right now is, I never get satisfied with my eating here. I am a person who loves to eat. I'd rather eat and look fat, than go on diet and still don't lose weight. And I'd rather spend my money on good food, than buying expensive clothes. Yes, I am that person.

And living in this rural-est area, makes my tummy sad. It is not that hard to find food, but it is hard to find good food. I don't think people would love to stay here, one, because of the place, yes lame, but I don't mind that. Two, because of the food. Unless you're skinny model who doesn't care about food and loves to throw up in a toilet bowl, and plus, does not really care about entertainment, you'll suit here.

I eat proper food twice a week, proper here means rice and all that. Nasi ayam or nasi kerabu. Only those two. I'll buy them at the nearest cafe, and eat it in my room. Except when the girls ask me to join dinner. But most of the time, I'll eat Maggi, or crackers, or bread with tuna, because I just simply can't accept the food here.

And you should know that I cried after every conversation over the phone with my mum.

One, because I am gedik like that.

Two, because talking to her reminds me about her cooking.

And now, I am gonna cry again.

And my tummy is gonna cry too.

My brother said, "Tu ujian la tu, selama ni Tuhan bagi kau makan sedap sedap, sekarang dia nak tengok pulak kau cemana bila makan tak sedap."

Lady Sk said, "InsyaAllah ada hikmahnya nanti."

And Puan Shikin said, "Makan la, jangan bagi ibu susah hati."

Ya Allah, why of all things, this small issue of food is the hardest?

Help me, Allah.

Sounds ungrateful, aye?

I know.

And no, I don't want to get skinnier. I just want nasik, for God's sake.

You are as ugly as how you often joke about that to make us go, "No, you're not!". But yes, no need to joke, you're damn ugly.

2011-10-04T05:43:00.011+08:00

This is what I said to my girl earlier today,

"Everyone is allowed to have weaknesses, but to make other people upset, is not one of those. Should be a difference there."

And above is about a guy, who we all thought was a really good man, I mean a really really good man, but as usual, immaturity bites like a little, yes.

So yeah, I believe what I believe is true.

You can be ugly, you can be lack of everything, but don't hurt other people in any possible way you could think of. Because it is not only making you uglier, it makes you hideous.

Especially when it comes to feelings-related stuff. Because that is when heart draws a line, and no one could ever go back and just scrap the shits done. Never.

No one wants to be hurt. Even you. So don't think of hurting other people because shit ain't go nowhere but to be rubbed back in your face.

Because life is always cruel like that.

And girl, when life gives you lemon, share it with others, don't eat it all, alright? And I am always yours.

This is also going to be a note to self. I apologize if I've ever done wrong that might hurt you people. I am truly sorry. Truly sorry.

Entri paling panjang untuk buat mereka-mereka bosan.

2011-10-01T22:50:00.008+08:00

Setiap apa yang kurang itu sudah mencukupi sebenarnya.

Dan setiap rasa yang kosong itu sudah memenuhi sebenarnya.

Bendalah ni yang buat aku berfikir panjang dua tiga hari ini.

Benda ni juga lah yang pernah buat hidup aku santak tak lama dulu.

Hati resah asyik meruntun segala apa yang tidak cukup.

Contohnya,

Duit takde nak beli itu ini, orang lain bergaya dengan barang mahal-mahal.

Kekasih pun takde orang keliling berkepit, aku sorang-sorang layan kehidupan sendiri.

Itulah yang selalu aku rungutkan. Betul. Siapa yang baca blog aku dari mula wujudnya, harus dah arif sangat tentang benda ini. Menggelabah gila.

Lantas itulah perkara-perkara yang aku kesali dalam hidup.

Padahal rezeki tak pernah putus, kasih sayang tak pernah tak cukup.

Bak kata orang, manusia, biasalah. Lebih bagaimanapun, mesti ada yang kurang. Hati memang tak pernah nak puas.

Tapi,

Tuhan itu kan adil. Mulanya memang susah nak nampak, tapi perlahan-lahan bila semua usaha, semua benda Tuhan mudahkan, aku terdiam sendiri.

Sikit masa dulu, Ijat pernah tegur aku, aku seorang yang liberal. Tahu setiap satu itu wujud atas nikmat Tuhan, tapi masih nak mencari logik.

Tak faham? Contohnya macam ini,

nak bayar registration fee, kena susah payah kumpul duit, risau duit tak cukup. Tiba-tiba datang durian runtuh yang tak diduga, contohnya deposit sewa rumah dulu-dulu dipulangkan lah, duit ini masuk lah, duit itu masuk lah. Tak payah usaha pun, dapat duit.

Kalau aku, aku fikir logik dulu, duit ni datang mesti ada sebab dia contohnya, sebelum fikir semua tu nikmat Tuhan. Betul. Aku tak tipu. Teruk kan? Perangai aku memang dahsyat.

Tapi, makin lama, makin aku sedar, semua kemudahan yang sampai tanpa perlu usaha itu, datangnya dari mana kalau bukan laluannya Tuhan?

Makanya Tuhan pasti menolong kalau aku percaya setiap usaha yang aku bakal kerjakan itu semua menuju ke arah Dia. Lalu aku adjust sedikit demi sedikit, tukar niat setiap usaha tu. Alhamdulillah, setiap satu usaha aku sekarang ini, semuanya dibantu Tuhan. Jangan kata usaha besar, yang kecil-kecil pun Tuhan tolong.

Macam itu hari contohnya, semua orang tahu jarak hostel aku nak ke kampus agak jauh kena naik bas, jadi dah naik bas kena turun dekat DKG (Dewan Kuliah Gugusan, ye, memang lame nama diorang) kena berjalan jauh lagi. Hari tu cuaca mendungnya minta ampun, aku risau, payung cantik tertinggal dekat rumah Ijat so memang takde payung, tapi setitik pun tak tumpah, padahal jauh berjalan ni, dan sabik sampai kelas hujan turun punyalah lebat, habis kelas, dah tak hujan. Maka senanglah kerja aku.

Ya, setengah orang cakap itu nasib baik, tapi kan nasib baik itu datang dari Allah juga.

Itu ceritanya, tetapi, yang buat aku terfikir, dulu walaupun aku tak pakai tudung, walaupun aku tak sembahyang, tapi hati aku baik (aku yakin), aku tak minum arak, aku tak berzina, tapi kenapa Tuhan tak tolong? Kenapa semuanya susah? Kenapa hati tak tenang? Kenapa orang lain biasa je?

Aku malu nak tanya, sebab memang nampak sangat bodoh kalau aku tak tahu jawapan.

Tetapi sekarang Alhamdulillah Tuhan buka jalan, sekaligus buka mata supaya aku tahu kenapa hidup yang dulu senang tapi hati tak tenang berbanding hari ini, senang atau susah, hati insyaAllah tenang.

Aku tetap bersyukur walaupun bakalan ada orang yang meragui adakah jalan yang dibuka untuk aku itu boleh dikira atau tidak. Lagi-lagi bab tutup aurat ni.

Kalau nak kira sepuluh kali dah aku pakai buka tudung. Dulu aku pakai tudung, lepastu buka, lepastu pakai sekali lagi, lepas itu buka lagi. Jadi aku malu nak pakai tudung lagi, sampai aku cakap,

"Nak pakai tudung lepas kahwin je!"

(Ayahku, maafkan anakmu sebab ada niat yang tidak adil untuk ayahku, sebab anakmu biarkan ayahku tanggung dosa anakmu, tetapi anakmu ini mahu menyimpan dosa itu dari ditanggung sang suami.)

Melampau.

Tetapi sampai masa, aku rasa memang sengaja Tuhan tunjuk. Mula dengan kepergian Ijat ke Makkah. Balik dari umrah, beliau tukar 100%. Alhamdulillah. Perlahan-lahan aku dah terasa sendiri. Kemudian seorang demi seorang pergi ke Makkah dan pulang dengan wajah baru.

Timbul pula niat, "Aku nak pergi Makkah, mesti dekat sana dapat hidayah."

Namun kita kan manusia, mana boleh bohong hati. Hati jadi sayu bila baca kisah penghijrahan orang. Jadi aku kuatkan hati, satu hari, sarung tudung terus, dan Alhamdulillah lekat hingga hari ini.

Aku simpulkan bahawa Tuhan buka jalan melalui orang-orang sekeliling, dan aku tak mahu sombong untuk terus menidakkan hidayah itu. Mungkin bukan bagi orang lain, tetapi sekali lagi, urusan antara kau dengan Tuhan, kau saja yang tahu rasanya bagaimana.

Masih terlalu awal untuk katakan yang aku akan terus berhijab sampai habis nafas. Sebab perkara-perkara ini sudah jadi sebelum ini. Yakin berhijab, tetapi sudahnya aku buka.

Tapi kali ini, lain sungguh rasanya. Susah aku nak cakap. Sebab bukan rasa nak pakai hijab saja yang ada. Banyak yang lain juga. Solat dah pasti salah satu. Kalau dulu, punyalah susah nak bersolat. Asyik salahkan syaitan yang bergayut, nama nak buat, memang tak ada, tapi Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah Ya Allah, senangnya jalan, senangnya hati Tuhan buka untuk ambil wudhu', sarung telekung dan mula sujud padaNya. InsyaAllah, semoga Tuhan bimbing aku dari tergelincir dari landasan yang sepatutnya. Dan kamu kamu juga. Bersama-samalah kita.

Oh ya, dan semoga setiap satu yang kita kerjakan, jadikan tujuan utamanya adalah untuk Tuhan. InsyaAllah barakah itu ada di mana-mana.

Okay, dah cukup panjang.

Niat aku bukan nak berdakwah, jauh sekali memandai-mandai membetulkan salah orang sedangkan aku sendiri pun bersepah. Niat aku cuma mahu kita sama-sama fikirkan, perasaan yang kita ini sebenarnya dimiliki Tuhan itu memang dah ada, cuma kena cari saja. Aku masih lagi berlari-lari mencari, aku harap ada yang sudi berlari sama. InsyaAllah tidak akan rugi apa-apa.

Jangan salah anggap aku sudah jadi perempuan alim tak tentu hala. Aku masih banyak khilaf. Aku masih Syafa yang sama, yang masih lagi gelak kuat-kuat, mencarut pun boleh tahan, rokok pun masih payah nak berhenti, tak lancar mengaji Al-Quran, belum khatam cara menutup aurat yang sebetulnya, dan sebagainya.

Aku masih belajar. Jadi kalau ada salah dimana-mana, aku mungkin sedar, mungkin tidak sedar, maka tolong betulkan.

Sekali lagi, mungkin kebelakangan ini, semuanya berbaur dakwah, percayalah, aku bukan nak memandai-mandai, sekadar beritahu apa yang aku rasa.

Wallahualam.

Rindu semua kawan-kawan di dunia.

