Colorful day and a cup of tea.

No one can love me more than myself.

To be honest, I feel so content at the moment. Even though I am alone, I am not even lonely. You know at one point you feel its fine not to have what other people have, I've realized life is always like that. It depends on how we perceive it.

I wish I could tell someone that I am really fine now, because when I say things, people often feel sorry for me. They would go, "Oh its okay Syafa, you're a tough girl, you can face the world alone but someone might come along eventually you just need to hold on a little bit longer. But deep inside they would just feel pity for me. I know because even my parents feel the same.

I really dislike that. Not that I don't need that someone I just wish people could see the really okay me.
I just need them to know it is fine for me to think that commitment falls on the second place.

I start to think that I am fine being alone when I no longer get angry when people tease me about marriage. I can simply laugh along without feeling mad about it. I've tasted childish infatuation, I've felt one-sided love, I've faced betrayal and I've got over those phases. I've learned to accept what has been written. Yes things will come naturally but let the time decide. Everyone can be happy with their partner but why can't they feel the same without one? I am receiving so much love from my family and friends, there's a room for more but yes, I have enough not to let me suffer if I don't get any from so-called partner.

So yeah, if anyone read this, I just want to tell you that I am really, truly from the bottom of my heart, fine. I am not even lying, I am truly happy. I just don't want to waste another second feeling all blue.

I'm hebbi, you're hebbi, we're hebbi.


Hello, we meet again.

There’s nothing to talk about lately. Apart from how hot Kedah is, I have nothing actually to say. My dissertation stuff is stressing me out. Too little time to finish everything, I totally can die like this.

Oh yes, one thing. I really wish I didn’t grow up. Being a grownup is tiring, really. Responsibilities are clinging onto me. I don’t have anyone to depend on. At the age of almost 26, I can’t depend on my parents, not anymore. I need to settle things up by myself. Yes, I have siblings, but let’s talk about that some other time. Acting like the oldest is yes, tiring too.

                I talked about this to Lye and Lie last two weeks, and they said, “InsyaAllah, Tuhan tunjuk jalan nanti.” So I said to myself, “I need to believe that. I have to believe that.”

                Nevertheless, I’m happy.

I feel happy so many things are going to happen this year. Another loved one is getting married this May. Then I’ll be the only one who wears different colour or pattern whenever we have weddings, because everyone else is married, so they will wear matching clothes.

I feel happy because my young brother is now really an adult; he’s now an independent man. I remember when we’re both in our early years of study period, and we both didn’t have money, so I shared my last ringgit with him, and look at him now, he even paid for everything.

I feel happy I have so many cats back at home. We now have 26 kittens, mummy cats, daddy cats. Mom called me every two days just to update me about them. I can’t wait to squeeze them.

I feel happy strangers even smile at me now. Remember when I said I feel so isolated here, being all alone and so on. Now people even said ‘Hi’ or ‘Bye’ to me spontaneously. It is so weird, but I think it is hilarious.


I feel happy for no reason actually, maybe because I've got over things already.