2011-09-30T16:33:00.002+08:00

Biarlah kawan kau dalam dunia ini boleh dikira dengan jari saja jumlahnya, sebab yang boleh dikira dengan jari itu lah yang nampak semua istimewanya diri kau.

Bagi aku, sahabat sejati adalah sahabat yang mengambil semua baik rakannya, dan menerima serta cuba mengubah buruknya.

Namun ada juga jenis yang nampak sekali buruknya, yang baiknya ditolak juga. Memang ada, tidak aku nafikan, mungkin untuk menjaga diri sendiri, takut terpengaruh atau sebagainya.

Tetapi, jangan lah dipandang hina mereka yang buruk itu, kerana tidaklah bermakna memandang hina suatu keburukan itu akan menambah tingkat kebaikan kita.

Betul ke tidak?

Aku bercakap dari pengalaman, sebab aku dah jumpa bermacam jenis kawan. Tidak, jangan kira ikhlas orang berkawan dengan kita, bukan maksud aku macam itu, tetapi ada satu-satu masa kau mesti boleh lihat mana arah tuju persahabatan kau. Dan mana yang diredhai Tuhan, maka yang itulah yang kekal.

Banyaknya kegagalan persahabatan itu datang dari aku juga. Jangan ada yang melenting cakap aku menuduh tak tentu hala pula.

Jadi, titik pendapat aku di sini, apabila berkawan, kau kena bijak untuk lihat mana satu nilai persahabatan kau dengan kawan kau, yang mana elok kau simpan, yang mana tak elok, perlahan-lahan kau bantu ubah. Tetapi beri masa. Jangan kau paksa. Sebab kita semuanya tak sama.

Aku ada ramai kawan yang bersepah perangainya, tetapi aku simpan juga kerana aku tahu nilai baiknya tetap ada.

Dan aku juga ada ramai kawan yang menyimpan aku atas dasar yang sama.

Jadi begitulah, jangan buang kawan-kawan yang kau lihat sikit buruknya, terus kau tolak ketepi. Tapi jangan lupa juga pesan Puan Shikin, "Berkawan jangan sampai dipijak kepala. Kan bodoh kalau merugikan diri sendiri?"

Oh ya, beri dulu, baru minta.

2011-09-27T02:35:00.004+08:00

Berbual dengan dua orang manusia sebentar tadi buat aku fikir satu benda.

Dekat mana lagi nak mintak tolong kalau bukan dekat Allah. Kata lah kita berdikari berpijak atas kaki sendiri macamana pun. Bila diri susah, hati tak tetap letak tenangnya, memang tak ada pendengar yang sudi mendengar selain Tuhan kita.

Bukan aku nak pesongkan fikiran sesiapa, tapi aku contohnya, satu masa dulu (dan mungkin masih lagi sekarang ini) bukanlah tergolong dalam kumpulan manusia yang takut berbuat dosa, malah pernah satu masa aku bangga. Jadi ada cara apa lain lagi, selain dari berbuat dosa dan paksa diri nilai balik apa dosa itu berbaloi untuk aku buat sekali lagi, atau lebih baik patah balik ke awal jalan?

Aku pilih yang kedua, semoga Tuhan terima apa yang aku unjukkan, dan tetapkan hati dalam pilihan yang aku lakukan.

Nah, itu aku. Aku tak sarankan pada siapa-siapa.

Tetapi bila satu kali jatuh, kau diam. Dua kali jatuh, kau bangkit senyum semula seperti tak ada apa-apa. Tiga kali jatuh, kau mula salahkan semua di depan mata.

Nama nak tanya Yang Di Atas Sana, tak ada.

Tak boleh macam itu, manusia. Memang tak akan datang selonggok keuntungan/kegembiraan/kejayaan depan mata kau begitu saja, memang tak akan ada.

Tuhan itu adil, Dia beri, untuk lihat berapa banyak yang kau sudi pulang balik. Dia ambil, untuk lihat berapa banyak ukuran redha kau atas setiap satu susah, setiap satu hampa, setiap satu kecewa.

Memang susah nak cakap, hati kita tak sama. Aku tak boleh kongsi tenang aku atas tikar sejadah yang aku hanya kenal baru-baru ni. Aku tak boleh kongsi rasa bahagia aku bila mak bapak aku sujud syukur selepas tunggu 24 tahun baru aku nak terhegeh-hegeh buat semua.

Tapi kau patut boleh rasa, bila setiap bahagia yang Tuhan nikmatkan dekat kau itu, walaupun sekejap, ada maknanya. Ada maksudnya. Dan kau juga boleh rasa, atas susah yang Tuhan cuitkan pada kau itu, banyak kegunaannya esok lusa.

Apa yang aku nak cakap sebenarnya, adalah belajar meminta. Dan jangan meminta saja, cuba beri sama. Tuhan tak pernah dan tak akan lokek, walaupun sedikit yang kau bagi balik, Dia kata, "tak apa, tak ada masalah, Aku beri lebih."

Contoh? Senang saja, nafas yang kau hirup setiap saat itu kira nikmat besar dari Dia. Nafas yang kau hirup tak payah dibantu dengan apa-apa bantuan. Kalau nak kira, eh memang tak terkira, berapa ramai yang kalau nak bernafas sampai meminta tolong? Ramai.

Jadi itulah. Bukan niat aku nak mengajar. Aku sendiri tak tersusun lagi langkah. Tapi itu perkara paling asas sekali yang perlu kita semat dekat dada. Masakan kita boleh percaya benda yang lain kalau kenyataan yang satu ini pun susah kita nak terima? Kan?

Satu lagi,

jangan cakap kita dah puas berdoa, tapi Tuhan belum kurniakan. Tuhan dah kurniakan setiap satunya, cuma kita yang belum jumpa.

Gua dah mula bingai.

2011-09-25T17:34:00.004+08:00

Baru dua tiga minggu gua jadi warga UUM, banyak pembaharuan gua nampak. Lu bosan kan gua asyik borak pasal UUM? Gua tau dah. Lantak lu lah, nak baca ke tak.

Yang pertama.

Gua dah pandai berbual I U, I U ni. Bukan main geli gua rasa. Selama hidup gua, paling berhemah pun kata ganti diri yang gua pakai adalah Syafa & ____ (Addressee), itu yang paling sopan sekali dalam dunia ni. Dengan kawan-kawan rapat, jangan harap la nak ber I U, itu memang mengundang lempang. Kecuali dengan kawan-kawan yang memang dari awal ber I U, tu contoh gua nak bergedik je. Tapi kalau dengan Ijat or Sheima or Ajie nak ber I U, gua libas diri sendiri.

Yang kedua.

Semua orang tahu gua tak boleh hidup takde nasik. Nasik tu umpama kekasih gelap gua. Satu hari tak makan nasik, gua boleh marah seminggu genap. Dan semua orang tahu gua kalau makan nasik, mesti kena ada kawan. Gua tak boleh makan tak berteman. Jadi dekat sini, jadual makan nasik gua betul-betul terganggu. Last gua makan nasik, dua hari lepas. Jangan harap la lu nak kawan dengan gua kalau gua dah hot esok nanti ni.

Yang ketiga.

Manusia paling nerd dalam UUM ni gua lah kot. Tak semena-mena gua rajin tak tentu hala. Bayangkan, sebelum kelas, gua baca buku, gua siap buat notes. Ini bukan diri gua yang sebenar sikit masa dulu. Adakah gua telah dirasuk hantu pembelajaran? Itu yang kita kena selidik. Assignment pertama gua, summarize 20 bijik journals. Hoi lah meninggal! Siapa-siapa dekat UUM ni sikit hari lagi boleh la kot tengok sekali sekala gua borak dengan beruk.

Yang keempat.

Gua baru belajar yang dekat sini tak boleh pakai jeans pergi kelas. Gua stress betul. Baju kurung dah la bawak sikit. Memang la kelas sikit je. Tapi gua rasa akak-akak sekelas gua memang boleh perasan baju apa gua pakai. Bukan nak cakap gua paling cantik dalam kelas, tapi kalau dalam kelas ada lima orang je student, tak macam kerja masing masing belek corak baju kawan sebelah kalau boring dengar lecture.

Sebenarnya gua rindu rumah weh. Gua homesick, gua makan megi hari-hari, gua malas nak basuh baju, gua beli cerek elektronik bila dah masak air rasa macam besi. Gua jalan kaki dari bus stop pergi kelas punya lah jauh ya Rabbi. Gua nangis!

Gua tak sabar nak bulan 1 ni, gua nak pergi Indonesia, gua nak cari jodoh. Jodoh pakai baju koko.

Bila hati orang itu kau yakin mampu jadi hatimu sendiri.

2011-09-24T01:31:00.007+08:00

Cuba peluk matahari, kalau mampu kau harung setiap panasnya.

Cuba gapai bulan, kalau mampu kau hulur tangan ke sana.

Bukan mahu aku lumpuh mahumu,

tidak juga mahu aku cantas citamu.

Namun bukankah lebih baik tunduk ke tanah, lihat mana kakimu bertelapak?

Nafas ini tidak seenteng itu.

Bisik hati saja tidak cukup,

apa lagi kerdip mata,

Khairunnisa.

Kau bukan siapa-siapa yang berkehendakkan dewa.

Tidak cukup cermin di bilik, cuba cari gelas besi di dapur.

Tidak cukup juga, cuba cari serpih kaca berselerak.

Pusing, cuba lihat keliling, cuba cari semua yang perlu kau cuba.

Cuba kalau lah ada.

Okay so now I miss UIA.

2011-09-19T21:08:00.006+08:00

UUM is ... okay I guess.

Apart from the monkeys in the hostel compound, crappy system and confusing lecture buildings.

I haven't try the shuttle service yet, but we'll see how.

I am too tired to even write about it now. You know, travelling from Sintok to Alor Star two days in a row almost killed me. So I've got a room in DPP (College) Bank Rakyat, 5 kilometers outside the campus, the room is okay, the hostel is a bit old and stilly, and I have no roommate yet. I know eventually I'm gonna knock someone's door and ask whether I can sleep with her. The only thing that makes me happy is that I have stack of junk food.

Classes, okay so far. I spent 2 hours in a wrong class on the first day. And I have a lecturer, a doppelganger of my auntie who likes to curse a lot. Funneh. Oh yes, I am the youngest in all classes I've registered in. Kesian weh, nak mencarut dengan siapa?

I miss my parents, and my kid brother so much. Can't wait for November to come.

Gonna snap some photos to show you my desk (because there's a photo of Ijat and Aya there), and my windows (because they put some sort of net to avoid monkeys to get in, weird).

Okay update :

So this is my work space. Its nothing much. But yes, look at those two girls. Because I am an awesome sister, like that.

And yes, because I am vain, this is my new matric card. And the face in this gambar looks slimmer than the actual printed one. Gila muka besar tayar bas.

Tu je lah.

*Bad photo quality but like, I, care.

On boys and commitment. Gila kau.

2011-09-14T03:14:00.003+08:00

Whenever I get to see my girls, the ultimate topic of our discussion is basically about, hmm...

boys. Yes, boys.

And because all the bitching, gossiping, bahan-ing each other tell us one thing. Boys are difficult, though it is always the same pattern, they still are difficult.

Oh, I have so many engagement ceremonies and wedding to attend next year. Boy, that is definitely a sign.

Our little sister's engagement.

2011-09-13T15:28:00.004+08:00

Beautiful, isn't it?

So my classes are going to start on 17th September, so I have one week gap from the registration date. I thought I wanna do surprise for Nadal, so I secretly came to Kuala Lumpur, no one knew about it except Alyaa, Sheima and Ijat (this one I just couldn't shut my mouth from telling her), and went straight to her engagement ceremony.

I've missed the upacara menyarung cincin but managed to join the camwhore-ing session, at her house, as well as at the studio.

So, Nadal was really stunning, and kurus aku bengang. Her make-up was done by Sheima, of course, our own artist with magical fingers. You know, she has a very milky ivory complexion, suited with her dusty pink baju kurung, and made her glow-y like a baby. I is very the jealous. And Meme, her fiance, jambu lah of course.

It was very beautiful, it was very charming.

She's the younger in our circle, and she's the one who got engaged first. I is jealous one more time.

Congratulations, baby. Thank you for inviting me, it was such an honor to be there celebrating your engagement. May Allah bless your engagement, as well as your upcoming marriage. InsyaAllah.

And I looked like a fat pregnant woman in almost all photos. Thank you bat flowing blouse, thank you.

Si juling & Si pipi biskut.

2011-09-10T02:06:00.005+08:00

Setiap perempuan ada cerita tersendiri tentang hijabnya.

Begitu juga aku dan dia.

Cerita hijab kami berlainan sama sekali.

Namun cerita hijab aku adalah kesinambungan daripada cerita hijab dia.

Jadi semoga hijab kami kekal di atas kepala,

semoga sujud kami kekal terjaga,

semoga hubungan kami kekal sampai bila-bila.

InsyaAllah.

Syukran, ya Rabb.

Kau jadikan kami sama-sama jahil,

Kau buka mata kami dalam satu masa yang sama.

Mahu aku simpan sampai mati yang ini.

Orang kita cakap, "Berlagak nak mampus."

2011-09-02T23:57:00.007+08:00

"I baru beli kasut ni, dalam 4, 5 ribu jugak la harga dia, parents I macam tak bagi, sebab nak pakai dekat kaki kan? Tapi I nak jugak, I tak kira. I tak kisah pun harga dia mahal, sebab I dah suka sangat kan, I beli je la."

Macam celaka.

Being wealthy is not a crime, I know that. But bragging about stuff you have, brands you know, class you're living in is totally a major turn-off.

No one deserves to brag. That is totally lame, especially the ones who think they are rich, but actually they're not, their parents are. It is sick, you know. No one wants to hear us babbling about stuff we have.

I don't see what is the point of wanting people to know that we're wearing expensive things? Why? I get it, we want people to look at us, we want people to envy us, so okay, leave the things to do it by themselves. Show them to the world, it's between us and our God, He will judge our intentions, not other people, but please, keep our freaking mouth shut.

It is not gonna bring us anywhere, I tell you.

There's nothing wrong wearing Prada and not telling people about you wearing Prada.

Yes, pronouns 'we' and 'us' are used because I'm saying this to myself too.

And no, I'm not writing this because I'm jealous of someone who wears Prada and bragging about wearing Prada.

I just hate it when people bring brand names in every conversation I am in, or I am witnessing.

Can't afford to wear such expensive clothes and drink expensive coffee in another hundred years, but no, I'm not jealous of people who can.

It's just, come on, you're not gonna get to bring all in your grave, aye?

I know I'm gonna get in my grave with few pieces of fabric only.

And please, don't get me started with people who wear fake shits and claimed they are original. Social desperation is gonna kill you in the end.

Okay itu tak kelakar.

2011-09-01T00:48:00.003+08:00

One thing I don't like about Raya is the way people respond to whatever new information they've gained from you.

For example,

"Amboi ustazah berjubah-jubah."

For God's sake, jubah is not for ustazah only. Everyone can wear it.

"Takpe, lepas belajar dah boleh cari jodoh pulak."

I feel like smashing Mother's raya cookie jars.

"Kau makin besar."

And the act of ziarah should be abolished by next year.

Things like that.

Not nice, not nice.

1 Syawal

2011-08-31T01:56:00.003+08:00

"Selamat Hari Raya Anak, Ibu halalkan makan minum, Ibu maafkan semua salah silap. Biar kekal macam gini sampai bila-bila, Ibu senang hati bila tengok Anak yang sekarang."

Speechless.

Because 'senang hati' are the strangest words,

when it comes to anything about me.

I'm gonna cry in my sleep, because this is the best Syawal ever.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir & Batin.

Ramadhan, come again next year. InsyaAllah.

It is August 29th.

2011-08-29T01:02:00.003+08:00

Today is the day where two of my loves were born.

Shout out to Alyaa Zakuan, 19 years old wise lover,

and Nadal Muhtadi, 22 years old bubbly princess.

May Allah shower you with bless and grace.

I love you to bits.

You two stay comel.

Day 17 - Someone from your childhood

2011-08-29T00:52:00.003+08:00

Dear cousins, all three cousins of mine, Lye, Ain and Jijo,

Supposed that I write something for my friends from my childhood, but you know how I traveled during those years, right? From Johor to Terengganu, and to Melaka, and to Kedah, and to Johor back, and yes, those years. So I don't really have a good memory with one single kid who lived in the same era as mine.

But, we shared our childhood together, whenever my family and I went back to Kampung Selayang during school holidays, there you guys were.

So yes, this is for all galah panjang, baling selipar, nyorok-nyorok, spider-hunting, Nama Negeri Buah Binatang Benda, visit to Kedai Abas, Arwah Nenek's grave cleaning, Aiskrim Malaysia, and lots more.

I love you guys to the max. Glad we're still close to each other until now.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa.

Not serious, so?

2011-08-25T00:25:00.004+08:00

The power of stupid jokes.

That is actually a very manipulative headline.

I was brought up not to show anger in front of other people. Except when I am too mad, there'd be certain people whom I'll burst my anger to. I don't go showing it up to random people, let alone making scene in public.

I was also brought up in the environment of giving advice in between jokes. My family, especially my aunts, they have this one weird way of giving advice between jokes and laughs. It is sometimes hurtful like hell, because it often goes straight to your face, but yet, most of the time, it is effective I tell you.

That is why people often see me joking, and not taking things seriously.

Because I believe there's no point showing people your harshness and what will they do, they'll make fun of you behind your back.

I want to be taken seriously, but you know, what's life without playing fool a little bit?

I do joke around and basically say stupid things like all the time, and I pick those who I want to be serious with. I joke because I want to avoid awkwardness, I joke because I don't want people to feel uncomfortable with me. Yeah I know sometimes my jokes do make people feel awkward and uncomfortable, but oh well.

But, being a joker doesn't mean I don't know the limit.

I don't joke with people I think I shouldn't have jokes with, and I don't joke with people I don't think would appreciate that behavior of mine.

Let alone being playful to people who don't like me.

So yes, if you couldn't find a moment of me being serious, you should already know our level of relationship.

Because I don't need to show people my brain, my feelings and my inner side. It is not even worth it.

I'd like to believe this, that I haven't finished proving things to myself, why should I even bother to show things to other people?

It is as simple as that.

This is not part of the topic, but I just realized one thing after almost six years, not having a boyfriend makes your phone a track player only. Only. Sedih to the max.

Bismillahirahmanirahim.

2011-08-22T05:40:00.004+08:00

Terima kasih Tuhan,

Kau ketuk pintu hati untuk aku terus berlari mencariMu,

Kau beri tenang damai dalam hidup setiap nafasku,

Kau hadiahkan kesenangan dalam setiap urusanku,

Kau halakan jiwaku ke arah cahayaMu,

Kau buka mataku untuk cari setiap jahilku.

Terima kasih Tuhan,

Kau kurniakan kesihatan dan sejahtera kepada kedua ibubapaku,

Kau serikan hati mereka dengan setiap syukur buatMu,

Kau tetapkan kesabaran pada mereka untuk terus mencari nikmatMu,

Kau utuhkan kasih sayang mereka terhadapMu.

Terima kasih Tuhan,

sesungguh aku manusia yang hina, langsung tiada malu untuk meminta kepadaMu, namun tiada apa lain yang kuharapkan selain daripada keberkatan hidup dariMu, sesungguhnya lengkapkanlah agamaku sebelum aku menemuiMu, turunkanlah ujian yang bersepadan denganku, dan letakkanlah aku di dalam keadaan yang mencari redhaMu.

Semoga rasa syukur ini tetap mengalir tidak berhenti Ya Allah.

Amin.

Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country.

2011-08-20T22:04:00.003+08:00

So basically I don't know anyone from other countries, and I don't see any point writing to my friends who are in Malaysia, because I want to save them for other letters. I do have cousins in Cali and Singapore, but we're not that close, so there's no need to write to them.

But, I'd love to write to my future friends in Indonesia, because I'm weird like that.

Dear random Indonesians,

I am hoping that someday, I'll be able to go to your country. I always love Indonesia, the cultures, the languages, the people. There's something about your country that intrigues me so much. Being part Javanese and part Mandailing, it is cool if I can go there and see my ancestors original cultures and see how they live their life.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Dalam sebulan, rasa jiwang tu mesti ada.

2011-08-20T14:27:00.002+08:00

"Makanya jangan duduk dekat dengan bunga,

karena bunga itu akan layu."

Kata si jejaka.

"Mengapa begitu?"

Tersentak pula si dara, terfikirkan hodohkah dia.

"Kerana akan kalah indahnya sama kamu."

No title, this time.

2011-08-19T05:51:00.009+08:00

1. Its already the 20th day of Ramadhan, look at how fast time flies, I can't get enough of it seriously, to perform it with family after 6,7 years spending it with friends, is bliss. You know, the feeling of reciting prayer before you eat, and the laugh at the table, and things like that, yes, I did the same with friends, but, you know, the feelings are different.

2. So there are 15 or 16 days left, before my depart (Poyo macam nak pergi overseas, aku memang poyo.) So yes, gonna spend the whole time with family basically, and knowing that I'll be so far from home, got the feeling already. And gonna spend every night with some friends on Skype, because it is fun fun fun.

3. I have bought almost all needs, just couple of things left. I am 90% prepared, materially, just gotta check on some books that I have because basically, I'll be studying almost all subjects that I've learned during my degree, that is awesome, except that I have to take Phonetics & Phonology and Semantics which I kinda dislike.

4. This is the first time of Raya, I'll be wearing pants instead of normal Baju Kurung. I am gedik like that.

5. Love life, still hopeless. I wish I could stop it from lingering around my thoughts, but man, I am lonely for the love of God. I want to be a nerd who has a boyfriend. Haih

6. Sometimes, looking at certain things would make you go like, "Ahh, it feels like yesterday." But seriously, I hate it to the core. I am not a type of person who likes to remember my past. It makes me don't want to move forward, instead making me feel like I should go back to those times, know what I mean? Then how to move forward?

7. My study loan has already been approved , Alhamdulillah. I'd love to believe that God has his own ways to give rezeki to us. And I'd love to believe, being able to go through things easily is one of that.

8. I am in love with Noe Letto, because of his words, in all of their songs' lyrics. Like this one,

"Oh, bukanlah cantikmu yang ku cari

Bukanlah itu yang aku nanti
Tetapi ketulusan hati yang abadi
Ku tahu mawar tak seindah dirimu
Awan tak seteduh tatapanmu tetapi
Ku tahu yang ku tunggu hanyalah senyummu."

Like super sweet.

9. Certain things are all pulling off their way from me. I can feel that.

Raya gift from someone special.

2011-08-17T14:16:00.004+08:00

This package was sent to my house 1 hour ago, it was from Lye, a Raya card, bangles for me, a necklace for Puan Shikin, and Baju Melayu cuffs for Encik Mat.

And I was , speechless. This is the first time I received Raya gift from someone. This is the first after a really long time not receiving any Raya card, it was sent to me. Not only for me, but for my whole family. Oh, nothing for my kid brother, she said there will be Raya money for him, only after he ask for forgiveness and salam her.

What makes me really happy, and at the same time, a bit touched, is that she bought those things for my parents. Which clearly sends a message that she actually remembers about them. She's the closest niece to my parents, and that is why we're very, super duper close.

A big thanks to this babycake, may God shower her with loads of happiness and bless.

And I shall go and find things for her pulak as a reply.

What should I buy for her eh?

Of looks and attraction.

2011-08-17T06:21:00.005+08:00

I am finally on it. So I can really blame my hormones if this post is gonna sound a bit harsh, or maybe, too narrow.

I don't mind if people look at superficial traits, rather than looking at inner side of their potential partner. I mean, I used to hate that stereotype, but now, I really don't mind, it is a personal choice.

What I can't believe happening now is, it applies in friendship. What? Really? Come on. That's not supposed to happen. This is no high school.

Its like this, one person wants to befriend with this whole group of people, awesome, pretty, rich people, but then this person was rejected, because this person doesn't possess the same quality that these people have. I mean, what ze hell?

I may be one of these people, I admit. But only if this person turn me off with his/her stupidity during the first meet. And stupidity here in terms of behaviors, people, and that, annoys me so much.

I don't mind having friends who are ugly, poor, and imperfect, as long as they know how to bring themselves, because I do pick friends according to that.

But no, to refuse a friendship because the other party is not pretty, not rich, not popular, not sexy, that is not awesome.

Social standards are just bullshit. We'll be under the same ground kot eventually, why so sombong? And we don't base a friendship on physical looks, but honesty, arse.

By the way, "Hi Kak Long, boleh berkenalan" with some weird tune is not an appropriate way to make friends, alright? That one, no matter how good looking you are, or how rich you are, I won't ever suggest people to start a friendship with you, or person who said that pick-up line, because that's just, you know, rude.

Day 15 - The person you miss the most

2011-08-17T06:02:00.002+08:00

Dear Eliyana Bt Ismail,

Chacha posted up a photo with you in it like few days ago.

When I saw it, automatically my tears streamed down, it still feels like yesterday, when we bumped into each other in KLCC, and you were like screaming from the top of escalator, and I was like jumping and we hugged, and we cried a little bit, and we kissed each other's cheeks,

it still feels like yesterday.

It was the last time I saw your pretty face. It was the last time I saw your smile.

This Ramadhan, please visit me in my dream, I'll be waiting for your smile.

Rest in peace, my love.

I'll see you in heaven, InsyaAllah.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from

2011-08-13T04:10:00.005+08:00

Dear a very good friend of mine,

We are drifting away, probably because we don't talk much, probably because we're far from each other now, and probably because we no longer see each other as often as then.

You see, if one day, we are destined to be a pair of 'hi and bye' friends only, have this in mind; you are one of the most awesomest friend I've ever had.

You're the only friend who has the strongest faith in me, who believe I have the ultimate capability to rule my own world, and who would stand for me whenever things go wrong.

And mostly because you're there giving me your best,

and you're still there when I was at my worst.

I'll see you on September the Fifth.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Buttheads can never think properly, I think.

2011-08-10T05:42:00.005+08:00

I have this sense that there's gonna be an endless discussion pertaining to this thing. At least here in my blog.

Not to say that I'm a saint or a preacher, but God, please let these humans know that somehow, each and everyone of us should be respected, no matter what.

"Oh, kau dekat mana ni?"

"Dekat atas katil, nak join ke?"

And numbers of conversation just like this.

Seriously, what the fudge?

Please note that both participants share different genders. And you may guess which participants said which sentences.

So yes, I get it, you're joking. But what the hell are you thinking exactly? That ain't no joke, dude. No.

I am not being sexist, but as an individual, I don't appreciate this as much as I don't appreciate sexual abuse. Because it is one kind of it actually, if you notice.

I don't care if you're a friend, or someone that I knew, (no, not relative because that'd be very very sick) but you know there's always a limit when it comes to joking, or teasing. Please try that kind of joke on someone else, I don't know if they can accept it as a joke really, but not me, I am full of dignity, I don't talk shit like that with random people.

Yes, okay, I do joke about dirty things, but only with close friends, but hell no, I don't go beyond the limit, it was for laugh only and never in my awareness someone has changed their perception towards me because I'm full of dirty things. You can go and ask my bitches if you want to.

I am mad. I am very very mad about this stupid perversion.

Please, act like adult. Adults may like dirty things, but real adults don't talk dirty to other people. It may look fun to you, but believe me, not more than you yourself may agree with you thoughts.

Barney Stinson is awesome yes, but no, that's just a fictional character, don't bring it to life. Please. Do not ever think that you'll be as awesome as he is, in reality.

To be continued.

Tak tenang lah kalau cenggini

2011-08-08T18:38:00.003+08:00

Remember when you used to have your eyes on something, you just tell your dad, and he'll buy it for you right away. I don't miss that moment, I just need that moment back so I can say

"Takpe lah, you should keep that money in case we're gonna need it for something else."

And now, I am used to asking for my parents' money whenever I want something.

Today for example,

"Ayah, I want air tebu for Iftar, can ah?"

And he gave money to Min to buy air tebu straight away.

And at the age of 24, I still need to beg for my parents' money for my study fees. That's hell of awful shit to hear, kan?

Muka aku tebal gila nak mampus.

UUM and other things, yes. That flirting thing.

2011-08-05T06:07:00.004+08:00

Again, with this randomness.

1. I've received UUM's offer letter. So gonna die looking at the digits of amount that I've to pay before September the Seventh. But InsyaAllah, doors of good fortune are everywhere. So I saw sadness in Ayah's face, that I'll be leaving real soon. I don't know whether it's because of money, or it's because he doesn't want to let me go. I hope it is both.

2. Speaking of doors of good fortune, I've received 20 translation jobs that I've to finish by the end of September. Awesome, but it was my mistake that I said I can finish one episode in three days. Like gila banyak. One episode consists 78 pages. What makes it harder is the suitable words that you have to choose. But it's really fun, you know, where you can laugh at your own direct translations.

3. Looking at girlfriends flirting with random boys is a very exciting thing to do. You know that I'm not a kind of person who flirts with guys, but like I said, it's always fun to see your girlfriend mengayat this one guy and tells everything to you. It is always a good laugh. You know how cheesy girls and boys can be, so we can see how younger boys hit on girls, and how matured guys hit on girls, and how Desperates would do just to get the attention and things like that. Very funny.

4. Point number 3 tells you exactly how lame I am. I know. Seriously, tak reti.

5. My cats have gone crazeh, seriously. Like they run around the house my brother had to chase them and show them the hanger, like some sort of warning, for hell lots of times. I don't know why, now in Ramadhan, they sleep during daylight, mengalahkan orang puasa and at night, they're like in a war they had to run from in front of the TV, and suddenly they are on dining table, and later they jumped on Ibu's fake flowers. And they have the tendency to sit in front of you, when you're praying, like on the sejadah. God bless my cats, please.

6. Can someone teach me how to flirt?

So okay, before I start talking crap, I better stop. So yes, that's that.

Toddles.

Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you

2011-08-05T01:00:00.004+08:00

I have no idea to whom should I write this, specifically. No, not because I have done nothing wrong to anyone, I did a lot of bad things to people. But it's just that I am ignorant, and egoist like that.

However, I still want to apologize for all of my bad deeds, my wrongdoings, things that I've done that might have hurt you people.

I, with all my heart, am really, truly sorry for all that.

Try to forgive me even though you have no heart to do it, because I was so mean to you, but yes, I need your forgiveness as much as I need to have clean relationships with people who had been in my life, as well as people who have yet to be in it.

I actually cannot imagine leaving this world without your forgiveness.

Thank you, so much.

Day 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

2011-07-31T19:05:00.004+08:00

So I choose to write to the person who caused me a lot of pain instead of the person I hate the most. I no longer hate this particular person, I mean I used to hate this person because of what had happened, but now we've came clean and all is fine. But still, when we talk about pain, we do know that the scar of it stays. So yes, here are some words for this person.

Dear You,

It was so hard back then, not having you near me.

I remember that I used to cry if I can't see you even in one day.

Let alone to let you go for our own good.

But, looking back at those memories, I believe there are reasons why God didn't want us to stay as super best friends.

However, I do wish that your relationship will last forever.

The only thing that I want you to know, I did love you with all my heart back then, I just never thought you'd choose him over me.

And to prove that bastard was wrong, look at me, I'm still single after 5 years.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Serius ni.

2011-07-30T05:34:00.003+08:00

I don't think asking people straight questions like "Eh kau dah pakai tudung ke sekarang?" is really appropriate.

The problem with us people is, we tend to put so much concern on other people's business we need to ask what we've already seen by our own eyes.

If you see a lady wearing hijab, you don't have to ask if she's wearing hijab, because that is pathetically useless.

You just have to assume she's directing herself to a better path, and pray for her best.

I am sorry, but I'm a type of person who gets offended easily, so this thing gets me irritated with just one simple question. Because this is kinda overwhelming. You know, being asked with such questions makes me feel like I need to give people confirmation about me wearing one. And I don't want that.

You know me with my hijab wearing cycle, right? I kinda have this free-hair, covered hair cycle. So that kind of questions bugs me to the core. So if you knew me well enough, you won't be asking the question. Because if you do so, you're actually punishing me, psychologically.

I actually don't know until when will this last. I really hope that it's going to be until my last breath. I need to push myself, because I just realized that there's no such things like "Why should I wear it when I'm not sincere enough about wearing it?" because after all, its my responsibility to do so. Leave your sincerity to Allah, because only He can judge that. I'm no saint or even preacher, but if you think deeper, you'll get what I mean.

Plus, I no longer crying for attention, I don't want people to see me. So I just need to be very invisible.

And it's not like when I'm wearing one, means that I've changed, personality wise. I may need to adjust certain things like you know what, but I'm still the same person. I won't change, as long as you have faith in me.

This is no issue at all for all of you, but it really is for me.

My heart is fragile, I don't want this to affect any of my decisions, as well as it might affect the way I communicate with other people.

Please.

Just don't ask. Because words now, have a capability to kill me.

I couldn't afford to be a perfect 24 yet, anyways.

2011-07-28T02:51:00.005+08:00

No mood to write another summer letter, but I feel like writing, so yes, here are some unnecessary things I'm gonna talk about.

1. Still in shock due to Amy Winehouse's death few days ago. Truth is, I cried a little bit. I don't know, of all celebrities, I love her the most. And the fact that we're not gonna listen to her new songs frustrates me so much. She's one in a million.

2. Went to Comadre/Fuji tour in Batu Pahat last two days after years of leaving gigs behind. I went there alone, I met Khrl there but he was busy lepaking with his friends, so practically I was there by myself, which made it more awesome. Probably the best thing happened to me in this year. Awesome, awesome shit.

3. Still haven't received UUM acceptance letter even though I already knew that I've got in. This is very depressing. It makes me feel like I'm on the edge, realizing there would always be a simple error when it comes to management stuff.

4. Ramadhan will arrive in a few days, really can't wait. I feel more blessed and calm. Really hope I can perform well this time around.

5. The act of less talking to people you rarely know is giving me the best lesson ever, because when I don't talk, they will start talking. When they start talking, I will learn something, either to continue getting to know them, or just walk away after the conversation ends.

6. It's almost reaching the third quarter of 2011, I now pronounced that I don't want 2011 to stay in my memory, except for that Comadre awesome fun I had. I was supposed to buy a car for myself earlier this year, but sometimes , a plan just stays a plan only.

7. Ayam Jantan has got himself a new girlfriend, named Syafawani. Bloody ironic, isn't it? Its always like that. Irony is like a curse to me. Since then, I swear to God not to be the first one to fall in love. Let the other party do that job, regardless when will that happen, anyways. This goes to that crush shit thingy, too.

8. I need to fix my sleeping cycle, which is the most difficult thing to do right now. As well as because I need to drive to KL four hours from now.

Life is getting easier, right? I know that.

Astaga, kok keterlaluan?

2011-07-27T02:59:00.005+08:00

Here's a funny story.

I haven't cried for months. I wonder why did that happen. I kept asking myself and my friends why didn't I cry.

Man, I cry while watching sad movies, I cry whenever I reminisce old good times especially the ones with deceased persons, and I simply cry whenever I saw violence, and some others simple things.

I do admit that I have a fragile heart, I cry sometimes in my sleep. Pathetic, I know.

But these past few months, I haven't shed even a single tear. I don't know why. So the thought of I am getting better in handling emotions and such came into my mind, which leads to the belief that I am getting stronger and bla bla bla. And you know, what else could appear in my heart that time other than riak.

I'm a jerk. You should know that.

Until few weeks back.

I lost my purse in KL, and practically my whole life. I had everything in that purse, cash, IDs, licence, both of my IIUM's matric cards, ATM cards, important notes, and even a check I just collected few days before that.

AND I CRIED LIKE A FREAKING BABY.

Terrific.

All settled already, I paid RM242 for IDs, ATM cards, and licence replacement. That's the price of my own carelessness.

What I want to say here is, God does know what's inside your heart. All He did was give you a little test, to make you realize who you really are.

Being humble in front of everyone else is damn easy, try to be humble to yourself, it is tougher than anything you know. Seriously.

Lesson learned.

Day 11 - A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To

2011-07-26T16:11:00.002+08:00

Dear Atuk,

I miss you so much. She misses you so much.

I miss eating nasik lemak with you, I miss your old sweater, I miss learning English with you, and I miss sitting next to you and talk about life.

Atuk,

Nenek came to visit me in my dreams last few weeks. Why didn't you come, Atuk? She didn't say anything, of course, but she seemed like wanting to give me something.

Atuk,

I really miss it when you always have something to say that's gonna soothe my heart. Because you know the words that I'm looking for. You know which words that can stop my heart and move my brain.

Keep living in my heart, Atuk.

I really hope that you come and visit me sometimes.

I really hope to see you this Ramadhan and Syawal. InsyaAllah

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to

2011-07-25T00:39:00.004+08:00

Dear ________ (I don't know which name should I put because there are so many of you) .

The are so many reasons why we know each other but we don't talk as much as we're supposed to. Mainly because I worship you. But others are;

1. I can't even get words out of my mouth because you're so cool, and I adore you. And I don't know how to approach someone that I idolize the most. There are numbers of these people.

2. I don't really know how to debate, because you are knowledgeable, and are full of powerful words, I might have no reply for each of that.

3. I am not that friendly with awesome people. I admit this. I am egoistic, I do want to talk to you, but I won't talk to you. Particularly because I envy you.

I know you won't come to me, but it is much more comfortable for me to stay low, I always go below the line, by not saying anything to you. You won't read this either, but I really hope for you to know, not talking to you doesn't mean that I hate you, I just don't talk much with people I respect. :)

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 9 - Someone you wish you could meet

2011-07-22T03:38:00.004+08:00

Dear Summayah Binti Khayyath,

I know that it is beyond probability to meet you here in this life, or even in afterlife.

But I want to have your iman, I want to have your bravery, I want to have your patience, I want to have everything you've had in you. And I want to be as lucky as you were, you had faith that as high as the 7th sky, nobility that rarely possessed by other women, including me.

The loyalty you've had in you, towards God, towards your religion, and towards your family was unbreakable. The loyalty that nothing could have beaten, until your last breath.

I wish I could meet you, for I have only one question to ask,

"How sweet would it taste after every suffering you've faced, as you knew the return for it is Jannah?"

Because that's the feeling I am still searching for.

Al Fatihah.

Your syahid puts you in a place where no one else could replace.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Huru Hara Ayam

2011-07-20T02:12:00.002+08:00

Okay penulisan surat-surat jiwang akan disambung selepas selesai bab-bab buat IC baru, lesen memandu baru, kad bank baru, dan sebagainya.

Hidup tuan punya blog sumpah huru hara buat masa ini.

Juga aktiviti mengeblog akan disambung selepas beberapa gambar di dalam blog telah dibuang, atas permintaan tuan punya blog.

Day 8 - Your Favorite Internet Friend

2011-07-12T21:53:00.004+08:00

Dear My Favorite Internet Friend, Mr Jamy Firdhaus,

It was 2005. It was during my matriculation time. It was thru Myspace.

Since then, you're my favorite internet friend.

Why? Because you're the only friend that I haven't had a face to face conversation even though we've been friends for almost 6 years. I mean I saw you at Rock The World 2007 if I'm not mistaken, but we didn't say hi. We never make any initiative to meet up or something and I don't know why is that happening either.

I don't have the real reason why I love being your friend. But I believe this is another definition of friends. Holding on to a friend you know you're not gonna see him/her but you do realize he/she is worth to hold on to. We're not that close any longer, I don't know about you, but I do enjoy being your friend, and I still want to be your friend.

Whatever it is, you'll remain the most interesting internet friend I've ever had. God bless.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 7 - Your Ex-boyfriend

2011-07-10T19:53:00.003+08:00

Dear The Only Mr Ex,

I have nothing left to say to you, for everything you've snatched from me.

The whole world knows how much I hate you.

Godspeed.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 6 - A Stranger

2011-07-09T04:39:00.002+08:00

Dear Stranger,

I do admit that I'm a kind of snobbish. I don't smile at you, I don't even show any interest in getting to know you, let alone to be the first one to say hi.

That's who I am. Maybe that's a reason why my friends see that as my bad quality, and straightaway calling me choosy.

I don't have enough argument to rebut their saying, I am choosy, only when I see us being friends doesn't really work in the future. You know, I don't do bimbos and I don't do tools, but who does? The thing is, I only need you to know, it's not that I put requirement or standard for someone to be my friend, it's just I look for someone who can accept me for the way I am. Everyone knows that I'm a bit weird.

I can be a very quiet person, to a very loud person.

I can be a very modest-talking woman, to a very sarcastic woman.

I am a smartass.

And not all can accept that.

So yeah, being paranoid as I am, I don't want to have even a scratch on people's impressions towards myself. I am not a perfectionist but who likes being judged anyway?

And that is my excuse. I know it's lame but it's the truth.

But I do believe in the theory of friends are made from strangers. All of my friends were strangers to me at first, until we said hi. That's when I knew we'll get along very well.

And I hope we'll get along very well, too.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 5 - Your Dreams.

2011-07-08T00:41:00.003+08:00

Okay now I don't really have the idea of which dreams I am gonna talk about. Should it be in general, or should I specify which one?

I guess I'll do it in whatever way.

Dear dreams,

I don't think I am going to achieve you whenever soon. It's still a long way to go. Even, I myself am not sure whether I have pictured you clear enough. I mean what should I chase first and what comes after that and so on.

Seeing other people leading their life just exactly how they wanted it to be, scares me to death. I am scared, if we're not gonna meet at all.

But one saying has stopped me from thinking that we're drifting apart. It's from my mom. She said something like this,

"In your life, pace is not really a measurement of how successful you are. Because fate doesn't count how fast you could complete your own life, it counts on how you make it to life."

Brilliant, isn't it?

So, no matter how hard it is to reach to you, just be there, because one day, we're celebrating the joy of me getting to you, together.

Oh, p/s: One of my dreams is to perform umrah with my family, that one, please make it come faster. Next year, perhaps? Please?

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 4 - Your Sibling

2011-07-06T22:36:00.003+08:00

Munsawar Hapijis Musmin

Dear Munawar Hafizie Mukmin,

You are one hell awesome brother, we are so closed no one can separate us. We do fight and scream at each other's face, annoy each other whenever we can, but 2 second after that, I will hug you and kiss your cheek and babytalk to you.

That really sounds disgusting, but I don't care.

You'll always repeat the story of how I carried you to the edge of the stairs, when you're few days old and I was 3 years old. You said that I actually tried to kill you. But baby, trust me, your life is like a gold to me. Precious. I'll make sure I'm gonna see you make yourself to it. I'll make sure Ibu and Ayah are gonna see you living this life to the fullest.

You are the awesomest person on earth, I do worship your loyalty to our parents, I do worship your patience towards how irritating I am. Those are the most challenging things that I don't think I can do.

I don't mind not having enough love for myself because I am giving all to you. You are my kid brother, I love you so much, no matter how annoying you are, no matter how bersepah your teeth are, no matter how biadap you are sometimes, calling me Gemok, nonetheless, I love you to bits.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 3 - Your Parents

2011-07-05T16:12:00.003+08:00

Dear Ibu and Ayah,

This letter is going to be really short, because no word can describe how grateful I am to be your daughter. You'll always stay be my king and queen.

You two have the greatest love of all, not even Romeo and Juliet can beat your love. I hope I can find someone that at least possesses one of qualities that you both have.

You give me air to breath, food to eat, shelter to keep living, and hope so I still can have a faith in myself. And you share your love with me. That's the important thing, after all. If not, I won't be as big as I am today. Literally and figuratively.

I remember when I was little, I used to be closer to Ayah compared to Ibu. I woke up in the morning looking for Ayah, I waited at the door at lunch time waiting for Ayah, I fell sick whenever Ayah went outstation.

When I grew up, I became more closer to Ibu compared to Ayah. Maybe because we share the same gender, Ibu bought my first bra, and she's the first person I told that I had a crush.

And that's how lucky I am, both of you are so close to me. I can talk almost everything to both of you without being judged.

I couldn't find one single person that can replace you. Ever.

And I pray that we can still be with each other when we're about to reach the heaven.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 2 - Your Crush

2011-07-03T05:13:00.006+08:00

Dear Mr Crush,

You are my biggest crush for my entire life. You'll always be.

I was so into you, no one else except you. It was you that I wanted. I saw everything in you, I thought you're perfect, and I believe you still are.

I remember why I wanted you so bad, not so long ago, because I can picture you being my parents' favorite. I was so selfish back then, I know. I want you because of me, not you. But you do have something that I've been searching in men for quite long time.

But I didn't make it. At all. Just like what I've thought, earlier than that.

We had nothing, however. Not even a fling. But from my side, it was enough to make me realize to stop chasing things that I don't deserve. It was also enough to stop me from telling people that I like them, for I thought confessing was the brilliant idea. It wasn't.

I've moved on, nonetheless. It was frustrating at first, but now I really have moved on. It was really bittersweet, knowing I was a little too late, or maybe there's not even a small space in your heart for me, or maybe I was mistakenly falling for the wrong guy. It was between those. But yeah, you'll stay be my biggest crush on earth.

After all, I am fine. There's nothing relieving than to know that you're with someone else, someone better, someone you believe you want to spend the rest of your life with. I hope you're happy, you're fine, my prayer will always be with you.

I really wish you well. Both of you.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

Day 1 - Your Best Friends

2011-07-03T02:56:00.005+08:00

Dear Best Friends,

There are numbers of you, and each of you have your own unique reasons to be the person I worship other than my family. It always started with "I hate your guts to the core", but we ended up being best friends. It's always like that. Not all people can't stand me because of my attitude, but with you, it has become the least priority in our friendship. I thank you for that.

Most of you have been my best friends for the longest time of my life, and I treasure every second of it. You're there whenever I need a shoulder to cry own, you're there to be another wing to support when one of mine is broken, you're there whenever I am not good with my own self.

Some of you and me might have love-hate relationship, but I do believe that is what makes us grow stronger. I might have hurt your feelings, and you might have done the same, but the reason why we're still holding on is because we have faith in each other, and that counts to the bit.

I always pray that we'll remain best friends forever. The oath that you took to be my best friend through thick and thin is something that I won't trade.

I love you all.

Sincerely,

Syafawati Khairunnisa

30 days of summer lah sangat kan.

2011-07-03T02:48:00.004+08:00

I found this on someone's blog, and interested in doing this, so starting from today, I'm gonna write a letter each day, to the person listed on the list. Oh, except for Day 23 - The last person you kissed, because it is gross. If let's say we're talking about pop kiss on the cheek, my mom's was the last cheek I planted my kiss on. But I think I'm gonna put her in other category. So yes, let's not do Day 23. Or maybe, I'll change it to The last person I had a big fight with.

And Day 1, I'll change it to Your Best Friends, because I have a lot okay.

So okay, let's begin.

T________________T

2011-07-03T00:11:00.005+08:00

If only I have a cloud friend.

taken from Tumblr

Two shoes for dancing.

2011-07-02T04:11:00.004+08:00

Sedih.

I don't really care about Malaysian politics system. For me, it's no more than childish games, played by older people. Unfortunately, that never shows their maturity, instead displaying their stupidity.

I am against neither opponent, nor government. I don't have enough sayings to voice out my opinion, but I'd love to think that they all suck.

But, I'd go for party that feeds my family, that pays for me and my family's education, that gives us facilities, that will never let any of us citizen live under a flyover, that wouldn't mind if we citizen opt to choose which one is best for us, that gives us shelter regardless our living standards and our races, that cares about our environment, and most importantly, that gives us freedom.

I would also go for government who will teach me about my religion, who will bring me near to it, not the "Negara Islam kini ditukar kepada Negara Berkebajikan" craps, and not even for the pointing fingers who are busy looking for people to be punished by Hukum Hudud whatsoever, instead finding a solution to prevent things from happening.

Authority has lost my faith, seriously. I've seen games since I was a kid. You know, when corruption takes place. When the only persons we put our trust in, destroyed it all.

We're all human beings, don't ever think to change or to bring brighter future to our nation if we don't do it to ourselves first.

Look at ourselves now.

Oh, satu lagi, ceramah kutuk-mengutuk sesama sendiri amatlah bodoh. Kau dah tua kot. Isk.

Mesti akan ada orang ingat aku pengkid punya lah lepasni.

2011-06-28T22:26:00.005+08:00

Okay, rambut baru. Keputusan secara tiba-tiba sebab aku dah janji nak potong rambut 2013, tetapi akibat serangan rambut gugur yang tidak putus-putus, aku beralah.

Tiada jodoh dengan rambut panjang. Sedih memang sedih namun pasrah saja lah.

Oh, Kuala Terengganu best tetapi makanan sumpah mahal aku rasa dah ramai tokey dekat Terengganu tu naik haji. Seronok sebab jumpa kawan satu universiti, duduk dalam bilik aircond sedap gila rasa tanak keluar, gelakkan adik aku sebab ex girlfriend dia ada sekali secara kebetulan (or mungkin tak kebetulan sangat kot?), terlalu banyak vespa berkeliaran aku naik geram, serta pergi melawat masjid kristal. Cantik.

Gambar nanti lah. Kerana di malam hening ini, internet sungguh bitch.

Okay bai.

And that's why God forbids suicide.

2011-06-23T03:00:00.005+08:00

My cousin told me few days ago, her ex-colleague jumped off an apartment and died after she came back from her boyfriend's funeral.

That was scary.

I remember when I was in difficult times, I love to jump in the train, and just sit in there while it brought me from the beginning of the route until the end, and stay in there for few rounds before jump out of the train.

I love to see people, old people, pregnant women, couples and kids and wondering what's inside their head, what are they thinking, like how many suffer they've been through, and what makes them happy.

I failed to do so every time, of course, because I was so busy thinking about myself. But it did helped. It relieves me every time I get to see people's face. I do know that might not work on some of us, but that works on me. At times, I got jealous, you know, looking at moms smiling at their kids, couples holding hands and things like that, because they're so happy based on the looks on their face. But most of the time, I always blame my judgment that I forgot to realize there's always different side of every story.

Like who knows behind every smile, there's pain of failed marriage, or pain of broken family, or pain of losing someone or pain itself literally, from serious disease that the person might have.

And those survival smiles are really beautiful, indeed.

Since then, I learn to change my perception towards certain things. I know not all kind of pain can be avoided. But what is important for us human being is to accept things that frustrate us and turn them into lessons that teach us that this is life.

And this requires time, a lot of time, I agree. But once you're there, you'll taste the sweetest relief in the world. Just hold on to it. Have faith.

And that's another reason why God forbids suicide, because you won't feel the relief once you've done with the pain if you kill yourself before anything.

Make sense, right?

Bliss.

2011-06-22T01:56:00.005+08:00

So far but yet so close.

Gulp.

2011-06-21T06:57:00.003+08:00

"Sesungguhnya tidaklah aku ingin menikah melainkan karena aku tidak ingin mati dalam keadaan agamaku ini setengah."- Mutiara Ummu Saffiyah

Hamek kau. Jauh tersasar kan niat yang sebenar?

Dah dekat dah ni. Dah dekat dah.

2011-06-21T00:50:00.003+08:00

Yang blur tu Tok Kadi yang datang masa Ain nikah hari tu.

Kannnnnnnnnnn?

Kalau tak dapat Tok Imam, Tok Mudim. Tak dapat Tok Mudim, Tok Kadi pun okay.

(pengsan Kak Ikin japgi ni kang)

Abang tukang tangkap gambar ni macam tau tau je tsk tsk tsk.

Satu hari terkedu.

2011-06-21T00:22:00.005+08:00

Have you ever been in a fight?

I am in one right now, with myself.

My heart says a thing, my mind says another. They don't really get along, in this particular matter.

It's like there are two parts in me. Part of it is reminding me about things with the simplest reasoning, instincts and feelings towards this.

While another says I've been through this phase before, and I've been seeing everyone doing it, so I got the influence from there, it's not really coming from my heart.

I am not happy with this, man. Really. This is sad, very sad. Really.

Selamat Hari Ayah!

2011-06-19T16:10:00.003+08:00

This was during Raya 2009.

Happy Father's Day, Mohamed B. Omar.

No one could win over you in any competitions in my heart.

You are my hero, you are my savior.

I am so glad I am the ONLY daughter you have.

I might kill my sisters if I have any just to stay being your only one.

I don't want to share you with anyone else.

I love you, Ayah.

Okay la, I won't put my crush's name up in the title bar.

2011-06-19T01:30:00.010+08:00

I just finished talking to my budak kecik, Alyaa.

And our conversation has risen up a question.

Do you dare to tell your crush that you're so into her/him?

Me?

Don't bother to ask. Chicken is my middle name.

Yes, I am afraid of rejection. It hurts like a little bitch.

And I have a very low self esteem.

You see, us Malays especially, we are so afraid of confrontations. And handling situations. I don't know whether its because of customs, or simply we just love to avoid.

A situation, I was really into this one guy, and he didn't know it. So I thought it would be nice if he liked me, too. So I confessed. It turned out the other way, he didn't like me, and has been avoiding me since.

(This is indeed a true story. To that guy; "You son of a bitch.")

Instead of telling me straight to my fugging face, he chose to run away. Very mature of him. But I don't blame him 100% because he might not want to hurt my feelings by saying no, so instead, keeping in silence might be the best way for everyone.

Though I choose to believe he ran away in disgust, told himself he deserved better.

Again. "You son of a bitch."

The thing is, you people should know that avoiding is not a polite right way to say no. Avoiding is like saying stupid things to person who you want to reject such as,

"No, eww, you're so ugly/fat/poor/gross/______ (your own selection of mean words)!"

in silence.

The right thing to do is create a civilized conversations, and tell him/her what you really feel. For example, "It's not that I don't like you, it's just I don't like you the same way you like me, you know." or maybe, "Dude, I have a girlfriend, you'd be better with someone else, not me, because if I two-time, that's not good for any of us, isn't it?" or things like that.

And no, don't give craps like "I don't know, I have to focus on my study." or "I don't think my mum would allow me to have bf/gf." because some excuses are just bullshits.

Reject like an adult, and you'll earn respect from that.

And yes, I'm still terrified of rejection, that horror feelings of people might not like me back just like what I've expected has been in my blood since forever.

I don't tell people that I like them. I'd rather keep it to myself, or to my friends only.

People might say, if I don't tell him that I like him, I might not know if he likes me too.

I don't care, because that, won't happen in 1000 years time.

Takut tak ternampak jalan Tuhan sebenarnya.

2011-06-18T00:03:00.002+08:00

Aku lah manusia yang paling cepat hatinya berubah. Paling cepat sekali. Semuanya selalu separuh jalan. Jadi keadaan ini betul betul menimbulkan ketakutan.

Sebab, rasa insaf yang datang selalunya sekejap.

Dan rasa semangat yang datang selalunya tak lama.

Pelik kan?

Rasanya dah beratus kali hidayah datang, tapi sebab tak ikhlas, semua tak menjadi. Seratus kali dah aku cuba tapi hati tak pernah tetap.

Kau takut dengar ini? Aku yang rasa?

Tahu siapa yang ingkar maka neraka tempat menginap, dan siapa yang patuh maka syurga dijanji Tuhan, tapi punya lah susah nak sampai rasa taubat tu selagi tak dipukul, selagi tak diherdik, maka selagi itu aku duduk sedap tak buat apa apa langsung dalam dunia ni.

Tak tahu aku nak buat apa, tak tahu aku nak mula dari mana. Zalim dekat diri sendiri, itu aku tau, tetapi sombongnya aku dengan agama sendiri, Tuhan saja yang tahu.

Selalu cakap pasal kebaikan, pasal Tuhan sentiasa ada masa susah.

Tapi, marahnya Tuhan dekat aku sebab bercakap saja pandai, aku tak mampu nak bayangkan macamana keadaannya.

Seronok tengok kawan-kawan berubah ke arah kebaikan, syukur tak terhingga semua dah berpatah balik, tapi aku? Macam aku cakap, seronok sangat duduk tak berbuat apa di dalam dunia.

Bukan tak takut. Takut sangat-sangat kalau fikirkan, tetapi sebenarnya aku hairan, kenapa langsung tak bergerak anggota badan nak buat segala suruhan. Bukan nak tunggu betul-betul dirotan, tapi aku rasa macam hati aku dah buta.

Sumpah takut.

There's a reason why God invented pain.

2011-06-15T05:53:00.003+08:00

"Could it be worse?" - Coldplay, Fix You

This song has never failed to remind me there's always something to hold onto whenever you feel like your life is on the edge. There's always something.

I always believe the theory of letting things go for its own good is actually giving them a chance to come back to us. No matter in what way they might come back. Because in the end, we all get what we deserve. No matter how hard life beats you, no matter how worse your journey ends up, and no matter how difficult people treat you, if you take those as chances to fix your own life, believe me, you have nothing to complain about in the next 20 years.

I know it's easy to say things when you don't feel the pain, but learn to play strong all along, you'll get used to it, sooner or later.

If you believe in qada' and qadar, you'll realize there's always hikmah behind every plan, then redha will become more ikhlas, and God will show you the way, InsyaAllah.

This post is for some of my closest friends, some of them are having a hard time at this particular moment. Should they know, there's always a reward for their patience.

Persatuan Perempuan Nakal.

2011-06-14T13:55:00.004+08:00

I have two favorite siblings in the world. No, not the twins.

The older sister is my best friend, the younger one is the one I'd love to bully, but apparently I am the one who has always been bullied.

This is their picture.

The kakak is on the left, the adik is on the right.

Eating out with them, is awesome.

Bundle-hunting with them, is awesome.

Skype conferencing with them, is awesome.

Crap-talking with them, is super awesome.

Why settle for one best friend when you can make two out of the package?

They are my dolls.

Relatives and their useless presence.

2011-06-13T19:01:00.005+08:00

"Grab somebody sexy tell them heyy,"

Yes, that song has been in my head for at least 2 weeks, and I can't get it out of my head. Nothing to do with the post, though.

Let me tell you a story about how I ended up hating my cousins on my father's side so much and how I prefer spending my lifetime with mine on my mother's side. So okay, let's start with my mother's side. She has 10 siblings, she's the sixth, so imagine how many cousins that I have around my real age? Plenty, but I am close to only four or five of them. We grew up together, we entered university together, we started working together. Catfights were there, we are only human, but we won't go to far from that. You know, when you cross the line and say things that you're not supposed to say. After all, we're good. Until now.

Let's move to my father's side. He's the second last of 14 siblings. He has a younger sister, who is one year younger than him. So relatives from my father's side, they kind of dislike my mother, on certain reasons, I suppose. Because one, my mother is 11 years younger than my father, two, she's from Kuala Lumpur, and I don't know why has that become a problem, first thing first.

So okay, I do have cousins my age, or maybe older and younger few years than me. I don't know, maybe it was their close-mindedness, or maybe because the educational gap between us, or maybe they think there's no use to like me or just simply whatever, caused something like a thin line that limit our relationship to exist. I don't talk much, I don't go out from house, I don't smile often, and I don't say hi to them. So yeah, maybe that's the reason why we don't favor each other.

Anyway, there's a story between me and my aunt's (father's sister) sons.

There are three of them. All are older than me. When we're reaching puberty, entering our teenage life, we stopped talking. I just don't know why. Last time I saw them, was three or four years ago. And nothing came out from our mouth, even though we're standing in front of each other.

What I hate the most is when we no longer talk, they, yes they, started to say things.

I remember when we went back to kampung, when I was like 14 or 15, back then we haven't move to Batu Pahat yet, so yes, there they were, as expected because it was Raya time. The first thing I heard came out from the eldest mouth was "Macam bohsia." in front of my mum as we shook hands. I may consider his rudeness if it was only me who had to listen to it, but in front of my mother? I don't share blood relationship with an asshole. So from that moment, they are the ones that are prohibited in my life. If ever anything happened that might involve family as a matter of fact, I don't think they have my sincere invitation to step into my life, or even my house.

They are simply not my relative anymore.

Last two weeks, they came back and stayed at my another aunt's house, which I didn't get to see them. But knowing that they were there, I told myself one thing, do not ever let go the opportunity to smash one's face whenever you get the chance to do it.

But yes, to punch them faces now is kinda irrational. So I'll just wait till next time.

So yes, having difficulties with your relatives is not something you look forward to in life, but I don't know, life happens like what it is supposed to be. If it meant to be for me not being closer to my father's relative, then its okay, at least I still survive not depending on them.

Sounds selfish, but yes, its what my heart saying.

Doing surveys is fun.

2011-06-11T19:22:00.005+08:00

Out of 100, see how many random stuff that go around my life.

1. I woke up in the afternoon today.
2. I have at least three picture frames in my room.
3. My trash can is full.
4. I love snow globes, but I’d never buy one.
5. I use my regular phone more than my cell phone.
6. I’m single, but I don’t want to be.
7. My hair is not layered.
8. I hate the term “best friend,” but I use it anyway.
9. I get along with my mum more than my dad.
10. I like making beaded bracelets.
11. I’ve never run for class president/treasurer, etc.
12. Most of my friends are white.
13. I have over 150 CDs in my collection.
14. I would rather listen to the radio than CDs.
15. I own whiteout, but I barely ever use it.
16. I’m very shy until you get to know me.
17. Some take my shyness as being mean/rude.
18. Most people probably don’t understand me.
19. I have a very random sense of humor.
20. I do not consider myself attractive.
21. I feel that I’m more mature than most people my age.
22. But not all the time.
23. I used to pick my nose and wipe it on the wall.
24. I’d rather be cold than hot.
25. I always wait for that one person to sign on.
26. I’m probably online too much for my own good.
27. I am trying to lose weight and it’s not working out very well.
28. I own a LOT of chapstick. A LOT.
29. I love to buy paper… but I barely use it.
30. I write in my paper journal once a day or more.
31. I am an American, yet I find them annoying.
32. I’ve used binoculars the wrong way before.
33. I’m thirsty, but I can’t be bothered to go get something.
34. One of my best friends is that of the opposite sex.
35. Sometimes I feel really, really sorry for myself.

36. My stomach hurts a little bit right now.

37. Other times I feel really, really lucky.

38. I have a friend (or more) who creeps me out.
39. I have more than one shelf up in my room.
40. It’s sunny out today.
41. I don’t have a car.
42. I’m very picky with food.
43. I have a hard time with directions.
44. I am a little bit obsessive compulsive.
45. I talk to myself in the mirror sometimes.
46. I don’t have that many DVDs yet.
48. I feel very sick if a movie is gory.
49. I have a lot in common with my best friend.
50. I believe in the theory that opposites attract.
51. I’ve liked someone who is at least four years older than me.
52. I’ve started a fire/explosion in the microwave oven before.
53. I’m worried that one of my pets will die soon.
55. Never been THAT drunk, but it might be kinda fun.
56. Sometimes I act drunk even when I’m not.
57. It annoys me when people chew loudly.
58. And breathe loudly.
59. And click their pens like crazy.
60. I enjoy bold surveys, mostly ‘cause I have no life.
61. I’d rather have a popsicle than popcorn.
62. I’d rather do laundry than the dishes.
63. Someday, I will go to England.
64. I’d rather be in a dark room than a bright one.
65. My alarm clock annoys me very, very much.
66. When I was younger, I went to summer school for fun.
67. I was made fun of in middle school.
68. I’ve never eaten sushi and never will.
69. I remember where I was when I first learned to whistle.
70. If Barney is on TV, I will still sit there and watch.
71. MySpace is annoying, but I’m pretty much addicted to it.
72. I hAtE iT wHeN pPl TyPe LyK dIs!!!
73. When I talk to my crush, I get too excited.
74. People have told me that I’m sexy before.
75. I never believe it when they do.
76. I love to write, but whenever I start something new I can’t finish it.
77. I love to read.
78. If I lay down and watch TV, I end up falling asleep.
79. I absolutely LOVE riding my bike.
80. I love to play badminton, but I don’t play often.
81. I have never been on a sports team before.
82. I’m in at least one advanced placement class.
83. I’m in the class of 2013.
84. Jacuzzis and hot tubs are very relaxing.
85. I have stood up and done something else during this survey.
86. I space out a lot.
87. I’ve made a shelf in a store collapse before.
88. I’m a big crybaby, and I know it.
89. I wouldn’t mind having a ferret for a pet.
90. I love to watch home videos.
91. I miss my childhood and wish I could go back.
92. I’d rather brush my teeth normally than use an electric toothbrush.
93. Dippin’ Dots are good.
94. I feel like I’m more confident than I used to be.
95. My friends come to me for advice often.
96. I’ve had over five significant others in my lifetime.
97. I have cheated on one or more of them before.
98. Last year’s math class was completely useless.
99. I hate the fact that I’m growing up. I don’t want to.
100. I miss a lot of my old friends, but not all of them

32 out of 100. Guess I am not that random anyway. Have a nice day. :D

2014

2011-06-09T00:38:00.003+08:00

Benda paling aku benci dalam dunia bila rasa sayu terselit setiap kali bila jawab soalan-soalan sensitif.

Aku bukan hipokrit, tak nak orang tahu aku sedih. Aku nak orang tahu aku terasa, tersentak dalam hati, cuma entah, tak terkeluar perkataan-perkataan dalam hati. Yang meluru cuma yang dalam otak je.

"Lu orang dah cop setiap tahun, rilek la, 2014 tu lama lagi kot."

2014 tu pun kalau cukup semua syaratnya.

Dan kalau lah sempat mak bapak aku masih ada.

Kalau lah aku pun masih bernyawa.

Itu lah benda yang aku lupa nak ingatkan kau. Kalau nak tau, itu bukti bodoh aku untuk hari ini.

Islam vs Muslims

2011-06-08T07:01:00.005+08:00

First of all, I am not going to put any references in this post, relating to the topic that I am going to discuss here. Not that I am scared I am going to be smashed back, but I believe it is good not to point my finger to people, which happens to be my topic for today.

I am a God's servant who is full of wrongs myself, arrogant, and ignorant. Therefore, I am not the right person to value the verdict.

This is actually a matter pertaining to Muslims, and their ineffective ways of preaching. I've seen a lot of Muslims, regardless of their level of piousness, failed to preach or counsel other Muslims appropriately, in terms of verbal communication, as well as body language. Especially us Malays.

For example,

"Sesiapa yang memakai _______, sesungguhnya ianya kelihatan sungguh jijik dan hina seperti perempuan ________ . "

And as for body language, almost all of us have once, maybe more, received this one kind of special look from other people, especially from people who dressed well enough to be understood as religious people.

Things like that.

Sure everyone has own stance, and my stance is, I know I commit sins, everyday, but are you sure enough that kind of preach would direct me to the right path, or at least help me to change myself to be a better person? I don't think so.

Why would this kind of people try to offer faith when they failed to portray the faith that they have in other Muslims? Maybe some of you would claim, positive efforts have been done long time before, they just didn't give positive feedbacks, but now the same question again, will this kind of efforts help?

I don't know, I don't see this helping, not even a bit. It would just bring up prejudices, fitnah, as well as false judgments.

Look at this two examples;

I went to the most Islamic University in Malaysia for my undergraduate studies, there are so many rules that are amended based on Islamic rules, such as covering aurah and all that. The ones that were caught breaking the rules, are going to be compounded, worst, expelled.

I have friends who can be considered as "near" to the religion, but never judge me for what I am, yes, they never failed to fulfill their responsibility to preach me, it is their patience and faith that actually counts.

And yes, friends of mine are the ones who have hit me with the bigger impact in changing lanes, not the authoritative rules themselves, in a good way, anyways. Expected? I am only a normal human being.

I don't feel violated as a Muslim, because I admit I myself am vile to my own religion, but it is sad seeing this because it forces me to feel scared of other fellow Muslims, not Allah S.W.T Himself.

However, it is human nature to blame. I myself blame people for things that have affected me. But no, I do blame them with good level of judgment, not stupidity. Yes, God balance us through our deeds and akhlak, but He never forgets to balance us all, regardless our level of iman, no one can escape.

Don't get me wrong here, this has nothing to do with politics. That, is just bullshit.

Social experiment often upsets me.

2011-06-02T03:55:00.005+08:00

There are actually two things I am about to say today. Here goes the first one.

____________________________________________________________________

Big talk always comes from a small person. Not physically, but you know what I mean.

Yes, you might say it is how you motivate yourself, but please, don't you think it would annoy people after all? You're so full on the outside, yet failed to hide that you're actually empty on the inside. And that's not good for your health.

Don't forget to look at where you're standing man. Don't forget to do that before you start bragging about yourself. Don't get so comfortable saying things that make you look good where you actually have nothing to offer anyway. Don't be an attention seeker. It is rather sad.

Because people know who you really are. Because people know how big your talk is and how small your penis/vagina is.

You go around telling people you have all the confidence in the world that you'd be fine by your own yet you are actually scared to face the world alone. No, it's not a right thing to do. The right thing to do is you do good things to yourself without telling people you're doing so. Or at least you don't go hoping for people to look at you while you're doing those good things. That is called pretending, if you're still clueless with what the hell am I talking here about.

Talk smart, man.

You don't have to impress other people, the only person you have to give good impressions is you.

And one more thing, don't go bitching about your friends, behind their back, especially the ones who have helped to pick up your shits when you have no one else you can turn to. It's pathetically unethical. And irresponsible.

____________________________________________________________________

The awkward moment when you realize your friends no longer want to be your friends,

is the moment where you begin to think about whatever your fault is, and I can't find mine.

Like I said before, I am tired of drama, bitch. I am tired of knowing this without any notifications. So if you want to stop being my friends, don't leave me hanging like a motherfucker, there. Just say it straight to my face, say "You're stupid, I don't want to be your friend, anymore." or maybe "You're not reaching my standards, we shouldn't be friends." Which I believe would be easier for us.

When you leave me there, without knowing what did I do to you, it's going to lead to an unfinished business between us, and I don't want that, I don't want to be burned in hell because of you, if you know what I mean. So, if you have anything against me that stopped you from being my friends, let me know hell details about that.

And after things are settled, it's up to you to live your fucking life without me being in it, I don't give a fuck. Why would I want to be your friend if you don't want me being yours?

Give me credit for having self-love, please. I just want to be fair to myself.

Kemain lagi kawen ni ha.

2011-05-31T04:42:00.009+08:00

Nikah

Bersanding

Bertandang

Earlier this month, one of my closest cousins, Ain, got married to the love of 7 years in her life (and still counting), Fadhlee.

I remember their first date, back then when he's not yet her boyfriend, she brought me along, because I lived in Johor Bahru circa 2006, as well as the guy. Funny thing about it, at first, she didn't like him back then, and he's obviously the opposite. That's the only thing I keep repeating whenever I want to tease my cousin.

Not long after that, I was told that they're dating. And until last year, they've decided to get engaged. And the wedding came in the following year, which is this year.

It was beautiful. The ceremonies were really beautiful. It was kind of special. Being in all of the ceremonies gave me kinds of feelings, happy of course, sad at the same time, and of all, stunned. I don't know why. I've been to hundreds of weddings, but this was the once that touched me so much. Maybe because she's among my very closest (you know how close I am to my cousins) relatives. I kept asking questions to her, like how's that feeling, and she said, in summary, "Relieved, and most of all, extraordinarily loved."

Beautiful.

It taught me a lot, because there's a lot that takes two person to love each other, however it makes hardships and obstacles look so easy to be faced. And a lot of other stuff.

Both of Lye and Jijo are getting married next year, I've heard the news already. I can't wait to organize the hen parties! I am so excited, and bewildered too.

It's nice to know that all four of us are growing up according to the plan.

Note : One thing I love about wedding is, not the food, not the colors, but the veil. I just don't know why. I go to wedding just to see the bride's veil. Funny isn't it?

Photo credits to Ain's photographer.

Certain people are very very tiring, you know.

2011-05-29T17:46:00.002+08:00

I don't want to be spectacular, I don't want to be bold, I don't want to be awesome,

I just want to be fine. And normal.

Because being fine and normal represents the capability to live this life to the fullest, on your own. And because being fine and normal always beats people's expectation. And not to forget, being fine and normal often tells you that you have nothing to lose.

I believe in that now. I don't expect people to understand the difficult part of me, and I don't put any hopes in them having the courtesy to let me be in their life. I am not saying that I am a humble person, I am absolutely not. But I don't want to be anywhere near the spotlight, if you know what I mean.

I love myself the way I am. I just want to run free. I see a lot in this whole world. I think I want to pause everything else and focus on what I am aiming for now. Which is being fine and normal. It feels nice. At least at this particular moment.

Sedih la.

2011-05-23T15:28:00.002+08:00

You know, when we were teenagers, we always thought being bad and irrational is cool. Yes, I can't deny that. It is true, I felt the same way too.

But come on, growing up is certainly scary, but being stuck between your teen angst and teenage curiosity at the age of 24 is not cute. It is time to grow up, no, you should be growing up by now.

Don't ever do stupid things just because you have issues with yourself. Don't ever betray your friends just because you want attention. And don't ever think that no one in this world loves you, hence the stupid actions.

Try to at least speak to yourself. Is this really what you want in life? Have faith in God, bitch.

10 perkara rawak mengenai gua, kalau lu ingin tahu. Gua kata, kalau.

2011-05-17T00:12:00.004+08:00

1. Sehingga umur gua dalam pertengahan belasan tahun, baru gua tahu beza gulai dengan kari tu apa. Gua sedih kalau ingat balik perkara tu.

2. Gua seorang manusia yang lu paling susah nak nampak pakai barang kemas. Raya pun belum tentu gua beremas-emas ni. Gua rasa macam joyah kalau pakai gelang emas.

3. Sayur adalah musuh utama gua. Setiap kali makan, PS mesti cakap, "Macamana lah nak besar, tak makan sayur!" Sampai sekarang. Tapi sekarang tu gua rasa dia sindir je tu. Takkan la dia tak perasan gua sebesar apa?

4. Di umur 24 tahun, gua masih tidur bilik mak bapak gua. Tanpa rasa bersalah.

5. Gua sebenarnya sungguh pemalu di mana-mana pertemuan kali pertama dengan lelaki. Selepas beberapa kali bertemu, lelaki pulak yang naik malu dengan gua.

6. Posisi tidur gua dulu kini dan selamanya, adalah meniarap. Gua ingat lagi kawan lelaki gua pernah sound, "Sebab tido tiarap lah, boobs kita jadi macam saggy." Boobs kita, kata dia.

7. Gua selalu tertinggal berita. Selalunya berita hari ini, gua akan dapat tau dalam esok atau lusa.

8. Gua suka tengok perempuan daripada lelaki. Walaupun gua lebih suka lelaki daripada perempuan.

9. Gua memang ada alahan dengan remaja 13-17 tahun.

10. Sampai sekarang gua memang tak pernah baca buku Harry Potter satu pun walaupun gua suka nak gila semua cerita dia. Gua kan hipster.